Volume 5, Chapter 7: What You and I Lack Part 1
The afternoon contests should be starting right about now on the school grounds. At last, I've found the red-haired student sitting on a sofa in the dorm's lobby.
"Sudou-kun".
I called out to him with a gentle voice so as to not startle him. Sudou-kun put some slight distance between us before turning back to look at me.
"...Horikita".
The reason he's surprised by my appearance is probably because he simply didn't expect me to show up here.
"Why did you come here......? Could it be you're here to persuade me?".
"Do I look like the type to come all the way here to persuade you?".
"It.....doesn't seem that way to me. Then why? Did you come here to scold me again?".
"I wonder. I'm also at a loss for words".
"Ahh?".
Sudou-kun tilted his head as though he didn't understand.
Why, I wonder. When I finally found Sudou-kun, I felt as though I couldn't say anything. I think back on why exactly I went to such lengths to look for him.
"If you withdraw, Class D will stand no chance".
"I suppose so. Matter of fact, aren't they in trouble right now?".
"Yes. I guess right about now they're at the very bottom and to turn things around, taking 1st place consecutively on the Recommended Only Participation events will be necessary. Even then, it'll still be pretty much impossible for us to stand at the top".
In our class, there are those who excel at sports much like Sudou-kun himself but overall, there are places where they prove themselves inferior to him in this sports festival.
"Even though I've been carrying them, damn it all. That bastard Hirata.....".
"He's not at fault simply for stopping your rampage. On the contrary, you should be grateful to him. If you had, by any chance, raised your hand against Ryuuen-kun, you might've been disqualified from the sports festival itself".
"I just couldn't stand being on the losing side of it. What he did was against the rules".
"The problem with you is your speech and conduct but you were earnestly trying your best for the sports festival".
In this case, he acted unlike himself. In a sense, that in itself is a miracle. For the sake of his classmates, he acted as a leader in spite of his lack of experience and tried to carry them through the sports festival.
He was as quick to fight as ever but at the root of it all was a desire to win.
I could tell just by seeing how he's taken 1st place in all contests save for the 200 meter dash he was absent for and it's clear from afar that even in the team contests, he's been an overwhelming force.
In regards to that, I need to acknowledge Sudou-kun and evaluate him accordingly.
"But there are also plenty of areas you need to reflect on. The ultimate proof of that is the fact that you're here all on your own".
"What's the supposed to mean?".
"If you were someone people could trust in and rely on, then rather than me you would surely have a lot of classmates here instead. To convince you to come back".
Perhaps that angered Sudou-kun once again, he gave the table a light kick.
"That attitude's the problem here. Class D's always been bossed around by you. The midterm exam, the incident with Class C. Snapping and going on a rampage this time around. It's because you keep doing things like that that no one will follow you".
"So you're seriously going to preach to me. Spare me, Horikita. I'm really pissed off".
Having been judged to this extent, Sudou-kun started fidgeting and frantically letting out his feelings of irritation.
"I do think I've done something bad but I can't hold myself back either. That's why it can't be helped right?".
"Amazing how you thought you could carry everyone like that".
"I never said that in the first place. The other guys begged me to, right?".
"But even so, since you've accepted, there's a certain responsibility you bear".
"Shut it. I don't care about something like that".
"You're still as childish as ever. In society, this isn't something you'll be forgiven for, right?".
"Shut up!".
He shouts. He directed a fierce glare at me as though to intimidate me into shutting up. But I won't give in.
"Tch.....what's the matter?".
If it had been anyone else, they would've given in.
Sudou-kun ran out of patience with me after I didn't once quiver and he averted his eyes.
"Your weakness is that you're too easy to figure out. What would happen if you didn't happen to study? What would happen if you were to instigate violence? You lack the imagination to think ahead".
"Ahh damn it all, it's already over! Leave me alone already! Your preaching is making me want to vomit!".
Sudou-kun does want to make things work, he wants to stay here at this school. But even so, to continue instigating violence. There's got to be some circumstances behind it. Unless he learns the rules and routines, Sudou-kun will stay on this loop forever.
I---even though I desired to be alone forever.
That's why, even if I end up being hated, I won't stop my words. Right here, I will see him for all that he is.
"If you dislike it, you're free to hit me".
"Huh? That sort of thing......there's no way I could do that sort of thing.....".
"Is it because I'm a woman? I may be late in saying this, but I'm quite strong. I'll knock you down before your fist reaches me".
"So you fully intend on fighting back......? Honestly, you're a really strange woman. Just like you said, the others didn't come chasing after me. But you alone, came after me".
Although that's partly because Ayanokouji-kun admonished me on the matter though. It's just, I don't feel the need to say that in particular since I'm standing here because I'm convinced of that. But perhaps Sudou-kun's also a bit spent, since he started talking as though to suppress his anger.
"The reason I accepted the role of leader is because I thought the sports festival would be a piece of cake as long as I'm good at sports. And it is a fact that I didn't lose to anyone from the other classes. But you know, it's in the nature of team contests that you can't do anything as long as someone's there to pull your leg. Both in capture-the-flag and in the cavalry battle, I lost no thanks to those useless guys. I just couldn't stand that".
I understand that this is a situation that warrants complaints.
Certainly, even for our school year, Sudou-kun's athletic ability is outstanding.
But there isn't a single person with the capability to keep up with him.
"I can tell just by looking that you hate losing in a field you're good at. But is that really all?".
If he simply doesn't wish to lose to anyone at sports, then it wasn't necessary for him to accept the role of leader. Sudou-kun shouldn't realized too that they'd struggle when it comes to team contests.
In other words, there's definitely another reason behind this.
Sudou-kun tilted his head a bit as though he were giving it some thought but soon enough, he gave his reply.
"...for them to pay attention to me and respect me I guess? I thought maybe I could have something like that for myself. I wanted to show up the ones who made fun of me.....lame, right?".
Once he had regained his calm, he realized both his own desires and the fact that he abandoned them all without being able to fulfill them and he forcefully scratched his crimson dyed hair.
"And with this I'm also a complete pariah, huh? Well, that's fine. It just means I'll be going back to how it was like in middle school for me".
"..........".
Listening to those words from Sudou-kun, I fell silent. Now then, I wonder if all my preaching will reach his heart. I was argued down by Ayanokouji-kun, lost to Ryuuen-kun and my brother abandoned me too.
I felt I had no right to reprimand him.
It's because someone I had seen as being beneath my level all this time, now seemed to not be so anymore. Certainly, Sudou-kun is clumsy and is the type of person to not think ahead.
He possesses an uncontrollable disposition.
However---by changing perspectives, I could also begin to see him as someone who continued fighting all alone while confronting that loneliness. He who possessed the courage to confront that solitude may yet be far superior to me.
While feeling anxiety that my words won't reach him, I sincerely tried to squeeze out those words. I continued the conversation that was never my forte.
".....it's strange. These feelings of yours are basically the same as my own".
"Ahh? What do you mean?".
"The desire to be respected by someone. The desire to continue fighting on your own. I'm the same".
He and I are similar. In the sense that we both carry a certain contradiction yet continue fighting against that solitude.
"Thinking back, the signs were there. Back during the midterm exams, I felt irritation towards the students who could not study, including you. I felt angry at people who couldn't even do what's natural. I just couldn't muster up the desire to cooperate with you. Compared to that, you did brilliantly in this sports festival. Because at the very least, you carried the ones who could not handle sports".
Studies and sports. Even if they happened to be the antithesis of the other, in theory they may pretty much be the same. What I had felt towards Sudou-kun and the others in those days, Sudou-kun is strongly feeling that now.
"Then you understand my feelings. Right now, I want to be alone".
"And I truly wish to let you be. But right now, if we lose you, Class D's defeat will be certain".
This isn't just about Sudou-kun's personal problems. It'll have a signifiant impact on the class's chances of victory.
"You too, abandoned the class at first like me right? Then you have no right to lecture me".
Briefly retorting, Sudou-kun gently stood up from the sofa.
"...that's right".
That's right, there is no weight behind my words. Because up until the very last moment, I thought the same thing as Sudou-kun.
"You're disappointed, right? But I'm used to it. I was born to garbage parents. That's why I'm also garbage. I came here because I absolutely didn't want to turn out like them but slowly, I'm ending up just like my parents.......".
Perhaps he intends on returning to his room, Sudou-kun looked at me once with eyes that had abandoned everything. I wonder what words I should call out with after seeing that. I myself no longer know.
"It's wrong to think that someone born to garbage will turn out to be garbage. You can't blame others for how you'll turn out. That's something you have to decide for yourself. I won't acknowledge that mindset of yours".
I forcefully rejected it. Because I felt that despite understanding him, I had to reject it still.
"If the sister of a genius will also turn out to be a genius, just how much trouble would be saved.......?".
"What do you mean?".
"...right now, you're still a nobody. To become a somebody, that's up to you. At the very least, you have outstanding talent in the field of sports. Sure, you have a rough attitude but you still advised plenty of students during practice. It's precisely because I've been watching you do so that I know you're not a hopeless person. But right now, you're scum. You're looking away from reality and trying to escape from it. If you continue trying to disappear like this, then that's when I'll truly label you as garbage".
"Then just label me as garbage already. I don't care about that anymore".
"So you're going to throw a tantrum just because things didn't go your way?".
No matter what fierce words I throw at him, no actual response came from him.
Perhaps he's already locked down his heart but 'I' am incapable of unlocking that door.
The bell rang, signalling the end of the lunch break. The signal that the afternoon contests will be starting. This confirms that Sudou-kun won't be making it in time for the scavenger hunt.
"Go back, Horikita".
"No. I cannot go back until I've brought you along".
"Then do as you wish".
Sudou-kun starts walking again and he enters the elevator.
"I'll be waiting here for you to come back. Forever".
".....do as you wish".
The elevator door closes shut. Up until the very end, I did not avert my eyes from him.
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