Chapter 54
As I drove, I remembered those times. The time my dreams of becoming a chef got crushed by my mother.
The winter of my senior year, I had sent in all my college applications. I fought the war valiantly but had lost miserably. I realized then that I could never beat my mother. She would always be right. If I looked far into the future, her wishes would ultimately be what was best for me.
That was why I joined the marines. If I was to follow my mother’s wishes, I would have abandoned my hopes cleanly. I used my time in the military to empty my mind and my heart.
Cooking became my flower bud that would never have a chance to fully bloom. After that, I never gave up anything. In my life, having one flower bud was enough. I vowed to never give up anything again.
That one instance of surrender had left me thirsty for a long time. I had no intention of restarting it, but it gave me an aversion to giving up on my wants.
I hated the feeling of defeat. The feeling that I had no control over the predetermined future and the discomfort of knowing I had no choice. I never wanted to feel that way again.
So, I made sure to never feel that way again. I did what I thought was right. The way I drew my picture.
That’s how I had lived my life. So I could live by the picture I drew, I forced AhJung to give up more and more. Since my picture was right, it needed to be followed. Without me knowing, I was doing exactly what my mother had done to me.
If I continued to force my intentions on my AhJung and break her will, then she, too, would end up with flower buds that never blossomed. If I was stupid enough to not learn from my past, it would have continued this way.
As I stopped the car at the red light, I also stopped my train of thought. Then, I felt it. I missed her. I wanted to run to her.
***
Beyond the phone, I heard JiKyung’s excited voice. “What can you do? Your husband has no intention of losing to you?”
“Really?” I asked.
“He said that his brother is better than his wife,” he said. “He will live long and happily in my house, so don’t wait up for him and go to sleep.”
“Oh, no I can’t!” I shot up from my bed.
“What do you mean you can’t. Don’t you dare lose to him. Then, this will all be for nothing. Don’t lose and keep fighting!” JiKyung cheered me on and hung up.
Wow.. .I didn’t leave the house because I thought he would worry! But, he ended up sleeping elsewhere?
I felt flabbergasted and betrayed.
That temper of his! I thought he had changed after marriage, but ha! He’s just the same!
“Ha! You think I’m going to be scared like long time ago!” I yelled at the ceiling, enraged. “It doesn’t matter if his temper’s the same! I’m no longer the person I used to be! I’m not scared!”
I stomped out of the room. In a few minutes, I arrived to the master bedroom and laid on the bed hugging my husband’s pillow.
“I’m not doing this because I’m scared...” I mumbled getting slightly teary eyed. There was no one watching anyways.
“I’m not scared, not scared, not scared.” I repeated to convince myself. But, it wasn’t working.
What do I do if my husband never comes back? What if my husband running out of the house leads to him running out of my life?
I ignored my attempts at persuading myself against the fact and kept creating negative thoughts.
If I’m to stop myself from spiraling out of control, I should just stop thinking all together.
I closed my eyes, determined to go to sleep. I buried my face into my husband’s pillow. From far away, I heard the quiet sound of the front door opening.
What the?
I opened my eyes and heard the swift pounding of footsteps coming closer.
Can it be! Is he here now? My husband?
A feeling of delight rose up in me, but only for a second.
No, I, I’m like this right now? I came crawling back in here after a day? Why now?
The delight quickly faded and my heart fell.
No, I can’t. He can’t see me like this!
Frazzled, I threw the pillow and got up quickly. I could hear the door of the other room opening.
Ah! I can’t go back now!
Trying to find a place to hide, I looked around. But, the footsteps had returned. They were quickly approaching the door.
Sh*t!
Finding no other option, I closed my eyes and plopped myself onto the bed.
Pretend to sleep. I’ll just pretend to be asleep!
The moment I decided on this, I heard the door open. The sound was my cue to start my acting.
I am sleeping, sleeping. I am asleep.
I relaxed every muscle of my body and breathed slowly. The footsteps walked toward me and stopped next to the bed. I tried desperately to make sure my facial expression didn’t relay my anxiety.
“Are you sleeping?” His voice was heavy but soothing. It didn’t sound angry at all. JiHan waited a moment for a reply and sighed.
I’m asleep. Leave me alone. I don’t care if he washes his face or showers. Just give me a way out of this room.
Strangely, I heard a noise on the floor. JiHan became quiet. There weren’t even the sound of footsteps or his voice. For a long time, it was completely silent.
What is he doing?
Even lying in this one position was making my back ache. What state would JiHan be if he was standing there during this whole time.
No, is he even there? Maybe he left without me realizing it?
I prayed that this was the case and slowly peeked through my eyelashes. Contrary to my wishes, JiHan was still there. He looked to be kneeling with his head bowed down.
“Huh?”
Without realizing it, I opened my eyes wide. I could see clearly now that JiHan was indeed kneeling next to the bed.
“What, what are you doing?” I asked while getting up.
JiHan raised his head. For a moment, he looked to be surprised to find me awake. He soon went back to lowering his head. With a quiet voice, he replied, “I’m repenting.”
“What? For what?” I asked.
“For making the decision about having a child by myself for the last month,” he said “I stole your freedom of choice and forced my opinions on you. I’m repenting.”
“Then... Are you going to do as I wish?” I asked him filled with high expectations.
I wasn’t sure if I understood him correctly. JiHan shook his head. He suddenly stopped shaking his head and looked up at me. He looked to have thought things through thoroughly and answered me with a serious expression, “I’m not just following your wishes, I want to find align our wishes. Between you and me. Not just for this, but for all things moving forward. I will no longer force you to live the future I envision. From now on, we will discuss and decide together.”
Is this a dream? My wish has come true exactly as I had hoped. Yes, this has to be a dream.
Certain of the fact, I laid myself back down and pulled up the covers.
If I’m dreaming, there’s no point in dreaming standing up. Let’s dream comfortably laying down.
I closed my eyes and tried to continue the dream. I was happy even if this was a dream, and I didn’t want this happy dream to ever end.
When I opened my eyes again, I realized that this had not been a dream. Even though night had turned into day, JiHan was still in the same position.
“Ah! You’re crazy! Were you like this the whole night!” I ran to him as I came back to my senses. I kneeled down in front of the still kneeling JiHan, grabbed his arm and raised him up. “You should have just woke me up! Ah, really... Making me feel bad.”
I felt so sorry that I didn’t know what to do to make up for it.
“I was planning to do this all night anyways,” he said.
“What?”
“The fought 16 times over the baby issue in the last month,” he said. “I would estimate it at about 10 hours. During those times, I only thought about myself and forced it on you. I wanted to reflect for the same number of hours.”
“Oh, why would you bother even counting that!” I scolded hitting him on the back. “You forbid me to kneel, and here you are doing it! Hurry, get up!”
This is how it felt to see this. No wonder he forbade me to do it.
I came to the realization through the experience and went to help JiHan stand back up. But, he didn’t move a muscle other than his lips.
“Before I get up, there is one final thing I want to be stubborn about,” he said.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Can we postpone having a child for just one year, no, half a year... Can we?” His tone was too careful to take as being stubborn. He sounded like he would give up immediately if I refused.
“Why do you want to do that?” I asked.
JiHan continued hugging me and whispered his answer into my ear. “Before you make a baby, I want to make your body first. It will be hard on your body for the several months you are pregnant, so I want to make sure you can support your health accordingly. Plus, it’s only been a few months since your play ended. I don’t think it would be wise to get pregnant right away. What do you think?”
I felt no sense of stubbornness in his opinion or his tone. I only felt his consideration. I nodded my head and easily replied, “Yes. I think that’s a good idea.”
Reaching a compromise easily, JiHan let out a sigh of relief. It was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.
“Then, we’ll go to the hospital later to get a checkup,” he said. “Let’s see what your situation is as of now.”
I nodded in agreement to his plan. Of course, it was a plan I had no reason to refuse. But, I felt that if he would continue in such a manner, I would nod to any of his decisions even if it was something I was against. For example, if he had said let’s not have a baby... Even if JiHan had said those words and I had nodded in agreement, in a few hours, it wouldn’t have made much difference.
***
“You’re already pregnant,” the doctor said to us.
We stared blankly at him.
“You can’t ask me if it will be OK to get pregnant when you already are,” the doctor teased playfully.
“That can’t be possible. We always used contraceptives ...” JiHan told the doctor unable to believe what he told us.
The doctor checked his chart and was quiet in thought for a moment. “Well, you are definitely pregnant. Checking the state of the fetus and Na AhJung’s menstrual cycle, I would say it’s been about a month.”
The doctor lifted his head and asked JiHan, “You do know that using a condom is not 100% effective? Plus, I’ve given you a special lecture regarding it, so you should be fully aware. I’m sure I pointed out the cases in which that can happen?”
JiHan didn’t look like he was even listening to the doctor. He seemed to be lost in thought over the mysterious turn of events.
“One month ago...” The memory of that night formed inside his head.
“Look for them more carefully. We should have some left. I counted it the last time.”
“There were a couple left, but we used it all yesterday. They ripped a few times in the middle.”
That had been the night after my last day of the play, exactly one month ago.
“Oh! Then!” I yelled as JiHan jumped in surprise and looked at me. “That night, when we did it for the first time in a month! It ripped while we were in the middle of it. It could have been....”
At my words, JiHan shot up. “What! I was so careful then! I had resolved the situation quickly! It can’t be!”
The doctor said in a calm voice to us, “Lee JiHan. You can’t help those who are lucky.”
“What?!” JiHan turned his head toward the doctor, yelling in a pitchy tone.
The doctor smiled with an amused expression. “The few seconds of a condom breaking can do it. Sometimes, even those who had a vasectomy can do it. So, just tell yourself, ‘Oh, I’m just that lucky of a guy’ and accept your fate.”
I could hear Beethoven’s symphony ringing in my head. Was it just me?