Chapter 49
I mustered what strength I could into my trembling body and walked toward Mr. Kwak.
‘Mr. Kwak, Mr. Kwak, it’s me. Stay with me, Mr. Kwak!’
“Grr… Gaa…”
Mr. Kwak was making strange and bizarre cries. It was a noise that combined despair, screaming, and wailing all into one. It sounded like a soul burning in hell.
Mr. Kwak was slowly tearing off the flesh on his face. He stared blankly into the horizon while he tore off his flesh, wailing horrifically. It seemed like he could no longer hear me. My mouth dried up as I saw Mr. Kwak’s flesh dropping like melted candle wax.
This was all my fault.
This had happened to him because I’d been too suspicious of him, naive. I wasn’t worthy of being called a person. It was my fault for plunging this man’s life—no two people’s lives—into despair.
I couldn’t get near Mr. Kwak. I couldn’t give him any consolation. A sense of guilt crashed over me like a raging wave and constantly lashed my soul. Mr. Kwak’s wail was tearing apart the last bit of humanity within me.
- ‘It’s all your fault. It’s all because of you. This is what you made me into!’
This was what his wailing meant. This was the message he was trying to tell me.
I hung my head guiltily. Anything I said now would only be an excuse. I closed my mouth and slowly walked out of the night-duty room. Then I closed the door and chained it up.
“Grr… Ga…”
I slid down the door and cried silently.
‘I’m sorry… I really am sorry…’
I covered my mouth and sobbed.
* * *
I had no clue how many hours had passed. I sat in front of the night-duty room, motionless, as time passed me by. Sometime later, I heard footsteps coming from the hall of the kindergarten. It was Kim Hyeong-Jun. He had recovered, and was walking toward me. He sat down in front of me and scratched his head.
‘Ahjussi, are you okay?’
I didn’t reply.
‘Ahjussi?’
‘What do you think would’ve happened if I’d taken Mr. Kwak in when I first saw him?’
My face was gloomy. Kim Hyeong-Jun sensed my mood and smacked his lips.
‘It’s not your fault, ahjussi.’
‘But I pretended not to know. How could I be innocent? I ignored him even though I knew he was in danger, because I thought it would put me in a difficult situation.’
‘Well, you made that decision while taking your own people into consideration, didn’t you? You made a wise choice.’
‘...’
‘There’s no reason to feel guilt when it comes down to the survival of the fittest. You know, you’ll face numerous situations in which you would have to choose one thing over another. If you fixate on the smallest things, you won’t be able to withstand what’s ahead of you.’
‘But still…’
Kim Hyeong-Jun cut me off, addressing me in a calm voice. ‘Ahjussi.’
He wasn’t using his usual tone, the one that made him sound like he was complaining about everything. He looked at me with a rather serious face.
I looked at him, and he stared into my eyes as though we were having a staring contest. After a while, he smiled gently to end the staredown and snorted.
‘Back in the day, my hobby was to watch wildlife documentaries.’
‘That’s rather out of the blue. Why are you bringing that up?’
As I frowned, Kim Hyeong-Jun chuckled.
‘Do you know what people think when they see a lioness hunting down a gazelle?’
I stayed silent, waiting for the rest of his story.
‘That poor gazelle. The lioness is evil!!’
Kim Hyeong-Jun was impersonating the people who took pity on the gazelle. I looked at him blankly, and he shrugged and continued.
‘Do you know what the next scene was, though? It was the lioness failing in her hunt for the gazelle.’
‘...’
‘Right after that, they showed her little cubs following her, asking for food. All the lioness could do was lick her cubs. She couldn’t do anything else.’
I didn’t say anything but paid attention to what Kim Hyeong-Jun was saying. He then looked at my face closely, then smiled and asked me a follow-up question.
‘Can you guess what people would say after seeing that?’
‘They would probably say something about how pitiful the lion cubs were.’
‘Yeah. That’s how people are. People interpret things the way they wish. That’s why I understand why you’re mentally unstable right now.’
‘So what’s your point?’
‘That whatever happened today was just nature taking its course. A lioness hunting down a gazelle; the weak being hunted down by the strong. I’m saying that you have nothing to feel bad about.’
I contemplated for a moment after hearing what Kim Hyeong-Jun had said. After a while, I smacked my lips.
‘Sometimes, the most unbelievable things get captured on camera. Like a lioness letting a gazelle get away.’
‘So ahjussi, you’re the lioness and Mr. Kwak is the gazelle?’
Kim Hyeong-Jun immediately knew what I was talking about. I nodded without saying a word. He crossed his arms and looked at me straight in the eyes, then clicked his tongue.
‘That’s up to the lioness.’
‘What?’
‘The gazelle never had a choice. It had to survive on its own somehow.’
I could say nothing to refute Kim Hyeong-Jun’s statement. He hadn’t said anything wrong up to this point.
‘You already saved Mr. Kwak once. Not only did he enter your territory, but you also forgave him for taking your food. Isn’t it up to Mr. Kwak to survive after that?’
‘...’
‘A lion weeping because he couldn’t save a gazelle… isn’t that kind of ironic? Well, of course, the survivors are out of the picture, since that’s a different issue. I’m focusing on the dynamics between zombies.’
‘I’m not that naive. I know that.’
I smacked my lips angrily, prompting Kim Hyeong-Jun to take a deep breath.
‘Then don’t feel sorry for anything. Why are you acting like someone who doesn’t know how this world works?’
‘If I’d told Mr. Kwak about the gang members, he wouldn’t have gone down this easily. You told me all sorts of stuff. I genuinely believe that helped me a lot.’
‘You actually think I told you everything?’
My eyes widened as I stared at Kim Hyeong-Jun.
I wondered if it was a tacit admission that he was still holding something back, and that he still had secrets that he was keeping to himself.
I couldn’t keep the surprise off my face. On the other hand, Kim Hyeong-Jun looked as calm as anyone could be. He scratched his forehead.
‘Ahjussi, I’ve been dealing with gang members for a long time. Did you really think that I didn’t know what happens to us when we eat human brains?’’
‘You knew that if we ate human brains, we could talk?’
‘Yeah, of course.’
‘Then why’d you keep it a secret, even after we formed an alliance? Why?!’
‘Because I needed to be certain of it myself.’
Kim Hyeong-Jun’s eyes did not move an inch.
He knew that he would get into trouble if I teamed up with the gang members. Which was probably why he prioritized becoming allies with me, someone who lived for survivors, so that he could keep an eye on my character.
Having reached this conclusion, I could understand where Kim Hyeong-Jun was coming from, but I couldn’t help but feel betrayed. However, I couldn’t lash at him, since what Kim Hyeong-Jun did to me was not that different from what I did to Mr. Kwak. Kim Hyeong-Jun sighed.
‘You’ve already shown me enough to trust you, ahjussi. You came all the way to Seoul Forest to offer me new information, and you’ve even saved my life. Now I trust you. I trust you with everything.’
‘Ha! Are you saying that you’ve been testing me all this while?’
‘Well, you were no different from Mr. Kwak.’
‘...’
‘Ahjussi, I know you haven’t been soiled by the filth of this world. You’ve held onto what you believed was right, and see where you are now. You’re still here, aren’t you?’
‘No, I was just lucky. Everything I’ve done so far. It was just pure luck.’
I bowed my head in shame. As I looked back, I felt like everything had been given to me. I knew better than anyone that god had been watching over me this entire time.
I had been able to recruit underlings in Haengdang-dong, where there were no gang members. I was able to take my time to steadily grow stronger. I was able to live like a human being by meeting survivors that shared my beliefs, and built up mutual trust with them. I was fortunate enough to defeat the black creature and obtain tremendous power all at once.
I also figured out the existence of gang members by fighting the red creature back at the high school, through which I also obtained the map of Seoul with all the dangerous locations marked on it. I then met Kim Hyeong-Jun, gaining a wealth of information and forming an alliance to make it through this rough world together.
Kim Hyeong-Jun noticed my silence and snorted.
‘Ahjussi, have you ever heard of this saying?’
‘What?’
‘Luck doesn’t come to you. You make your own luck.’
‘...’
‘Ahjussi, tell me. Were you just goofing around all this time? No, you weren’t. Did you grow stronger, gather people, and establish your shelter just because you were lucky? You know that didn’t just happen.’
‘...’
‘I know you tried your best every day. I know you’ve been putting in the effort. Are you saying that it was all luck?’
He was absolutely right. Nothing he said was wrong. As I massaged my temples, Kim Hyeong-Jun’s voice took on a soothing tone.
‘I’m on your side, ahjussi. And I won’t be hiding anything from you anymore. So cheer up. You’re doing your best.’
‘...’
‘You’re doing your best’.
I never expected these words would touch my heart. Perhaps I’d been subconsciously wishing for someone to acknowledge that I was doing my best, that I was doing good, and that I could do it. Perhaps it had been a little hope of mine that someone would say something along these lines to me, instead of just leaving it to me to reassure myself.
I looked away from Kim Hyeong-Jun to hide my feelings, then got up and sighed a deep sigh that came from the depths of my lungs. I immediately felt better. Kim Hyeong-Jun got up as well, patting his bottom.
‘There’s still more I want to talk about, but let’s eat first before it gets too late.’
‘Did you say eat?’
‘Yeah, we have to eat that zombie’s brain. It’s already been an hour. We won’t get anything from the brain if we wait any longer.’
‘How long will it last?’
‘That depends on the zombie. Some can last for up to four hours, but some last only about an hour and a half.’
‘In that case, we better get to it.’
We walked toward the corpse of the enemy leader with its ruined neck. Before I could get to it, Kim Hyeong-Jun rushed to block my way.
‘I’ll eat this one.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t you have something else to take care of, ahjussi?’
‘...’
He was implying that I should take care of Mr. Kwak. I couldn’t help but feel that he was putting me in a difficult situation, but the resolute expression on his face made me think twice. I knew that Kim Hyeong-Jun regretted not being able to end Kim Hyeong-Seok with his own hands more than anything else, and that he still considered it a foolish decision not to have taken action back then.
I wondered if he was telling me to prevent any future regret or guilt by dealing with the root cause of it now, so that I would not have to look back on this moment later down the road.
I took a deep breath.
‘I’ll take care of Mr. Kwak. But his brain… I want you to eat it.’
‘Hmm? What do you mean?’
‘Mr. Kwak is turning into a black creature. You know what it means to eat a black creature’s brain.’
‘...’
‘The debt I have to you regarding your brother is settled.’
This time, Kim Hyeong-Jun didn’t reply. At that moment, I recalled how Kim Hyeong-Jun had been left defeated after fighting the zombie leader.
Just as I had entrusted the running of our shelter to my people, I wanted Kim Hyeong-Jun, my ally, to grow stronger, so that something similar to the events of the day would not happen again. I wanted to be able to trust Kim Hyeong-Jun without worrying about what would happen to him. I wanted him to get stronger.
He chuckled and nudged my elbow.
‘Don’t change your mind later on, ahjussi.’
‘Of course.’
I chuckled, and we headed toward the night-duty room. I took a deep breath and then unchained the door. I carefully opened the door, and I saw Mr. Kwak’s body. The room was filled with the stench of rotting corpses.
Mr. Kwak was curled up, motionless. His flesh was all over the floor, like old skin shed by a snake. His eyes were closed, and it seemed like he was sleeping. I let out a breath and grabbed the steel pipe next to him. I looked at Mr. Kwak’s body one more time.
‘Rest in peace, Mr. Kwak. I hope you’re happy with Ms. Koo on the other side.’
I channeled the last bit of guilt I had into the steel pipe, and sent Mr. Kwak to a place where he would be free of pain.
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