Chapter 192: Chapter 1
“Th-That’s not true. I-It was a difficult decision. It’s going to be... hard for me too.”
“Then...” Riftan paused as though stopping to quash some emotion. “Come with me.”
Tears welled in Maxi’s eyes. Unable to stop them falling, Maxi covered her face with her hands. Riftan hugged her waist and desperately tried to persuade her.
“If leaving me is not what you truly want, then come with me. Don’t think about anything else! I’ll make sure you have everything again – a castle, servants, all of it. We can finally be together. I refuse to be separated from you again. I can’t endure another three years!”
Maxi thought that a dagger to the chest would not have been as painful. Anguish and desperation stirred in his black eyes.
The desire to give in felt as though it would split her in half. Her heart vehemently nodded in agreement, while her reason adamantly shook its head. It was clear to her which of the two she had to follow.
Maxi’s face crumpled as tears streamed down her cheeks. She barely managed to get the words past her quivering lips.
“I-I can’t do that.”
Her throat burned as she tried to suppress the violent sobs that threatened to burst from her chest. She let out a ragged breath.
“How can you expect me to live with my head held high... a-after taking everything from you? Marrying me... h-has brought you... n-nothing good... You had to fight in a campaign you didn’t want... and face harrowing ordeals... A-And now, you stand to lose everything... Y-Your knighthood, estate, fortune, your comrades... How can I turn a blind eye?!”
“I told you, it doesn’t matter. Not to me! As long as I have you, nothing else matters!”
“I-It matters to me!”
Hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Maxi clutched her head and wailed, “All my life... I thought myself worthless. I c-couldn’t bear the shame. That’s why... I could never r-reveal my true self to anyone... That’s why I couldn’t be honest... And yet, I couldn’t swallow my pride... so I lied... and pretended to be fine.”
Maxi closed her eyes in an attempt to stem the endless flow of tears.
“I-I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want... to stop hating myself.”
She could just make out Riftan’s face, contorted with misery, through her misty vision. She clutched his arm.
“I-I am not going... just for you. I want to change. I don’t want to be... ashamed of myself anymore. So... let me go.”
There was a pause.
“No,” said Riftan. “I won’t allow it.”
He jerked his arm as though he had been branded and backed away.
“L-Let me go,” Maxi cried. “You have to... let me go.”
“I said, no!” Riftan shouted petulantly.
His broad shoulders, which had always seemed as immobile as a boulder, trembled violently. He looked at her with tormented eyes before fleeing the room.
Finding herself unable to go after him, Maxi sank to the floor. Her whole body shook as though she had just made it through a storm.
She hugged herself as she broke into sobs. Hot tears flowed down her cheeks, even soaking her neck. It felt like a part of her had been severed. Was all of this truly necessary? Must she leave him knowing it would hurt him and cause her nothing but misery?
Doubt and grief engulfed her. Squeezing her eyes shut, she covered her face with her hands and wailed. She resented everything that had led to this, including herself.
***
When Maxi’s tears finally dried up, the fatigue and tension that had been building over the last few days flooded in. She barely managed to wash with Ludis’s help before getting changed. The dam of emotions that had collapsed inside her seemed to have sapped all the strength from her limbs. Maxi went straight to bed and lost consciousness.
Sunlight was streaming into the bedchamber when she came to. She sluggishly hauled herself up and squinted at the glowing windowpane, then at the empty space next to her.
After running her hand over the cold sheet, she climbed out of bed and wrapped a shawl around her shoulders. She was about to head straight out to seek Riftan but thought better of it. He likely needed time to think, just as she had needed time to organize her thoughts.
Maxi tottered to the basin near the fireplace to wash her face. She began to get ready for the day, and Ludis entered the bedchamber just as she was combing her hair.
“Good morning, my lady.”
The maidservant gave Maxi a genial smile and lowered an armful of wood next to the fireplace.
“Shall I bring your breakfast right away? You must be hungry after going to bed without a proper supper.”
Maxi felt her heart soften at the maidservant’s gentle expression. Her voice came out in a frog-like croak as she mumbled, “Yes, please.”
“One moment, my lady. I will be back in a jiffy with a delicious meal.”
After feeding the dying fire more kindling and stoking it with the bellows, Ludis went to leave the room.
Maxi asked hesitantly, “Do you... know where his lordship is?”
Ludis appeared unsure. “I believe he is in the council room. Would you like me to deliver a message, my lady?”
Maxi put on an awkward smile and shook her head. She was grateful for the maidservant feigning ignorance despite having heard last night’s argument. When Ludis left the room, Maxi sat in front of the fire and became lost in her thoughts.
The cats climbed onto her lap, purring and mewling. The sounds of servants chopping firewood on the grounds drifted in through the window. As Maxi sat listening, she felt the hollowness in her heart easing. It no longer felt so much like a wrecked boat lost at sea.
Blankly staring into the fire, Maxi thought back on the tumultuous events of the past. The day Riftan had whisked her away from her childhood home; her efforts to refurbish Calypse Castle as its new master; the countless trials; meeting Ruth, Ulyseon, and Garrow; her strengthened bond with the Remdragon Knights, and even her struggles learning magic. A small smile tugged at her lips.
A second later, her frustrating incompetence during the war and the loss of her child flashed through her mind. Her chest filled with sorrow and regret. Of the hundred or so things she regretted, shame hounded her when she thought of her decision to follow her father.
Nevertheless, it all amounted to the life she had built for herself.
Maxi closed her eyes. Now she would have to turn her back on everything she knew and enter the unknown. Despite the bone-deep fear, her resolve to leave somehow grew stronger.
A sudden realization struck her; the flood of words she had unleashed on Riftan last night had not solely been to persuade him. It was true that she wanted to be with him forever, but a part of her also yearned to step out from his shadow. Right now, she was slowly withering away in a world that only had room for the two of them.
Riftan had no qualms about destroying himself over anything concerning Maxi, while she was possessed by the perpetual temptation to cling to him and hide from the outside world. Left to continue, he would suffocate her, and she would drag his future through the mud. They would destroy each other in the name of love.
Maxi walked over to the window and looked up at the pale, late-winter sky. A flock of migrating birds passed overhead and into the distance. In the midst of the crushing sadness, something seemed to awaken inside her. It was too painful to be called hope and too fragile to be considered resolve.
She opened the window to let the cold wind cool her flushed face and fill her lungs. The pale gold sunlight seeping through the clouds seemed to signal the end of winter. The world seemed cruelly beautiful as it awakened from its slumber.
Riftan did not come back the next day, and Maxi deliberately avoided seeking him out. She wanted to give him time to marshall his thoughts. But, when there was still no sign of him on the fourth day of their return from Loverne, Maxi plucked up the courage to confront him in the council room.
When she reached the door, she could not bring herself to open it. How many more times must she rip his heart? It made no sense to her that she had to beg him to let her leave his side. She stood at the entrance fidgeting with her skirt before taking a step back. She stared down the slowly darkening corridor, lit by the remaining sun filtering through the windows.
Despite the temptation to return to her chambers, she managed to collect herself and stepped toward the door. She cautiously pushed it open.
Inside, Riftan was asleep on the couch. Maxi began creeping into the room but froze when she spotted an upturned goblet on the ground. He must have spilled wine, as there were deep red, blood-like stains soaking the carpet.
...
Maxi carefully picked up the goblet, wrinkling her nose as the pungent alcohol assaulted her senses. Next to the cup lay an empty wine bottle. It was clear that he would not be in any condition for a proper conversation.
With a sigh, Maxi shrugged off her cloak and draped it over Riftan’s sleeping form sprawled across the velvet couch. She was about to leave when she heard his choked voice.
“She always stood on the hilltop, staring into the distance.”
Maxi froze and turned to look at him. Riftan slowly opened his eyes and gazed back at her, his dark irises bleaker than she had ever seen before.
“The woman who gave birth to me. Whenever the sun rose, she would comb her hair and go up the hill. She was waiting for the man who abandoned her.”
Maxi tensed when she realized that he was referring to his secretive past. His flat voice, laced with derision, rumbled softly through the room.
“Can you believe it? She waited more than ten years for the man who used and cast her aside like an old shoe. A man that would’ve long forgotten about the peasant wench he once amused himself with.”
Riftan’s cynical laughter chilled the air. Maxi hunched her shoulders and slowly approached. He did not seem to care whether she was listening or not.
“My stepfather was a husk of a man. For twelve years, he lived with a wife who wouldn’t even spare him a glance. And yet, that woman was obsessed with him. She kept waiting for the man she had spent no more than a few months with. She waited and waited... until she got word that he had died in battle, and hanged herself.”
Maxi reached out to touch his hand but pulled back halfway. She felt a chill as though her lungs had filled with ice water.
Riftan scoffed coldly. “I found her dangling from the cottage ceiling. She was quite the beauty... but she met a gruesome end.”
...
He sat up and swung his feet to the floor. Maxi’s face was pale with shock.
Studying her reaction with unfeeling eyes, Riftan said, “You see, I swore that I would rather die than end up like her. That I would never allow myself to become so miserable...”
Maxi dropped to her knees and clasped his hand in hers. Then, the moment she cottoned on to the thought that had seized him, her heart shriveled with fear.
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