Chapter 170: Chapter 1
Maxi remembered the day she had left this place. It had felt like a lifetime ago that Riftan had whisked her away in that bewildering carriage ride. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that she would voluntarily return.
A strange feeling of despair came over her, and she leaned her head against the coach wall. Her father, who had been sitting in silence across from her, scowled and rapped his cane on the floor. Maxi flinched and sat upright.
Traveling in a carriage with her father was like torture. Her nerves were tightly wound the whole trip, and her mouth was clamped shut like a clam as she tried her best not to provoke him. It was fortunate that Sir Elliot was traveling with them. The knights had been adamant that they could not ignore Riftan’s command and that at least one of them must accompany her. It was decided that Elliot Charon would be her escort to Croyso Castle.
With the knight riding alongside the carriage, the duke had not been able to vent his anger. He could only clutch his cane and lash her with contemptuous looks.
“You must stay as silent as a mouse,” the duke said, repeating the same warning he had given her countless times throughout their journey. “Rosetta will be married next spring. You are to remain quietly in the castle until then. I will use your convalescence as an excuse to refuse visitors. Though I’ve told Calypse that he may come for you, I have no intention of letting him see you. He will no doubt come to seek a divorce. We must avoid the issue until next spring.”
He glared at her with his pale gray eyes.
“The church deems miscarriage as acceptable grounds for divorce. It goes without saying that King Reuben will be overjoyed at the news. I will not have a wench like you ruin a decade’s worth of planning.”
Maxi hung her head in shame. Her father’s ambition was for a successor of outstanding pedigree through Rosetta. It had long become an obsession akin to the sticky stew remnants at the bottom of a pot.
The duke irritably continued expounding on his plans.
“Rosetta must bear at least two sons. A healthy male to inherit the throne and another perfect son whom I shall adopt as my heir. Unlike you, I will make sure that Rosetta is regarded as the embodiment of perfection and health.”
Knowing that he was not expecting a response, Maxi merely clasped her hands and desperately prayed for an ogre to leap out and topple their carriage. As always, however, her hopes went unanswered.
The carriage safely entered the lavish gardens of Croyso Castle. As hundreds of servants scurried down for their master’s earlier than expected arrival, Maxi stood in front of the carriage with her skirt bunched in her fists.
Elliot dismounted and walked over. “Are you all right, my lady? You don’t look well.”
The duke answered before Maxi could reply.
“She is tired from the long journey. I am sure that she will be able to recuperate more quickly now that she’s home.”
The duke coiled an arm around her shoulders and forced her to turn around. He then glanced over his shoulder at Elliot and said, “Are you satisfied now that my daughter has arrived safely home? You have accomplished your task, so I must request that you leave by tomorrow. You are welcome to stay the night.”
Elliot’s expression turned grim at the duke’s blatant dismissal. Maxi helplessly looked back at the knight until her father forced her up the staircase.
As soon as they entered the great hall, the duke flung her away from him. He strode across the palatial hall – large enough for an ogre ball – and shouted at the head steward to take Maxi to her room at once.
Maxi hung her head to evade the looks of the surprised servants. The head steward was a man who had served the duke all his life. He obeyed without asking questions, motioning his head for Maxi to follow him.
“This way, my lady.”
Maxi was trailing him like a ghost when a sparkle above them caught her eye, and she froze in her tracks.
It was Rosetta. Bathed in sunlight, her half-sister gazed down from the second-floor railing. Maxi inhaled a sharp breath. It had only been a little over a year, but Rosetta had grown even more beautiful. Her light brown hair glistened like silver in the light, while her perfect proportions now exuded an alluring charm.
Maxi bit her lip. Her younger sister’s perfection tore at her heart more than ever before. A feeling of misery expanded within her as she hurried after the steward. They soon reached a quiet room at the end of the annex.
“Please rest now, my lady. I will call Joana for you.”
Finally alone, Maxi glanced around her former chambers. The room lay in the main castle’s shadow throughout the day, ensuring it remained in perpetual darkness. A layer of white dust covered everything.
She walked over to the window and gazed down at the garden until she felt listless, then slumped down on the bed. Not long after, her nursemaid entered the room.
“My lady...”
Joana was a voluptuous woman in her fifties. Maxi noted that the nursemaid had many more white hairs than she remembered. After a long stretch of silence, Joana walked over to Maxi and clasped her with her plump hands.
“Oh, my poor lady. Lady Arian passed away after countless miscarriages... and now you’ve met with the same fate. How cruel must God be?”
Her lament caused a twang across Maxi’s deadened nerves. Her face contorting, Maxi pushed her hands away. Her nursemaid’s sorrowful gaze was more difficult to bear than the impassive faces of the other servants.
“I-I...” Maxi turned away, her palms pressed against her burning eyes. “I... am tired. I wish to rest.”
“I understand. I will bring you a bath and some food.”
Dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, Joana left the room. Maxi grabbed the jar on the bedside table and heaved the porridge she had forced down her throat that morning.
As she gagged and hurled up rancid bile, the emotions she had bottled somewhere deep came rushing out like a tidal wave. Remorse and shame raged in the pit of her stomach, and grief weighed on her heart. Guilt hacked at her like an ax as she recalled how recklessly she had taxed her body. Lowering the jar to the floor, Maxi trembled uncontrollably.
Riftan was like any feudal lord. He would undoubtedly want an heir who would one day inherit his castle, land, and fortune. There was no guarantee that she would ever conceive again. In fact, it was possible that the miscarriage had not been caused by overexertion, but rather by her inherent inability to carry a child.
Maxi hugged her shaking shoulders as she remembered the Croyso women who had wasted away until their deaths. Would she be able to bear it if Riftan were to grow more and more distant toward her?
Her throat throbbed painfully, and she stroked it with trembling hands as she imagined how Riftan would treat her. It filled her with fear and despair. She was much too ashamed to face him now.
Raising her head, she looked at herself in the mirror propped against the wall. Her spine seemed to freeze at the sight of her own pale, gaunt face. It was her mother’s face, vaguely imprinted in her memory and now resurrected in a reflection. Forlorn eyes gazed back at the daughter who would suffer the same fate. Maxi squeezed her eyes shut and laid her reeling head against the pillow.
She did not want to think about anything. It might be better for her to live confined in this tiny world, feigning numbness against the hardship as she had always done. At least then she would not have to worry about losing another’s affections, nor would she have to bend over backward to become something she was not.
Maxi buried her face in the sheets. Instead of watching the happiness she had only just managed to grasp dissolve before her eyes, it would be easier to pretend that it had never existed in the first place.
Having nothing meant that she would be free from the pain of loss.
***
Life seemed to snap back to how it had been before Riftan. The feeling of powerlessness, deeply embedded in her bones, swallowed her up the first chance it got.
Her ego shrunk back to its original size within the confines of her gloomy chambers. Having no one to talk to except for her nursemaid, her impediment grew worse.
Though Maxi was aware that everything she had worked so hard to build was crumbling down, she no longer had the strength to pick up the pieces. She could not stop the dread, terror, despair, and resignation from boiling over.
Maxi sat by the window and watched the bare branches sway in the wind. It felt as if she had returned to that day a year ago, trembling at the thought of divorce.
No, this fear was more intense.
Even in their last moment together, Riftan had not held her, nor looked her in the eyes to offer words of solace. He had not given her the chance to explain herself.
Please, just go.
Those had been his parting words. He could just as well have meant he wanted her out of his sight.
Maxi glanced up at the cold sky before turning back to her chambers. Her gaze lingered on the bed where both her mother and stepmother had once laid. In the next moment, she found herself crawling into it and curling up like a kidney bean.
A part of her had known all along that this would happen. Perhaps that was why she had been unable to bear being away from him. The fear that her miraculous happiness would disappear like a mirage had gripped her whenever they were apart. All the efforts she had made to not lose him had circled back to stab her, cause Riftan’s disillusionment, and take her child. Now she was back to where she had started.
Maxi vacantly stared at the ceiling before closing her eyes. Around lunchtime, Joana entered the room bearing a tray with the usual bowl of porridge. No matter how many times Maxi heaved up the food, her nursemaid did her best to ensure she ate.
...
Thinking of Joana’s efforts, Maxi forced herself to down the porridge. A wave of nausea came on when she was halfway through, and she ended up hurling everything back up.
Joana gazed down at Maxi with forlorn eyes.
“Lady Arian was also too delicate for her own good,” she said, shaking her head. “She could not even keep water down whenever something bad happened. And to think you have taken after her...”
“I-I’m sorry... I’ll eat the rest later...”
Joana heaved a sigh as she set the bowl down. “You should rest while I bring you a new blanket.”
When her nursemaid left the room with the soiled sheets, Maxi staggered out of bed to wash her face and get changed. She slumped back down when a knock came at the door. Had Joana returned already?
Maxi looked up to see Rosetta, resplendent in a purple dress, glide into the room. Maxi stared at her sister in surprise. Forgoing initial niceties, Rosetta pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down.
“You look terrible.”
Maxi propped herself into a sitting position, her face anxious. “What b-brings you here?”
“That senseless woman kept raving on about how you were dying, so I came to see if it was true.”
Rosetta’s peculiar eyes, which were somewhere between green and blue, coldly swept over Maxi.
...
“I guess she wasn’t exaggerating.”
“I-If that is all... I would like you to leave now.”
Ignoring her request, Rosetta said abruptly, “Do you want to die?”
Dumbfounded, Maxi stared back at her. Her half-sister’s eyes were somber, incongruous with her vivid beauty.
“You won’t be able to last a year in this castle in that condition. And I’m sure news of your death would mean nothing to our father.”
“W-What happens to me... is none of your concern.”
Rosetta’s face hardened at Maxi’s blunt response. “You are so pathetic that I simply can’t stand it. Destroying yourself in self-pity. I’ve had it with your stupidity.”
“I-I have no reason... to put up with your insults.”
“Then you shouldn’t have returned in such a pathetic state!” Rosetta shot back. “Just looking at you infuriates me. You return battered after foolishly following your husband to war and miscarrying your child, and now you’re trying to starve yourself to death. Do you really think your husband would care? Ha! He might even be elated at being able to avoid a troublesome divorce. He’ll likely marry the princess before you’re even in the ground. That’s how men are!”
Maxi winced as though Rosetta’s cruel words had stabbed her. Fighting back tears, Maxi glared at her sister.
“Do not... s-slander him when you don’t even know him. My husband... is kind to me. H-He truly cherished me. That’s why I-”
“So, you gave him your heart just because he bothered to be nice to you,” Rosetta said sardonically.
Maxi was about to snap back when Rosetta’s lips suddenly curled into a bitter smile.
“Wake up. You fell for that man because he was nice to you, but kindness is not love. A man’s affection is no different from a coin. It can flip at any moment when circumstances change. Have you not learned anything from our father? Men can be generous to women as long as they continue to please them and give them what they want. Like how Father is with me. But you should know better than anyone how cruel a man can be when a woman fails to give him what he desires.”
“R-Riftan... i-is different from our father... He is-”
“If he is so different, why are you here?”
Unable to think of a response, Maxi opened and closed her mouth in vain. Rosetta sneered at her.
“Don’t speak what you don’t believe. Deep down, you know your husband is the same. That’s why you came back. You might deny it, but you are as cynical as I am, if not more.”
“I-I... I’d like you to leave now. I-I no longer want... to continue this conversation,” Maxi muttered weakly, covering her bloodshot eyes.
Rosetta remained silently seated for a long while before rising to her feet.
“I truly wished for you to never return to this castle.”
Maxi looked up at her sister, her eyes full of hurt.
Rosetta whirled around and said as she walked toward the door, “You always disappoint me. Always...”
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