Chapter 250
Cadel’s suggestion stunned Van for a moment, and he stumbled backward.
“Then, then, I will quickly wash up and come out.”
“……Wash up? Now?”
“I’m sweating a lot, so……. It’s going to be smelly.”
Why on earth would anyone come in to wash up for a walk? Cadel felt a little embarrassed and looked at Van, who was fiddling with the hem of his clothes.
It had been a long time since they had spoken alone, as Cadel had consciously distanced himself from Van. It took a lot of courage to decide to spend time together. It was a big decision for a lot of reasons.
Cadel didn’t have the stamina to wait for him to get clean and fluffy, so he lunged forward at Van, who was inching away from Cadel, pulling Van into a hug by the nape of his neck and nuzzling his nose against the underside of Van’s collarbone.
“Wh, what, what are you doing……?!”
At Cadel’s sudden action, Van jerked away like a wild animal under attack. Letting go of the stuttering, red-faced man, Cadel spoke in a light tone.
“It doesn’t smell at all. How come you don’t smell bad after training all day? Are handsome guys like that?”
It was a sincere remark, but steam seemed to rise from Van’s face as he heard it. Cadel kept his mouth shut and pounded his fist lightly against Van’s chest, rubbing the area where his breath had hit.
“Let’s walk.”
“……Yes.”
With Van finally subdued, Cadel continued on his way.
As they walked, Van matched Cadel’s narrow strides and glanced at him. It wasn’t because he had anything specific to say, it was just because his eyes were drawn to Cadel. The quiet expression immersed in thought and the gray eyes sunken as if weary were particularly eye-catching.
There was no way Cadel could not have noticed that earnest gaze.
“My face will be pierced.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that…….”
“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.”
Cadel smiled lightly, pulled Van’s arm, and walked across to him. A plank of wood spanned the narrow river like a bridge. As Cadel sat down on it, Van also took the seat next to him.
Cadel kicked off his shoes and stretched out his legs, submerging his calves in the river. The cool water washed away the drowsiness that had been creeping up on him.
“It’s cool and nice.”
As he splashed lightly, Van followed suit and dipped his feet into the river. Cadel grinned and splashed him with water, and Van grinned and splashed back. It was such a poorly executed splash that Cadel barely got a few drops.
After a few moments of this uncharacteristic antics, Cadel looked at Van. The look of utter peace on his face was quite pleasing.
‘……This is what I wanted to see.’
Cadel wanted to see Van happy beside him, not hurt, intimidated, or self-conscious. He had even promised himself that he would make sure Van never regretted standing by him. But in the end, he had done something he would regret.
The fact that Cadel Lytos was alive inside him, that his will was warping his choices and emotions. It was too much to bear, and he had the creepy feeling that Cadel Lytos was manipulating him like a puppet.
Still, he felt sorry for Cadel Lytos, whom he could not completely deny, who could not be a victim even in death. So he didn’t want to face Van, who probably knew of his existence, believed in him, and followed him. He didn’t want to face the fact that the one person he cared about was in love with the one thing he shunned so much.
It was just an outburst of anger. It was an immature plea for Van to like Shin Yeohwan, not Cadel Lytos. He couldn’t even tell which one of them cared about the subordinates, and he was forced to deal with this problem. He was a terrible human being.
“I apologize for being so sensitive.”
His gaze locked with Van’s at the silent apology. Van’s clear golden eyes gleamed with a calm that seemed to know Cadel’s every thought.
“I…….”
“Don’t say it’s fine.”
“……For me, Commander is everything.”
Van quietly lowered his eyes and carefully touched Cadel’s finger on the plank. When Cadel turned his palm over, feeling a tickling touch that seemed to be asking for his permission, Van’s large hands clasped his hands.
“So when I feel like Commander is avoiding me, even if it’s just an illusion, it’s hard. Even though I don’t know why, I feel like apologizing.”
“…….”
“It’s so painful, and then it all…… gone with the slightest bit of attention Commander gives me. So, just…… remember that. That I can live well with just a short smile from Commander.”
His clenched hands tightened. Cadel clasped his hands together and swallowed dryly. In front of Cadel, who couldn’t easily open his mouth, Van looked at him with a shy smile.
“Doesn’t that seem a little foolish?”
“……No.”
It wasn’t foolish. Van was sweet, warm, and so affectionate that he wanted to reciprocate, which made him feel unwarranted jealousy.
“I also…….”
He wanted Van’s affection, he wanted Van’s approval, and he couldn’t help but feel ugly for the greed that was welling up in his eyes. But there were too many things standing in his way to put his desires in front of Van.
Cadel finally fell silent, unable to speak. Catching a glimpse of Cadel’s expression in the heavy atmosphere, Van casually changed the subject.
“By the way, this is a weird thing to say in a situation like this, but honestly, I was a little surprised.”
“……Surprised? Why?”
“The same goes for Lumen, that punk, but mostly about you, Commander. Of course, I thought Commander would go to the top floor.”
He paused for a moment, as if considering his next words, then opened his mouth thoughtfully.
“Because Commander always tried to take charge of the most important tasks.”
“Does this mean that I only eat the delicious parts?”
“If I had to be honest, you only ate the poisoned part. Even intercepting it before someone else eats it.”
Van, who spoke quite resolutely, looked directly at Cadel with a smile that had disappeared.
“You think it’s better for you to get hurt than for someone else to get hurt. You’ll stop at nothing to save someone, and you’ll risk your own life to keep your comrades safe.”
“…….”
“The commander I know would make the move himself even if there were other subordinates who could be sent to the top floor because that place was dangerous. So when I heard that Lumen went to the top floor instead of Commander…… I was jealous that he had earned your trust, but on the one hand, I thought it was fortunate.”
The corner of Van’s mouth lifted slowly, and he gazed lovingly into Cadel’s eyes, which did not avert his gaze.
“Someone who seemed to be sacrificing and carrying everything on his own for the rest of his life, finally looking out for others. Just as Commander is ready to fight for the Knight Order, so are we. We’re always ready to fight for you. I think you finally got it…… and I have to say I was a little relieved.”
Seeing Van’s expression of genuine relief, Cadel suddenly remembered the time when the top floor was just around the corner.
“You always try to do the dangerous stuff yourself, and don’t tell me it’s for your subordinates. Because every time you do, I feel like I’m losing your trust.”
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