Chapter 509. Can’t Cry (7)
Chi-Hyun had spoken by reflex. Though he could guess the reason for his own behavior, he couldn’t really accept it. Moreover, he was surprised that words that he had only thought of had escaped from his mouth. This wasn’t like him. Thus, unlike how he outwardly appeared, Chi-Hyun was feeling a whirl of emotions. The change that was happening inside him while he was by his brother’s side felt unfamiliar, but for some reason, it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.
It was true that he was confused, but in his heart, he didn’t feel as uncomfortable as before. Instead, he felt calm and peaceful like he had come back home after a really long time. Chi-Hyun decided to stop resisting and go along with the change this time.
“…Do you want one?” Chi-Hyun even did something he would usually never do and took out snacks from his closet.
Chi-Woo wordlessly shook his head, but he seemed a bit taken aback. Chi-Hyun didn’t just go to his room without acknowledging Chi-Woo’s existence like before. He turned on the TV and lay on the sofa in the living room, where his brother was. Though he was looking at the screen, he glanced at his younger brother from time to time. They didn’t say anything to each other, but just by being in the same space, it felt as if the two were sharing a brotherly connection. It was the first time Chi-Hyun and Chi-Woo were experiencing something like this.
Chi-Hyun took his weary eyes off the screen and yawned widely. He didn’t know what else to do and didn’t want to think. He would sleep first and eat a bowl of gukbap [1] when he woke up. He would start thinking then. With that thought in mind, Chi-Hyun closed his eyes. Unfortunately, he didn't get to enjoy his bowl of gukbap because of the emergency alarm ringing inside his head. Elrich was angry that he had to go not even a full day after he came back, but Chi-Hyun nonchalantly replied, “It’s fine,” and tied his shoelaces and got up.
“I’ll be back,” he said. Then, he opened the door and headed out. Usually, he would’ve immediately gone to the Celestial Realm, but he didn’t do that this time. There was a place he needed to go before he went to work. His feet moved fast to take him to that place as quickly as he could, but unlike the precise movements of his body, Chi-Hyun’s head was still in a mess. He still didn’t know what to think, or why he was suddenly feeling these things.
It was true that the process of his young brother’s growth reminded him of his youth. It was then he realized the profound implications of the action he had committed, and it came to his mind that he wasn’t much different from his parents or their respective families. He expected this to happen before his brother was even born; at the beginning, he had thought none of that mattered anyway since he was determined to gain his freedom no matter the means.
But ten years had passed after that. If he endured just ten more years, he could gain the freedom he so desperately yearned for. Why was he trying to turn all that into nothing with his own hands now? Was it something meaningless like guilt? Or was it something so simple as sympathy? No, there was no way. If that was all it was, he would’ve easily scoffed this idea off. An emotion more fundamental and deeper than that had touched Chi-Hyun’s core. His logic asked him why in the world he was doing this, while his emotions told him that this was the right choice to make. His head was shouting no, while his body felt at ease with this decision. The drastic gap made him come to a halt.
‘What am I doing?’ And every time he thought this, he almost moved back toward the Celestial Realm. But in the end, he couldn’t do that. Every time he tried to turn around or ponder a bit more, he recalled what his brother had said to him and the eyes that had stared intently at him. Whenever he remembered the various emotions that filled up those eyes, Chi-Hyun found himself walking again. He had a feeling that this would be his only chance to turn things around. This foreboding feeling pulled Chi-Hyun toward his destination.
—…I thought I told you firmly at that time that you shouldn’t think of reverting things after making your choice.
Thus, ten years later, Chi-Hyun found himself in front of the shaman god, Princess Sahee again.
—Return.
Princess Sahee said coldly.
—I don’t know what made you have a change of heart, but you can’t turn things back now.
Of course, Chi-Hyun wasn’t the type to back down after hearing this.
“What can I do?”
—Are you not listening to me?
Princess Sahee’s voice became slightly louder.
—I already told you this is now out of your hands. Even mine for that matter.
Chi-Hyun asked calmly once more. “What must I do?”
—…
“What must I do…so he can live the original fate he had?
—Original fate? Mere things as fates don’t exist for that child.
Princess Sahee continued in an angry voice.
—In the first place, he was an existence who shouldn’t have been born. He’s someone born in exchange for your fate that had run out of control with your intervention.
“Whatever happened, he was born into this world as a human.”
—Yes, because of no one else but you.
“That’s why I’m asking you,” Chi-Hyun cleared his throat with a deep breath. “What must I do?”
Princess Sahee was speechless hearing Chi-Hyun repeat himself like a parrot. After a moment of silence, she said in a composed voice.
—It’s not like there’s no way, but it will be nothing more than sugarcoating the issue.
—The event has already happened and passed. You can’t catch it anymore.
—It’s an unchangeable truth that from now on, everything would depend on that child. Even if you try to catch the event’s passing…you will only be able to make the tiniest wrinkle on its surface. It will have such a small effect that the person affected won’t even notice the change.
—It will be like trying to cover the sky with your hands.
Princess Sahee said in a low voice and looked at Chi-Hyun.
—Will that be fine with you?
There was no need for her to ask further. Chi-Hyun’s answer was already decided.
***
After Chi-Hyun made up his mind to turn things back, nothing much seemed to have taken place. His younger brother lost all the memories he had accumulated until now and began to act according to his age as if he was born anew. Now, he acted like any kid and threw a fit for the snacks hidden inside Chi-Hyun’s closet. And eventually, Chi-Woo and Chi-Hyun formed a relationship that anyone would think was brotherly. But that was all.
The fate surrounding his younger brother remained unchanged and kept obstructing Chi-Woo at every turn. It was the same for Chi-Hyun. The ten years he had left to change his fate had become obsolete. Now, he was in a position where he would have to forever repeat the life he had loathed so much again. In the end, no one was saved, and both of them were in unfortunate situations. Still, Chi-Hyun accepted reality since there was something he had gained.
It was menial compared to what he had lost, but it was something so precious to him that he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Nevertheless, the reality was harsh. Chi-Hyun needed to sacrifice his entire being to change things at a surface level and needed to face the future that he desperately wanted to escape from—it was a future so repetitive that it would feel like rolling in a hamster wheel. And as he went through all sorts of chaos and turmoil, Chi-Hyun lost a myriad of emotions expected of a human being. Thus, like a bedrock by the sea, the human Chi-Hyun was carved into the hero Chi-Hyun with nothing else remaining.
Su-Ho, Elrich, and of course, Laguel worried about Chi-Hyun, yet what they feared didn’t happen. Though Chi-Hyun appeared colder and more merciless than before, he didn’t commit mass annihilation or slaughter like before. He simply carried out his duties as a hero without any complaints. At this point, Chi-Hyun was just letting himself get carried by the flow. He had no great or noble cause for his actions and simply did his job like a corporate employee getting up to go to work. No, in some ways, his situation was even worse than a company employee because at least employees got a salary, but Chi-Hyun gained nothing.
He simply kept at it out of habit, and there was only one thing that had been keeping his tattered and worn-out self going: it was the words his brother had said to him that day, and the gaze he had leveled at him. Every time he recalled that incident, Chi-Hyun felt an emotion he couldn’t put into words, which made him keep pushing forward. But of course, as it did with anyone, there was a limit to everything. After enduring everything with superhuman patience, Chi-Hyun himself felt that he was reaching his limits. At this rate, he would fall into chaos again or crumble. It was around this time that the situation on Liber erupted.
Though the Celestial Realm stirred up a great fuss saying that it was an unprecedented massive crisis, Chi-Hyun had expected it to happen. Furthermore, he sensed that this could really be the last time—that things could be too difficult, and perhaps he could meet his end on Liber. Whatever the case, Chi-Hyun had no choice but to enter Liber. But just in case, he needed to make preparations in order to not lose everything he had worked so hard to maintain until now. Thus, he convinced his parents to retire and forcefully wiped their memories. Then, he sent Mua Janya, who followed his orders to the T, to Earth. He also gave Laguel a stern warning so that his younger brother couldn’t take a step into his world.
And after doing all that, Chi-Hyun was able to enter Liber with a light heart. Perhaps that was the reason he had reacted so strongly when he first met his brother unexpectedly on Liber.
[I know why you came to this world, but I won’t tell you my reasons for keeping all of this hidden. I don’t ever intend to tell you. I will never give you an explanation, and I shouldn’t.]
[I’ll keep you safe until this whole situation is over, and as soon as it is, I’m going to send you straight back to Earth.]
When he saw Chi-Woo then, Chi-Hyun felt the emotions that had long been dormant rise inside him. He thought he had grown too weary to feel anything, but his heart stirred again. He had been on the brink of reaching insanity just before this, so he got angry at every word Chi-Woo said. It wasn’t just because he lamented all the sacrifices he had made. Chi-Hyun also knew that his own selfishness was what had brought his brother here, and he was afraid.
With his brother’s sudden appearance, Chi-Hyun feared that what had been pushing him forward until now would disappear. What would happen if one put their legs out and tripped a runner? Or what would happen if one suddenly slammed on the brakes in a speeding car? The runner would fall and roll on the ground while the car would skid off the road. Then, they wouldn’t be able to get back up and move forward again.
Chi-Hyun was afraid of that. He feared that he would lose everything he had struggled to maintain, including all the small, precious things he barely managed to retrieve and bring back to his past.
[You don’t know…yeah, there’s no way you would know…]
[There are things that are beyond mortals and can’t be solved by human power. I’ve learned my lesson.]
[You may think I’m going overboard. You may cuss me out and no longer think of me as your older brother. It’s fine with me even if you hate or disown me.]
Thus, even though he knew how Chi-Woo would respond, he couldn’t help but say those words.
[Shut up and stay put in your place!]
[You…shouldn’t have been born.]
Because he didn’t want to hear the same words and see the same gaze from that time ever again.
‘You can quit if you don’t want to do it.’
‘It’s okay, so you can kill me…hyung.’
Thus, he couldn’t quit now and had to maintain what he had been maintaining until now. This was for his brother, and ultimately, also for him. Chi-Hyun was sure of this and resolved himself again and again.
***
After regaining his senses, Chi-Hyun hesitated. He opened his half-closed eyes again and raised his head. Then, he looked around in a daze.
‘Where am I…?’
1. Gukbap is a korean dish that literally translates to hot soup with rice. ☜
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