Chapter 263 Volume IV - Chapter 108: Embracing the End in Nothingness
Come to your senses... Don't lose yourself... Think about who you are...
Aiden Tenebra, that's who you are.
Uh, no... No. You're not Aiden Tenebra.
Ethan, Ethan Subter. That's your actual, real name.
*******
I know very well that people in similar situations to mine have a slower perception of time than normal. Most of the time it feels like a day has passed, but it's actually several days.
So how long have I been here...?
A few days? Then it must have been much longer in reality, right?
I feel like I'm losing my ability to think and that's... definitely not a good thing.
What was I thinking about last time? Oh... I remember. I was thinking about what I saw in the first test.
Death and flame... death and flame...
Forget the flame, there's not even the slightest thing about it here. When I can't even control my mana, there's nothing to be gained by thinking about the flame.
Then... death.
As much as death is an end, it's also a beginning...
I don't know why, but I keep getting stuck on this phrase. I can think of other things, but I always come back to this one in the end.
An ending... but also a beginning...
Don't shy away from life, of course. Move forward to the point where death is inevitable. When the time comes, accept it. Step into the beginning behind the end...
Oh, I misspoke... there was something else.
What was it?
From death... uh... I can't remember the rest.
Escape death?
Or... something different? Like...
Don't be afraid of death?
*******
Dark... Dark... Very dark...
Hot... Cold... No, neither...
Is someone grinding their teeth...?
Am I imagining it, I shouldn't be able to hear anything like that...
Think... Think... Think... Think...
I paused for a moment, all the voices in my mind suddenly disappeared and I felt like I was literally in the middle of nowhere.
Ah... no, I shouldn't have paused.
What was I... what was I thinking?
*******
In the middle of the darkness, with no sound, no sensation... I suddenly came to myself. I remembered what I was doing and where I was. And the moment I did, an intense anxiety and fear enveloped my whole being.
No... I'm losing myself, forgetting my own existence, as I feared.
I'm being dragged into something that I tried so hard not to be in the first place.
This is... a big problem.
*******
Death... Flame... Death... Flame... Death... Flame...
The end... The beginning... The end... The beginning...
Think... Think... Think... Think...
Don't stop... Never stop... Don't lose yourself...
*******
The seconds continued to pass in silence. I was forcing myself to think and think... and I was getting tired.
When will it end? When will I get out of here...?
I'm... getting scared. What if I really die?
Was coming here... really a mistake?
*******
I looked into the darkness and it kept looking at me. I tried to whisper to it, to keep myself together. But it didn't give me any answer.
For a moment, as so often happens lately, I lost myself.
As the seconds turned into minutes, into hours, I didn't think anything... I couldn't think. I was so tired that I couldn't think anymore. I had thought so much that even thinking had become a reflex rather than something I did deliberately. So... it was useless.
But... one of the times when I somehow came to my senses again, I finally thought of something different.
No matter how long I waited, there was no change. The darkness was as it was, I was as I was, everything was always the same.
So... when I thought about it differently, even if only for a short time, suddenly I understood.
When death is inevitable, accept it...
There's no way out of here, is there?
That's what he wants... isn't it?
He wants me to accept... he wants me to end my existence here, to step into a new beginning...
It has to be, doesn't it?
But... what if I'm wrong?
What if I think I've found the right answer and I'm really going to step into my 'end'...?
I have to hold on until the end, then...
I must not walk away from life willingly. I must give myself to death when it is inevitable.
I must go as far as I can, no matter how long it takes.
But can I do it on my own? How far can I go in nothingness, just thinking on my own?
Even now I'm losing myself, I find myself suddenly doing nothing.
I need something. Something that can help me, no matter what it is.
Like... a flame?
I imagined a tiny flame swaying this way and that.
A small flame in the middle of the darkness, right next to me. I didn't know what its source was, I didn't even care how it could shine in this darkness and where its light reached.
I just imagined it, the way it burned in a completely random way, its orange color, its warmth.
I found myself watching it when it only existed in my imagination. I wondered how it could still burn while I struggled to maintain my existence here...
It was absurd to question the existence of something that existed only in my imagination, but... it was one of the things that kept my mind still open.
I continued to watch and think about it as it continued to burn at my side, like a guide to show me the way.
*******
I am not afraid...
No, I'm not afraid of death...
Or am I?
I don't feel like I can take it anymore... I'm tired of losing myself over and over again, and then thinking over and over again; imagining.
'Don't shy away from life, of course.'
I paused with the voice echoing in my mind.
'The point where death is inevitable...'
I looked at the flame that had perhaps gotten me this far, the flame that still burned in my imagination. I wasn't sure if even that was a dream anymore, sometimes... it felt like more than a simple dream.
I paused for a moment, silence filled my mind more and more. And then... I remembered something.
That hall I stood in before I came here... I didn't have my inventory ring, I didn't have Sith with me, I didn't have access to the system.
Then... how did I create flame in the palm of my hand?
Humans can neither control nor channel mana without the help of the system... they can only feel it.
Then how did I use that flame, how did I feed it that motif on the pillar?
Ah... that flame... was it already mine?
Then...
I looked at the flame, which I never questioned how I could feel its warmth in this nothingness, how I could see its orange color.
I felt myself getting closer to it, getting warmer the closer I got, and then I paused again.
Yes, I am afraid.
I am really afraid of death.
That's why I'm here, isn't it?
That's why I didn't do well in the previous 'test', he said, but I satisfied him. Because he knew that I didn't fully believe in my answers myself.
Here, he arranged such a 'test' to make me cling even tighter to those answers.
When death is inevitable, accept it... let the flame be your guide...
The flame, the guide that will lead me to the beginning behind the end.
I moved closer and closer to the flame next to me, and as I did so, it slowly began to grow. The closer I got to it, the hotter it got, the bigger it got. It didn't stop until it completely surrounded my body, and I didn't stop.
It wasn't painful. It should have been... but it wasn't. On the contrary, it had a comforting sensation. Like when I was in the body of the executed man in the second dream I had.
I gave myself over to it, letting the heat work its way into me, its light shining brighter and brighter with each passing second, at the same time adding more and more darkness to the darkness I was in.
My thoughts slowly faded. My self slowly withered.
Death enveloped my body, more real than ever.
Then... I reached the end, or rather my own end.
The doors of a new beginning opened before my eyes. Endless darkness, nothingness; suddenly covered with blue flames.
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