Chapter 201 Volume IV - Chapter 46: Walking in the Campus
I kept thinking about the vision I had seen over and over again.
A dark ghost, held captive in a palace, imprisoned, with a tiny purple flame burning inside...
I know that the visions that seers see can be meaningful or meaningless, that's what it says in the description of the gift, but... What does that mean?
"Why didn't you come to class yesterday?"
I tried to push the vision out of my mind, then turned to Paul.
"I was sick, I overslept."
Paul paused, looking thoughtful for a brief moment.
"You didn't look very sick before you left..."
"I just had a headache, it was bad, so I slept."
Paul was not satisfied. He sighed slightly and leaned back. Then he closed the tablet in front of him and looked directly at me.
"Do you want to go for a walk? You don't look like you feel like studying."
Actually... I might. The fresh air might help me think more clearly.
"Sure."
I closed my tablet, put it in my hand, and stood up.
Paul and I left the library, walked out onto the campus. I took a deep breath as we continued our walk.
I repeated the same thing to myself.
I have to wait until my brother returns... I just have to wait for him. This clairvoyance thing, the vision I saw, the strange thing written in the status window... He will know what I have to do.
"You're too preoccupied."
I shook my thoughts to myself, then smiled slightly.
"I'm sorry. I was just... thinking."
Paul continued to walk beside me without looking at me.
"If there's anything on your mind, you can tell me. You've been really strange lately, Clara, and if you want my opinion, it's not because of an illness."
My smile faded slightly, but we didn't stop, we kept walking.
"If it's something private, it's okay, Clara, believe me, it doesn't matter. But if it's something you can talk to me about, don't keep it inside. Some things are better to tell than to hide them and suffer for it."
I bowed my head, involuntarily tensing up as I couldn't think of anything to say.
What am I supposed to say? That I woke up? That I'm a seer? That I'm not a normal person? That I don't even know my... past?
How can I... say these things?
"I'm sorry."
I couldn't look at him. I really wanted to tell him, but I restrained myself. These were not things I could say so easily.
Paul didn't say anything and we walked for a while without saying anything. Finally, I looked up when I realized that Paul and I were walking down a staircase together.
We had come to a place that the campus had set up for students to have picnics and spend time together. There weren't many people around, which was normal, I guess, as the weather had indicated that it was going to rain.
"Paul, yeah. I wasn't sick or anything, but these are... private matters for me, just like you said. These are matters that concern my brother, my future. I'm sorry, it's not something I can easily tell everyone."
Paul kept walking and I looked at him out of the corner of my eye.
He looked thoughtful, his yellow eyes staring at the floor. His hands were in the pockets of his cardigan. He paused for a moment, his eyes seemed to widen. Then he quickly returned to normal, thoughtful again.
What is he... thinking? It's the first time I have seen him like this...
In this way, we kept walking until we reached a certain point in this area.
After a while I started to get restless, and when I looked around, there was quite a distance between me and the nearest person I could see.
Finally, Paul paused, and so did I, and I looked at his face again.
This time he looked serious. Slowly he turned to me, his lips curled upward. For a moment, just for a moment, I was startled. He looked strange, not who he was.
"You know, Clara, I don't want to be 'everyone'."
Huh? Does he wonder so much what's bothering me...?
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not after whatever it is that's bothering you. If it's something important that concerns your family, I have no right to talk about it or to know what it is."
"Then why-"
"I feel sad, Clara. It literally hurts."
I stepped back, put on a blank expression and frowned slightly.
"I don't understand."
He glanced at me.
"You've lost weight, Clara. You've lost weight in just a few days. It's like you haven't even eaten for the last week. We used to talk for a couple of hours every night, now you barely stop for half an hour and go straight to sleep. Although... I doubt you're even asleep. You used to listen to the lectures, at least try to understand what was being said, even if you were always busy with something else because you usually found it boring. Now you don't even do that, it's like you're in another world."
His smile warped a little, then his eyes left me and turned to the small lake in front of us. His voice started to tremble a little, he really looked like he had been hurt.
"I want to help, not to know the truth. I want to cheer you up, but you don't even listen to me properly when I talk. I'm... sick of it."
He paused again, his eyes back on me. More seriously this time, with a determination I couldn't quite understand.
"I love you, Clara, that's why I want to help you."
My eyes widened once again. I couldn't help feeling as if time had stopped for a moment. I repeated everything he said, every single word, one by one, in my mind. Paul took my hands, looked into my eyes and repeated it.
"Just... give me a chance. Let me help you, at least... stand by you. You're literally melting in front of me and seeing this... it's too much for me."
What? What... should I do?
I panicked, I looked around, but there was no one. So, I hesitated for a moment.
No... no. I must think straight... I mustn't act like an idiot.
I thought. So many different things filled my mind all at once.
For example... The time I spent with him, almost all of it was fun. I loved Paul as a friend, he was a dear friend to me.
But romantically?
Did I... Did I ever think of him in that way? We joked about it a couple of times, but... it was just a joke. I never thought about anything more than friendship.
Those memories, and much more played over and over in my mind.
Paul is a good person, someone like my brother who is always worried about me. I know that. He's someone I liken to my brother, or rather 'Ethan Subter'.
A relationship... A romantic relationship, with Paul.
Do I want that?
Can this... can it really be good for me?
And so other questions formed in my mind, and then answers.
Can I really ignore all this until my brother comes back? Can I really ignore something so important, something that concerns my life...
I lowered my eyes and looked down at my body.
I've really lost weight. My hands look thinner than usual. Am I... am I really melting as Paul said?
Then... wouldn't that be good for me?
I looked at Paul, who was still looking at me with determination, but also... with a look I couldn't completely understand. It was a look I'd never seen before.
I looked away, back into my own thoughts.
A few seconds passed, then a few more. Feeling more and more awkward because of the silence, I finally took a deep breath.
"Well..."
Paul tilted his head slightly, his lips curled slightly upward.
"What?"
"Okay!"
I shouted, then turned away quickly, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to be face to face with him as I said what I had to say.
"Okay, I accept..."
"Accept what?"
I gritted my teeth, then quickly turned around, this time with the look I always gave him. I couldn't meet his eyes though, so I averted mine.
"Aren't you asking me out? I say yes... I will."
His lips curled even higher, then he leaned closer.
"Really?"
His face came closer to mine, and I saw his eyes sparkle for a moment. It was strange, yet they quickly returned to normal. Then he squinted slightly and I realized I was stuttering as I spoke again.
"R- really..."
I didn't retreat, I understood what had happened and what was going to happen, but I didn't run away. For some reason, I felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was at peace. So, as Paul was approaching me, I let myself go.
It felt good, in a way I didn't expect.
Still... it was a bit strange.
Is this what a kiss is supposed to feel like?
I... I don't know...
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