Chapter 112 Volume III - Chapter 33: Step by Step into Darkness
Clara's image appeared on the holographic screen in front of me as she picked up the call.
Her light brown hair was a bit disheveled, her gray eyes looked as if she was sleepy. Still, she had answered the call, she was in front of me.
A sense of relief enveloped my body as soon as I saw her face. The heat inside me slowly subsided and I calmed down.
When she saw me, her eyebrows raised for a moment, then a worried expression appeared on her face.
"Did something happen? A-"
She paused, waited a moment. Then she let out a deep sigh.
"Are you okay...?"
I felt at peace. Every sound that came out of her mouth made me feel like I had found something I had longed for so long. It was as if everything that had happened to me was unimportant, unnecessary. Clara's presence was enough for me.
I thought about everything that had happened to me so far.
First I betrayed Adrian, my first friend, and even though I made amends later, I left deep wounds in him.
I pushed myself to the limit because I wanted to satisfy myself, I lost my humanity. As if that wasn't enough, I lost a huge part of my emotions because of an idiot skill.
I made things bad between me and Clara by telling her the truth about me.
I killed more than twenty young person without even realizing it. Then I tried to cover it up as if nothing had happened.
I found out that a madman lived inside me and was trying to make me mad too.
I saw dozens, hundreds of people die because of me. My friend was tortured in front of my eyes. I went crazy and almost… almost hurt the friend I was trying to save myself.
Without even realizing it, I turned into someone who enjoys hurting people...
I felt the Absolute Mind working. I could feel my mind clearing, the skill was doing its best to keep me calm.
But this time, I didn't calm down. Instead, I became even more frustrated.
My feelings, my thoughts, my experiences... As the Absolute Mind kept its best to try to calm me, I felt like a puppet... as if none of these things were really under my control.
For a moment I just stared blankly at the image of Clara, and then... I paused again.
I felt as if everything had suddenly piled on top of me, yet the idiot skill wouldn't even let me shed a tear. It was still in control, still trying to stabilize me.
So I did the only thing I could do, the only thing I was allowed to do.
I smiled.
I just smiled.
*******
(A few minutes ago)
I refocused on the question in front of me, trying to figure out what I had done wrong, but... to no avail. Finally I gave up, looked at the clock, and sighed, realizing that I had been struggling with the same question for almost ten minutes.
The questions were difficult, at least they were for me, but with my written exams coming up, I had no choice. And now... I was bored, so bored that it didn't feel like I was getting anything out of studying.
So I closed the book, leaned my head on my arms and closed my eyes. I just wanted to rest a little bit, I just wanted to close my eyes a little bit and I heard a sound.
Something... crackling?
Suddenly my eyes opened, I jumped up quickly.
I forgot the food!
I rushed into the kitchen and saw the thick layer of steam coming out of the pot on the stove. I turned off the stove as fast as I could and looked into the pot out of the corner of my eye.
Crap... I burned it.
I was furious. I dumped the burnt food in the trash and put some water in the pot and left it on the counter.
I went to my room and flung myself on my bed, then sighed again.
How many times had I burned food lately? Normally I never burn food...
Am I getting too little sleep from studying for exams or is there something else?
I looked in the mirror across the room, saw my disheveled light brown hair, and looked into my gray eyes, slightly red from lack of sleep.
I clicked my tongue and closed my eyes.
I had already studied enough, I should sleep. Starting tomorrow on a good note should always be my priority.
~beeep!
~beeep!
~beeep!
I had just closed my eyes when my eyebrows furrowed as my watch rang. But when I saw the caller, I was stunned for a moment.
It was him... my brother...
No, it was Ethan.
Why was he calling in the middle of the night?
I hesitated for a moment, I had an intense desire to sleep, but then I sighed and answered the call.
He was probably calling to check in, it was like a daily routine now. I was used to it, but when I saw his face on the holographic screen in front of me, I felt a sense of dread.
He looked like he had collapsed, and even if his eyes sparkled a little when he saw me, it was strange. He was full of longing, as if we hadn't seen each other for years and this was the first time we had met.
My fear quickly turned to shock and curiosity. What could have caused him to suddenly become like this, when just a day ago he was smiling and looking fit as a fiddle?
No matter how many times I spoke to him, he didn't even give me a simple answer, he just continued to stare into my eyes and then became pensive. He thought for a while, and then a smile appeared on his face.
It was not a smile of happiness in the slightest. It was more pained, like a reflection of regret.
Something must have happened to him.
"Do you have a problem?"
"Clara..."
Desperation washed over him, his voice sounded so pathetic that for a moment I doubted whether he was really the person in my memories. Even he hesitated for a moment, but then all he did was widen his smile even more.
"I... Wh- what should I do?"
His smile became even more bitter, he tried to cover his face with his hands, to hide it.
"I... no matter how hard I try, something always happens... Every time I try to be happy, something happens to me."
His voice trembled, this time he averted his eyes between his fingers.
"Every time I think I have things sorted out somehow, another problem appears in front of me..."
His eyes looked at me again, as if pathetically begging for help, but I couldn't move a muscle.
"I just wanted to be happy... I thought things would be better when I came into this world, but now..."
The hands that clumsily tried to hide his face came down weakly. His expression became even more sour and twitchy. It took on the mournful expression of someone who seemed to be collapsing more and more with each passing second.
Finally, he looked away again, fixing his eyes on the floor. He bit his lip as if there was something he could not accept.
"The only thing I've managed to achieve now is to become a disaster magnet! Whoever is next to me breaks, hurts... I... just hate myself. I hate who I am."
He paused, just stood there for a moment. It was as if his mind had gone blank for a moment, as if it had stopped working. Then... he painfully smiled again.
"I'm... going crazy."
I knew what his skill was. He was talking about going crazy, but he couldn't even do that because of his skill. And that made him more and more hurt, more and more mad.
"I like to see blood. It gives me pleasure to scare people, to terrorize them. I turn from a human being into a monster, I try to make things right and I make it worse... Hahahah... Step by step I... descend into darkness..."
He was angry, but he didn't feel he had the right to be, nor did his skill allow him to be. Yet the hatred he directed at himself was so intense that his voice was crushed and crushed under it, lower and lower.
Yet there was a limit to him too. There was a limit to his skill. After all, no skill was not perfect, and so, at last, he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"I'm sick of it! I'm scared... I want to get away... I want to go somewhere where I won't hurt anyone... I... what should I do?!"
The sudden burst of emotion fizzled out as quickly as it had come and tears welled up in his eyes. Then his shaky, hoarse voice echoed in my ears.
"Help me..."
I felt the desperation in his voice as if I had experienced it myself.
"I can't do it anymore... I can't stand it..."
He buried his head in his arms, his whole body trembled.
How long has he been bottling up his thoughts, his emotions, to explode like this, to make even his skill dysfunctional? How long has he been suffering like this? How long has he been trying to lend a helping hand to everyone else, when in fact he himself is looking for help from someone else...?
As I looked at him, I felt something stirring inside me.
He is not my real brother. Even though I've accepted him before, I still hesitate to call him brother, my voice sounds forced. Even if I'm worried about him, I can't do more. I know he's a good person, I know how hard he's trying, but I can't get too close to him.
Yet the person he is asking for help now is the same person who has been avoiding him until now - me.
He really cared about me. He did his best to fill my brother's shoes, he risked everything to make me happy. And I doubted him, I hesitated.
I gritted my teeth and looked at him, who was still trembling.
I don't know what happened to him, but what can I do in this situation? What can I do to comfort him? What can I do to help him?
I kept thinking and thinking but nothing came to my mind. So I let out a deep sigh… and stopped thinking.
"I'm sorry."
That's what finally came out of my mouth.
"I was selfish, I tried to avoid you... I'm sorry. But I get it now. I'm with you, I'm here. You told me you'd be a pillar I could lean on when I had problems. This time I will be the pillar you can lean on."
He didn't stop shaking, but I continued.
"You always try to ignore yourself and help others, but you need help too. You always try to do things alone, let people help you. You can't do everything alone in this world, you will end up in a dead end. So let us get you out of this predicament."
I took a deep breath.
"Brother, don't you need help?"
He lifted his head, fixed his eyes, red from crying, on mine, and sniffled.
"It's okay."
I put my hand on the holographic screen and smiled, even though I couldn't touch him because he was far away.
"Let yourself relax and rest. Let us help you."
He moved his hand from the holographic screen to mine and buried his head in his arms again.
He didn't say anything and neither did I.
Then what broke the silence were these two simple words.
"T- thank you..."
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