Chapter 107 Volume III - Chapter 28: Realizing and Accepting
I let myself down on the rock, stood there for a while, then sighed deeply, lay on my back, and turned my eyes to the gray sky.
The clouds were getting grayer and grayer, clearly indicating that it would rain soon. If I stood here I would get wet, but I didn't care.
I was alone, and that's what I wanted.
"Lithoa."
'What is it, Adrian?'
"Do you... do you think I'm strong?"
'If you compare yourself to your peers, you might be at the top, but you're not where I want you to be.'
I paused.
Until now Lithoa's obsession with power had always frustrated me, I could never quite understand why he wanted me to get stronger when I was so far ahead of my peers, but lately, I had been contradicting myself.
I thought of the boy I saw during the attack.
A hole had been punched in his stomach right in front of my eyes. I could see him crying his eyes out for help, but I had to leave him there.
And it wasn't just the boy who was screaming for help. There were many others, everyone had suffered unimaginable pain in the brutality of the attack, but I could only watch.
I had decided to change. After my conversation with Aiden... I told myself that I would try to be a good person, I had set myself a goal. I... I wanted to be like him.
Maybe Lithoa didn't want me to get stronger so I could follow my dreams, but especially after this... I couldn't find myself getting angry with him.
I narrowed my eyes, clenched my fists, and grimaced.
The truth is... I'm not strong.
When people were dying in front of me, I didn't lend a helping hand to a single one of them.
I involuntarily clenched my fist even more, realizing that what I had been thinking was hurting me. Admitting that I wasn't strong... it hurt me more than I thought it would.
I stood there for a moment, my fist loosening, my face slowly returning to its original shape. This time my lips curled slightly upward.
I really am pathetic, aren't I...?
I...
"What are you doing there?"
My eyes widened for a moment at the sudden echoing voice, and I quickly turned in the direction of the voice.
I was too absorbed in my thoughts, so I was surprised to suddenly hear someone calling me, but when I saw the person in front of me, my surprise was multiplied several times over.
"Alice?"
Her long, white hair was practically glowing. In contrast to her bright hair, her black eyes were like a black hole in the night. There was no emotion in her expression, she was just looking at me.
I felt something moving inside me, a strange, unnamable sensation enveloped my body. It was really strange. As if this girl in front of me... was someone I knew.
I hadn't paid much attention to her the first time we met, but now I felt as if I had met her long before.
"You look like a pervert."
I recovered from her words and let out a deep sigh.
"You're straightforward."
"I said what I saw."
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you."
"Yes, you did."
There was an awkward silence between us.
"Instead of apologizing all the time, let's say you owe me."
"Owe...?"
I was confused.
"You'll do something I want and I'll accept your apology."
What...?
"Huh? W- well, okay?"
"So, how about you tell me what you're thinking about now?"
I was really surprised looking at the girl whose face was still expressionless.
The Alice I knew was someone who didn't talk much, who only gathered with us to study. She never tried to be 'friends' with us, really, she just joined us when we gathered and fit in, as if her only purpose was to study.
So... why is she acting like this now?
Has she finally decided to get closer to us?
"You're looking like a pervert again."
A look of disgust crossed her face, followed by a sigh.
"I'm leaving if you're not going to talk."
"No! I'm just... a little surprised. You know, you were hardly interested in us at all."
It was strange, but at the same time, my brain started working on its own, as if I had been waiting for this moment until now.
"I was... just thinking."
She just raised her left eyebrow as if I had piqued her interest.
"What are you thinking about, then?"
She was completely ignoring common sense, not even bothering to invade my personal space.
Yet this didn't bother me. On the contrary, it made me feel relieved. It felt good to see that she wasn't afraid of me, that someone could act so recklessly toward someone like me... naive and pathetic.
"I saw a lot of students during the attack."
I didn't want to speak, I didn't want to replay those moments in my head, but the words came out of my mouth on their own.
"Their cries for help, the limbs they lost, the deep wounds, even holes in their bodies... Their eyes, their words asking for help... Their expressions when they saw me, practically begging me to help them... When I think of the attackers taking care not to kill me and a few others, but ignoring the innocents as if they were nothing and killing them mercilessly and painfully, thoughts come to my mind."
I felt a few raindrops falling on me, and then a question popped into my mind.
Why am I telling all this?
I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, her expression still unchanged. She was even focused on me. She was listening to me.
I... whatever. I'll go on.
"Am I not to blame for this? Aren't they killing others because they're targeting me? Hundreds of people suffered because I was powerless, so powerless that I couldn't save a single person. I was so busy running away that I couldn't help a single person out of all those people. I was trying to change, but... I couldn't. That's what I think."
Of course, it would be absurd to say that it was all because of me, but I couldn't help blaming myself.
"If... if I was stronger, if I could help everyone, then I could really change; maybe I could be a good person."
The rain intensified and I slowly started to get wet, but I didn't care, I kept my eyes on the ground. Even if I was sick, one pill would have cured me in a few hours.
"I'm sorry... I'm rambling. You probably expected to hear something more rational-"
"Yeah, I think you're being ridiculous."
Her expression was still the same. Cold, emotionless, but still bright, as if there was nothing else in the world but her.
"But I don't like that you act as if you are at the center of everything."
The words of this shining person suddenly hit me like a slap in the face.
"You can never, ever save 'everyone'. No matter how hard you try, there will always be casualties. You can never have a perfect victory in such evolving environments. No matter who you are, it is impossible unless you are God himself. If your goal is to save everyone you see, to make sure that no one suffers or dies because of you, you better give up. I've never heard anything so unreal."
I felt every word of it touching me, tearing me apart.
"So as long as you keep believing that, you will come out of every large-scale war you fight broken like this. Because 'you can't', as long as you are a human being, how do you plan to save people you can't see?"
I wanted to reject her, but my mouth refused to open. What would I have said if it had opened anyway? What could I say to these words?
"They may seem harsh to you, but they are the truth. You said that you are trying to be a good person, that you feel sorry for the people you can't help, but it seems to me that this is just an excuse you are hiding behind to convince yourself to change. If this is the goal you have set for yourself to change, to be a good person, I suggest you give up now. Otherwise, you will be disappointed every day."
"Then what should I do?"
I clenched my fist.
"Ignore people who are suffering? Stop getting stronger because I'll never be able to save everyone? Stop chasing my dream because it's unattainable, that I shouldn't try to 'change'?"
"You don't have to save everyone to 'change'. Chasing the impossible to be a good person is just a pipe dream. You... seem to have misunderstood the idea of being a good person."
She rolled her eyes for a moment, but she didn't stop and continued.
"Don't focus on saving everyone, focus on saving as many as you can. I'm not saying don't get stronger to save more, get stronger and make it your goal to save more and more people each time. Instead of being upset and broken for those you couldn't save, keep moving forward with those you managed to save and strive for more and more."
There was a flash of lightning, the rain got heavier and my eyes widened.
"I don't think there's a more ridiculous and unnecessary thought in the world than 'I'm going to save everyone'. It's so selfish that it makes you feel like you're the center of the world, that everything revolves around you. You said you feel inadequate, right? Getting stronger is one of the things you can do to solve this, but it would also be helpful to realize that you can get help from other people rather than selfishly thinking only for yourself."
Alice turned around and took a deep breath.
"Anyway, the rain is getting heavier. I suggest you go back to your room if you don't want to get sick."
She made it to the edge of the rock but paused one last time before jumping down. She turned to me, her black eyes fixed on mine.
"By the way, I don't count this as a debt. After all, I didn't force you, you spoke of your own accord."
Without saying anything else, she sighed once more and looked up at the sky in the pouring rain. Her expression turned for a moment as if she was annoyed with something, she muttered something I couldn't hear, and then she jumped off the rock and disappeared from sight.
And I just stared after her.
I was hurt. What she said really touched me. When she emphasized that no matter what, I can't save everyone-
No... I'm still fooling myself. I was angry because she said I couldn't change like that.
Because she made me realize that behind the word 'change' I was pretending that I cared about people, that I was not sad to see them die, but that I was just angry with myself for not being able to change.
Alice... She's completely right...
I gritted my teeth, I didn't want to admit it, but I couldn't deny the fact that she was right.
"Okay..."
I can't say I'm relieved, but thanks to Alice, I realized something.
I really am no different from a child. I believe that I am the chosen one who can save the whole world like in fairy tales... I believe that I am the hero of this world, that I can do everything on my own just because I decided to be a good person...
Alice is really right.
If I keep blaming myself for every person I see I can't save, how long will I be able to stand under this burden?
I stood up, gritting my teeth even harder.
"Okay!"
I shouted.
It really hurt me to realize how much I had misunderstood the word 'change'.
I accepted it anyway. Realizing that otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move forward, I wouldn't be able to do anything but spin around; in short, I would be stuck where I was.
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