Chapter 76 - Lilou Is Mad
Have I ever felt actual fear? Right now, all the fears I've known in my entire life felt shallow.
"I told you not to open your eyes, didn't I?"
The difference in his demeanor was far too distinct not to compare or notice. I crept my gaze to my left and wondered if I have ever truly know the man I'm about to marry.
No. And I'm aware of that.
Sam's crimson eyes fixed on me, drooping low. He licked the blood on the tip of his sharp fang.
My throat instantly felt parched. My lower lip trembled as my breathing grew short.
Specks of blood smeared on his cheek and jaw. When he raised his hand, it was covered with nothing but red.
As if he had dipped his hand in a tub of blood. And that hand was reaching out to me.
I'm… scared.
I held my breath as the tip of his finger that was akin to claws, came closer. But it halted midway.
"You're scared." He uttered under his breath.
I am, was what I wanted to say.
However, my words were stuck inside my throat and my tongue kept rolling back. All I could do was stare at him in fear.
"I've always wanted to show off how I committed genocide in the upper echelon in Grimsbanne. I thought you'll like it." Sam muttered but I could barely grasp his point.
"But after consulting with Fabian, he told me the result might be the opposite of what I'm expecting. He's right."
"Sam, wha — what is going on?" I mustered my courage to ask, despite stammering. "Why — why are you doing this?"
Instead of answering me, Sam slammed his palm against the wall. I stiffened and squeezed my back against the wall, tiptoeing to move back.
Sam walked in front of me, his palm on the side of my head. Again, I held my breath as those eyes filled with intense, jumbled emotions.
His eyes locked with mine until I could see the reflection of myself in them. Although not quite clear, I could see how frightened I looked at the moment.
Sam appeared and felt like a totally different person. He terrified me.
"Do you…" He trailed off, trying to get himself to ask whatever he wanted to ask. "You shouldn't have to see this."
"Did you… knock me out?"
Sam remained silent. I took that as a yes. My fright and dissatisfaction tangled, confusing me with which one to feel.
"Why?" I asked under my breath.
"Because of this." Sam answered as his fangs grew back into small canine teeth. "The way you look at me changed. Was it a look of fear again? Hate? Disgust? Or, all the above? Regardless, I hate it."
"What?"
Sam's gaze turned colder as it sent a chill down my spine. "Forget this had ever happened. I'm selfish, love. I'd rather rob all your memories to keep you by my side at all costs. That is the man I am."
His tone was especially low and heavy. The weight of his words was heavier than anything I had carried on my shoulder. But, there's this hidden touch of melancholic mixed in it.
Regardless, my mind buzzed as I listened to his remarks. It's frustrating.
"Rob all my memories?" I repeated in disbelief. "You want to take this memory out of my head and leave another gap in my memory?"
Although he didn't explain this nor did he confirm, I didn't spend my time studying to not use my head. If this was the old Lilou, she wouldn't even consider this.
However, Sam changed me. He showed me the world that was beyond my imagination. That's why… this felt more painfully insulting.
Sam's expression didn't change as he leaned forward. "That's right. I told you, I might hurt you in some way because I'm greedy. I'm a jester and you fell for his tricks. That's your fault."
"Then, why don't you let me take responsibility for my decision?" I argued, exploding from the overwhelming shock, frustration, and many emotions clamped into one.
"When I saw you, I asked myself if I have truly known you. This is not the first time I asked the same thing, but the answer is always a no. Deep down, I knew I never truly know the entire you. That the part I've been with is just a part of you. I'm aware of that, Sam."
I took a deep breath as I placed my palms on his chest. Slowly, I pushed him back, creating a distance between us. And then I refocused my gaze on him, raising my chin up.
"I'm scared, yes. Not because of what I've seen. But because I'm scared that I'd lose my value to you. You showed pleasure in violence, I'm scared you'd get blinded and not see me anymore."
Again, I paused as I swallowed down any lingering restraint I had. I would say this once and for all, to clear things up before he could erase this memory.
"I loved the Sam who intruded in my home and spoke terrifying things to horrify me. I loved the Sam who pats my head while expressing his satisfaction in my achievements. I loved the Sam who would lay his head on my lap, unguarded. I love the Sam who never slips a chance to tease me. I know that's not your all; that there are parts of you which you hadn't shown me yet. But, I love you, regardless. That's why this feels… insulting and makes me mad."
I spat in one go, barely breathing. I balled my hands in to fist. People had been insulting me all my life, and I didn't care. But this one was a different insult I couldn't just ignore.
That's why I didn't think twice about the words coming out of my mouth.
"I know I'm not in the place to act righteous after constantly doubting you. But… just like your words, this side of you, you don't want to show is what makes you, you." I paused, looking into his eyes, hoping my words would get through his soul.
"I'm not an optimistic person, Sam. So, while you give me your best, I'm also preparing myself to accept your worst." I let out a faint sigh as the stiffness on my shoulder eased.
I felt more relaxed after letting all these thought out of my chest. Sam also calmed down as he looked at me, stunned.
"So, never decide for me again. Whether I love you or hate you, that's my option. The option you, yourself, gave me. That's your fault."
Upon dropping my last remarks, I walked away. Sam didn't seem he would follow me. I also needed some time to gather my emotions and thoughts.
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