Chapter 751 Love yourself
The rest of the day went by with each of them preparing for their departure and before they knew it, the night of their departure was a few hours close. All this time, Lilou had been preparing and stepped out of the estate to the garden to breathe some fresh air. Lilou sat down on the bench in the garden, looking up at the young night sky. She drew a deep breath, cocking her head back and closing her eyes. "If you want to say something, just say it." Her voice had a tinge of exhaustion while opening her eyes ever so slowly. "Just don't stare at me from a distance. You know I can feel your gaze, right?"
Lilou looked back. Her eyes instantly fell on Stefan, standing several steps away from the bench. Stefan chuckled dryly.
"May I join you?" he requested and smiled when Lilou shrugged. She then moved to the side while Stefan advanced in her direction, sitting beside her, leaving a safe gap between them. When both of them were sitting on the bench, Lilou stared at the dark garden. Since it was temporary accommodation, they didn't have the leisure to decorate it with lamps. Fabian would have, though. If they stayed longer.
"Back on the mainland, we had this enormous garden." Lilou's calm and soft voice erupted in the air, keeping her eyes ahead. "I forgot how many times Fabian had to close his eyes every time I and Charlie try to add something in it to make him happy. Obviously, it just annoys him."
"He sounds like he owns the house."
"He owns the house," she corrected and laughed weakly. "He's very efficient in housework and everything. I used to live all alone in my humble shack, but after meeting Sam and everyone, I can't imagine living that life again."
"I'm not saying the life of a peasant, but the life of being all alone," she continued, lowering her eyes. "It terrifies me. That's why I was grateful that after the regression, you came for me."
Stefan lowered his eyes and smiled subtly. "I… initially planned on abducting you and hogging you all for myself," came out a confession, which didn't surprise her at all. "I thought, what if… I keep my mouth shut and let the guilt devour me bit by bit? Even if it's just a short while, I want to live normally with you and delude myself that we are a couple." His tone had a tinge of bitterness and regret. "Before the regression, I had always asked myself with the 'what ifs?' What if I didn't erase her memories? What if I was just as selfish as Hell and kept you by my side regardless of the dangers? Will we be happy? What would it be like?"
"Can I hold her hand just like how he holds her? Exchange vows with her? There were myriads of what-ifs that came into my head. I did my best to wrap things up, promising myself I'll show up in that shack again and pursue you," he added, smiling bitterly as deep sadness pooled in his eyes. "But plans rarely go my way, don't they?"
"Hell suddenly woke up from his slumber and harassed you. Eventually, he captured your heart and married you, regardless of the dangers."
"He didn't harass me." Lilou bit her tongue when he cast her a cursory look and said, "he didn't?"
"Well…" she trailed off when he let out a low chuckle. Stefan looked at the nothingness ahead. "I was getting impatient and paranoid that I asked Hanzel to make an illusion to meet you. When I saw you standing in front of that window, good lord… I missed her so much. That's what I told myself."
"I was so excited to see you up close and talk to you after years that I forgot the condition of the illusion. Only when you called me using a different name did I realize that illusion will make you see the person you love and trust the most." Stefan took a pause, recalling that time in Cunningham when Lilou fell into an illusion. "I was angry, but also selfish. I blamed others and didn't want to take responsibility."
"I took things further and further, getting more desperate to get what I believed was mine." He leaned back, stretching his legs forward. "Even though I know you were never mine, to begin with. It had always been Samael. From the start, you mistook me for him."
Lilou remained silent as she listened to his voice, which still left a pang in her heart. "You're right," her voice came out after a minute of nothing but silence. "I mistook you as Sam at first, thinking you're that person who had always made me feel warm. I mistook you for someone who never made me feel alone," she continued in a somber tone. "However, I did like you at one point. How deep, I don't know. But what I am certain of is that I liked Lexx for what and who he was… even though he was cruel and nurtured the monster in me. I liked him. He was my family."
"Was there a chance that we could've ended up together if I didn't leave you in Banse?" he asked. "What do you think?"
"I don't know." Lilou shrugged. "And I don't want to think about it. I'm with Sam now, and we had children together. I love him… more than myself and I can't imagine my life without him in it. I'd die."
Stefan smiled bitterly. But he had seen that answer coming. He was all alone in those feelings and was the only person who had such questions. Even after the regression, he would never get her answers because with or without her memories, Lilou had always known there was already someone who had a strong hold of her heart. And that wasn't Stefan. "But I meant every word I said before." Lilou snapped her eyes ever so tenderly, setting them to his side profile. She waited for him to look back at her before she continued. "I had always liked you, Lexx. It might not be the same as what I feel for my husband, but I never hated you. Be it then or now, regardless of the bad blood between us, I can never hate you."
The side of her lips curled up as she rocked her head encouragingly. "How can I? If, at one point, I can understand why you were antagonizing us. It made me angry, yes. Because I had always understood your heart, I just cannot condone it and clashed with you head-on. Hence, I never hated you when you were alive and even when after your death."
"Lexx." Lilou mustered her courage and reached for his hand that was resting on his lap. "If you truly love me, don't search for your happiness from me. Channel that love or emotion to yourself. Love yourself. That's my only wish."
Stefan observed the slight smile on her face, but her encouraging words didn't encourage or discouraged him. It only tore his heart because what she was wishing for was devastating for him. "You're really cruel." He held her hand with his thumb, pressing it mildly. "But I will try, Lulu. I will try… to be happier without you. Maybe that's the best revenge I can do."
The two of them looked at each other, exchanging a subtle smile. They didn't say much, but that was enough for them. A small talk without arguing. It somehow left this relief in their hearts. And they were grateful for this chance they had never had in the past.
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