Chapter 674 His heart had spoken
"I also wonder, Via. What did you even see in me?"
Silvia's breath hitched at his question. It had been a very long time since Rufus called her like that. Rufus only called her by her name when things between them were still good. However, after that, never once did Rufus address her without honorifics.
"Why are you wasting your time on someone who thinks he can decide for you?" she turned around as he continued, only to see him looking back at her with utter bitterness in his eyes. "What we had is something I was grateful for. However, it's not worth dwelling on it anymore. You and I… we already knew it will never work between us. Even if you still love me and I…"
Rufus trailed off as he bit his tongue. He knew he shouldn't be spewing things like this and leaving things as they were. But he had already opened his mouth. Then again, they would leave the Capital tomorrow or the next day. Once they did, they wouldn't return until things were settled.
He balled his hands into a tight fist as he mustered the courage to express his heart for once. Just this once, he thought, he wanted to tell her the things he wished he had told her. Because once things were over, he believed they would all return to their life and there was no other chance to say this to her.
"… I loved you, Via. I still do." Her eyes dilated as she held her breath, doubtful of the words in her ears. "There was a point in my life that I thought if I could reverse the time, I would do better. To keep you, to have you again, and to love you correctly."
Rufus took a step forward until he was standing in front of her. He looked at her face gently, raising his hand to cup her face. As soon as his trembling palm touched her cheek, he smiled bitterly, feeling his longing for her increase.
"You don't have any idea how many times I thought of you, of holding you, being with you, and doing everything with you. Even right now, I still longed for you. I wanted to be selfish and delude myself we can still be happy — you and I," he continued, staring into her eyes while tears shone in them. "I can't, Via. I can't be with you again."
"Why?" she asked under her breath, holding his hand that was cupping her cheek. "I still love you and you still feel the same. There's no one who will stop us this time. I promise I will do it properly, Ru. Let's not yearn for each other anymore and just be with each other, hmm?"
His lips were pressed into a thin slash, staring at her deeply. He caressed her lean cheek with his thumb, treasuring every second he could. This was probably the only To her dismay, he shook his head. Seeing his gesture, her heart instantly sank as her lips quivered.
"Why?" she whispered. "Why would you suddenly say all that? Are you perhaps thinking it'll be fun to watch me hold on to the sliver of hope only for you to take it away? Why, Rufus? Why?"
His lips were pressed into a thin slash, staring at her deeply. He caressed her lean cheek with his thumb, treasuring every second he could. This was probably the only time he had to look at her this close and without concealing the desire in his eyes.
"Because… you're not mine anymore." Her brows furrowed, and before she could argue with him, he continued. "There will be a point in your life where you'll be happy with only your company and have someone who will love you the way you deserved to be loved and valued. I can't take that away from you."
Because at the end of the day, even when Yulis and Silvia couldn't remember their story, Rufus remembered. He witnessed it with his own eyes, watching the love of his life, let go of the shackles that bound her with him.
Rufus was not doing this for Yulis or for Samael or for himself. That would be hypocritical.
If he was going to be selfish and choose himself, he would've taken advantage of the situation to get a different ending. However, even if he deeply wanted to, he couldn't cheat Silvia. He couldn't take her happiness away just because he couldn't let her go.
Silvia was happy and content with her life before the reversal of time. She didn't voice it out frequently, but he could tell since he had been watching her from a distance. She had rebuilt herself from scratch and he didn't want to ruin that.
"Are you predicting the future again?" came out a disbelief voice, watching him shake his head mildly.
"No." He forced a smile on his face. "I just know because you're Silvia."
"Hah… that again — don't make me laugh."
"Silvia," he called and let out a deep exhale, waiting for her to look him straight in the eye. "Please let me go. Let yourself go."
Her mouth opened and closed, but her words were stuck in her throat. She couldn't understand him and his reason for stirring her emotions, only to break her heart once again.
"You're so cruel," came out a muffled voice, suppressing her tears from escaping her eyes. Silvia bit her lower lip, pounding her fist against his chest weakly.
"Why…? If you don't plan to heal me, then why would you say things you know will ruin me?" her voice cracked and before she knew it, hot liquid rolled down her cheek. "You're selfish… I hate you… I hate you…"
Rufus let out a shallow breath as he let her punch him weakly, but he didn't take his words back. In the end, although he didn't selfishly take her back, he was still selfish for expressing his heart, knowing it would only hurt her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, warranting a snicker from her. "I'm really sorry."
"Shut up!" Silvia clutched his chest, grinding her teeth, glaring daggers at him. Her bloodshot eyes dug into his eyes, letting him see how he could ruin her with mere words so he would know how his very existence devastate her.
"Don't… ever show your face to me ever again," she expressed out of spite, clutching his chest tighter before loosening her grip. "You asked me what I saw in you? Honestly, I also wonder what I like about a bastard like you. If only I knew… I wouldn't be like this."
Silvia took a step back and huffed, shaking her head in disappointment, eyes on him. She scoffed once again before she turned around, leaving him behind without ever looking back.
Meanwhile, Rufus stayed still and watched her leave him all alone.
'It's better this way,' he thought, mentally nodding in agreement. 'We won't be able to see each other, anyway. I'm sorry, Via. I really do.'
Rufus stayed there for as long as he could remember. When he turned around to leave, he heard something from within shatter. Although he had closure with Silvia before the reversal of time, it was more or less Silvia's closure. Rufus never got to express his heart and only now did he muster the courage.
Although the timing wasn't perfect and he had hurt her once again, Rufus had more reason to put things back in their rightful place. His eyes glinted with determination, enduring the striking pain in his heart.
'I'll make sure your pain will not last for years, Via.'
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