I let out a shallow breath as I recalled that conversation with Sam regarding our first son, Rufus. That made me recall I received a letter from Rufus, but because we had a picnic, I didn't get the chance to read it. Well, I could read them later and reply.
I continued to skim through Sam's journal and found some interesting articles regarding Sam's experience on the mainland. I chuckled as I didn't know my husband's mind was this silly. No wonder he didn't want me to read them, as it would expose how dirty his mind was.
"Is it normal to write an entire page of insult?" I murmured, shaking my head as Sam wrote an entire page of insult about someone and called it a list of why he needed to choose peace over violence. The person he just insulted was already "this pathetic" as what was written, and ending that unfortunate life was disheartening and a waste of energy and time.
There wasn't much aside from the frequent sentiments every once in a while regarding me. But when I reached the part before I awoke, my eyes softened. Before I awoke from my eight-month slumber, there were only a few entries in the journal during that time. Meaning, Sam didn't have the leisure to write about his daily struggles.
Writing a journal would make one recall about the day and during my coma, Sam needed something else to do. The ones that were written here were just simple information about cleaning, his first meeting with Tilly, Sam's opinion about her, and his promise to wait for me while doing his best to give his family a good life.
I smiled softly, caressing his beautiful handwriting. "A life they deserve even if I had to grovel at someone's feet," I read under my breath, feeling a bit teary at my husband's resolution and how he took responsibility for his decision to start over.
"It wasn't easy, but he managed. He provides for us and gave us a life where we can enjoy a leisure afternoon without worry," I muttered, appreciating my husband even more. "I am one lucky woman."
I leaned my side against the shelf, flipping the pages, and just skimmed through it. After that book, I search for other books that were older than the ones I read. I didn't even think of hiding as I would accept any punishment from him — well, my husband's punishment was the things the both of us enjoyed as a married couple.
Soon, I stumbled at the year when I was in my five-year slumber. This time, I sat on the floor, back on the shelf, knees bent, with a book in my hands.
"This is before I woke up," I muttered, starting on the first page this time instead of starting in the middle. "I'm always curious how Sam raised Law. Hehe."
A smug grin appeared on my lips as I giggled mischievously. I cleared my throat and focused on Sam's handwriting, reading the date on the first page.
[ All my life, I never wanted a child. In this world and time, I always wonder why the damn hell people are reproducing? Was their libido stronger than their brains that they couldn't help create a child? It was... baffling. Humans and vampires alike were appalling creatures.
I never knew the day would come when I would also be baffled at myself.
In this cruel world and time, a life my wife and I created was growing within her, making her belly so big; I thought she just swallowed an entire watermelon. Although she's a bit crazy on the days she's conscious, she's still my wife. I needed longer patience.
Of course, I wanted a child with her. I can imagine little Lilous' running around, calling me affectionately with a bright smile on their cute little faces. I wished all our children will look just like her, for she was the most beautiful woman my eyes gazed upon. No amount of paint and hours of work could justify the beauty of my wife.
God... I'm one lucky man. She's the only person who made me want to see my future in a different light.
In the past, all I see was darkness, blood, and countless deaths. But with her, I started imagining a simple life where we spend a lazy afternoon under the shade of a tree while making out. I started dreaming of starting a family with her whom we will love sincerely. Things that never crossed my head kept filling my mind until they subconsciously became my motivation to move forward.
Lilou is the love of my life. The only woman I will marry in all lifetimes.
But... I honestly dislike her situation. For a child, for our child, she was putting her life at risk. Between her and that life growing within her, I will choose my wife in a heartbeat. That was what I wanted to tell her — something I was determined to do.
And yet, I always lose my voice every time I wanted to utter those words. At first, I was bewildered. I was determined to kill our child to save her, but I couldn't bring myself to. Was it because I didn't want her to hate me? Or she would get hurt if she knew I killed our child? Was it as simple as I didn't want to become someone like my father who could murder his children?
Those questions filled my head for months as my wife's belly grew bigger. I only got my answers when I heard our son's first cry. When I saw his dirty little hands, which were still covered with a bit of blood and mucus, everything made sense.
I loved him even before I met him as well. I already loved him and I was shamelessly in denial due to our circumstances.
Everything... including those vicious thoughts I had for months, was answered when I first laid my eyes on that child. And when I held that little life in my arms for the first time? I was on my knees, shedding too many tears I didn't know I had in store.
That second, I hated myself for even considering taking our son's life before he was born. I would forever atone for that.
Because this little thing in my embrace, crying unintelligently, and not knowing a single damn thing in the world, saved a pitiful man such as myself.
I didn't deserve it, but our son... saved me from falling deeper into the abyss. His existence was brighter than the sun, devouring all the darkness that shrouded my life.
That is why... I wanted to give him a life that wouldn't follow the tradition his father and uncles had taken, and get caught up with the pressure of his father's name. Neither did I plan for him to live the cruel life his mother lead until we met. Strange, I know, but I want to give him a life where he could smile without worry, follow his heart and passion, and become his own law.
Law.
That is what I will name him. A person who lives according to his own terms. Law.
I should scratch the other names I thought for him. ]
"Gosh, Sam." I giggled as I wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes, gazing at the name he scratched. "Lolo? Lilibeth? Lilouesam? Liloussion? Lilou loves Sam forever? Goodness, Sam.. I'm very glad you didn't name our son with that last one."
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