Chapter 496 - I'm Just Confused?
"Do you want to stay here tonight?"
Silvia let out a soft chuckle and nodded lightly. She didn't think she wanted to be alone tonight, and having some company was what she needed. So Yul welcomed her into his chambers.
Now, the two of them laid down on the bed, staring at the ceiling in silence. Neither of them talked for a long time until Silvia opened her mouth.
"I never asked before, but..." she paused and took a deep breath without casting him a look. "Do you love, Lilou?"
"I do." His answer was quick and without a second thought. "Isn't that obvious?"
"I mean, do you see her as a woman?" this time, she turned her head to the side, studying his side profile. Yulis remained quiet, but his expression didn't change. When he cocked his head to face her, Silvia raised her brows as she anticipated his answer.
"No."
"Are you sure? You never thought that you wished you were Hell? That you wished you are the person holding her hand? Kissing her?"
A slight frown resurfaced in his countenance at her question. "I love Lilou and I will die for her. If she asks me for my arm, I will give it to her. If she wants me to warm her bed, I will. It is a bit complicated. However, my love for her isn't something like that, Silvia. I thought you understand that more than anyone."
He stared at her in silence.
"She is my only blood kin and Lilou was someone who also loved me with all her heart. Although it wasn't romantic, our heart is involved. I don't really care if people misunderstand my affection for her," he added in a low and solemn tone.
"Then why are you explaining now?"
Yulis let out a shallow breath. "Isn't it obvious? There are only a few people whose opinions matter to me. Lilou, Hell, and... yours."
Silvia stared into his eyes, and she couldn't help but sigh. There he was again, she thought. In these five years, she had been exchanging letters with Yulis more than anyone. They even met a few times a year; sometimes, he would visit the east to celebrate her birthday.
These were all normal, as they were closer than anyone. But sometimes, she couldn't help but read too much into things, into his actions, words, and the impression in his eyes. Yulis wasn't that kind of man and she knew that deep down.
"Yul," she called after a moment of silence. "Am I worthy to give half of your life?"
Silvia rolled and laid to her side, propping her temple with her knuckles. Her eyes remained on him while Yulis didn't look away.
"Of course," she already predicted his answer, so she wasn't surprised. Thus, she asked again.
"Why? Is it because I am important to Lilou? Or is it because you lost Cassara that you didn't want to lose another sister?"
This time Yulis remained silent momentarily. A hum slipped past his lips as he peeled his eyes away from her to the ceiling.
"I grew up in the palace with everyone. I've always known I wasn't a La Crox, so I picked up the habit of observing. Watching my siblings; witnessed how Cassara foolishly grew into a pampered princess, how Klaus saw Lucia as a mother figure, Dominique's sympathy for Stefan, Alistair's yearnings for everyone's love, Hell's transition, Hanz slowly get drunk of jealousy and inferiority, how Dyrroth and Lucia sneak behind everyone's back, and your devotion to the knight Hell brought back with him." He paused to take a break, tracing back his memory lane as a La Crox.
"After observing everyone for a long time, I realized I never had the same look in everyone's eyes. I didn't feel the need to prove myself worthy in the eyes of the late king. All I felt was... sympathy for his children. That you were all trying so hard and did your best, but it was never enough for him."
Yulis slowly set his eyes back to her. He raised his hand while his finger brushed away a few strands from her forehead.
"I always think everyone including, Stefan, Hanz, Alphonse, and Alistair deserved to live. I feel sorry for them that the late king ruined his children," he expressed under his breath as his eyes softened.
"I also think that if the late king showed a bit of appreciation to his children, things won't turn out like this. Dyrroth and Lucia will be great rulers. Alphonse will support them, for sure. Hell will probably still be Hell, but at least he will behave in Grimsbanne. Stefan will surely rule over Monarey with Dominique and Alistair since they look up to him. Hanz will probably find his reasons and deal with his inferiority. Klaus... maybe he will become a knight of Lucia. Cassara will still be alive and is living in luxury, our other brothers and sisters living life a bit happier. Jayden will probably become a scholar or live a vagabond life since he was always curious about the world. And you, Silvia, you, and Rufus will probably have children already."
"If I can save you all, I would've done it." Yulis continued as a subtle smile appeared on his face. "But you're the only one I can, Silvia. I have many regrets, but giving you half of my life is never one of them."
Silvia pressed her lips into a thin line as she gazed down. "So in the end, I really read too much into things."
"You didn't." He shook his head, waiting for her to lift her eyes back to him. "It's just... you feel responsible and think that you owe me anything — you don't. You're just confused, Silvia. Whatever you're feeling about me and about that night, they're not yours. Part of me just lived within you, so seeing me makes you think you are mine. You're not."
The corner of his lips curled up as he ruffled her hair slightly. "You are yours, Silvia. No one owns you but yourself."
"Is that so?" she asked in a weak tone and saw him nod. "I'm just confused?"
"Mhm."
Silvia let out a shallow breath as he retrieved his hand. "But does that mean a part of you wishes I am yours as well?" her question made him freeze momentarily before he laughed.
"No, of course, no...t." His words drifted back into his throat when she suddenly bent over and her lips crashed against his. Yulis's eyes dilated as his back stiffened, blinking in disbelief while she drew her head back.
Her lips pressed together, staring into his dilated eyes. "Did that feel anything, Yul? Did it feel it is out of confusion and...?"
This time, Silvia couldn't finish her sentence as he lifted his head, tilted his head, and claimed her lips. Her eyes softened as they closed, deepening the kiss while he cupped her jaw.
She may be confused about a lot of things and there were a lot of unanswered questions in her head.. She didn't know it all, but what she was certain was her heart had always known what it wanted.
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