Chapter 494 - [Bonus ]Thank You For The Pain
"You and I are not those people anymore, my lady. You are not the curious and mischievous princess, and I am not that foolish and greedy young knight anymore."
"Do you still hate me, Ru?" Her eyes softened with bitterness, raising the question she could never ask before. Even Silvia was surprised that she could talk to him like this while staring straight into his eyes and without losing her mind.
"After everything I did in the past... do you still hate me?"
Rufus shook his head lightly. "I never hated you, my lady."
"Tss. You don't have to lie."
"I'm not lying, my lady." His eyes glinted as his expression grew solemn. "The person I hated is myself. I couldn't protect my people from you, and I couldn't protect you from doing that to them. You will not sully your hands if I was stronger back then. That's why I never truly hated you."
"Ru..." A shallow breath escaped her nose as her shoulders relaxed. "... it was a beautiful love, right? What we had... it was beautiful. Just where did things go wrong?"
Rufus pressed his lips and shrugged. "I wonder."
There was a moment of silence as they held each other's gaze. For some reason, this brought them back to a similar situation in the past. The only difference was that he wasn't that young knight who was too flustered by her teasing. And she was not the mischievous princess with a bright smile.
They didn't look at each other with curiosity, interest, and fear like they used to. Right now, their eyes were filled with relief, respect, and a clear line between them.
Surely, they had grown older and mature.
"I loved you," she whispered with a bitter smile. "Ardently and passionately loved you, Ru. You were my world, and I'd rather sacrifice a thousand if that means you will live. I loved you so that I married my brother so I can breathe the same air you breathe — even when I felt breathless at times."
Silvia paused, leaning back as a bitter chuckle escaped her mouth. "Even when you told me to let you go, I can't. No matter how painful, I couldn't. I thought I will die if I did, but holding on to you hurt so much it was slowly killing me too. I kept wondering why would you not see me? Questioning myself if that is all I mean to you? I loved you and at the same time, I hate that I love you. I blamed you for everything. Just a little appreciation is all I need back then, Ru.
But you were cruel. You didn't give me the slightest appreciation or recognition. So I hated you even more. But... it's not your fault. The pain, the sufferings, the sacrifices... you didn't ask me to do all that. From the beginning, you already let go, but I just stubbornly held on. You knew if you recognized the slightest of my effort, it will only give me false hope."
Silvia chuckled, recalling her foolishness of the past. She used to shed tears whenever she thought about this, but her eyes remained dry. Rufus remained silent while staring at her, relief filling his eyes, seeing how clear her eyes were. Still, he couldn't deny that his heart clenched with her words.
"I loved you, Ru," she confessed sincerely.
"But I bring out the worst in you," he added in a quiet voice, making her press her lips into a thin line.
"I don't regret it, though. Not even the slightest." Silvia took a deep breath and exhaled it sharply.
"Me too, Via. I never regret our time together. If anything..." he gazed down and smiled bitterly. "... I wished to cherish them forever. They were... beautiful, after all."
"Yes, they are beautiful." — because the youngsters in those memories were long dead. The young knight and the beautiful princess were nothing but the casualties of the past. No matter how they tried, they were already their own people.
She wasn't the playful princess he fell madly in love with, and he wasn't the stubborn knight who would pick up flowers for her. Sad, but that was the story of their love.
"Thank you for the pain, Ru." She smiled as she glanced at the shut door. "You are the lesson who taught me to value, respect, and love myself first."
Rufus smiled, nodding, but said nothing. Her words felt like a hand that had been holding him, but now that hand was letting him go. He should feel lighter without the excess weight, but sadly, it felt heavier now.
"You're free now, Ru," she whispered, but his eyes softened.
"No, Via. You are," he replied under his breath, raising his gaze to see her pair of clear eyes. A weak smile appear on his face as he took a deep breath and out.
"I'm glad that you freed yourself from my shackles." Rufus knew he would never be free because she still owned his heart from then and forever. But he wouldn't hold on to her heart because it would only ruin her. He was already glad that Silvia let him go. Now, she didn't have to carry this heavy burden they'd been carrying together for a very long time.
Silvia just smiled at him in response. She was dazzling, even with the absence of innocence in her eyes.
"Fabian went away to reheat the tea. It will take a while." Rufus glanced at the shut door while she chuckled. "How considerate of him."
"He is full of surprises."
Rufus leaned back and took a deep breath. "Mhm. I'm still a little concerned since he raised the crown prince."
"Your concern is justified." Silvia nodded, thinking about Law. "If Law is my sibling, the late king will kill him, without a doubt. He is one scary child, and what's even more concerning is that Lilou sees him as a harmless little boy."
"Don't fret, my lady. Her Majesty had this ability to make people want to be a good person."
She looked at him with a smile, closed-lipped. "Well, I'm sure she will put Law under control. Just like how she tamed Hell."
*****
Meanwhile, Fabian was walking away from the sitting room while pushing the food trolley with him. A subtle smile appeared on his lips as the tea went cold already.
"Love..." he muttered, thinking of the conversation between his brother and the love of Rufus' life. ".... what a complicated thing."
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