Chapter 446 - [Bonus ]I Don't Need The Perfect You
We tried different games in the street fair and collected a fair amount of stuffed toys as prizes. Honestly, I didn't feel tired until Sam and I sat down on a bench around the plaza while Charlotte helped Law and Adam buy some more cotton balls.
I gazed at the stuffed animals on my side, smiling at the numbers we had gathered. We could use all these as decorations for Law's room or mine. (If my son didn't like it.)
"Did you have fun?" I snapped my eyes and turned my head to my right. There, Sam sat beside me with his palm on the bench, leaning back lazily.
"Yes." I pressed my lips, patting the toy animal on my lap. "How about you?"
Sam hummed a long tune, gazing ahead to the plaza's open space. There was public storytelling event and people were flocking around it.
"Of course," he answered after a long pause while the corner of his lips curled up. "It's our first family day-out. It feels like I am in a dream."
He cast me a brief look, shrugging. "Don't you feel the same?"
"You're right..." my smile grew bitter as I gazed down at the stuffed animal on my lap. "It feels surreal... everything feels like a dream — a beautiful one where I don't want to wake up."
I slowly raised my head and immediately caught Charlotte and the two youngsters in the crowd. Law and Adam were dragging our little Charlotte to the storytelling event, making me chuckle softly.
"We now have a son, Sam... and you raised him wonderfully. I feel sorry for him. He didn't have a mother for the first five years of his life, and it terrified me I might disappoint him." I took a deep breath as the reality felt bittersweet. "While he looks at me with an innocent smile, I kept wondering what will I do if he looks at me differently if he gets to know me? I loved him. Deep down, I really do. But I fear his existence."
My last remarks came out muffled as my eyes flickered with bitterness. Spending a day with Law made me happy, but the fear creeping into my heart was just as intense as that happiness. Law was a bundle of joy, and it scared me I would end up ruining him.
"You will be fine." I gazed up at Sam and caught the gentle smile on his face. "I'm very sure of that."
I bit my lower lips, staring at my husband, who had his hundred percent confidence in me. We had a great day today, but at the back of my head, we had problems we hadn't gotten the chance to talk about.
"Sam," I called under my breath, my lower lip trembling. "What did I do to you...? In the past five years, what did that Lilou do to you?"
Sam raised a brow as his lips parted, but no words came out. Instead, he rocked his head and averted his eyes to the crowd. A sigh slipped past my lips, thinking he was avoiding the question.
"Sam, there's something wrong with me." I reached for his hand, waiting for him to look back at me once again before adding, "Please don't keep me in the dark."
"Uh..." he let out a deep murmur, glancing at me as he clipped his fingers on my hand. "Nothing in particular."
"Sam."
"It's true," Sam affirmed with a slight nod. "Aside from talking to me, you did nothing — you can't."
I looked at Sam with bitterness in my eyes. What did he mean by that? I clearly recalled how Charlotte tried to avoid detailing that part. She said she would rather stab her own throat with her arrow than tell me. Surely, it wasn't that simple as what he claimed.
"Lilou." He sported a helpless smile before looking away. "You didn't have to do anything to hurt me."
There was a long pause after he remarked. I waited, staring at his rear, and noticed how his eyes softened with bitter memories. That second, I knew deep in my heart he wasn't lying.
"It's not like I want to keep you in the dark, but you... that Lilou, who wakes up every thirtieth day, can also give me a dream just like today before turning it into a nightmare. During the first three years since your slumber, she made that day of that month dreadful each time, and the more I talked to her, the more I longed for you." Sam let out a bitter chuckle, recalling those days in the past.
"She has a vicious tongue, and she made me feel so pathetic, so helpless, and so... insignificant. But honestly, the reason her words hurt so much is that they were facts." Again, he paused as a ridiculing chortle came out. "That Lilou can't lie for a long time. She might try to deceive me by acting the wife I knew, but she hates it every time I fall for it. Then... I realized, maybe, that is still you."
Sam slowly fluttered his eyelashes and gazed back at me lovingly. "You two act and speak differently, but there were things that you two have something in common."
I pursed my lips and studied his expression. His eyes bore pain and bitterness with a touch of relief.
"You and that Lilou... you both love Law." my breath hitched at his remarks. "She was there and witnessed your growing stomach. She will hurt me with her words, but she never tried to hurt the child inside her. Even when she was in pain, she would wrap her arms around it and suffer in silence. She... You did all that to protect our child, Lilou."
My husband pushed himself lightly and moved closer to me. He placed his hand atop my hand, squeezing it, and offered me a reassuring smile.
"You and that Lilou may have a different persona, but I know you two are the same person, my love." He cupped my jaw while I chewed my lower lip. He caressed my cheek with his thumb, offering me a helpless smile.
"If I can't love that worst version of you, then I don't deserve your best, don't you think?"
"Sam..." I swallowed down the tension building up in my throat. My vision blurred with tears pooling in her eyes, but I still caught him smiling.
"I don't need the perfect you. I — Law and I just need you. So, don't be afraid of committing mistakes because we are not perfect. We were never perfect, Lilou." Sam wiped my tears with the back of his fingers as his voice sounded so soothing, moving my rotting heart.. "And that is alright."
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