Chapter 357 - My Pain Wasn't Fake
"Darling! It was Fabian! You know how crazy and stubborn he can get. I was about to scold him! No, he should be punished!"
'I had more respect to him when he was in his slumber.' Rufus thought, cringing at how easily Samael sold Fabian to save his own skin. 'My lord, I promised to respect you more once you wake up from your long slumber, but do you have to make it so difficult?'
Meanwhile, Fabian didn't care much about Samael selling him out. He had long mastered the art of expecting nothing from his lord. He had actually expected such an outcome.
"Please don't hurt me — " Samael shut his eyes when Lilou entered his proximity, hands raised, expecting a slap or a punch. But nothing. He peeked through one of his eyes to see her staring at him intently, panting for air.
"Is it.... really you?" Her bottom lip trembled, raising her hand to reach for him. "Sam?"
******
"Sam?" I reached for him, but clenched my hand midway and withdrew it away. My eyes shifted to Fabian with a basket lying next to him, and then to Rufus, who simply cocked his head to the side.
I rubbed my eyes as hard as I could and then looked at the three once again. I wasn't imagining things. There was no doubt these three looked just like them. But how?
"Tell me." My voice shook as the tension in my throat felt like strangling me.
"Of — of course, Love." Sam took a step forward, but I instinctively stepped back. He froze at my action, clenching his hand as he looked at me in the eye.
"Give us some privacy. Make sure not a single rat will come in here." He ordered without taking his eyes off of me, and those two disappeared like shadows. "Love, why don't we sit and talk? I will explain..."
"Explain now."
"But --"
"Now." This time, my tone was firmer. "I want to hear how are you still alive, Sam. I want to know what happened, how did it happen, and just... everything!"
The wind whistled in our ear as we stared at each other in silence. Obviously, I should be happy as I had been looking forward to this. However, I didn't know what to feel... or what to do. I just... didn't know.
"Alright." Sam let out a heavy sigh, nodding as he staggered back. "As I've said, our death is all part of the plan. What you've seen is a premeditated ending to get them off of our backs..."
Sam explained everything from the beginning until the end. He told me about the undead and Alphonse's participation in the turned vampires. Sam was the type of person who had a straightforward and brutal way of dealing with things. But because of more enemies lurking in the shadows, he had to change his game plan if he wanted us to survive.
That was why Sam refused to drink my blood to appear weak. If he fought with underlying conditions and mobilized the undead in that state, no one would question his death. Instead, people would expect such an outcome.
It was smart. Instead of painting himself as a formidable villain, he wanted to paint himself as a pitiful soldier going into war alone. The last desperate struggle. His death would mark the death of Fabian and Rufus, two thorns that everyone also wanted to get rid of.
And then... me. The death of my husband would also be my death; the death of the person whose existence shouldn't have existed. If everything played according to his plan, we would've lived in the shadows. Whether we plan to make a move against Stefan or just live like that, that depended on our decision after their brief slumber.
"I know it's not your fault," he said while I hung my head low. "You know nothing about the plan and... I should've told you instead of expecting that you will understand and trust me."
"You think I didn't trust you?" I bit my lower lip, balling my hand into a fist. "I had trusted you, that's why I followed Fabian. However, you know I won't trust you blindly."
I raised my head and faced him squarely. More than happiness and relief, I was... disappointed. I was hurt. I was angry.
"Everything I've seen, everything you said, everything... was all fake?" I scoffed, laughing through my tears as I took a step back and ran my fingers through my hair.
"Love, I'm sorry. I know you're disappointed that..." He took a step forward but stopped when I raised a hand.
"Stay where you are." I cautioned, pacing back and forth to absorb all this information. "I know I should be glad, relieved, but Sam, my pain wasn't fake."
"Love..."
"Sam! I grieved for you. I died every time I breathe, knowing I killed you — my negligence, the trust, the love... those killed you, Sam, and there's not a single minute I didn't blame myself for that." Each word bore weight I had been carrying for a long time. "There's not a single day that passed that I didn't ask myself what if I trusted myself and stayed longer? Not a single night I wished you will be there to comfort me."
Sam opened and closed his mouth while I tried to stomp the frustrating tension in my throat. "It was devastating, Sam. What I had gone through was hell... and that is not fake."
"I... know."
"You know? Of course, you do! But you never felt that, right? You just know, like always! You just fucking know, Sam. You know you love me, trust me, want to marry me; your mind knows, but does your heart understand it?" My voice pitched as I could hear my voice echoing in the air, but I didn't care. I wanted to shout so much louder, curse to fill an entire book, and just let it all out.
"Even right now, I am the one to blame because I didn't listen. If only I obeyed Fabian, we wouldn't be in this situation, right? Sam?" I choked, my lungs constricting as my breathing grew shorter by the minute. It was suffocating.
"No, of course, it's not --"
"You haven't thought about that?" I cut him short, stomping towards him, and grabbed his collar. "Can you really say that to my face? That there is not a single moment you didn't think it was my fault? Look at me in the eyes and tell me you didn't consider that, Sam. That if only your wife listened, everything will be perfect."
"Can you really say that while looking at me in the eye?" I paused, eyes on him. "That it was not me who put myself in this hell?"
There was a brief silence between us as I clenched my teeth. I knew it was my fault for not listening. If only I listened, I wouldn't be in that devastating situation. His plans were perfect. I couldn't deny that. Therefore, it was... much harder to accept how futile my attempts were.
"Fabian is the strongest and the person I trusted the most, who will do my order no matter what." His voice was deep, holding my wrist down. "I wouldn't give him the task of getting you out of the palace if I didn't know how deep is your love for me. I know you will come back for me. That my wife would rather die fighting alongside me than save her own skin. That's why I entrusted Fabian to get you to the border by means or foul."
Sam sported a bitter smile, cupping my cheek as he lowered his head to my eye level. "There is not a single moment I blamed you — it didn't even cross me. The pain you went through is not the product of your stubbornness; it's the product of my selfishness, resulting in a devastating outcome."
A hiccup escaped my closed-lipped as my fist trembled. Sam pulled me into his embrace, caressing my back gently.
"It's all my fault. I had no excuse and I don't plan on making one up," He whispered, voice shaking. "I'm sorry, Love. I fucked up."
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