Chapter 35 - Sam
In the middle of the night, I woke up. I fell asleep on the table, on top of the book I was reading.
Slowly, I pushed myself to sit up. As I did, a quilt over my shoulders cascaded down, which I caught before it landed on the floor.
I furrowed my brows. I'm certain I just fell asleep while reading. How am I…
Subconsciously, I raised my head. My gaze instantly caught the figure sitting across me.
Samael was staring outside the window. His jaw was resting on his knuckles, seemingly in deep thoughts as he hasn't noticed me.
I pursed my lips. Our previous conversation surged inside my head, which made me clasp my hands on my lap.
This was another side of him I haven't seen until now. He was just staring outside the window, his expression solemn.
I wonder what he was thinking? To have such expression…
To be honest, Samael may be sitting across me. But, he felt so distant; so far, he was beyond my reach.
Am I even reaching out, though?
"I learned something tonight."
I jolted upon hearing him speak, breaking the still silence between us. He knew I woke up?
Yet, his eyes were still on the window. Samael appeared as if nothing could distract him. Who knew he was still aware of his surroundings?
"Did you, My Lord?" I cleared my throat.
"Mhm. You drive me crazy." Nonchalant, as ever, Samael uttered.
I furrowed my brows, frowning. What did I do this time? I just fell asleep while reading.
"No, that's not right. It's my desire to have more than I should drive me crazy. I'm never patient; I want to pin you down, explore you, shower you with affection to prove myself." He paused, letting out a sigh as he slowly shifted his eyes on me.
"But I don't want you to hate me. It's frustrating."
Samael added. He shook his head before leaning down, resting his chin on his arms on the table. I could see his repressed desire flickering across his crimson eyes.
Here he was again, saying unnecessary words that were too confusing for me to comprehend. I pursed my lips, mimicking his stance.
With my arms on the table's surface, I rested my chin on them. My eyes still on him.
"I don't think my life is worthy, nor you should take my feelings into consideration. Don't say such things that can be more hurtful than death, Sam."
Before I realized it, my thoughts slipped past my lips. My eyes instantly widened, pushing myself up abruptly as I covered my lips.
As if he noticed I didn't intend to speak aloud, Samael chuckled.
"Haha. You call me Sam in your head?"
He's not mad? I scrutinized his relaxed front and slowly lowered my hands.
"Not all the time. Just now, My Lord."
I answered honestly. I never called him Sam in my head. But, perhaps, because I have been thinking a lot lately, I unconsciously shortened his name.
"No one had ever called me Sam."
"I'm — I'm sor—"
"I like it. Sam." Before I could apologize, Samael abruptly interrupted me and smiled.
Huh?
"My name… I like how it sounds when you say it." He blinked his eyes ever so slowly as the corner of his lips stretched subtly.
Seeing him cast me a gentle look with his sharp yet delicate features made me clasp my hand even tighter. Stop… looking at me like that.
"You're just across me," He muttered, raising his head as he reached his hand over the table.
"Yet, it feels like the more I try, the more I chase after you, the faster you run away. Now, you think its more painful than death."
Samael added bitterly. Staring at his hands that didn't reach me. He extended his arm. Yet, there's still this safe gap between us.
What was he doing?
His fingers curled as I glanced at the bitter smile on his lips.
"You will never reach out and meet me halfway now, will you?" Slowly, he retrieved his hand and rested his head on his arm again.
After that, Samael didn't speak again. It was just silence; a deafening one.
I furrowed my brows, tilting my head to check if he fell asleep. When I narrowed my eyes, his eyes were closed.
He fell asleep? But, it's night?
I cleared my throat aloud to disturb the silence. But he wasn't moving.
"My lord?" I called out softly, but nothing.
After taking a deep breath, I stood and carefully tiptoed my way to him. Leaning down, I immediately drew away. The scent of redolent alcohol was too violent for my nose.
Was he drunk all this time?
I pursed my lips. No wonder he was acting odd; it must be the alcohol.
Again, I let out a heavy exhale and trudged back to my seat. I picked up the quilt and walked back to him.
Why would he drink so much? I wondered, as I carefully placed the quilt over his shoulders.
"I'm not a monster, Lil." He murmured, still fast asleep.
My heart instantly clenched hearing his muffled words. My hands that were holding the quilt halted.
"I…" My breath suddenly hitched.
Our brief conversation… it made me realize he was not beyond my reach. It was me who was beyond his reach.
From day one, he already extended his hand, waiting for me to take it. However, even if I believed I took his hand, I merely placed my hand over it.
I haven't fully held on to him. He was holding me, but I wasn't. Perhaps, because of my fear, I was unconsciously looking at him as a monster who would take my life away.
"No, you're not." I murmured, biting my lips. "It's just… right now, your human has a heavy heart filled with confusion. I just need time, Sam."
For the first time, I could safely say I expressed what my heart genuinely felt. And it felt as if it lifted the heavy load of burden out of my chest.
No matter how I denied it, deep down, I already knew he was a good man. I'm just using lame excuses to save myself and my heart. Maybe, just maybe, when I had enough courage, I would meet him halfway.
"Goodnight, Sam."