Chapter 349 - Dear, Heliot.
Five days had passed by in a blur. As expected, the chaos that transpired gave me a headache and more work until it was resolved and everyone had calmed down. Not that I was complaining about the added work, as slaving away to kill time was just what I needed. Still, one week felt rather long.
"Ughh..." I pinched the bridge of my nose, leaning back, eyes closed.
"You're strangely welcoming with all this," Yul commented on the side. Even without seeing his face, I knew he was staring at me with doubt in his eyes.
"I'm killing time, Yul," came out a lazy voice as I opened my eyes. "This won't finish itself, would they?"
"Even so, after that incident, it's strange."
"Why is it strange?"
Yul pursed his lips, looking at me with conflict. "You're like... just like how you started."
"How I started, huh?" A shallow breath escaped my mouth, resting my back comfortably against the chair.
"Can you tell me what happened?" he inquired, propping his side against the desk while I gazed up at him. "Don't you trust me anymore? I feel you've been more secretive."
"Secretive?"
"About Prince Heliot, about your constant disappearance, and now this. Will it hurt if you tell me what are you truly planning?" Pain flickered across his eyes, staring at me straight in the eye. "Do you really have to keep me in the dark, sis? If you keep doing this, how am I supposed to protect you?"
"I don't need..."
"I know." I trailed off as he spoke once again. "You don't need protection, I know that. But what do you expect from me if my sister came back here full of bruises and hickeys after getting abducted? I understand you will use everything at your disposal, but did you really think I will just watch you ruin yourself?"
Yul paused deliberately as he let out a low chuckle. "I tried to understand you, Lilou. But, have you ever tried to understand me too?"
I wanted to tell him to be patient, but my tongue kept rolling back. Not that I didn't understand Yul, or I didn't trust him. What I was afraid of was that he was too smart and he would surely figure out what was my deal with Heliot if I gave him the slightest hint.
"How can I talk about it to my brother?" I turned my head away. "You've already exposed yourself to danger by becoming the duchess's favorite 'plaything'."
"You think I care about that?"
"You don't, but I do." I set my eyes back to him.
"Now?" Yul chuckled, pushing himself away from the desk as he staggered back. "You care about that now? Do you think I will buy such a half-baked lie? You better say you just don't trust me any more than lying to me."
"No, it's not like..."
"I hope you have a good day, Your Grace."
"Yul." I sighed, but Yul didn't listen as he departed my office. As soon as the door shut closed, I pounded the bottom of my fist against the surface of the desk. I didn't intend to lie to him, and I knew it was stupid.
However, how could I tell him I had planned to die all along? And now, someone just popped out of nowhere like a mushroom, claiming he was Sam? That he was alive all along? And that all my plans were getting tangled up because of it?
Yul wouldn't let me die or watch me cling onto false hope. He loved me and he cared for me… a little bit too much.
"I'm a piece of work." I closed my eyes, rubbing my palms against my face. "Damn it!"
******
Because of Yul, I couldn't focus on these damn documents. So, I decided to retire and visit Heliot. He would leave the duchy in two days' time, so I had to make sure he wasn't suspicious or anything of the sort. The chaos made me so busy that I didn't get to see him for the past couple of days and he didn't bother me. His quietness still bothered me even more, though.
"Your Highness," I called softly, treading carefully towards the parasol in the garden. "Can I join you?"
Heliot just looked at me and nodded. So, I smiled, closed-lipped, and perched on the intricate chair across from him.
"I thought I wouldn't be able to see you until my departure." Heliot leaned back, stiff and straightforward as usual. I chuckled at his remarks along with a sigh, which he noticed.
"Terrible day?" he asked, raising both his brows to show interest.
"You can say that." I shrugged, reaching for the decanter to pour myself a drink. "Wine before nightfall and in the garden at that."
"It helps."
"It's not blood, right?" I glanced at him briefly and he chuckled.
"It's not. I respect the art of wine and its difference in the taste of blood."
"That sounds like you." I heaved a sigh of relief, picking up the glass of wine, and raised it to him. Heliot raised his glass a little before guiding it to our lips for a drink.
"So, why have wine? Why do you need its help?" I winced slightly as I felt the heat of the wine travel down through my throat, enveloping me with its warmth.
Heliot smacked his lips, looking away as he stared at the flowers around. "More like I need its company."
"Are you sad?" I blurted out and bit my tongue upon realization.
"Sad... how strange."
My brow arched, studying his side profile, and could not help but wonder what he was thinking. Honestly, now that I thought about it, I never got to dwell on what was Heliot was thinking because he would rather say it.
"Sadness, happiness, fear, anger, disgust, compassion... they all sound unfamiliar to me, Your Grace," Heliot uttered without taking his eyes off of the flowers. "Back in our Karo Kingdom, these emotions aren't a necessity. If one did a good deed, then he shall be rewarded, and if he had done wrong, he will be punished accordingly. I'm saying it is all about how a person decides which path to take. What comes right after is just the result."
"You're saying if someone did an evil deed, he shouldn't feel fear of the punishments that will ensue?" I inquired for clarification, and he nodded. "And if someone receives a reward for doing a good deed, he shouldn't feel that happy since it is to be expected?"
Heliot slowly retracted his eyes away from where he was looking at and set them to me. "Yes."
"How boring." I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I shook my head, sipping an ample amount of wine.
"I call it peace and organized."
"It's boring." I clicked my tongue, twirling the wine while staring at it. "To be in a place where good deeds were rewarded but not acknowledged, for being punished without being heard or a chance to reflect or regret, to feel that whatever you do it's not enough to feel like celebrating or crying about — that's sad."
"And why is it sad? You've never been to Karo."
My eyes raised at him, chuckling upon seeing the genuine wonder in his eyes. "I don't need to be there to feel sad. You're here, are you not?" his brows furrowed upon my remarks.
I leaned in, cupping my jaw while staring at him. "Heliot, do you know why I like thunderstorms?"
"No, I do not."
"Because it reminds me that even nature had to scream sometimes." I smiled while he just furrowed his brows, pondering over my words. "Heliot, I wish that there will be a day when you smile for no reason, feel sad for an unknown reason, get angry in someone else stead, and feel fear with just a mere thought of losing something important. I hope there will be a day you feel alive."
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