Chapter 103 - Grow Some Muscles
The bed chamber fell into nothing but silence. Only the crisp sound of wood burning into ash from the fireplace resonated in the air.
I only told Sam what I recalled. My time meeting with Lara, about Lakresha, and about giving her blessing. Some of our conversation faded. Maybe because I was in shock.
Still, I could remember someone portraying as Sam. Although I couldn't remember most parts, what I remembered was Sam's impostor, drinking my blood until I collapsed.
(A/N: READ AUTHOR'S NOTE IF THIS HAD CONFUSED YOU.)
After telling Sam about Lara, I raised my gaze to him. Sam had calmed down. I did as well.
But I couldn't deny this fury continuously building up inside me. It was as if I missed something important. Something like the actual cause of this anger within me.
As I studied him, my eyes softened as my anger subsided. I've never seen him stay so silent this long.
Lara had loved him; I could tell because I've seen her. However, she said it was unrequited.
But the way I see it… I didn't want to know. I liked Lara, I really do. Yet, I'm not interested to hear the entire story about the two of them.
I didn't even have the gall to ask Sam what he thought about Lara. I wanted to respect Sam's history.
Still… it affected me. I'm not a saint.
Sam and Lara, if I painted them together, they were like matched made in heaven.
They were both extremely good-looking. She's kind and reserved. Sam was an… unostentatious gentleman. Both in the same kind; both nobilities, strong, and capable.
Was it silly of me to even think that a lady like Lara was easy to love? She had a likable character.
It's just impossible if Sam didn't feel the same way. If she didn't die, they would be a great couple.
Why do I even felt like it was my fault? That, as if I've coveted someone else's position?
A sigh slipped past my lips as I look down. My hands on my lap, clutching the quilt.
I nearly died in my sleep. I let someone drink my blood just because I failed to discern if he was real or not.
Yet, here I am, concerning myself about unnecessary things.
Was it, though?
Were my emotions really unnecessary? What a hypocrite, Lilou.
I had to focus on something more important. Like how to satiate this anger continuously building up within me, consuming me slowly.
'Lakresha, huh? Am I going to become a second mother to Lara's child?' I wondered, recalling Lara's words before we parted ways.
How could she give her son to me like it was a toy? Another sigh slipped past my lips as I gazed at Sam.
Even though I finished telling him everything, he's been silent. I guess that's the effect Lara had on him…
Erase! Stop thinking about it, Lilou! Important things! Important…
For the nth time, a sigh escaped my lips. Wasn't Sam important, though? He's the most important to me.
But… how could I get jealous of someone who was so kind? Someone who was also dead?
I haven't matured, huh? Just one situation, and it rattled me to the core. I felt like sulking. I'm very disappointed with my progress.
I couldn't protect myself. I couldn't distinguish if the people around me are real. I couldn't even truly accept Sam's affairs in the past. And instead of being thankful, I'm getting jealous about the person who was trying to help us.
And even now, I'm self-pitying. It's embarrassing.
"Damn… the missing parts will be the death of me."
Suddenly, I heard Sam hissed. I raised my head and saw him ruffling his hair in frustration.
"Huh?"
Sam shot me a look. I nearly jolted back, seeing his pair of desperate eyes. He leaned forward, resting his arms over his spread legs.
"Try to recall more, Lilove. I've been trying to fill in the blanks of your broken memory." He urged, nodding encouragingly.
He's been… what?
"You were thinking about the missing parts of my memory?" I muttered in a questioning tone. Sam nodded, arching his brow.
"Why else would I concentrate if not for that reason?"
"About Lara…"
"Tch. That evil woman." Sam clicked his tongue in annoyance. "I could imagine her laughing evilly when you accepted her Lakresha."
He shivered, his face scrunched up as if he could recall a terrible memory. I should be happy, right?
That Sam didn't seem to see Lara romantically. However, I'm not happy... not even the slightest.
And that's just made me a more terrible woman.
I felt so ashamed of myself.
"Love?" Sam called out as soon as I hung my head low.
Soon, I felt Sam perched on the side of the bed. His hand holding my hand and I stared at it.
"Lilove, look at me." Sam guided my chin up so he could look at me in the eye.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's my fault for leaving you in a place you didn't know yet. I was complacent knowing no one would dare touch you here."
His eyes flickered with bitterness, regret, and angst. I could see how he was desperately bottling his rage. But because of me, he's stopping himself from taking immediate retaliation.
I should apologize to him for doubting him. Apologize for thinking he was silent because of Lara. Apologize for getting jealous easily, for waning, for being weak, and for everything.
However, that's just… even more pathetic of me. I shouldn't keep apologizing if I would do it again.
I know, I would say these "I'm sorry," again for the same reason. Until Sam and I would get used to it.
Words of apology mean nothing if I know it would happen again. Whether or not I wanted to. I didn't want to lose those word's value.
Slowly, I shook my head sideways.
"It's not your fault, Sam. I wouldn't end up like that if only I can tell the difference."
"Lilove." He sighed. "You don —"
Before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off.
"That's why, I want to get stronger, Sam." With eyes full of resolve, I stated. "Even just a little. I want to learn how to defend myself."
I can't be this pathetic forever. Words of apology weren't genuine apology without actions.
Hence, to show my sincerity to Lara, to Sam, I would own up to it by becoming strong. Instead of self-pitying, I had to gain confidence that I'm worthy of this love.
This jealousy, this insecurity… even if Sam loved me dearly, it would never go away. Not because his love was not enough, but because the problem was me.
Lara was an exceptional woman. And she's my love rival even if she's dead. However, as a respect to my love rival and to my friend, I should also have some redeemable traits.
I can't continue being just a mere human. I can't continue like this. If I do, not only I would burden him, I'd send him to his death.
"What did you…?"
"I want to grow some muscle, beat the hell out of your brothers, and have the confidence polishing a sword in front of you when I get jealous." I explained firmly.
"I can't continue being just mere human." I paused, biting my inner lip. "Because I'm your human. Let's not go to the capital... just yet."
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