Chapter 176: 176
176 – Prologue Volume 4, “You Are Unnecessary . ”
— “You are unnecessary . ”
These words are etched into her heart .
The lass still remembers that whenever she made a mistake or failed, her father would use this sentence instead of reprimanding her . Apart from this, he would not beat or scold her, or much less say anything else to her . It always appeared like she didn’t exist, like she wasn’t alive in her father’s eyes .
This may be a form of punishment .
I must not be unnecessary — the lass firmly believed this once .
Until the thousandth time — perhaps the thousandth time, since she’s not sure about the exact number . On the thousandth time when she heard her father say that she’s unnecessary, she finally realized that she was wrong, that she was only deceiving herself all this time .
Unnecessary — I am unnecessary .
Subconsciously, this thought took root deep in the lass’s heart and stubbornly grew into a deformed flower . She tried to deny it, tried to escape, but everything was in vain .
Because the facts are before her eyes .
When the lass was born, there were complications for some reason . Although the doctor tried his best, but her mother died of dystocia in the end . Additionally, because her twin younger brother was born last, his body has been frail ever since he was little . His legs are very weak, which is why he has to pass his days in a special wheelchair .
Does father think that I harmed mother and younger brother? The lass often entertained this suspicion . But she didn’t have the courage to ask, since she was afraid that the answer she’ll get is the one she least wishes to hear .
However, in the end, she still couldn’t escape that sentence .
“– if it wasn’t for you...”
If it wasn’t not for her, her mother wouldn’t have died and her younger brother would be happy .
Yeah, she is at fault .
— if only she didn’t exist .
Although she is alive, but she isn’t needed .
There is no meaning, no value in her living, she is redundant .
“You’re unnecessary, you’re useless . ”
I’m sorry — every time she apologized, a scar was etched in her heart .
“Why was it you? Why?”
I’m sorry —
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...
Her heart gradually died as she apologized .
However, no matter how humbly she admitted her mistake, her father never forgave her, and only treated her like air . He would only add another scar to her heart whenever she made a mistake or failed . The scars in her heart gradually increased, until there were too many to count .
I should just die, I shouldn’t be alive to begin with .
Not so long ago, this thought once occupied the lass’s heart .
She tried to commit suicide . But in the end, she didn’t succeed in taking her own life . Her grandfather stopped her .
“Do you want to give up that hard-earned life of yours? This is cowardly behavior . We don’t need cowards in our family . Have you forgotten about your mother, who has sacrificed herself to give birth to you?”
At that time, the lass heard a word .
Sacrifice .
Sacrifice yourself for another .
She understood it thusly .
Therefore, she must work hard to become someone useful, to become someone needed . Only then will she get her own “meaning” .
Since that day, she worked tirelessly to learn various bodies of knowledge — the four arts [1], arithmetic, martial arts, and even the art of war . As long as she thinks that it’ll be of help to her father, she will learn any body of knowledge, no matter the cost .
Gradually, the situation has changed .
“– why do you work so hard? How can you work hard? How can you succeed?”
Every time she learns something new, she will timidly tell it to her father . Her father will always reprimand, hit, or even abuse her .
However, instead of thinking that she is being maltreated, she feels very happy .
— because her father finally no longer ignores her .
The lass knows, she knows that there must be something wrong with her . She must be sick, must be twisted .
But the pain gives her a sense — a sense of existing in the world .
Her father’s scolding and abuse let her feel her existence .
I am not unneeded, I am not unnecessary . At least she can let her father vent .
She was very happy and wanted more . Therefore, she must work harder, work harder to become someone useful, someone needed . As long as this is the case, then her dead mother and ill younger brother may forgive her, forgive her for stealing their happiness .
“– would you like to come with me?”
She still remembers the encounter with the girl in red when her father beat her in public .
The girl asked the lass to go with her .
Why should I go with you? Why are you looking at me with pitying eyes? The lass was puzzled .
Father still needs me!
The lass didn’t agree to go with the girl .
However, when the girl squatted down and asked the lass, “Do you want to help as many people as possible?”, she answered without the slightest hesitation, “I do . ”
“Then just come with me . ”
The lass did not hesitate to agree to go with the girl . Her father didn’t object, didn’t urge her to stay .
Why doesn’t he want me to stay? Ah, it must be that he doesn’t need me... then I must go help more people and get their approval .
Um, it does not matter how much she has to sacrifice . As long as the other party needs her, she will rush to the other party’s side at all cost and do her best to help .
— “I need you . ”
Only when she hears this sentence, can she feel the meaning of life .
No matter the sacrifice, she only lives for others, is happy for others’ happiness, grieves for others’ grief .
She didn’t realize that she has already lost herself in the middle of the dark night and is wandering alone . She just keeps walking on the road that she thinks is right, running in the opposite direction of dawn .
Until —
[1] – four arts
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