EIGHTY-NINE: Hero Types
89
Aldens remaining days with Boe were much too brief, and they threw into stark relief one inconvenient fact about his new life.
I cant get approval to go back home for Christmas or New Year, he told his friend on Wednesday night, slamming the door to his bedroom and stalking into the kitchen. All the requests I put in this morning were denied. I got the notices while I was in the shower.
Well Boe glanced up from his perusal of the enormous stack of coupons Alden had received when he first entered intake. We thought it would be that way.
I cant go back next Christmas either. Alden yanked open the fridge and glared at an innocent bottle of green tea. The U.S. approves Avowed for visits up to eighteen months in advance, and the slots for major holidays for anyone C-rank and above fill the day theyre opened. I have eleven days off between school quarters then. You know what else I cant do with that time?
Get approval to have guests here on Anesidora? Boe suggested.
Thats right! Because Anesidora allows us to schedule visitors two years in advance. And the special occasion slots here fill up the second theyre opened, too. So maybe, if Im lucky enough to not be on a summons on sign-up day this year, I can have a holiday with my family or friends, when Im in college.
February is probably good, right? Or March.
Alden grabbed a container of acorn squash soup. Yes. Its manageable. Weekends get booked up fast. I guess I just have to skip school if I actually want to use the fourteen days of family time the U.S. allows me each year. But the local hero team in Chicago will also ask my school how Im doing before they grant my approval, to make sure Im a good boy who wont hurt regular humans while Im under their jurisdiction. So I cant just skip class. I have to get permission from the school, then get permission from the country I was born in, then get permission from the hero team in charge of monitoring me and sign a paper saying I understand they will arrest meif I so much as magically sneeze or step outside the city limits.
If it makes you feel better, Im sure the process is really streamlined. It sounds like a lot, but its probably computers putting checkmarks beside your name all along the way.
Theyre treating me like Ive done something bad. But I havent. And that fact makes me want to do something bad.
Alden shoved a spoon into the soup without bothering to heat it.
Boe raised his eyebrows. What kind of a villain phase will it be then?
Something heinous, Alden muttered, shoveling soup into his mouth.
How heinous?
Ill
The silence stretched between them. Boe started to snicker.
Shut up. Im thinking of things.
You literally cant think of anything bad to do!
I can! Im trying to think of something bad that involves my powers, though. My skill requires people to entrust me with things. So my evil has to have an accomplice.
Boe rested his elbows on the counter and steepled his fingers. I will be your minion. Youre welcome.
Alden pointed the spoon at him. I cant have a minion who outranks me. Everyone will think youre the one in charge.
Since you cant even think of crimes to do on your own
Ill throw Haunting Spheres into movie theaters and make them yell.
Petrifying.
Alden sighed. I actually can think of a few terrible things, but theyre a little too terrible for me to joke about them. I wanted to be funny with some middle ground crime. Something between pranking moviegoers and decapitating cyclists with fishing line.
The evil oozes from you. Boe pushed aside the stack of coupons. Seriously though. Im sorry. It sucks they make you jump through so many hoops to visit.
Do you know theres pushback here on Anesidora about allowing more guests, too? Its purely an insular locals thing. They dont like tourists even though practically the only tourists here are the family members of first generation Avowed. Its not even close to a majority opinion, but still
Wish you were unregistered, too? Boe asked.
Alden winced. Sometimes, he admitted. But Id have other stresses then. I mostly wish you werent going back home.
It was different with Boe. Alden didnt want to dump his baggage on Connie or Jeremy. He didnt want to with Boe either, buthe could. Or he had been able to. They were putting a moratorium on sharing Earth-shattering secrets at Boes insistence, until Alden could figure out how to magically bind them with his own version of the Triangle of Absolute Secrecy.
On Aldens end of things, there wasnt much left to tell anyway. He couldnt talk about Bearer, and the cat was already out of the bag on his budding wizardry.
He wasnt going to give anyone details about the knights. He didnt know what combination of politics, personal reasons, and culture made them want to keep exactly what they were private. But they did. And he understood it himself on a gut level.
Boe knew Stuart was the son of that really important Primary guy Alden had met at the party. Which was all Alden had known himself a few months ago. It was fine.
The only thing he really had left that he wanted to share was the existence of his fake profile and his actual levelbut the Contract lying about your powers to the Artonans was just about the most earth-shattering news he could think of. Even bigger than him being able to cast spells now.
It could wait until he figured out contract magic.
Someone pressed the buzzer on the apartment and shouted, Trick-or-treat! through the panel.
Boe looked at door. Are you supposed to be passing out candy tonight?
A lot of people are. I didnt even decorate my door, so that persons hoping for a bit much. Dont worry. Its locked, and theyre used to me skipping out on social events.
Boes fingers went back to their steepled position. In that case, lets talk about that disturbing text you sent me in the middle of the day.
What disturbing text?
A quote: I think I really ought to do something more serious about Manon and the boater. What do you think about me confronting her directly?
Oh. Thats no big deal.
Alden justhadnt been able to put it out of his mind since he saw Karl.
I was in Engaging with the Unexpected. We were talking about what goodnessis again.
And your answer today is vigilantism? Boe asked in a flat voice. Because I seem to remember you saying that an actual Sway superhero told you there was no legal way to handle the problem.
Of course not. Ive Shes a cult leader who lightly mind controls her friends and uses them like breakable dolls. And I know about it. So I have to do something for them. My original idea of sending them messages wasnt really enough either, was it? And it probably wouldnt even work. I dont want to cause a huge mess, but I should do more than that. I could tell Manon herself I know what shes doing. I could
Do you actually want to save the boater? Or are you feeling an urge to fuck with Manon because she indirectly fucked with you and got people killed? Or is it something far dumber than either of those things?
I told you Im over my dark desire to see Manon punished. I want to help the boater people
Alden, he said tiredly.
Alden shrugged and took another bite of his soup. Theirdynamic with Manon is strange. I dont know which of them really needs an out and which of them might be a willing participant in whatever it is shes doing. But she magically nudged a woman into busting up her leg and then kept her from getting help for it until it was so swollen she couldnt walk on it properly. So at least one member of the collective couldnt possibly be on board.
And? said Boe.
Andits awful that Ive been here for two months without even trying to help. Its shitty.
Boe pressed his face to the counter and clutched his hands together behind his head.
Whats with the drama? Alden thought with annoyance.
I am not a therapist, Boe said in a muffled voice. But at the risk of seriously pissing you off, I am going to tell you something about yourself that Im sure you dont want to hear.
If youre going to say Im lying about the revenge, Im not, said Alden. I
Its not that. And Im notreading you right now. But I have in the past, and I have very recently. So I know what Im about to say is true. And I think even though hearing it said aloud is going to make you unhappy, in the long run, it might keep you from getting stuck on moons.
Well, Im all for that not happening
Alden felt nervous suddenly. Boe could say devastating things when he was angry. He didnt seem very angry right now, but Alden doubted that gaining the ability to read emotions had softened his edges.
Boe looked up at him. Some people are deeply compassionate toward their fellow man, he said. I dont know if its nature, nurture, or habit; but they actually want to help total strangers. They care about every single person who crosses their path. Theyre as close to being pure givers as humans can be. Theyre special. The world would be utopian if everyone was like that.
Alden nodded slowly.
Theres another type of person, Boe continued, not taking his eyes off Aldens face, who runs around doing good, not out of world-hugging compassion, but because being a do-gooder gives them energy. If Im being ungracious, Id say its selfishness and ego stroking, but thats selling them short. Its more like helping out is their identity. For whatever reason, its part of how they see themselves and their place in relation to others. Running to save someone else psychs them up and makes them fulfilled and confident. They feel amazing when they do the right thing. I suppose thats pretty special in its own way.
Alden set aside what was left of his soup. I know what youre going to say.
Lets call those people Hero Type 1 and Hero Type 2. Boe held up two fingers, then he added bluntly, Youre not either type. You really wish you were. You try so fucking hard to fit both of the molds. But you never have been a natural humanitarian or someone who gets high on his own righteousness, and youre not even close to getting there.
Thanks, Alden said sourly. I think Ive made it clear in multiple ways recently that this is something Ive noticedabout myself.
Yes, but for some reason, it bothers you. You think its a personal failing.
Isnt it one?
Boe stood up and slapped the counter. No! You have got to stop being ashamed of not being the merry, self-sacrificing savior figure you have in your head! The things you said about yourself in some of your voicemails. Stop feeling disappointed in yourself for not enjoying running on broken bones in some kind of one-man alien death marathon. Nobody normal fucking would!
I know that!
Then why are you so, so upset about not wanting to do something like that again?! Alden, its not healthy. Why do you feel guilty? Why do you feel guilty? Of all people! You saved someones life. More than one person, Im guessing, if I read between the lines of that dorky berry-picking story. If you lounge around in bed for the next hundred years, youve already done it. You can quit now, and nobody who has more than a single braincell will ever think you havent earned it.
I almost left her.
Who?
Kibby! Alden shouted. Before I knew her. On the first day, when it was all going wrong and everyone was dying. I heard her whistling for help. In the grass. And I knew it was probably one of the little girls trying to get my attention, and I knew something horrible must have happened to her, and I just stood there for a while. Because I didnt want to deal with a problem that hard!
But you did deal with it. You dealt with it for months!
I left her sitting in the car with the corpses of her family while I felt sorry for myself, Alden spat.
Boe took a deep breath. His next words were soft. The standard you hold yourself to scares me. I am so afraid that as soon as youre not completely drained by everything youve been through, the unnecessary shame you feel is going to get you killed for real this time.
Aldens urge to argue left him at that. Im not going to do anything stupid.
You just suggested directly confronting someone you know is a mind controller, so forgive me if I dont believe you!
Alden held his hands out and gave his friend his best, I cant help what you believe, look.
Boe pointed at him. Youve lost my trust. All it took was some self-righteous moron saying the word goodness in a high school class for you to have a guilt festabout not flinging yourself into danger to save the fucking boater people. Theyre a bunch of adults whove gotten into a messy situation on their own, and they were assholes to you on top of it. You dont really care about them!
But I should, Alden argued. And if I cant, I should at least act like I do.
What logic is there in forcing yourself to feel obligated to every single person you run across? I cant believe youre sogah!
Boe threw a fistful of coupons at him.
Alden stepped back in surprise as paper fluttered around him like leaves.
Im going to get this crammed through your thick skull, or Im not leaving the island on Saturday. I will literally turn myself in and stay right here for the rest of my life to watch you and make sure you dont throw yourself away again!
I do understand what you mean, Alden said, alarmed. I didnt intend to freak you out with the text. Theres no reason
No. You dont understand, or you wouldnt be talking about yourself this way! Clearly, I am a bad explainer. Let me try again! Alden, stop wishing you were like Hannah Elber. Please.
Alden plucked a coupon for fifteen percent off parasailing out of his hair. He stared across the counter. Boe looked so serious.
I dont think Ive been wishing that exactly
I never met her, Boe said. But Ive heard you talk about her. You admire her so much, and you describe her like she was a holy workaholic combo of Hero Types 1 & 2. Maybe she was, or maybe that was just how she chose to present herself to you. Either waydamn. Nobody is ever going to hit that mark through any amount of effort. Not even you. You cant make yourself feel warm fuzzies for all mankind. You cant just get stoked about being the person who pulls others out of burning buildings when you were born with the common sense to be afraid of fire.
Hey, you could make me feel those things! Alden said. Problem solved.
He was trying to take the edge off some of the tension in the room, but Boe just blinked at him.
Alden, I wouldnt, he said finally. Even if it was as simple as that and there was no danger involved, I wouldnt. Because I dont actually have much respect for that kind of righteousness. I think its special. I wish there was more of it in the world. But if you ask me to pick which type of person has the most real value, Im going to pick a third Hero Typeone who helps after taking his own safety and sanity into consideration.
Alden did understand what he was trying to get at, but at the same time
Dont you think this Hero Type 3 might not do the right thing at any given moment because hes a little bit too selfish? Isnt that a problem?
Is it okay to walk past one struggling person on your way to save two?
Alden frowned. I hate questions like that.
Yeah. Everyone does. Moral philosophy problems are nasty little riddles, and they never apply well to the complexities of real life. Hero Types 1 & 2 are going to leap headfirst to help whoever happens to be in front of them, and theyre going to feel awesome about it. And everyone can applaud them for it. Its a simple, undeniably good answer. That doesnt mean its the only good answer.
You think I should have a different one.
Speaking as a Scumbag Type, I think you need to stop feeling like shit about not naturally being the particular variety of saint youve been looking up to all this time. Most people arent even Hero Types at all. Theyre Average Types who think theres nothing wrong with stepping over every casualty on the road as long as they didnt directly hurt anyone with their own two hands. You should realize youre already one of the better ones, and make peace with helping others in ways that actually suit your personalitysince you wont listen to my advice and become an elementary school teacher.
Alden smiled suddenly. I meant to tell you. You were right about that.
I fucking know I was!
I thought about it all the time while I was living with Kibby and watching Instructor Gwen-lor teach the little kids. Hiding out as an audial Brute and being a teacher would have made me happy.
Boe tossed up his hands.
I couldnt figure out how you knew. I didnt even know I liked that kind of thing.
How can you notnever mind. That path is off the table. You can be a teacher here on the island one day if they dont mind the Artonans yanking you out of class every other week.
Alden groaned at the reminder. Six months off sounds like a lot sometimes, and others it sounds like nothing.
Its nothing, said Boe severely. Youll blink and be there again. Hopefully scrubbing toilets
Now that you mention it, when I thought they wanted me to be an actual garbage man during my first few minutes at LeafSong, I was pretty cool with it. I hope they do summon me to scrub toilets. Its honest work, and it sounds easy.
Please note that in the space of a few sentences we have found three jobs that the current you is more passionate about than being a superhero.
Alien toilet scrubber, garbage man, school teacher, said Alden. Noted. But assuming I do still want that one daywhats Hero Type 3s ideal if he is by his very nature less than an ideal?
Boe narrowed his eyes. First of all, what are you hoping it will be?
Oh my god, youare a therapist.
I will punch you with my superior strength. This is a one-time thing brought on by your terrible treatment of yourself. You owe me all of your Natalie food in exchange for my efforts.
Alden went to sit down in the chair beside him. Can I be so super strong that problems feel smaller, and I never have to get in over my head again?
Super strong is why you say youre going to Celena North, so I think thats a fair start. You think youll keep leveling fast?
Im trying not to look at it too hard right now, and you dont want a lot of info
Secrecy is our friend. Learn contract magic.
Im going to. To answer your question, yes. I expect to level quickly.
He was relieved he didnt sound as worried about that as he actually was.
So Hero Type 3 gets to be strong and competent, said Boe. And he has a sense of self-preservation, which is not some dirty habit. Its what makes him ponder situations to decide if theyre worth his effort and whatever amount of suffering theyre going to cause him. He should let himself walk away sometimes. And he should not feel guilty when he does it, because guilt just makes him suck ass at self-analysis. And then he panics trying to fix himself when nothing was ever wrong with him to begin with.
Istill dont want to be the person who walks away from the whistle.
Alden, you didnt walk away from that. Even when you were weaker than you are right now, you took care of it. Theres no reason for you to think you wouldnt take care of something equally important in an equally difficult situation again.
Alden fiddled with the parasailing coupon. Okay. But if turning your back on some people who need help is an option for youlike, if its on your personal list of things that you can forgive yourself forhow do you ever make it right in your head?
Boe huffed. There are millions of people who need help right now, who we could help if we seriously tried, but you and I are totally ignoring them. Look at us, sitting here with plenty of food in the fridge and more blood than we need pumping through our veins. How are you making that right in your head?
Oh, Im old enough to donate blood now.
Your bloods probably radioactive and full of alien germs. Nobody wants it, so maybe that was a bad example.
Im serious, though, Alden said. If you decide to live in shades of moral gray, theres no way to know if youre being pragmatic or just giving yourself a pass to chicken out in any given situation.
Boe didnt answer. After hed been staring off into space for a minute, Alden asked, Are you getting a call or something?
No, Boe replied in a distant voice. Hey, how many lives have you saved in your life? We dont have to say it was during berry picking. We can pretend it was during some other unrelated event. But how many was it, really?
Ten, thought Alden.But saving Kibby had been the same as saving himself, so he couldnt count her.
Nine.
Fucker. I was hoping you were going to say three. Maximum. Fine. Okay. Nine. Youre one away from double digits. Thats cool of you.
Where are you going with?
Ive just thought of a way to help you see yourself better. So that you can make shit right in your head no matter how morally gray the situation is.
Boe was grinning now, and he sounded pleased with himself in that particular way that meant he thought hed just done something very clever.
Alden felt a sense of foreboding.
I cant believe it took me this long to come up with it! It should have been out of my mouth the minute you walked into the apartment.
Boe, youre acting a little
From now on, whenever you go more than a step or two out of your way to help someone you dont personallyknow and care for, you have to call me and tell me about it, he announced.
What? No, I dont! Alden glared at him. Thats patronizing, and dumb as shi
Oh, its not to ask me for permission or anything like that! That would be patronizing. You are totally free to save every person on Anesidora and their pets if you want. You just have to tell me youre doing it. Because from now until the day you really-for-real die, Im going to match you.
Match me?
When I get home, Boe continued, Im going to save nine peoples lives. And to be fair about it, Im going to try to do it with an equivalent amount of risk. You said the berry picking wasnt supposed to be incredibly dangerous, but you did know it wasnt safe. So I cant take total softballs. Ill have to find nine people in situations that will be mildly hazardous for me to resolve.
Boe, thats not funny, Alden breathed.
You have no idea how good Im going to be at this. Can you even imagine how much human suffering happens around us on a daily basis? Sometimes, in big crowds, if I lose my shield, I can identify people who are suicidally depressed. Or violently angry. Or scared of the angry person theyre with.
Thats
Im embarrassed to tell you that. Because usually I ignore them. See, with my power, theres always a next person in trouble. And a next person. And another. At school once, I felt someone getting the crap beat out of them just outside the building, and in the bathroom across the hall, in the same class period, a person was feeling these spikes of self-hatred and pain that made me think they were hurting themselves. And our teacher was flirting with a girl in a way that was making her incredibly uncomfortable. All of it. All at once. Any time I want.
You cant just
How many of them do you think I helped? Boe asked.
Aldens pulse was racing. He felt the beginnings of panic.
The answer is two. I distracted the teacher by asking for permission to go to the bathroom. I didnt bother with the fight. I could have broken it up easily, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Getting punched in the face is a bizarre risk for me, since I take it like an Avowed instead of a normal guy and people might notice. Thats the kind of thing Ill do until I get my nine, though. Just a little danger. Probably nothing will go wrong, and Ill be helping people. Thats what you thought you were getting yourself into, right?
Aldens ears were ringing. Almost like the tinnitus was back. His knuckles were white against the counter.
Calm down, Boe said, suddenly eyeing him with alarm.
I cant.
Try to control your breathing, said Boe. Theres that thing you used to do with
I cant, he gasped. Give me a second. Fuck. Dont read me. You asshole.
Boe went quiet.
This is so humiliating. Actual fucking panic because of a conversation.What the hell, Alden?
He wished Boe could leave. He wished he could without having to walk through halls full of people having fun in their Halloween costumes. He clung to the counter, feeling like his chest was going to burst and the room was spinning around him.
Boe did go hide out in one of the spare rooms to give him some privacy.
Twenty minutes later, when he heard Alden running the kitchen sink to get a glass of water, he re-emerged.
Im sorry, he said. Are you all right?
Awesome, Alden croaked. Im waymore temperamental than Ive been in years. Its so much fun.
I wasnt reading you, Boe said. You can tell because I didnt realize I was upsetting you that much until it was too late.
I know you werent.
I was a little too thrilled with my idea.
Your idea is fucking shit.
Oh no, Boe said mildly. My idea is perfection. But I didnt mean to dig in with it quite like that.
Youre still going to fight gangs as an unregistered superhuman until you save nine people!?
Why cant I? Boe asked. His voice was steady. I went a little overboard, and I made it sound like I was going to risk myself to punish you. Which is twisted. I promise it wont be like that. Ill be careful. But I am going to do it. Ill text you before and after. You can watch me through our interfaces if you wantfull disclosure on my lifesaving endeavors. Dont think of it as me doing something dangerous to hurt you, spite you, or mock you. Its really not that. Think of it as me helping people with you. Like were partners in heroics. Long distance style.
Alden stared at him. I dont want you to.
Because you value me? Good. You should value yourself at least as much. And Im always wondering where the line is that will take me from Scumbag Type to Hero Type. I know youre all the way on the other side of it. So this is actually the perfect thing for both of us.
Yourecrazy.
This is the best Ive felt about myself in years, to be honest. Im completely clear-headed. Be as noble as you choose to be, Alden. Save babies. Save boaters. Save murderers if you want. But every time you stick your own neck out to save a strangers, pretend Im there with you. Pretend were getting into it together and were facing the exact same amount of struggle and the exact same consequences for failure.
I would be too paralyzed to leave the fucking apartment.
Why?
What do you mean why?!
Do you think Im a coward? Boe asked. Im not trying to paralyze you. I dont want you to wrap yourself up in a blanket and hide from danger. I wantto involve myself in this part of your life. All this time, Ive thought I wasnt good enough for it, but I think if we do it this way, maybe I am.
This is my Hero Type. I chose it for myself just now. I watch you. I do my best to keep up. Dont hold yourself back only to keep me safe. Thats lame. Im an A-rank. Im smart. Im actually very competent even if my powers arent ones I want to use much. So dont worry about challenging me. I expect you to. Just dont throw us away on something you dont really care about. Got it?
Alden didnt know what to say.
Got it?
Iget your point at least.
My point is that the next time you die it had better be for something the size of the planet. Because otherwise Im going to resent you a little bit when I try to make us match up.
*
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