Cosette stayed inside the car, beating herself up to remember the occurrence of two days ago, but nothing. Her mind was blank and her tears had already dried up.
Gazing down on her lap where the small calendar was, she picked it up. Her hand was trembling as she checked her schedule for the rest of the month. Cosette had to write her schedule in case she had to remember certain days; not every time it was helpful, though.
"Right…" came out a murmur while staring at the date today. "I have an appointment."
Cosette had been attending regular checkups, knowing her health was slowly declining. Since she wasn't going through intense medication, she still had to go to the hospital at her discretion to know her well-being. However, every visit always comes with advice that wasn't in her favor.
She knew today's check-up would be the same.
Cosette shook her head mildly to get herself together. She even slapped herself as if that would wake her up from a nightmare. Holding the steering wheel with both her hands, her eyes shone with determination to go on with her life.
With that being said, Cosette mustered her courage to drive away to attend her appointment.
*
*
*
"Missus Blac." Cosette's doctor, the man who had been handling Cosette's medical needs, sighed deeply. His eyes showed concern while staring at the beautiful woman across the desk. "Have you told anyone in your family about your condition?"
Cosette pursed her lips into a thin line, clutching her purse that was on her lap. Her silence was enough of an answer for the doctor.
She hadn't listened to his advice.
"I will be honest with you, Missus Blac. Your tests today were not any better than the previous one. They're… worse." the doctor let out another deep exhale, showing Cosette the test results she had taken today before pulling out her MRI scan. "If you can see this part, it is shrinking faster than we expected…"
The doctor went about briefing Cosette on her worsening condition, which he had been doing for months ago. It was like they were on repeat. The only difference was that her results were worsening and his concern was growing significantly.
"The medicines I prescribed you were there to maintain your daily life. But at this rate, I don't think they will do much as they did before," he continued, putting down the test results. He rested his arm on the surface of the desk between him and his patient. "We cannot withhold this information from your family, especially when you need emergency medical attention. Can I ask how did you get in here?"
Cosette didn't respond as she kept her eyes on the papers on the desk. The doctor let out another deep exhale, already knowing the answer she hadn't given away.
"Missus Blac, I told you. Driving in this condition is not safe." His voice had a mix of worry and disappointment. "You are not only putting your life in danger but others as well. Right now, you should be admitted to the hospital for treatment. The only reason you haven't is that you refused to receive proper treatment..."
The doctor went on and on with his sermon while Cosette remained silent. It was not like this was the first he had done this, but she was stubborn. He felt like wasting his breath, but he had to because, at the end of the day, he was a doctor. He had a duty.
"Missus Blac." After his long sermon, another deep exhale slipped past his lips. "I know this condition changed your life, but —"
"If I allow myself to get admitted to this hospital, will I get better?" After minutes of silence, Cosette spoke for the first time, cutting him off mid-sentence. She slowly raised her eyes to meet her doctor's eyes. "If I follow all your advice, will you give me your word that I will recover and continue the life I should have?"
Her question and the look in her eyes silenced the doctor.
"That's what I thought." She rocked her head mildly.
"But Missus Blac —"
"Treatments will only prolong my life; while you extend my life, I'm only giving my family more pain and suffering." Cosette cut him mid-sentence again. "I cannot let them watch me as I slowly decline because I will forget about the pain, but they… wouldn't. Every time I will forget who they are, it is an added wound to their hearts — every scream and grumble, each time I would fall because I couldn't keep my balance is another added weight to their shoulders."
Cosette took a deliberate pause while shaking her head mildly. "I know you are speaking from a doctor's perspective, Doctor Matthew. I respect and appreciate that you care for your patient's well-being, but I… cannot bear the burden of being the source of their misery. They… all of them were just as stubborn as I am. I know they will want me to be with them as long as possible, no matter how hard it is, but I can't do that. I want them to remember me as the woman they knew, and not the days I lived within the four corners of these white walls."
"As much as possible, let us live the remainder of my days like how it used to be. I don't have much time left, after all." The corner of her lips curled up slightly; there was no bitterness in her eyes and voice. It was just sincerity, a wish from a dying person.
Doctor Matthew's lips parted, but in the end, he shut his mouth. He gazed at her for a moment before another sigh slipped past his nostrils.
"I am a doctor and I want to save as many lives as possible. But there were times all I could do for my patients was respect their wishes." He forced a smile, nodding in understanding. "If that is what you want, then I can't do anything. All I have to say is that if you want to live the remainder of your days like how they used to be, then you have to make a little sacrifice. For instance, you need to quit your job and stop driving."
In the end, Doctor Matthew could only tell Cosette what she needed to stop doing because she could have an episode at any time without notice. He even prescribed her some medicines and, just like that, Cosette's doctor's appointment came to an end.
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