Volume 4, Chapter 44 [Forbidden]
――His body was formed anew.
His devoured flesh, his peeled skin, his gnawed bones, his chewed nerves, his slurped up blood, and his soul, trampled and ravaged with the utmost gluttonous relish―― returned to their original shapes.
A sensation came from his fingertips, and with this as the starting point, his whole body began to jolt and convulse.
Kicking up dust, writhing on the cold, hard ground, he groaned as white foam flowed from the corner of his mouth.
There was no pain. Nor sense of loss. His four limbs were still attached to his torso, and no physical damage had been incurred by his head and body. Yet his thoughts were vague as though he had just woken from sleep, and instead of clearing in a matter of seconds, Subaru’s body and mind continued to reject the homecoming of reality.
Such was the horror of the events preceding his Return.
Could anyone say that they’ve experienced being invaded through the mouth and having their intestines shredded and devoured from inside? Or ever had the feeling of having their skins peeled off like it were a competition, exposing their dark red flesh and allowing their pink fat to be licked away by unruly tongues?
His brain refused to feel that pain, and as though it was happening to someone else’s body and not his own, he objectively recognized the truth that he was being “Eaten”, like in a waking nightmare.
[Subaru: Bgh, bgh, bgh……]
A nauseating sensation rushed up, and only yellow bile was retched from his dried-up stomach. The foam blowing from his mouth mixed with the acidic liquid, as Subaru continued to convulse, collapsed on his side.
Like a person having a seizure, or a fish flopping on land, the rejection of reality was not by Subaru’s own volition, but by the choice of his very soul.
For who would gladly assent to their own existence being devoured and eaten? And who could blame Subaru for interpreting the reality of his being devoured in such a way?
What had he done to deserve it, whose will was behind it, and was there no alternative to that wretched end?
[Subaru: ――――]
His consciousness flashed and flickered.
Were his eyes open or shut? No control over his body returned to him.
His very soul refused to live in reality. Far from allowing him to choose awareness, his soul did not even present him with the choice.
Only, overwhelmed by the “Loss of its own existence”, Subaru’s body continued to drown in that sense of despair.
――Why.
If there was a single definite word within Subaru’s mind, it would be that one.
――Why.
What the hell happened? What was that? Why did that happen? Why did that have to happen? What was happening to him now? Was there something that must happen to him now? What was he supposed to do now?
――Why, why, why, why, why.
Presented with no answers, while even the question itself was uncertain, there was only the shrieking of his soul.
――Why! Why! Why!
He continued to throw out the question which was without an answer, an unsightly figure who doesn’t know when to give up.
Drowning in reality, tormented by a nightmare, one who had lost sight of the path of life, a figure asking “Why”.
And, it was then――
{You have once again acquired the qualifications}
A voice whispered in the ears of the shivering Subaru.
High, and exalted. A voice which, even if the present Subaru heard it, he could not decipher its meaning. Nonetheless, the terrible voice echoed into Subaru’s interior――
{You are invited――to the Witch’s tea party}
In the next instant, Subaru’s only-just-returned consciousness once again lost all reality.
A refreshing wind reminiscent of summer blew across the small hill of lush, green grass.
The cool breeze caressed Subaru’s bangs, swaying the tall, green grass behind him, then, passing the hill and through the plains, it made its way towards the distant blue sky where white clouds were dancing.
Lightly touching his fingertips to his bangs that were being tickled by the invisible wind, Subaru squinted his eyes at the dazzling sunlight before slowly lowering his gaze to look directly in front of him.
Without knowing how or when, he found himself seated in a swaying armchair. And across a small white table, sitting with her legs crossed in the same type of chair, with an impression of pure white hair and pure white skin that was only overturned by her funerary dress, was a girl―― or not, for that might not have been the appropriate word.
[Subaru: After all, it’s a Witch-sama who’s been idling here for more than four hundred years……]
[Echidona: Well, that’s an awful thing to say to a girl. In my case, I died when I was nineteen, you know. Shouldn’t I look like a pretty young girl who’s quite a perfect match for you?]
[Subaru: That “Died when I was nineteen” part was pretty heavy-sobering… Also, please don’t use that kind of weird statement to try to get close to me. A perfect match for me… that’s gonna send snot flying out my nose, you know]
[Echidona: Aya, my, my…… have I just been dumped?]
[Subaru: Not at all. I’m just telling you not to say stuff that’ll make your value plummet, you know. I’m quite aware of what a lowlife bottomfeeder-scum I am. Calling yourself a perfect match for me is only gonna drag you down instead of pulling me up. I mean I… haven’t done anything to make me deserve anything like that]
His fists resting on his knees opened and clenched as Subaru spilled these words, looking up to the sky with a bitter expression.
Hearing this, the Witch―― Echidona rested her elbows on the white table and her cheeks in her hands, inspecting Subaru up and down with her gaze.
[Echidona: You sure seem to have a low opinion of yourself]
[Subaru: When you’re surrounded by epic characters all the time, it’s only natural you’d get into the habit of turning up your head every time you talk. Even though I thought I was supposed to have gotten over that inferiority complex already…]
Looking back on everything he had done up to this point, Subaru tightly clenched his fists.
The force of his grip sent his knuckles clicking as he took a single, deep breath,
[Subaru: So…… what made you send me this tea party invite?]
[Echidona: It’s nothing complicated. I am the “Witch of Greed”, the Incarnation of the Thirst for Knowledge. The thirst, and the desiring heart are pleasures to me, and to have something to yearn to know, to moan and sigh asking “Why” is indeed the greatest of all pleasures]
Saying this, Echidona brought her teacup to her lips.
With the sound of its contents passing down her throat, she lightly smiled,
[Echidona: If I must give a reason, I hope you can understand that it is because you yourself expressed the wish to enter my Citadel, in a location closely connected to this place]
[Subaru: Don’t give me that convoluted…… well, anyway, we can leave why you invited me here for now. More importantly, there’s something I want to ask]
Dismissing Echidona’s words by waving his hand, Subaru leaned forward. Locking his gaze onto her beautiful, white features,
[Subaru: What.. happened to me?]
[Echidona: Isn’t that something you should know yourself?]
[Subaru: Knowing and comprehending are different things. I can kind of objectively understand the situation I was in, but that understanding doesn’t fit my current situation at all]
[Echidona: How so?]
[Subaru: My head was going insane, and I was drowning on land in my own foam, but here, I’m presentable and my head is at least functioning well enough to carry on a conversation. So it’s pretty natural that I’d figure you had something to do with this]
Although he was carrying on the exchange somewhat mockingly, Subaru’s mind was in overdrive trying to come to some understanding of his present situation.
At the very least, being invited to this so-called tea party inside Echidona’s dream world had granted his heart a room to breathe.
Having been given the space to calm his thoughts and search his mind, Subaru remembered the dire circumstances his body was facing in the real world before entering this dream. He did feel a certain sense of unease about leaving behind a body that was going through a state of shock to come here with his spirit, but,
[Subaru: Last time I attended your tea party, I woke up in bed with no idea how I got there, so I don’t know how the passage of time works in this place. I mean, in the actual world outside……]
Thinking to this point, it suddenly occurred to him that this was no time to be relaxing and sipping tea.
――Since he was overtaken by convulsions in his state of shock, Subaru still had no idea what point in time he had returned to.
Much less was he able to confirm the location where he lay writhing and foaming at the mouth.
Burning with regret at this late reaction, Subaru stood up, toppling the chair he was sitting in,
[Subaru: Echidona! Let me out of here now!]
[Echidona: I am appalled, to think you’d leave a Witch’s tea party without drinking a single sip of tea. You really should stop to consider just what kind of an existence is sitting before you――]
[Subaru: I don’t have time to chat with you! Let me out now! While we’re dawdling here like this, outside……]
[Echidona: You have already failed before by taking nothing away, do you still wish to go empty-handed? ……Could it be that you actually want to relive that same loss and pain?]
Unable to hold back his anxiety, Subaru raised his voice at Echidona’s unhurried remarks. But, as if plunging that impatience into an icy bath, Echidona asked this in a voice that froze all emotions.
[Subaru: ……a]
[Echidona: To go on challenging in order to obtain the results is something worthy of my praises. Whether it is the result you most desired, or the one you least desired, I find there is a certain beauty in the process of trial and error on the road to that result. The fact that you continue to challenge without losing heart is most admirable, I feel. However,]
Raising a finger in front of the silenced Subaru, Echidona went on, narrowing her eyes,
[Echidona: If you do not heed the results of your previous attempts, and instead choose to follow the exact same paths to the exact same ends…… your actions are a desecration to the accumulation of knowledge, and for one who would commit such acts, I hold nothing but contempt, and could not wait to be rid of you]
[Subaru: You……]
[Echidona: Incidentally, to answer your question…… the current time outside is immediately after you passed the first Trial of the Tomb. Fortunately, the flow of time here is different from the outside world. I am sure you won’t lose too much time just by having a cup of tea with me]
What Subaru wanted to know, along with his every concern, Echidona checked off one by one.
If what she said could be believed, the time outside would be directly after the first Trial―― that is to say, the restart point of Return by Death hadn’t changed.
And, left out of the tea party, his physical body would be in the room inside the Tomb, abandoned at Emilia’s side as she continued to battle her Trial.
Although he couldn’t just swallow everything Echidona said, at least, having this fact confirmed by a third party injected relief into Subaru’s anxious veins.
With the leeway granted by his calming heart, at last, the question arose――
[Subaru: Echidona…… how much do you know?]
[Echidona: If you ask me how much I know, I only know as much as I know. But as for how much I want to know, I want to know everything in this world]
[Subaru: Stop joking around, this is important. For instance……yes, you just said this is immediately after the first Trial…]
The first Trial―― that phrase felt so distant now.
After saying farewell to his parents in the dream world, Subaru met Echidona in an empty school. And following a brief exchange of question and answers, Subaru returned to reality.
And after that, on the way up to this temporary calm, too much had happened to be put into mere words――
[Subaru: I mean, aside from that, this reunion would be right after we parted……]
[Echidona: Indeed. Certainly, in objective time, this would be true, and even in uncertain, subjective time, it has not been long since you and I parted. It must have only been a couple of minutes before we saw each other again]
“Just how much are you yearning for me?” Echidona seemed to suggest with her smile. But, seeing the joke wash off of an expressionless Subaru, she gave a disappointed shrug.
[Echidona: It seems you just never give me the reactions I want. Not getting what I expected is both some parts frustrating and some parts delightful, quite a complicated feeling, really]
[Subaru: I’ll be sure to arrange a nice leisurely date with that complicated girl’s heart of yours when I have the time. But for now……]
[Echidona: Oh, I was so eager to celebrate our early reunion that I seem to have let my mouth run. Well, I guess there’s no helping it that I’d feel a little flustered. After all―]
Here, Echidona paused.
In the void created by the catching of a breath, within that moment, her dark, black pupils cast Subaru an alluring glance. What was that glimpse of emotion flashing through her eyes in that instant? Even now, Subaru could not be certain.
Only, as if welcoming Subaru’s confusion, Echidona returned a lovely, enchanting smile,
[Echidona: Unlike me, who parted with you only minutes ago, to you, it must have seemed like hours, or rather days, since we last met―― isn’t that so?]
Repeating Echidona’s words in his head, Subaru chewed over the contents that could have only one interpretation.
From what she just said, and her meaningful gaze and smile, there was no way he could be mistaken.
She――the Witch knew. The burden weighing on Subaru’s soul, the residues of his failed futures, the piece of knowledge that should be left nowhere in this world.
[Subaru: How……!?]
[Echidona: Let me answer your question this way. This is my Citadel, and I am the Witch of Greed. I haven’t shown it to you yet, have I?]
To Subaru’s wrenched-out question, Echidona tilted her head and held out her right hand.
Dancing lights descended onto her palm, eventually taking form―― until there appeared a single book bound in pure white.
There was no title inscribed on its cover, and it was about the size of a dictionary. Aside from the fact that its color was blinding white, for Subaru, the sight of the book brought back nothing but reviled memories.
[Subaru: That couldn’t be……a Gospel, could it?]
[Echidona: Oh my, you just made an expression I could understand without even having to look inside this book. It’s as if your face is trying to say “You too!?” Just from that, I think I could already guess what you must’ve encountered in the outside world……]
Having read into Subaru’s inner heart from just the look on his face, Echidona opened the white-bound book in her hand. And, running her eyes over its contents, [Mmhmmhm], she nodded time and again as she followed along its texts,
[Echidona: I see, I think I more or less understand. Although there are still parts I don’t entirely follow, I should be able to fill them in just by looking at you. ……Mnn, it’s wonderful indeed. The feeling of missing pieces falling into place, the indescribable anticipation as the answer draws near. The fact that such feeling exists is precisely what makes life worth living……!]
[Subaru: ……but, aren’t you already dead?]
Being pushed into the back of his seat by the pressure of Echidona’s incensed fervor, Subaru somehow managed to get a jab in. Hearing this, Echidona fiddled with her white hair, sulking,
[Echidona: When you rain on people’s parades like that, even when it’s true, it’s still really demoralizing, you know. Anyway, then let me ease your worries. ……This book is not the same as the “Gospels” in your memories. Recorded in this book is neither the future nor the optimal solutions. Only truth]
[Subaru: Truth……?]
[Echidona: If the Gospel could be called a book of prophecies, then this book in my hands would be a book of histories. This book is not bound by its shape, and its manifestation is as vague and as vast as the oceans. It is not any book, and yet it could be any book that was, or indeed any book that could be…… its blank pages record only truth, and four hundred years ago, people of this world called it “The Book of Wisdom”. But, I like to call it…]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Echidona: ――The Memories of the World]
An outlandish name―― for an equally outlandish power.
If what she said was true, then no matter who the person was, no matter what that person had done, as long as it belonged in the past and in history, it could be read from this book. In terms of gathering information, this would be nothing less than a game-breaking cheat.
[Echidona: But to tell you the truth, I don’t really like to rely on it. After all, only things witnessed with my own eyes can be truly burned into my memories. A magical book that skips the step of “Acquiring” and directly leads to “Acquired”―― as much as I love to learn, it is difficult for me to judge the value of a book that bypasses the process of discovery]
[Subaru: If you don’t want it you could give it to me. I’ll have plenty of uses for it. In fact, if I had that, finding the openings to my problems would be……]
[Echidona: You should abandon that idea if you don’t want to be a cripple]
Echidona cut off Subaru’s smooth proposition straight off the bat, and held out the white-bound “Memories of the World” in front of him,
[Echidona: It may look harmless, but it’s still the instrument of a Witch. The volume of information that it’d burn into the reader’s mind would be enough to completely incinerate the brain of a common man. It’d be best not to read it if you wish to stay safe]
[Subaru: Then don’t shove it in people’s faces! That’s super scary!]
Learning that his breakthrough plan was out of his reach, Subaru’s spirits nosedived.
Seeing him shove the magical book right back, Echidona, with another wave of her hand, transformed it back into particles of light. Leaving aside the convenience of a book that could be stored away without a bookshelf, Subaru finally grasped the true extent of her knowledge.
By possessing this magical book, there was indeed almost “Nothing she does not know”. But to avoid using it just because of personal preference, perhaps only a Witch would think this way.
[Subaru: But if you already know, then that should make things easier. Say, Echidona. You know that I can…… Return b……]
“Return by Death.” Just as he was about to pronounce those words, Subaru’s throat froze.
But it was not due to the same non-negotiable penalty that visited every time he tried to utter the forbidden words.
In front of the frozen Subaru, Echidona was merely waiting for his next words, her white hair swaying in the wind, silently waiting.
Sitting there, she looked nothing like a Witch. There was something almost resembling warmth and sympathy, and the more he felt this way, the faster his heart pounded and the heavier his tongue became.
What froze Subaru’s voice, was the most primal of emotions―― fear.
[Subaru: Haa……haa……]
Subaru already had several opportunities to utter the forbidden words in the past.
To utter the name of the Authority, “Return by Death”, residing in his body.
While it would be difficult to say whether it’d be correct to call it an “Authority”, whenever he tried to tell anyone else, a force prevented him from doing so. A direct pain would grip his heart leaving no room for resistance, a force unbearable and merciless.
And there was once when its venomous fangs did not fall on Subaru, but on Emilia, to whom he had tried to lay bare his heart. The grief and pain of loss of that moment, Subaru could never forget.
There were very few occasions when Subaru so sincerely desired to die, and to simply disappear.
It was not the only time that the bitter, indescribable regret of his own stupidity had weighed so heavily upon him. But in spite of misery and regret―― his heart, gripped by terror, still lacked the courage to take even a single step.
It was not that he was afraid of the pain that would be dealt to his heart. Of course, pain was frightening, but if it was the necessary price on the path to the desired future, then he would grit his teeth and endure it.
However, what Subaru feared was that if he uttered the forbidden words, the dark fingers would turn on someone other than himself.
No. Subaru shook his head.
In the battle against the White Whale, and in the final showdowns with Petelgeuse, Subaru had managed to utter the forbidden words when no one else was present.
Otherwise, he would always be forcibly stopped before he could reveal the secret to others, and his words would simply be discarded from the world in which time stood still. Because of that, he was never questioned further.
And the black hand of the Witch never made a sacrifice of anyone who wished to hear the continuation of those words.
――Except Emilia.
[Subaru: ――――]
The memories returned, of the silver-haired girl lying lightly in his arms.
If he were to taste that sense of loss again, this time, it would surely be unbearable.
It was a good thing he didn’t go insane back then, he thought. After killing Emilia, wandering aimlessly, holding her lifeless corpse in his arms, it was a good thing he didn’t go insane back then.
So unforgivable was his sin. And so terrible his crime.
And so, gripped by fear, Subaru hesitated to say the words.
Before him was the Witch Echidona. Frankly, she was no comparison to Emilia, so shallow was her acquaintance to Subaru.
Even if her heart was crushed, he probably wouldn’t feel the same loss and despair of that moment. That, was his hideous prediction.
But still, Subaru couldn’t move. Because while he was entertaining that naive train of thought, he realized that the conditions were far too different, and the results far too unpredictable.
When mentioning “Return by Death” to an unknowing listener, the forbidden words dealt pain to Subaru’s heart.
And when Subaru mentioned “Return by Death” to someone precious to him, the forbidden words crushed that precious person’s heart.
But what would happen if Subaru were to reveal “Return by Death” to someone who had already found out through some other means?
Would the suffering end with Subaru, or would the demonic hand extend to the one in front of him――
[Echidona: Why don’t you try it and see?]
[Subaru: ――――!?]
[Echidona: Taking action to procure the results one desires, is deserving of my respect. I am not going to veer from that opinion. In fact, I believe it is precisely such actions that make life worth living]
Was she unaware of the cause of Subaru’s indecision, or was it because she didn’t know that she herself could become the target―― no, that would be impossible.
Most likely, the Witch had already seen through all of Subaru’s doubts.
Even though he himself could not reach a conclusion, the Witch understood. Yet, in spite of this, she urged him to go on for no other reason than a conviction from the depths of her heart.
[Subaru: You might not have time to regret it, you know……?]
[Echidona: Then, let me wait with eager expectations for you to break down crying beside my corpse]
Seeing Subaru trying to delay the choice to the last minute, Echidona cheerfully answered.
That attitude was probably to remove any remaining concerns hindering him from making his decision.
Rather than doing so out of consideration for Subaru, it was probably her desire to see the outcome――that was the basis of the sincerity of her words.
Without expectations, and without hoping for one or the other.
There was merely possibility. And for only the desire of the possibility of an answer, she pushed on Subaru’s back.
She must be living without the slightest doubt of the reason of her existence.
Even though he knew there was no way to live on that alone, he nonetheless felt saved by that strength.
[Subaru: Echidona. I can use Return by Death t――]
The forbidden words escaped his lips――
And, in that instant, the world――
-=Chapter 44 End=-
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