Volume 4, Chapter 18 [Parent And Child]
――He felt his head clearing up.
The chorus of agony up to now that had been ripping him apart subsided, and now, there was only one thing on Subaru’s mind――the resolve to face his father in front of him.
[Subaru: I do. Have someone I like]
Once more, he repeated his answer to that question.
Putting it to his lips again, Subaru felt his heart beginning to walk forward.
In front of his eyes, hearing that confession, Kenichi blinked several times before noticing how abrupt that statement sounded,
[Dad: …….Is that so]
Speaking in a quiet voice, he listened to Subaru’s words.
That attitude was like a salvation. There were people who were willing to listen, Subaru must have already known this, yet he had only ever kept it to himself.
Now, he intended to bring an end to it.
――Because there is someone behind me, pushing me on.
[Subaru: That’s right. I am not the child who only curls up in a room anymore]
He didn’t know exactly how much he had changed.
The no longer a child part might be stretching it a bit, for he was still aware of how childish he was.
The courage to hold his head high, the resolve to face his weakness, the determination to no longer run from unpleasant situations, it seemed he hadn’t acquired any of it, after all.
He was simply someone worse than a child, finally admitting that he was a child.
And even that, he couldn’t have realized by himself.
The silver visage that appeared within his mind, sent a sweetness into Subaru’s heart.
It was a radiance that brought warmth to the stagnating Subaru, who had long been frozen in place.
Silver――was supposed to be a color of coldness, but to Subaru now, it was a source of endless warmth and the strength to march forward. As though mesmerized by this heat,
[Subaru: What was I so afraid of, that I had to curl up like a ball, I remember all of it now. ――No, I already knew long ago. I knew, but I pretended not to see it……The weakness that I thought only I would notice, while I pretended not to see them, there were those who……]
Who nothing could have gotten past. He knew who they were.
[Subaru: Mom, and dad, I wished you would’ve beaten me]
[Dad: ――――]
[Subaru: I was such a hopeless, little, useless idiot, self-conceited piece of trash, I wished you two would just beat me……and give up on me]
Silently staring at Subaru, Kenichi’s eyes did not move.
Subaru saw his own reflection inside those pupils that were the same color as his own. The sharp corners of his own eyes that were often mistaken for a sign of displeasure, for some reason, were now feeble, and drooping.
――How pathetic, he thought.
[Subaru: When I was little I was clever, and I could find a perfect solution to anything. Running too, and same with studying……the things my friends around me couldn’t do, I could figure out almost immediately, and I was even mystified by why everyone else had so much trouble]
Perhaps it was childish conceit, or one could call it an adorable sense of omnipotence.
When Subaru was little, his athletics and learning were all ahead of other children his age. He could run faster than those around him, he was smarter than those the same age as him, and as if it were only natural, he was at the center of everything――
{He’s that guy’s child, after all}
Everyone gave Subaru this appraisal, adults and neighbors alike often kept it on their tongues.
He knew, by “that guy”, they meant his father, and the fact that he was his father’s son was recognized by people all around. ――And the young Subaru took pride in those words.
Dad――Subaru’s father, Natsuki Kenichi, in his son’s eyes he was a person full of charisma and allure.
He laughed well, talked well, cried well, angered well, exercised well, worked well.
His father could announce his love for Subaru and his mother in public without feeling the slightest embarrassment, everywhere his father was surrounded by people who admired him, and he always saw his father standing in the center of a crowd of smiling faces.
To Subaru, such a father was more than anything he could have hoped for, to have such a father who cherished his family, Subaru and his mother, above all the world, instilled him with a sense of superiority to the point of exuberant pride.
――I want to become like father. I want to become like father.
For the young Subaru, the expanse of his father’s back was the expanse of the world itself, and the world was only something to be seen from on top of his father’s back.
And so every day, Subaru spent in happiness, and in search of happiness.
But,
[Subaru: When did it start I wonder…… I don’t remember, but one day I lost a race, I think. Soon, I was no longer the first at everything. There were now guys who could run faster than me, guys who can solve problems faster than I can. Little by little, my first-places grew fewer and fewer, and it felt strange, I thought]
Once it had started it only grew worse, and the shining stars within Subaru’s heart gradually left him.
Even if he stretched out his hand, running here and there under the sky, the stars that once shined all around him were nowhere to be found. There was only the silence of the coming, enshrouding darkness.
And in that elusive, uncertain anxiety,
{He’s that guy’s child, after all}
Those words became Subaru’s salvation, the last hope he could hold onto.
Even if he was not the fastest or the smartest, those words continued holding up the young Subaru’s confidence.
Rather than training to run faster, or devoting all his efforts to his schoolwork, he decided first and foremost to do stupid things.
Sneaking into school at night with his friends, drawing over the white lines all over town, chasing away notoriously dangerous stray dogs from their hangout spots――all so people would not grow tired of him, so he could protect the last of his dwindling stars.
[Subaru: “Studying hard is stupid. Being able to run fast is nothing to be proud of. The things I was doing were making people happy, and that’s far more, far better than what anyone else could do”]
In order to sustain this mistaken Pride, he had no choice but to keep going.
He will take the lead to do what others are afraid to do, challenge what others loathe to challenge, this way, he would make sure he did not lose his carefully protected place in the world.
[Subaru: But, if I were to protect myself this way, the next time I’d have no choice but to do something even bigger. It can’t be less than what I had done before. They’d think I was someone small if I did, and I couldn’t let that happen]
So Subaru’s actions could only become more and more extreme.
If anyone asked why he would do such things, “he’s Natsuki Subaru” would be the answer.
――Yes, it could only be Natsuki Subaru.
Natsuki Subaru was braver than anyone else, wilder than anyone else, freer than anyone else, so he must continue to be the existence that everyone else longed to be.
Straining himself, stretching himself thin, he tried to hide his nervousness, so that not even he himself would have noticed it, he continued fooling himself and those around him that he could do much, much more.
Because he was Natsuki Kenichi’s son, Natsuki Subaru.
[Subaru: I thought I could do anything. I made myself believe that I would do anything. And without ever bothering to think beforehand, everything I did, and every consequence of what I did became a stupid mess……]
Like a moth circling toward a flame, he singlemindedly pursued the heat without even noticing if he had caught fire.
If he really was a moth, becoming enchanted by a flame would have been the end of him.
But Subaru was not a moth, nor were the friends who surrounded him. They were only human, even more so than Subaru.
――It appeared nothing in particular had set it off.
Attracted by the mischief Subaru proclaimed, similarly scary-faced kids came gathering around him.
And like teeth breaking off of a comb, the number of companions around him began to drop.
[Subaru: A bunch of idiots, I thought. You won’t find this kind of fun anywhere except sticking by my side. Those guys will regret it, but they’re free to waste their boring time elsewhere. My sights are on something higher]
If he continued searching like this for the whereabouts of those stars, at least he won’t lose sight of the star above his head.
Of the sea of stars that once should have painted all the sky, now, only one lone, sparkling star remained to Subaru, and so he walked on and on without letting it out of his sight――until suddenly, when he turned his eyes from the star-lit sky back to the ground,
[Subaru: There was already no one else around me]
Of course this happened.
Without minding his surroundings, continually chasing after stars that no one else could see.
His companions, who at first found it amusing, seeing the ever escalating wildness with no landing point in sight, could no longer follow him.
Paying no mind to this, only mocking at those who left as idiots, even those who remained grew uneasy and doubtful.
One, and then another, his friends disappeared from his side, until he noticed he was all alone under the starlit sky.
Feeling angry, sulking, wanting to forget, he gazed up at the sky――
[Subaru: Even the radiant star that should have been above me is nowhere to be found anymore]
When he lost sight of the light of that star, deserted by the friends around him, left alone in the dark of night, Subaru finally noticed it.
――I was never anyone special.
{He’s that guy’s child, after all}
They were the magical words which the young Subaru once embraced with pride, and once would have injected Subaru’s heart full of vitality.
Since when, he did not know, they had turned into a curse.
[Subaru: Just going outside, wandering around town, it’ll be obvious. No matter where I go, where I look, I’d find lingering traces dad left behind……it’s only natural, I guess]
Subaru’s small and narrow world was precisely the same as the view from on top of his father’s back.
To Subaru, who aspired to reach the same heights as his father, no matter where he is, no matter where he looked in that narrow world, there was not a single place where he could not sense his father’s lingering scents.
Gradually, for Subaru, the world turned into a terrifying place.
At the same time, eating away at Subaru’s heart, was the painful self-awareness that he was only ordinary, and the sense of shame that made him want to hide that ordinariness from his parents and anyone who knew them.
Loved by everyone, relied upon by everyone, smiled at by everyone.
Yet that same Natsuki Kenichi’s son, Natsuki Subaru, was shriveling up squeamishly under everyone’s gazes, a sickly coward hugging his own head frightened by the vastness of the world, he could not bear to be thought of this way.
His own shortcomings must be nothing less than a humiliation for his father who proclaimed to love him, and perhaps, at some point, even that towering father would grow disappointed in him. That, above all, was what terrified Subaru the most.
In elementary and in middle school, Subaru single-mindedly made an effort to avoid drawing any attention to himself.
The classmates who had known him since the lower grades couldn’t wrap their heads around how docile Subaru had become――the children, at their impressionable age, failed to notice even a fragment of the darkness residing in their classmate’s heart, and as they each went about their lively days, they soon forgot about such trivial things.
Meanwhile, as he spent this time burying himself in anonymity, as he worked to cast off the shadows of his past, at home, Subaru skillfully continued to play the part of the unruly child.
At school almost as meek as a weed in the shade, as soon as he was home he would return to the wildness of his youth like he was a completely different person.
Coming home from school, with various accounts of his feats of heroism, he would soften the corners of his mother’s lips in midst of her housework, and put a smile on his father’s face when he returned exhausted from his work.
――All of these, had his parent noticed that they were lies? Even now, Subaru couldn’t be certain.
This way, throughout elementary and middle school, he spent the greater part of his life on painting and fortifying these lies, and constructing the fictional character of Natsuki Subaru.
Everyone had forgotten the various mischiefs of Subaru’s past, and knew him merely as an inconspicuous classmate whom they barely knew anything about beyond his name.
On top of the tinge of loneliness that accompanied this barren relationship with his peers, covering over Subaru heart was an even more intimate sense of dread. For to bear the surname, Natsuki, was to be constantly in awe of a certain force.
[Subaru: Now that I think about it, it really was a dark way to live. But doing this, I passed through elementary and middle school. Then putting that behind me, I became a high school student…..even though it’s a local school, probably because of the adjusted standard deviation score, almost none of my classmates got into the same one…..]
Having gotten into the habit of thinking only of retreating, with the sudden, drastic change of environment Subaru seized at his opportunity to move forward, and assembled together every fragment of courage that still remained in him.
Wrenching out the last bit of that courage, Subaru clenched his teeth and held up his head.
Advancing into the brand new environment of high school. Building unknown relationships with unfamiliar faces.
There, even if they judged him as Natsuki Subaru, no one would see him as “Natsuki Kenichi’s son”. In fact, in that place――he might even see the light of that starry sky he had lost, once more.
But the way he used that courage, decisively threw Subaru stumbling off that path.
[Subaru: Even I have to admit, that was one magnificent failure of a high school debut. But of course it was. You have a guy who hadn’t built any interpersonal relationships all throughout elementary and middle school, thrown into a place full of faces he doesn’t know, breathing roughly through his nose unable to shake off his tension……even an idiot could see how that’d turn out]
Unable to see something even an idiot could see, thinking about it now, Subaru realized he must have been even worse than an idiot.
Without going into too much detail, the result was already easy to imagine.
In terms of building interpersonal relationships, Subaru had no other role model except his father, so when the time came to build new relationships in an entirely new environment, his only frame of reference was his father.
――But the kind of jokes that might get him a smile or two while they were still children, when used on classmates in the middle of the psychological changes of the latter stages of puberty, became nothing short of toxic.
[Subaru: Poisonously toxic. Deadly toxic. I was like the kind of poisonous mushrooms with the little red and white dots on it, the ones that have “Highly toxic, you’ll die horribly if you eat it” written all over it kind of guy]
How is a guy like that supposed to fit in anywhere.
Setting out into a brand new environment, Subaru lost his footing on the very first step and fell straight to the bottom of the pit. Then, spending his time alone, becoming firmly established as that awkward, socially dense guy who can’t read the mood, he suddenly thought one morning,
――Ah, I don’t want to go to school today.
[Subaru: I remember that morning both mom and dad were out of the house. It felt like too much of a bother to get out of bed, so I slept way past the time when I should have gotten up…..and when I finally rushed myself out of bed, panicking, it was already noon, but when I was about get up and change]
Subaru noticed his heart, and his body, were awfully calm.
At school, while sitting alone in a seat by the window, pretending to be asleep, silently letting the time drift by, Subaru’s heart had always been tormented by anxiety and fear.
Not wanting to be in this place, from the moment he set foot in school he would start thinking about going back home. No, even from the moment he woke up, he would start spending his time thinking about when he’d finally return from school.
It was not that he was bullied. It was not that he was being shunned.
Only, Subaru himself had constructed a wall. He was afraid of embracing the hope of touching another’s kindness. And the thought of perhaps seeing the light of those stars again, filled him with unease.
If only he could pass a day without having to endure the agony of those hours. That sense of liberation, that sense of relief, drawn by the allure of that sense of powerlessness, little by little, Subaru’s steps drifted further and further away from school.
[Subaru: Skipping once a week became once every three days, then it’s just every other day…..until I stopped going altogether, even two months in a row]
There is no need to talk about the days that came after that.
No longer going to school, Subaru’s heart was filled with a sense of relief. It was a sense of liberation at being far away from the school where he had been forced to spend those agonizing hours, and, above all, now ruling over Subaru’s heart was a kind of acceptance, and surrender.
For no great reason, he had become the conceited, self-satisfied drop-out, Subaru.
Looking at this Subaru, no one would be thinking“He’s that guy’s child, after all”anymore, and above all――how disappointed his parents must be to see such a pathetic Subaru. Surely, then, even mom and dad would give up on “Loving” thatSubaru.
If a son they had no love for was being considered trash, it probably wouldn’t mean anything to them.
But if a son they loved was being labeled as worthless, those two would surely feel angry. And saddened, too. If people saw them like that, they would pity them, even look down on them.
It would be better if Subaru had simply faded out of their lives.
Therefore, Natsuki Subaru――
[Subaru: “I don’t love you.” “I disown you.” “You are not……my son.” I wished, you’d just say that to me, and throw me away. I wished, you’d give up on me]
Half-expecting to see the stars that could no longer exist, faintly hoping, he gazed up at the sky.
The effeminate, pathetic Subaru, the stupid creature that did not deserve to be Natsuki Kenichi’s son, only wished to be set free.
――Even Subaru himself had not realized that this was the true content of his heart.
Facing his heart, exposing its interiors, for the first time, Subaru saw the ugliness of his own heart. The thought of himself, stupid and weak, unwilling to admit his faults and averting his eyes, then trying to push it all onto someone else to clean up his mess, it made him want to vomit.
Yet, in the end, the reason Subaru did not abandon himself, was because he was lent a hand by someone who would not abandon him.
{Rem, loves Subaru-kun}
Overlapping with the silver outlines in the back of his eyelids, was now an ethereal pale-blue radiance.
Like a soothing wind it blew into Subaru’s heart, sending a consoling warmth through Subaru’s frozen limbs.
{Let us start from here. From square one……no, from Zero!}
When Subaru was supposed to have come to an end, the girl, saying this, gave his back a push.
When Subaru could no longer go on, she lifted up his face, took his hand, wrapped her arm around his back, and gave his forehead a kiss, and bestowed him with courage.
Charmed forth by the silver radiance granting him heat, and pushed from behind him by the sky-blue warmth prompting him to walk forward, Natsuki Subaru, whose story was supposed to have come to an end, once again started off from Zero.
Because he realized this, because he remembered this, because he had decided to march forth from Zero――before Zero, he must now resolve the Minus of his past.
As Subaru’s long monologue came to an end, Kenichi, listening, closed his eyes as if lost in thought and fell completely silent. Seeing his father like this, Subaru tried desperately to seal in the weakness and cowardice from leaking from his throat.
Having been granted a chance to reflect, through that small change in his mental state, however little it may have been, he saw the grotesqueness of his own heart.
Whether it was now, or before, Subaru had always pushed the consequences of his actions onto others to clean up.
Because he lacked the courage to give up on himself, and because he wanted to be the tragic hero rather than the villain of his own world, without saying a word, he had silently waited for someone else to volunteer to be the villain.
He thought that if he stopped going to school, if he passed his days in slothfulness inside his room, if he continued on being his foolish self――one day Kenichi will kick down the door, and put an end to Subaru’s world.
Unconsciously, in the deepest depth of his heart, he looked forward to such an ending to his slothful days.
It was while his mind was trapped in this deadlock, that he came to the Parallel World. Then even there, Subaru continued to exhibit his complacency, until――
[Dad: ――Subaru]
Kenichi, who had been deep in thought, opened his eyes, and called to Subaru’s name.
The sound of that call pulled Subaru’s consciousness back from the sea of contemplation and tossed it back into the reality before him――his father’s face, directly in front of his eyes, and,
[Dad: FATHER―HEADBUTT!]
[Subaru: Adaghh!?]
His forehead struck by a terrible impact, Subaru yelped as sparks flew scattering all over. Holding his forehead under the devastating pain, he found Kenichi standing in front of the bench, looking down at him.
[Dad: See, Subaru. That was my love-filled FATHER HEADBUTT, a single-blow of fury]
[Subaru: You called a headbutt and then switched to an axe-kick! You even put your face up close for a masterful feint!!]
[Dad: That trick only worked ‘cause you were seated and I was standing! Eech, my body’s grown stiffer. Nothing like what it used to be. That’s what I get for slacking on my after-shower stretches]
With a weird look on his face, Kenichi started doing some stretching routines. Watching his father while giving the part of his head that took the impact a rub, half crying from the pain, Subaru wasn’t sure what to do with this completely unexpected reaction. Whatever Subaru did expect, at least it wasn’t this,
[Dad: But, Subaru. You know, you……you really are a blockhead]
[Subaru: Uuooghhh]
That unsugarcoated remark cracked him in two, and Subaru couldn’t help but make a gurgling sound with his throat.
Looking down at Subaru, Kenichi crossed his arms with a snort,
[Dad: Going all “nieh-nieh-nieh-nieh” and worried about everything…… Which part of me and mom did you get that kind of self-pity from? You’re totally taking after your mom’s younger brother, you know. The short, fat bald one with that face that looks like he’s always worried about something]
[Subaru: Well that’s just going too far……although yes, that uncle was definitely the reason I made it my life goal not to end up fat and bald when I grow up]
The father and son at least agreed on unreservedly burning that uncle who had absolutely anything to do with this.
While somewhere far away, under the same sky, their unsuspecting relation was given this scathing review, Kenichi continued with an aggravated look [To begin with,]
[Dad: There were all sorts of things that pissed me off, but there was one thing most of all. It just pisses me off that you thought by taking that passive attitude you can get me to stop loving you. With that shut-in-drop-out-apathy-syndrome, you think your own father is just going to go berserk and rip you a new one? ……What are you, stupid? You want me to scold you? Are you a little girl who didn’t get enough physical intimacy when you were little? Wasn’t all that wrestling I do with you every morning enough?]
[Subaru: The way you said that was misleading in a few places but the gist of it was right so I can’t really refute it……]
[Dad: No, if you want me to give up on you, you’ll have to do a lot better than that. Who’s going to give up on a child who’s shutting himself up in a cask? If you want me to hate you, you better go murder half of humanity or something. Then I’ll hate ya]
[Subaru: We don’t even see that kind of villain in Shounen Mangas anymore! Who’s gonna go and do something that absurd!?]
[Dad: ――Well what you said to me was just as absurd wasn’t it]
Hearing him say this out loud, Subaru was at a loss for words.
In front of him, Kenichi bent down his waist and met Subaru’s eyes, [We clear?] he asked,
[Dad: Even if you are slow as a snail, too dumb to remember the multiplication tables, or go bragging on self-harm blogs to get attention……]
[Subaru: I’m not that slow or dumb or stupid……]
[Dad: Even if you are that slow and dumb and stupid, I’m not going to hate you or give up on you. Isn’t that obvious? I am your dad, and you are my son]
With an exasperated sigh at the end of those words, Kenichi straightened up his back. Subaru looked up, at his father standing tall. Bathed in his son’s gaze, Kenichi said,
[Dad: Still, just what kind of superman did you take me for. From what you said, it’s as if I’m some SUPER transcendent-technology PERFECT-flawless-HITECH-superhero, you know]
[Subaru: That’s interpreting it too much]
[Dad: You just don’t know it, but I have all kinds of troubles, regrets, and failures too, I also cry and shout and get rejected……yeah, I’m nothing special at all. At least I got a nice-looking face, though. Not like you]
[Subaru: Overconfidence strike-two]
[Dad: When I was your age I wasn’t all that mature either. Sure I got a little famous, but it was nothing particularly special. I could stop time a little, kinda, but that was it]
[Subaru: Should’ve used that when you got hit by a car last year]
Three-part joke. (*Two mundane statements followed by a punchline. Or could also refer to three jokes told in succession. In Manzai comedy, the “straight-man” objects to the “funnyman”’s statements – TC)
The three straight-man rallies perfectly exchanged, Kenichi held out his palm for a high-five. But, just as their palms came into contact, one hand grabbed the other,
[Dad: Now let me twist the wrist of that dumbass blockhead pain-in-the-ass son of mine to straighten out his character a bit…..]
[Subaru: Ow! OwOW! Wa-wait, my wrist is gonna……Owwwhurts!]
[Dad: ――But I kinda get the feeling that won’t be necessary, you already look pretty beaten-up as it is]
His twisted wrist being released, Subaru stood up giving his hand a shake while whining about the pain. Staring at Subaru with one eye closed, Kenichi made a small snort with his nose,
[Dad: I got that feeling this morning, but just now it’s like something suddenly changed about you again. What’s with that]
[Subaru: I told you, didn’t I. It’s, because I have someone I like]
A silver brightness, was leading Natsuki Subaru by the hand.
[Subaru: And there’s also, someone who told me they loved me, even in spite of what I am]
A warm, sky-blue radiance, was tenderly pushing on Natsuki Subaru’s back.
[Subaru: They, don’t know I am Natsuki Kenichi’s son. When I am with them, I am only Natsuki Subaru……No,]
Shaking his head, he fixed his eyes on his father standing in front of him,
[Subaru: No matter who I am in front of, I am always Natsuki Subaru. I brought it on myself to carry that strange signboard on my back, when I was actually being crushed by a weight that was never there. I finally understand it, now]
[Dad: Well that was super late. I’m the big black pillar holding this family up, here. I never asked you to be the head of the family, who gave you the idea to carry a burden like that. I should smack ya]
[Subaru: You did plenty of stuff more painful than smacking already!]
Seeing Subaru stomping on the ground in protest of the previous attacks, Kenichi laughed [My bad my bad] like he was apologizing on someone else’s behalf. Then, squinting his eyes into thin lines, Kenichi continued [Compared to that,]
[Dad: You said there was someone you like, and then you said there’s someone who likes you, but, what? You… are you a two-timer? With only a Subaru-rank?]
[Subaru: Don’t call it a Subaru-rank! Although I totally realize it’s too luxurious for my level! But so what! There can be two stars in the highest place, what’s wrong with that!]
It was not just him being defiant, for those were Subaru’s honest feelings at that moment.
He loved Emilia. And he loved Rem. Those two made Subaru stand up and walk forward, whether it was to stand in front of Kenichi or to face the self of his past, they gave him the strength to not run away.
All the sea of stars that once covered over Subaru’s sky――all the glittering starlight he once saw gazing upwards.
Overhead now, blinding, brighter than the light of all those stars combined, was the star of those two’s radiance. And all around that brightest star, even the stars that should have vanished long ago now came to glow with a different light.
It was outside of his shut-in room, inadvertently summoned to the Parallel World, through desperation, suffering, sorrow, wailing as he cried, screaming in anger, charging in with a smile on his face, enthusiastically advancing forward, that Subaru won this starlit sky.
[Dad: Well, that’s alright. Do as you like. Long as you get a perfect ending out of it without breaking the law, I won’t have any objections. Looks like, you got some talent for duping girls too, huh]
[Subaru: If I had talents like that I wouldn’t have failed so miserably on my first day of highschool and ended up all alone. I can’t pull off miracles like you, dad]
[Dad: I don’t think that’s true, you know? You’re my son, after all. And although you got all sorts of things wrong, that’s the one thing you got most wrong]
[Subaru: That one?]
Tapping the fingers on his cross arms, Kenichi answered the confused looking Subaru with an [En], nodding,
[Dad: I may be hyperactive in front of you and mom, but dad knows how to sort out the TIME-PLACE-OCCASION for these thing, you know? I was always like this in front of you, so maybe you got the wrong idea, but if you act like dad in front of everyone, ofcourse things are gonna go pear-shaped, oy]
[Subaru: Wa, wai-wait……]
[Dad: It’s obvious, isn’t it? If you see a guy with this kind of TENSION on the first meeting, you’ll be scared to even come near him, right? From there until you become good friends, you still have to straighten up your collar. You only get to take off a button on your shirt when it’s hot out. Otherwise, it’s patience from April to June]
That was the shocking truth. In reality, even his father changes his attitude depending on the target, just like a normal person.
Without knowing this, he had believed that if he only acted like his father, he would be loved by those around him just like his father was. Such was the shallowness of his mind.
[Subaru: All that time I spent stagnant……]
[Dad: Well, it wasn’t all useless, I think. In fact, you got to become who you are now because of it. Those stars you found, aren’t they worth the time you spent looking for them?]
Subaru, hugging his head in regret, lifted up his face as he heard those words. He could answer that question without a moment’s hesitation, for he already knew the answer, beyond all doubt.
[Subaru: ――No, it was worth it. No matter how many chances I get, I would want to chase after the same stars as I am now. So, I think I like the way I am now]
[Dad: Is that so……Then, that was all great, wasn’t it?]
Relieved to see Subaru resolve this in his heart, Kenichi smiled.
And facing that smile, Subaru felt the heavy lump in his chest dropping with a thud. The darkness within him cleared, as if all the feelings of gloom had been washed away.
Although it was a selfish and conceited emotion, to Subaru right now, it was salvation.
After facing his past, saying goodbye to his old self while embracing and accepting all that he had been, he was proud of this present self that was now walking forward.
And so――
[Subaru: I’m sorry, for all the times I closed myself off. I’m sorry I made you worry with all the emotion I can’t sort out and refusing to go to school. I know I was wrong now. I’m really sorry]
[Dad: It’s ok, you don’t have to. It’s my fault for not realizing how amazingly awesome you imagined me to be. I should be the one to say sorry, for being way too awesome in your eyes!]
[Subaru: Even though it’s a fact, after you put it like that I totally don’t want to admit it now!]
[Dad: Hahaha, no need to be embarrassed. You’re my son, and you have my blood in your veins. You definitely have the potential to become someone half as awesome as me]
[Subaru: Only half? I thought new generations are supposed to overtake the old ones]
[Dad: Well you also got half of you from your mom. With my awesomeness and good looks, combined with the other part from your mom, they kinda canceled each other out, you know]
[Subaru: Sorry mom, I have no counter to that!]
Unable to say anything to exonerate his mom who wasn’t there, Subaru clapped his hands together and apologized to thin air. Amused to see this gesture from him, Kenichi shook his head,
[Dad: Well then, that’s a load off your shoulders, right? All the walking-in-place from before is already done, there’s no point dwelling on them anymore, all that matters now is what you do from now on]
[Subaru: Yeah, en. I’m, sorry I made you worry……]
[Dad: If you want to apologize for something like that, you should take the time to properly repay our kindness. One day, you’ll have to take good care of me and mom you know, my eldest son]
――As he heard those words, Subaru grew still.
[Subaru: ――――]
He had made up his mind to apologize for everything that had happened before, and he was determined to confess all the feelings of his present self.
He had accomplished it well, the years of accumulated barriers between them had melted, and he could now face his parents with a clear heart.
Everything he had wanted to say up to now――
[Subaru: ――Fr]
Then ―― the moment he was about to say “From now on”, what surged up instead through Subaru’s entire body was,
[Subaru: ……Ple… please forgive me]
[Dad: Subaru?]
[Subaru: I’m so……I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…… I’m, I’m sorry I’m sorry……I’m so sorry……]
The confused Kenichi’s voice came from in front of him. Yet Subaru could no longer make out his face.
The flood of overflowing tears had blocked up Subaru’s vision, and the shapes of the world grew blurred. Covering his face with his palms, he desperately tried to wipe away the stream of tears. But even wiping, and wiping, he could not stop the tears from flowing. They cannot be stopped, and would not be stopped.
[Subaru: Forgive me please forgive me……I, I’m……There’s only, you two……I’m sorry, I’m so sorry……]
――He had realized it.
Somewhere within his heart, Subaru had realized it long ago.
From the moment he was summoned to this Parallel World, bathed under the light of the sun, when he squinted his eyes within the blinding flash of that instant, as if it were a revelation, Subaru knew.
――That he would never return to his original world again.
Having spilled his heart to his father, having confessed the dark emotions that had accumulated inside his chest, having been granted forgiveness, having been lent the strength to walk forward, having been taught and brought up to know how,
[Subaru: Despite all of that, I…… I can’t repay you anything…… I will, never get to see you again…… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry……I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry]
The tears would not stop. He was about to fall to his knees.
But even so, Subaru remained standing, because stopping him from collapsing, was a hug from in front that wrapped the crying Subaru’s body within its arms.
The palms were strong and broad, they pressed his son, who was almost as tall as he was, tightly into him, yet, like consoling a weeping child, they patted and caressed his back.
[Dad: ――No matter where or when, you’re still a pain-in-the-ass son. Geez]
As he said this, he continued holding onto the sobbing Subaru, soothingly, and lovingly, and did not let go.
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
[Dad: Have you calmed down?]
[Subaru: ――Yeah. Sorry. That must be, really annoying]
[Dad: No kidding. Just look at my shirt. I’ve got dried out tears and snot all over my chest now. I’m too embarrassed to even wander around the neighborhood like this]
“Haha”, using his fingers to give Subaru, who had stopped crying, a flick to the forehead, Kenichi let out a vulgar laugh.
With a grin, he stared at Subaru’s face, that was now swollen from the tears. Seeing those eyes filled with sadness and apology, Kenichi sighed,
[Dad: I don’t know why you cried so hard, but that must have been kinda embarrassing for ya, so I’ll keep it a secret. Try to thank me as best you can, ok?]
[Subaru: ……Aah. Thank you. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, more than anyone else in the world]
[Dad: Well I’m gonna blush if you put it like that]
Scratching his face looking embarrassed, Kenichi chuckled. Unable to stare at his father’s face directly for too long, Subaru averted his eyes.
Kenichi shrugged his shoulders, and flapped his hands around like he was trying to drive away insects,
[Dad: Gees, now get yourself back home, you crybaby. Dad’s in the mood for walking around a bit more, so I’ll take the long way back. If I’m seen with ya while you’re sobbing, people are gonna think something strange]
[Subaru: ……They’ll wonder what on earth a pair of father and son our age could be doing together, huh]
[Dad: Yeah no kidding. If I go back with you like this, my friends are gonna hear about it and embarrass me with it, you know]
[Subaru: That line could be fatal depending on who you say it to, so be careful how you use it!]
Inadvertently blurting out another straight-man counter to his father’s words, Subaru’s heart was stabbed with the pain of nostalgia. Clenching his teeth and forcing himself to turn his face away, Subaru managed to spit out the words [So uh],
[Subaru: I’ll be going on ahead, then. Try not to get questioned by the police or anything]
[Dad: Sorry to disappoint ya, but all the police officers around here know me. If they come and say hello I can’t really ignore them, can I]
[Subaru: Just please don’t do anything except say hello back]
That attitude from Kenichi hadn’t changed at all. Once again feeling saved by it, Subaru felt disgusted by how his own powerlessness was still no better than before. No matter where he was, he still had to rely on others to protect him. He was so hopeless that way.
But more than anything, he didn’t want to show his weakness in front of Kenichi anymore.
So after exhaling a sharp breath, as if he had made up his mind, Subaru turned his back to his father and swung out his step. And with hurried steps, he tried to disappear from that place as quickly as he could.
[Dad: ――Hey, Subaru]
From behind, Kenichi’s voice called to him, and his legs inadvertently stopped moving.
[Dad: You’re, going through all sorts of things too, huh. So, I just say this one thing]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Dad: Give it your best. I’m counting on you, son]
The fear of being counted on, the fear of disappointing.
The worry that he would betray his father’s expectations had grasped Subaru for so long, refusing to let go. It was because of it, that to Subaru, his father’s expectations had turned into a symbol of fear――
[Subaru: ――Yeah, leave it to me. Dad]
Still with his back turned, Subaru stuck a finger toward the sky, and,
[Subaru: My name is Natsuki Subaru. Son of Natsuki Kenichi. ――Therefore I can accomplish anything, and will do anything it takes. Your son is really awesome, you know]
[Dad: Yeah, I know. Half of you came from me, after all!]
“HAHAHA”, at the end of those words Kenichi showered a volley of laughter upon Subaru’s back.
Listening to its sound, a smile came onto Subaru’s lips.
With his back to his father, he swung out his strides.
His knees were no longer shaking. His heart no longer wavered. He only stared straight ahead as he walked.
――The one whose back he had always watched from behind, will be watching him from behind from now on.
Amazed, by how much strength he could draw from a fact as simple as this.
Subaru continued walking, without stopping.
-=Chapter 18 End=-
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