Volume 4, Chapter 111 Garfiel’s Barrier
Even Subaru can see that Garfiel is drowning in injuries.
The bleeding of his innumerable wounds covers his body in crimson, his breathing ragged and his shoulders heaving. Blood seeps from his numerous lacerations, and except for the loincloth-esque garment covering the lower portion of his petite frame, he is entirely exposed.
He has even lost his shoes, standing there barefoot. Subaru lowers his raised hand.
Subaru: “...That's sure not the getup I was expecting for this hello. I figured you were going to be mad, but not that you'd wind up looking like that.”
Garfiel: “Don't worry nothin' bout me. Jus' had a lil' slip n' fall.”
Subaru's cheeks stiffen as he speaks, Garfiel responding with a dissatisfied look.
Garfiel's statement is of course entirely bullshit. Subaru cannot help the bad visions he gets from seeing the guy so wounded.
Garfiel had been speeding around SANCTUARY in search of Lewes, and got wonderfully caught in Subaru's plots for Otto's group to buy time by stalling him.
Subaru can think of only one possible situation where he would wind up having this kind of appearance. That being,
Subaru: “You moron, Otto, I told you to just spew everything and run!”
Garfiel: “Guy was damn brave. He weren't any fuckin' suited fer battle, n' also ain't been in any real fights before. N' then he starts spoutin' this idiot shit 'bout it bein' for a friend... he handed my fuckin' ass t'me.”
With his cheeks twisted in irritation, Garfiel touches the white scar on his forehead.
He's had that injury since before this, but was he saying that every other wound of his had seriously happened during his fight with Otto?
Having gone through a fistfight—or really it was too one-sided to call it that, but—having traded fists with Otto, Subaru does understand. Otto is more accustomed to fights than Subaru, but in a world abounding with people who possess ludicrous combat ability, Otto ought to be classified as a noncombatant.
When placed in serious combat against a fighter—against Garfiel, who sits at the very peak of combatants that Subaru knows—there is no way he should win.
And that goes without touching on the fact that Subaru requested only that Otto buy some time through trickery. Nothing more.
Subaru: “...He's not, dead. Right?”
A frigid line of sweat drips down Subaru's forehead.
His worst-case conception is that the scene ended with Garfiel's claws shredding Otto apart. He would like to laugh it off as a needless fear, but seeing Garfiel's state, he cannot.
With how incredibly wounded Garfiel is, it's clear that he was forced into a difficult fight. But still, to demand that Otto under-preform would likely be overwhelmingly selfish.
But, even said, supposing that Otto is dead, it's just pointless. 153
Not Otto's death. It's Subaru's life that stops having any point.
Emilia: “...Subaru.”
Right as he swallows his breath and verges on pessimism, a silver bell calls his name.
These fingers which had before hesitated to touch him, here as his shoulders border on sagging, now touch. This faint sensation contacting him from behind leads Subaru, on the edge of looking down, to stop.
He glances behind him, to find Emilia standing there and looking at him with concern. She still has yet to consolidate the emotions eddying inside her.
This situation where Garfiel is standing here, indignant and covered in blood, must be incomprehensible from her perspective. But she likely has recognized that this was not any mundane affair. In her eyes as she watches Subaru, her concern beats out her anxiety.
Subaru: “Don't worry, Emilia. My bad for being pathetic. ...I just remembered who it is that's standing behind me, so I'm calmed down now.”
Supported by her gaze, Subaru gives a deep breath out before turning back to face Garfiel.
The entrance of the tomb sits on a sight incline, so Subaru is looking somewhat down at Garfiel. Garfiel's posture as he slouches is poor, his sharp gaze piercing through Subaru with enough intensity to practically kill him.
Garfiel: “Looks like while my amazin' self was rushin' around, yer bastards sure went pullin' whatever the fuck shit yer wanted. Fuckin' sneakin' sneakin' sneakin' sneakin... eh? What's that? Yer didn't fuckin' know my amazin' self hates these dirty fuckin' tricks?”
Subaru: “I didn't know we needed your permission to do stuff around here. Or actually it's obvious that's the kind of character you are so I did know that just from looking at you. Figured you'd be mad, but also figured nothing more than that'd happen.”
Garfiel: “Eh?”
Garfiel's stance is one of intimidation, but Subaru just replies with a shrug. Perhaps because Subaru's statement carries no more effort spent psyching himself up than usual, Garfiel scrunches his nose.
Looking down at Garfiel's annoyed expression, Subaru's face tightens.
Subaru: “Garfiel. What happened to Otto.”
Garfiel: “He went n'pulled all that nice fuckin' bullshit on me... n' so my fangs maim'd'm t'bits n' now his body's out fertilizin' th'forest.”
Subaru: “—”
Garfiel clicks his oversharp fangs as he licks his lips, causing Emilia to swallow her breath. Overwhelming rage emanates from all of Garfiel. That fact alone conveyed how great a fight Otto had put in against him.
As well as the fact that Garfiel had been unable to cut any corners while fighting him. And so,
Subaru: “So he's alive then. The heck, you had me fucking worried... My guts were seriously frozen there wondering if everything'd been ruined, no joke.”
Garfiel: “...Eh?”
Subaru: “But why the hell did he go off doing... couldn'tve been, I mean he said he managed to get Ram's help, did she wind up putting some weird ideas in his head? Sounds like something Ram'd do... I mean she didn't tell us how she'd move at the critical moments.”
Garfiel: “Oi, OI, Fuck off!”
Subaru: “Which means Ram goddamn helped with tearing you up. I mean yeah. No way Otto could do this much solo. The hell. This had me wondering if that damn Otto'd been hiding some secret powers from me, was sorta fracturing my feelings of friendship with him.”
Garfiel: “—Fucker! Th'fuck're you goin' on about! Eh!?”
Garfiel howls in rage, his flood of emotions slamming into the ground, rupturing it.
The earth caves in beneath the force of Garfiel's stomp, creating a crater with him in the centre. Fissures spread across the pit of the crater as its dust wafts around Garfiel, him baring his fangs.
Garfiel: “I fuckin' killed him, that's what I'm tellin' you! Th'guy's gone! He used his mystery blessin' t'get th'forest on his side, fuckin' humiliated my amazin' self with goddamn bugs n' mice. N' at th'end he hit me with some huge magic he ain't got any chance'v actually usin' by himself. N' so... my amazin' self paid my respects f'r th'bastard's fightin' spirit. —Paid him with my claws, n' fangs!”
Subaru: “The forest on his side... Right. So that's another way you can use the BLESSING OF XENOGLOSSY. That ass, hiding something that important from me...”
Garfiel: “N'same for Ram, who th'guy wheedled on! Y'see that Ram, she came'n fuckin' butted int'r our fight, fuckin' attackin' me full force... n' so my amazin' self's fangs chewed her dead too.”
Subaru: “...”
Gritting his teeth, Garfiel buries his face in his hands as he looks up at the sky.
While he wordlessly watches Garfiel's laments, Subaru ruminates over Garfiel's statements.
So yes, Ram and Otto had established a fighting unit, and confronted Garfiel.
Having Ram's assistance, it's possible that they managed to corner Garfiel to the very brink of defeating him. But regardless, the barricade presented by this beastman was thick.
Garfiel: “I ain't got any urge t'chase after th'guys who ran off durin' him buyin' time at th' moment. But I ain't got any thought t'overlook what yer bastards're doin' here either. You get away from there, n' don't get any closer. No one's goin' n' th'tomb any more. My amazin' hands 're tearin' th'thing down.”
Subaru: “You do that, and there'll be no way to break the barrier. ...This SANCTUARY'll be a closed little garden forever, you seriously good with that?”
Garfiel: “'M good with that. Everything 'cept that is bad.”
With that statement, Garfiel's feet lead him out of the crater and toward the tomb.
His gait loses all sign of doubt, communicating that he will not hesitate an instant to make the deed the just stated a reality.
Bloody and fraught with total injury—but even in this state, an extreme disparity in strength exists between Subaru and Garfiel.
Even with all his wounds, the ability of the man named Garfiel far exceeds that of Subaru.
Both his creation of the crater and the rancour emanating from him make that obviously clear. However,
Emilia: “I-I, am not letting you do that!”
Subaru excepted, there exists yet another person present here to block Garfiel.
Emilia steps forward from behind Subaru, standing in Garfiel's way as he attempts to close in on the tomb. Garfiel looks up at her, unimpressed.
Garfiel: “What, oi. Get outta my way, y'flimsy woman.”
Emilia: “No, I will get in your way. I'm not letting you destroy the tomb. Because no matter what, I'm going to overcome the TRIAL.”
Garfiel: “It's damn obvious yer can't do it. Day after fuckin' day yer wah wah wah wah cryin' all over th'damn place. N' now yer lost yer friends, can't help that yer gonna be sad. Go curl up n'bed n'fuckin' cry. Y'do that, and I ain't doin' nothin.”
Emilia: “—hk”
Sorrow flashes over Emilia's expression in response to Garfiel's cruel statement. But said expression only last for an instant as Emilia immediately swallows down the pain.
Emilia: “I'm sorry, but even if you say those things, I can't step back for you. I need to challenge the TRIAL. And then face my past, and...”
Garfiel: “Just goddamn fuckin' everybody!”
Cutting in halfway through Emilia's statement, Garfiel clicks his tongue in irritation, fury blazing in his eyes.
The grisly pressure he expels compounds in intensity, Emilia's shoulders trembling. Seeing her fear, sharp-eyed Garfiel snorts.
Garfiel: “What happened t'that blusterin' 'bout yer past? Th'second yer scared of my amazin' self, all goddamn chance is gone yer ever gonner get over what yer most afraid of. —No one can do anythin' 'bout that shit. The witch just does this malicious crap so she can goddamn laugh at people.”
Subaru: “Well isn't that a disparaging invalidation of the witch.”
Garfiel: “Eh?”
Garfiel shifts his blazing gaze from Emilia to Subaru, and jabs his finger at him.
Garfiel: “What? Yer sayin' yer wanna fuckin' protect that asshole witch? They say NO MORNING OR AFTERNOON FOR POTOTSK, but is yer fuckin' stinkin' self just whole out that witch's slave, eh?”
Subaru: “—”
Subaru shuts his mouth.
Garfiel's brows furrow in puzzlement, but he does not seem to understand why Subaru has gone silent.
The witch sleeping in the tomb is ECHIDNA. And the witch's miasma enfolding Subaru belongs to the WITCH OF ENVY.
Only informed to some marginal degree, and unable to smell the miasma himself, Garfiel's comprehension of the situation is not great enough to recognize that discrepancy.
And having had his spirit broken after challenging the TRIAL only once, Garfiel does not even understand the meaning of Echidna's TRIAL.
Subaru: “You're just half measures about everything, Garfiel.”
Garfiel: “...Fuck you'd just say?”
Putting together all of Garfiel's statements and actions thus far, this is how Subaru appraises him. Garfiel responds to Subaru's curt words in low, threatening voice. But even while faced with this looming and ghastly pressure, Subaru looks him in the eye without fear.
Subaru: “It's something you were unable to do, so others'll also be incapable of it. That's how I think, so undoubtedly you're that type. —How awful've you let your complacency get?”
Garfiel: “...”
Subaru: “Yes, you're right, Emilia has failed the TRIAL multiple times. That she's been forced to watch a past she doesn't want to see and came out bawling afterwards is another thing I can't deny. When Puck left she lost it to a revolting extent, and I can't even assert she's righted herself yet.”
Garfiel falls silent as Subaru jerks his chin toward Emilia, who stands beside him.
Emilia looks at Subaru in surprise at these sudden comments from him. But, perhaps impressed with Subaru's expression as he voices these unkind assessments, she refrains from interfering. These opinions Subaru was stating were ones that Emilia had already accepted herself. While they definitely ought to be embarrassing for her, they were not statements that she should ignore. Subaru thought her ability to judge that, and face these things, splendid of her despite her weakness. And so,
Subaru: “Maybe challenging the TRIAL won't presently lead to any change. She might lose today as well, and come back crying again.”
Garfiel: “If yer fuckin' know that, then why're yer havin' her, over n' over...”
Subaru: “But, Emilia will challenge it. Countless times. —Unlike you.”
Garfiel: “—hk”
Garfiel swallows his breath.
Seeing exactly how a quiver flashes through Garfiel's sharp gaze, Subaru speaks without fear. And once more, as he stares down directly at Garfiel,
Subaru: “Garfiel. You lost and you ran away, and Emilia is not like you.”
Garfiel: “—hk! Don't, you fuckin' dare, get cocky!!”
Immediately following Subaru's statement, Garfiel shouts in rage, his right foot shattering the earth. The impact of his stomp sends the ground flying aloft. By some unknown logic it takes the shape of a rectangular slab the size of a tatami mat, which Garfiel's left foot shunts into.
The earth block rotates on the vertical at horrifying speeds, wrapping itself in a galeforce wind as it zooms right past Subaru—and slams into the wall aside the tomb's entrance, impacting the ancient structure.
Dust and a section of entangling ivy, of moss and so on, peels away to fall from the tomb wall. They rain upon Subaru's head but he remains unflinching. Emilia's shoulders do hitch up for a moment, but having heard Subaru's statements immediately prior, she does not make any motion to move away.
Seeing the faint but definite bond of trust between the two, Garfiel's eyes shoot open outrageously wide. The gleam in his bloodshot pupils compounds in ferocity.
Garfiel: “Fuckin'! I can't stand either're you! Aauh! Can't stand you! Can't goddamn stand you! With yer fuckin' know-it-all mug! With yer fuckin' unruffled mug! If my amazin' self feels like it, th'two're yer bastards're chunks've gore so mutilated yer won't be tellin' yer goddamn apart! You don't fuckin' know that, huh!?”
Subaru: “I do know. That you're incapable of doing that.”
Garfiel breathes raggedly as he kicks at the earth, voicing threats upon threats upon threats. But his vigorous intimidations no longer have any effect on Subaru's heart.
Of course not. With everything that's happened, from his conversation with Lewes, and this present situation—putting it all together, even Subaru finally understands what lies at Garfiel's core. Although showing this much rage, and hostile toward Subaru's group, Garfiel—
Subaru: “You won't kill me or Emilia. Or no, it's that you can't. I mean Garfiel... you've never killed anyone before, have you?”
Garfiel: “—”
Subaru: “You had a fight with Otto and Ram, but you made sure you didn't kill them. Otto's one thing, but it goes absolutely for Ram. They're not showing up because you did something to immobilize them... and stopped there.”
Garfiel's irritated behaviour comes to a stop.
He quiets his breath, staring at Subaru. Hearing the words that Subaru flung at Garfiel, a look of confusion arises in Emilia's eyes.
Being that she has only seen Garfiel's usual disposition, Subaru's declarations must be rather difficult to accept for her.
But Subaru is confident.
Garfiel, at least while in humanoid form and possessing his own will, could not make the decision to kill anybody.
—Subaru has confronted Garfiel several times throughout these loops.
Over differences in opinion. Otherwise when Garfiel abruptly viewed Subaru with hostility. He once took a hit from Garfiel which stopped him when he practised violence upon Roswaal, and lost his eye.
But it was also Garfiel who healed the one-eyed Subaru afterwards, and even when he took a hostile stance, he had never once killed Subaru.
There was one exception. Garfiel had transformed into a tiger and slaughtered the evacuees. It's a memory that Subaru would rather not recollect. But it is also an impossible memory for him to forget, vivid, an event which made him even now feel things about Garfiel that he could not really swallow.
But, reflecting on the event, there is something Subaru noticed.
Garfiel could not speak while transformed. He brandished his claws and fangs according to his instincts, having degraded into an animal. Even when he turned his weapons upon the villagers, that had likely been according to instinct.
But, back then, that first villager—that first single person who became the trigger for the slaughter —when Garfiel killed him, it was to the very end of the end, truly scraping to the borderline, that Garfiel hesitated about it.
Back then, the excess of rage and panic had kept Subaru from understanding.
When Garfiel turned to approach that very first person, Subaru thought his panic had made everything look sluggish. But that was not the case. It was legitimate hesitation.
Once he killed him, once he lost that hesitation, was the moment Garfiel truly became a beast.
Cognizant to the taste of blood and life, the eyes of that tiger were things that Natsuki Subaru remembered with loathing.
Subaru: “Your eyes aren't like they were back then. You won't let yourself kill anyone, yet.”
Garfiel: “Fuck's your, basis fer that. Nevermind Ram, my amazin' self ain't got a speck've a reason t'hesitate in gnashin' yer lackey dead.”
Subaru: “Exactly, nevermind Ram.”
Emilia: “H-Hey... you two, is there some kind of grudge you have against Otto-kun...?”
Emilia timidly cuts in to comment about Otto, who is receiving very unfortunate treatment in this conversation.
But, perhaps for the first time ever, Subaru consciously ignores Emilia and jabs his finger at Garfiel.
Subaru: “If you'd thought to hit me right now, you could've done it. But you didn't think to hit me. You just used threats. It's murderousness as an accessory. Wonder which of us's the scared one.”
Garfiel: “Oi, oi, OI... watch how yer prattle yer mouth, bastard. Go any further, and yer never know which words're gonna be yer last.”
Subaru: “Quit making threats you can't follow through on. I had my fill of cowardly people trying to act tough back in the alleyway with Tom Dick and Larry. Though at least they had enough guts to stab me.”
Garfiel: “Stop... stop it...”
Gritting his teeth, Garfiel looks at Subaru with an expression of fury.
However, his opponent is Natsuki Subaru. No greater juncture existed for him to show off his talents than when pissing people off. And so,
Subaru: “And your oh so prided claws and fangs too, you groom them nicely every day, but just leave them there as decoration. If you want, how about trying on some stylish nail stickers? It's what all the girls do where I'm from. Don't think it's a perfect match for your spineless, girly self?”
Garfiel: “I told you t'fuckin' stop—!!”
Another strike.
The gouged-out earth bounces into the air, skimming over Subaru's head to crash into the tomb. There's no need to dodge. Garfiel never had any intention of hitting.
Subaru: “If you're gonna play with mud, go do it in the sandbox. Do you understand that this thing behind me's a priceless historical artefact? And aren't you stationing yourself as the fangs or whatever that guard this SANCTUARY? This thing behind me's the grave of the local witch. She's your buddy, don't discriminate against her.”
Garfiel: “She ain't! My fuckin'! Buddy! It's because that fuckin' buried witch's here that... my amazin' self... my amazin'...”
Subaru's gab is in perfect form. Even Garfiel's breathing gets choppy and feeble, faced with Subaru's fluent provocations.
Garfiel had come here while pushing his wounded body. Then he continued in this tiring conversation, and spent no time hesitating to waste his energy on pointless threat displays. His bloodflow accelerates in tune with his emotions, some of his supposedly-stable injuries opening again.
Garfiel takes ragged breaths and stands very still as he glares at Subaru. When his gaze switches to Emilia. His nose scrunches up, as if he has noticed something.
Garfiel: “Oi... fuck off, you. Fuck's with those eyes.”
Emilia: “...”
Garfiel: “If yer got somethin' yer tryin' t'say, goddamn say it! It's fuckin' pissin' me off I'm gettin' looked at like that!”
Perhaps seeing something in Emilia's eyes as she wordlessly watches him, Garfiel howls. Complex emotion rests in Emilia's amethyst gaze. She shakes her head.
Emilia: “Garfiel... what are you so afraid of?”
Garfiel: “I'm, afraid... yer sayin'?”
Emilia: “Well you're afraid. You're talking loud, reaching out as best you can, and stomping the ground to cheer yourself up, aren't you?”
Garfiel: “Like yer know, fuckin' anything 'bout me...”
Emilia: “I do know. After all...”
Cutting off Garfiel's quieter statement, Emilia takes a single breath.
Emilia: “—I've also been living in constant fear of many things.”
Garfiel's breathing freezes.
Emilia touches her chest, her fingers confirming the absence of the crystal, a fleeting sense arising in her eyes.
Emilia: “I managed to get to this moment while always scared of lots of things. I left lots of things to Puck, I leaned on him... I didn't notice I was doing it, and I made it here. But today, since just a moment ago, I feel like I finally understand it a little.”
Garfiel: “Shut up.”
Emilia: “I don't clearly know what's right yet, or what it is I have to do. But I feel like I know that there's SOMETHING. And I can find that SOMETHING inside the tomb. I can't move out of your path.”
Garfiel: “Shut it. Disappear. Don't talk to me.”
Emilia: “...But don't you truly already have that SOMETHING?”
Garfiel: “—hk!”
Past his limit, Garfiel's head springs up. His knees bend slightly, for his petite frame to go bounding off like a shot.
He leaps for Emilia with horrifying speed. —But just before he can reach her, Subaru cuts in between them.
Subaru: “Garfiel!”
Garfiel: “—Tch!”
Reaching his arms out toward the oncoming Garfiel, Subaru charges while simultaneously protecting Emilia. Subaru collides with the strike, going tumbling, wincing in pain at the battering.
After rolling several times from momentum, he stops face-up on the ground. Garfiel puts his claws to the fallen Subaru's neck as he bares his fangs at Emilia.
Garfiel: “Right now! Right fuckin' now, get away from here! Don't, n' I'm paintin' yer clothes red with th'blood from his dismembered neck!”
Emilia: “Subaru—”
Emilia prepares for battle.
She may have lost Puck, but she is still a practitioner of the spiritual arts. She could enlist help from her contracted minor spirits to use magic. Leaving aside whether she would win, she could fight Garfiel.
And thus Emilia immediately moves to build up mana—
Subaru: “Emilia, stop! I'm fine! He won't do anything anyway!”
Garfiel: “Shut it! Fuckin' enough, 'm sick of this crap! My ears're rottin' off listenin' t'th'bullshit from yer n' that woman! 'F I rip open that loose mouth'er yers n' cut off yer jaw, maybe yer ain't gonna talk none'v this shit anymore?”
Subaru: “—gh,”
Leaning down on the fallen Subaru, Garfiel runs his sharp claws over his left cheek. Their points gouge into his flesh, Subaru wailing quietly at the burning pain.
But even still, his eyes do not yield.
Subaru: “You get us out of the way, destroy the tomb, and then what? ...You think running and running and running is going to let you get away?”
Garfiel: “It's yer own regret. Goddamn who can do anythin' 'bout it? That thing ain't got th'slightest idea 'v lettin' us get away. Why is it you ain't gettin' that!”
Subaru: “No, I'm not getting it, Garfiel. —Since your past, and your regrets, can be overcome.”
Garfiel: “—”
Subaru asserts.
Garfiel and Emilia swallow their breath.
Subaru: “It was painful, it was suffering, it was so overwhelmingly pathetic that I couldn't face anyone and I gave up. But the only who thought it was hopeless was me, and actually, nothing was beyond hope at all.”
Even saying they were fake events, false parents, and created from memories. Subaru faced his biggest regret, and procured a single answer as well as a goodbye.
The TRIAL assuredly did confer Subaru with pain. Just remembering it made his insides creak, the thing in his chest was perpetual, and the TRIAL had branded Subaru with both his past and with suffering.
Subaru: “But, including that pain and absolutely everything, I swallowed my past. Swallowed it. ...While yes the witch is an asshole, and I'll never forget how she betrayed me when I tried to trust her.”
Passing through his mind is the visage of the white witch, always smiling mysteriously.
No matter how much time passes, Subaru will never unravel his complicated feelings about her.
But, there should be no need to betray even the feeling that he acquired back then.
Subaru: “I'm grateful to the witch. I'm glad I could face my past. I ran, I ran, I ran and I ran... but I'm glad I couldn't escape.”
Garfiel: “—”
Subaru: “Garfiel. —Are you seriously still running from your past with your family?”
Garfiel: “Wh—!?”
Garfiel's face changes colours.
It reddens in rage, pales in shock, and now, turns pallid.
The clicking from his fangs results from the trembling of his chattering teeth. With chills, or perhaps in dread, Garfiel looks down at Subaru.
Garfiel: “Who, told you... about my past?”
Subaru: “Basically everyone you're thinking of. Do you think that's a betrayal? Or do you think it's something else?”
Garfiel: “ue, au, aehu...”
The overwhelming fury keeps Garfiel from even speaking as he gives choppy, faltering breaths. His breathing comes intermittent. Witnessing this violent shock happening immediately before his face, Subaru continues.
Subaru: “The witch told me that you're afraid of the outside world.”
Garfiel replies with nothing.
Subaru: “Frederica told me that when she offered you to leave with her, you denied her.”
Garfiel replies with nothing.
Subaru: “Lewes-san told me that what you saw in the tomb, was your goodbye with your mother.”
Garfiel replies with—
Garfiel: “Moth, er...”
Subaru: “I heard the superficial outline of you and Frederica's circumstances. You're siblings from a human mother, and two different half-blood demihuman fathers. You two quarter-bloods aren't bound by SANCTUARY's barrier. Frederica left SANCTUARY so that she could create a place to receive the people from here, for when the barrier is eventually broken.”
Garfiel: “Sister...”
Subaru: “But you didn't take Frederica's hand, and stayed inside. Why did you? What is it you want to do, for what purpose is it, that you're still here?”
His breathing labours.
Garfiel's hand as it presses Subaru to the ground starts putting in more force. He was not doing this to silence Subaru. Garfiel was so entirely ruined that if did not put his strength into something, cling to something, he would imminently break down.
Subaru: “In the tomb you saw your past. You saw your mother leaving you and Frederica behind in SANCTUARY... did you?”
Garfiel: “—“
Subaru: “That's the reason you're avoiding the outside world?”
Silence is to be taken as a 'yes'.
Garfiel remains silent, looking at Subaru with weakest gaze he's given yet. It could not even be called a glare, this powerless look.
His expression was that of a small child, scared of his secrets being exposed.
Guilt for cutting into another's wounds arises in Subaru's chest. He subdues the feeling, grappling it down, as he presses Garfiel for the truth.
He stabs his finger into the faintly visible wound, forcing the hole wider, letting the blood flow.
Subaru: “Because your mother abandoned you. Because you hate your mother who abandoned you, because you hate the outside world that took your mother, you detest the outside world!?”
His theories from speaking with Lewes.
His advice from Echidna, saying that Garfiel fears the outside world.
The reason that his goodbye with his family remains in Garfiel's heart, and even now stings him as barbs.
Hearing the assertive tone of Subaru's statement, Garfiel frantically shakes his head.
Garfiel: “No! No, nonononononono, yer wrong!! The fuck'd you goddamn understand! Stop runnin' yer mouth like yer know shit!”
Subaru: “That's right! What I said is my imaginings, and what my mouth's running is know-it-all bunk. The only one who can say what you're really thinking is you. If I'm wrong, then what are your actual feelings on this!?”
Force presses down on his lungs. Subaru shows no pained expression as he raises his voice. Showered in Subaru's voice from below him, Garfiel's face stiffens. He looks away.
Subaru: “You rejected Frederica who left for the outside, you bound yourself with the duty to protect SANCTUARY, and you're interfering with people who challenge the TRIAL while they attempt to break the barrier! What is it you're scared of! What is it you fear! So you just hate the outside world!?”
Garfiel: “Yer, all wrong...!”
Subaru: “So you just hate your mother who abandoned you! You challenged the TRIAL, saw yourself being abandoned, and so that's what you're afraid of!”
Garfiel's expression twists in grief.
He lifts his hand from Subaru, uprighting himself in an attempt to escape Subaru's verbal pursuit. But he will not get away.
Subaru reaches out, grabs the back of Garfiel's neck, and pulls him to a stop.
With Garfiel's gruesome, bloodsoaked face within breathing range, Subaru glares at him, presses further.
Subaru: “Answer me, Garfiel! What is it you're afraid of!”
His theory from speaking with Lewes, Echidna's words, Roswaal and Frederica's attitudes, Ram's expression when she looks at Garfiel—Subaru saw an answer differing from all of them.
If he was right, if this was the truth, then...
Garfiel: “No, my amazin' self's... my amazin'... “
Subaru: “What is it you truly think!!”
Garfiel: “My amazing... mine, mother...”
Garfiel swallows his breath, gazes up at the sky, his fangs chattering as he,
Garfiel:
“—I wanted her to be happy!”
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Garfiel: “We were in the way, weren't we!? Myself and my sister, we were in the way of her happiness, weren't we!?”
Flowing over.
Everything that Garfiel had been holding in until now.
Garfiel: “Well I knew that! She abandoned me and sis. And of course she would!”
Garfiel's reasoning, which he had kept in his heart, never revealed to anybody.
Garfiel: “Couple of goddamn brats she couldnt've wanted, n' ones with demihuman blood at that... of course we'd impede her from living in the outside world! Leaving us behind, throwing us away,
what is weird about that… there ain't nothing... incorrect with that!”
Unable to hide his wavering voice, he buries his face in his hands to hide his wavering eyes.
Garfiel: “I get why we were abandoned. So I don't resent mom for abandoning us! 'S goddamn obvious! Myself and my sis, we were impeding our mom's life! She threw us away, and left SANCTUARY so she could be happy!”
While still young, Garfiel had seen his mother off as she left the two of them behind and exited SANCTUARY.
He could not have understood what he felt back then. But the feeling had laid its roots in him, grown inside him over a long span of time, and bloomed into a single answer.
Being: His mother had just abandoned them.
However,
Garfiel: “But y'know, that night... I, saw it. There in th'tomb, in the TRIAL, I saw it. I saw it. S-she, left us, and left SANCTUARY, and... right then, right after she left, her carriage got caught in a landslide, swallowed in the dirt and she just died...”
Subaru: “—!”
Garfiel: “Sis doesn't know... Sis fucking thinks mom's off somewhere, forgotten about us and living a happy life. ...But reality's not that! Mom, the second she abandoned us! She died!”
Fragments of the truth, sobbed out of Garfiel's mouth.
The harshness of it overwhelms both Subaru, aware of the circumstances, and unaware Emilia.
Garfiel remains before the silenced two, head still buried in his hands, his breathing ragged with his weeping.
Garfiel: “She just damn died... she never got to be happy...”
Subaru can give no reply.
Garfiel: “Why? But you know she left for the outside so that she could be happy?”
Emilia can give no reply.
Garfiel: “But you know she left us because she wanted to be happy?”
Neither Subaru nor Emilia can give Garfiel any reply.
Garfiel: “She abandoned us, but if she never got to be happy and just immediately died, then...”
The unanswerable questions stream from Garfiel's mouth.
And surely—
Garfiel: “What are we meant to do about our sadness, about this feeling of being thrown away?”
—These questions had always, always chorused eternally inside his heart.
Garfiel: “I wanted mom to be happy!”
Power comes to his teary voice.
Garfiel draws his hands away from his face, gritting his teeth as he pauses.
His fangs could crack. His canines could tear through his lips.
Garfiel: “The sadness we felt! And the loneliness of being disowned! It was meaningful because it was for her happiness, that's what I wanted to think! I wanted to be able to hate mom!”
Having lost any harbour for his feelings about his mother, Garfiel's heart has been trapped inside SANCTUARY.
Without anything to strike against, his emotions had been the fuel to keep aflame the blaze consuming his soul.
Garfiel: “But mom just died! Me and sis, we had a sad experience and that was it. Mom didn't get to be happy at all, heavy rocks and sand buried her, she died in agony.”
Having reached this conclusion, there amid the smouldering ashes inside him, Garfiel decided.
Garfiel stands up. He draws away from Subaru.
He looks up at the tomb, and in a low voice,
Garfiel: “—I ain't ever going t'the outside world.”
His voice shakes.
In rage, in sorrow, in vestiges of fury, the flame still blazing even now.
Garfiel turns around.
He looks down at the fallen Subaru, and clicks his sharp fangs.
Garfiel: “Desertin' th'place and going outside ain't going to give you happiness! Trying to change anything comes accompanied with pain, and not everybody can withstand that hurt!”
Subaru: “—”
Garfiel: “There's shittons of hopeless people out there! This place's full'v'em! What'm I meant to do! Just make them sacrifices for happiness, and give them sad experiences?! Just be like my sis?!”
Subaru: “—”
Garfiel: “I will—my amazin' self will—protect them.”
He clenches his fists.
His howling stops, his eyes hosting quiet determination as he pauses.
Garfiel: “My amazin' self'll protect them. Everything my hands can reach, my amazin' self'll protect. Protect, protect, protect... never ever lose anybody... never let anyone experience anything like what my mom did!”
Not anger, not sadness, prompts Garfiel's heart to tremble.
Neither Subaru, nor Emilia, can move when faced with these feelings of Garfiel's. Garfiel spreads his arms wide, turning his back to the tomb, and shouts.
Garfiel: “I'll be the barrier! A real one, dividing inside and outside, a barrier!”
Subaru: “Garfiel...”
Garfiel: “I! Will! Protect SANCTUARY, protect everyone! Protect nanna! My amazin' self's the only one who can do it! My amazin' self's the only one who knows it! And it's fine for them not to know!!”
Garfiel's nigh bloody scream, his resolve, his determination.
Faced with that, they cannot speak.
Garfiel has steeled his resolve entirely.
And so,
Emilia: “—Subaru.”
Subaru: “It's okay, Emilia.”
Emilia calls out to Subaru as he stands up, steps forth.
He gives a wave of his hand to her concerned voice as he approaches Garfiel.
The two face each other, mutually between an arm's reach.
Words would no longer stop Garfiel.
And so, there was only one thing to do.
Subaru: “You goddamn stubborn, oblivious bastard...”
Garfiel: “—”
Subaru: “I understand your resolve. My assumptions'd been wrong. And your assumptions are wrong too. And so... I'll go and rectify them.”
Garfiel stoops down slightly, his arms dangling at his sides.
Although he may look undefended, an abnormal and ghastly aura emanates from him as he takes this serious battle stance.
Subaru raises his hands to take his own battle stance, as well.
With Garfiel as his opponent, having determined that words will not work, to fight him on his turf.
Subaru:
“I'll force you into absolute surrender, and teach you. —That you're a kind, weak, stupid idiot!”
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