Volume 4, Chapter 92 [Lie]
{Puck: Feels like it’s been ages since we talked like this}
{Subaru: Well it has been…… right, almost two weeks since you’ve gone missing. Your owner’s been worried sick looking all over for you, and you were nowhere to be found}
It was a strange sensation, hearing the words steep directly into his skull instead of vibrating through the air. Nevertheless, listening to Puck’s voice, still as carefree as ever, Subaru was struggling to keep his inner rage from seeping into his reply.
More infuriated than elated to get his expected―― or rather, hoped-for reaction, it was too much for Subaru to take lying down.
{Puck: It seems, over the two weeks we haven’t talked…… you’ve built up quite a bit of resentment towards me}
{Subaru: You know why that is…… right? Don’t make me spell it out for you}
{Puck: Right. The things I said in front of the blue-haired girl before I stopped coming out…… now that I think about it, it was pretty thoughtless of me. I really did reflect on it}
{Subaru: ……! That’s not what we’re talking about!}
What was thoughtless was digging up something Subaru had already forgotten he was angry about. And to top it off, it completely derailed the conversation from what they ought to be discussing.
{Don’t get so angry……}, Puck pouted at Subaru’s outburst,
{Puck: I know that. I just wanted to apologize. If we don’t clear up some of the bad blood between us before moving onto the main topic, we wouldn’t be having a real heart-to-heart, now would we? …….Especially now that I’m in a position where there is so much I’ll need to ask of you}
{Subaru: Okay, you good? If you’re done stroking your self-satisfaction, let’s get on with the conversation. You know, the one you want to have, about the main topic}
Acknowledging Puck’s apology with some perfunctory acceptance, Subaru glared at the crystal as he pushed the conversation forward.
Reflecting Subaru’s gaze in its translucent gleam, the stone at Emilia’s chest was glowing with a dark-green luminescence.
Subaru clicked his tongue, and,
{Subaru: Anyway, this isn’t a good place to talk. For now, let’s go outside. We don’t know when Emilia’ll wake up. Better change locations befor……]
{Puck: I am sorry, but I can’t. ――And that would count as a part of our main topic as well}
While gazing at the sleeping Emilia, Subaru heard his proposal shot down by Puck’s telepathic words. For a moment, Subaru made an expression as if his nose had been pinched,
{Subaru: That wasn’t a “Don’t wanna” kind of rejection… You can’t? What’s that supposed to mean?}
{Puck: Only what it sounds like. In my present state, going outside the crystal…… or basically, manifesting in the external world is currently impossible for me. If it weren’t, did you really think I would ever let Lia feel this sad and alone?]
{Subaru: ――――}
Hearing Puck say this as if were a matter of course, Subaru’s mind fell into silence.
The fact is, considering everything that’s happened between Subaru and this spirit up to now, Subaru honestly felt like doubting the credibility of Puck’s words.
But aside from Puck’s tendency to always show up late when it actually matters, fundamentally―― he exists solely for Emilia’s sake, and his feelings for Emilia are genuine. Subaru considered these points to be beyond any doubt.
Which means,
{Subaru: Some circumstance, or some reason…… is preventing you from coming outside?}
{Puck: That’s right. I haven’t even been able to reach out through thoughts like this. And so it was very fortunate that you suspected this and called to me in the crystal. I doubt anyone else could have secured such an opportunity}
{Subaru: Anyone else……?}
{Puck: It’s very simple, the only one who could be this close to Lia while she’s unconscious would be you. Besides, even if by chance someone did touch the crystal, there was the problem of whether our affinity would allow us to communicate through thoughts. But we’ve done this before, so I knew I could speak to you this way}
{Subaru: ……Now that you mention it, we have, haven’t we? So, what is it you want from me?}
{Puck: Hm……?}
{Subaru: Now that someone has finally met these preconditions and, by some divine chance, called out to you… You must’ve been prepared to not let this million-to-one chance slip away. So, with the short time that we have, what do you have to tell me?}
{Puck: ――――}
Subaru’s words were met with a meaningful silence. In his mind, he could almost imagine the unseen cat-spirit smiling a wide and human-ish grin.
Without betraying Subaru’s imaginings, Puck laughed, his voice unable to conceal his delight.
{Puck: So I was right to expect great things from you after all… though it pains me to think that I would have to entrust Lia to someone other than myself}
{Subaru: ……I can pass on what you’re thinking to Emilia, if you want}
The latter part of Puck’s joyful words became laced with gloom. Sensing this change about him, Subaru lowered his eyes. His suggestion had been no more than a consoling thought. But, having said it, it might actually be a good idea.
After losing Puck, who had been holding up the core of her heart, Emilia was in an unsettled state. She was enduring it for now, but as the passage of time and her repeated failures in the Trials abrade away her body and mind, her weakness will begin to show through. If that’s how it will turn out, then maybe offering her some relief here would――
{Puck: Better not. If she learns that I’ve been talking to someone behind her back, in the worst case, Lia’s mind could break}
But, before Subaru could go any further with that thought, he was stopped by Puck’s dejected voice. Trying to take in the meaning of those words, “Hhaa…”, Subaru expelled a dry sigh in the physical world,
{Subaru: And…… what’s that supposed to mean?}
{Puck: It means exactly what it sounds like. If you act as an intermediary and convey my words to Lia, she will find out that I am not truly asleep inside the crystal. If she realizes that despite keeping me from manifesting and preventing me from contacting anyone I am not actually silenced, it would likely cause her precarious mental balance to collapse}
{Subaru: Wai, wait a minute――!}
Subaru shook his head, calling for Puck’s piling words to stop.
Since he had no body, with only the crystal’s sheen for Subaru to look on, Puck’s expression was imperceptible. But, at least from Puck’s voice, Subaru judged that this was no attempt at deception.
{Subaru: Do you… realize what you’re saying? Just now… it’s like you’re saying that it’s Emilia herself who’s preventing you from coming outside…}
{Puck: …………}
{Subaru: And silence you……? What’re you talking about? Emilia’s been calling out for you, wailing and in tears, asking for your help…… so how can you…! It wasn’t mine, it wasn’t anyone else’s, it was your name that she was calling when she was exhausted and about to crumble! So why’re you……!}
{Puck: ……Ah, that’s right. You would be the first person to be upset to hear Lia call someone else’s name before yours, Subaru}
{Subaru: ―――Tch!!}
Those words were utterly beside the point, but, realizing how they accurately captured the core of his thoughts, Subaru’s throat clamped shut with an incomprehensible and violent emotion.
It was in hopes of becoming the foremost in Emilia’s heart that he had toiled and struggled thus far. And the fact that he didn’t hold that place in her heart bothered him to no end. That was the truth.
At the same time, it drove him mad with rage to see that the one who did occupy that spot in Emilia’s heart, who, despite possessing far more power than Subaru and professing to hold Emilia above all the world, was failing to take any action for her sake.
And so, when he was told that it was not him, not Puck, but Emilia herself who was responsible for that fact, how could he possibly just accept it?
{Subaru: So, what… You mean to say that every time Emilia was broken by the Trials, worn down by loneliness, smiling in tears reminiscing on her painful past, every bit of that was just a performance and a lie? ――You expect me to believe that!?}
If those tears, those cries, and those laments had all been an act to deceive the people around her, then Emilia must certainly be some gifted actress. Rather than aiming for the throne, she should be aiming for an Oscar instead.
If one could ignore the obvious fact that Emilia had neither the talent nor reason to deceive Subaru and the others, that is.
{Subaru: There’s no way…… Nevermind constantly fooling everyone around her, she gets crushed by guilt just over telling the tiniest lie. That’s the kind of girl Emilia is……}
{Puck: Subaru, calm down. I’m not speaking ill of Emilia like in your worst-case imaginings. So just calm down}
{Subaru: Worst-case imaginings……? What worst-case imaginings… You bastard, stop peeking into my head! That’s got nothing to do with this…! No matter what happens, I’ll never think of Emilia like……}
{Puck: ――NATSUKI SUBARU!}
Puck’s penetrating voice struck through the roiled and agitated Subaru.
The intense emotion packed within that brief call was enough to, for a moment, freeze Subaru’s trembling body still. Yet at the end of Subaru’s sticken gaze was not the figure of the small cat, but the stone quietly resting on Emilia’s chest, glowing with its inorganic light.
{Puck: ……Have you calmed down?}
{Subaru: ……So you can raise your voice after all… I always thought you’re just a carefree fluffy furball who never gives a damn about the seriousness of the situation}
{Puck: It is very rare for me to shout like this. It’s only when it’s Lia…… or when I need to scold some disobedient brat, that I raise my voice this way}
{Subaru: Disobedient brat, huh}
At that unforgiving description, Subaru spilled a small sigh.
He couldn’t deny it. He could see that his unsightly attitude was problematic here.
How many times since the start of this long-awaited conversation had Subaru failed to remain calm? And how many times did Puck have to rebuke him to get the conversation back on track?
It’s pathetic how he couldn’t restrain himself. And that heart of steel he had so yearned for, was there not even a scrap of it inside him?
{Puck: But, to be honest, I am glad there is someone who can get so emotional over Lia this way. You must be providing Lia with no small amount of strength as well}
{Subaru: ――huh?}
{Puck: No one has managed to step this far into Lia’s heart before. Not even Roswaal, who brought Lia out of the forest for the Royal Selection, has ever touched the deepest core of her thoughts. But, since that man only intends to place Lia on the throne as a means to another end, that is not so surprising}
{Subaru: ――Do you… know what Roswaal’s goals are?}
{Puck: To follow the Gospel, right? Perhaps, he’s a lot like Betty in that respect. Though, one has a lot written in his, while the other has nothing written in hers. Similar but different, might be a better way to put it}
It seems Puck already knew the details about Roswaal and Beatrice’s circumstances. Subaru doubted that the information would have been passed to Emilia, and that only made him even more unsettled about Puck’s reasons for keeping those facts to himself.
But Subaru could already imagine what Puck would say if he had asked him about it.
{Subaru: Since it’s unrelated to Emilia, you were in no hurry to do anything…… huh}
{Puck: If you mean Betty, I would have liked to do everything I could for her. But….. now that Lia is tangled up with Roswaal, I have no choice but to focus on that}
{Subaru: Well that’s your own damn fault for not saying anything when you knew what was going to happen, isn’t it?}
{Puck: I have nothing to say to that. Though I do think it’s unfair of me to make you deal with the consequences}
Regardless of intention, it seems his refusal to prioritize anything besides Emilia was the primary reason behind all this. If his inaction was what brought about Emilia’s present hardships, then that would be far too great a blunder to be laughed off as a simple mistake.
{Subaru: I’ll be wrecking Roswaal’s plans so nevermind that for now. And Beatrice…… I’ve no intention of leaving her to you. The only thing I’m conspiring with you about is Emilia}
{Puck: That’s fine. Right now, I don’t have the strength to spend on anyone besides Lia. Expending my efforts on anything other than what is dearest to me would be going about it backwards}
{Subaru: Then tell me. What do you mean Emilia is preventing you from coming outside? I won’t believe for a second that she’s been lying to everyone}
Last time, he had been running off of his emotions, but those thoughts remain the same even now. Although there was no way he could possibly know everything inside Emilia’s heart, she was certainly not the kind of person who would deceive those around her and spit on their considerations this way.
Hearing this thought, Puck transmitted what felt like a relieved sigh into Subaru’s mind.
{Puck: I’m not in a position to say anything like “You needn’t worry”. But, while it is by Lia’s will that I am prevented from going outside…… it isn’t because Lia herself is trying to keep me from doing so}
{Subaru: ……Sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying}
{Puck: It’s hard to explain. Lia seeking my help, calling to the crystal, and being unable to hear my voice, all of it is real. The fact that she is scared to be alone and trembling without her support is also true. But…}
{Subaru: ――――}
{Puck: Lia’s subconscious is refusing to let me materialize or communicate with her. The front and back ends of her heart are at odds… might be a way to describe it}
The front and back ends of her heart. Subaru gulped down a breath at those words.
Surely, he couldn’t be talking about split personalities? That said, every time Subaru had experienced being chased into despair in this world, it had been a variation of being betrayed by his heart.
If this was the same with Emilia, then,
{Subaru: You can’t influence Emilia from your end?}
{Puck: It’s tricky. The back end’s persistence is far stronger than the front end. And even if I do manage to get through to the front, it will only spell trouble for Lia’s mind}
{Subaru: What makes you think it’ll be trouble? Like, would something upset her if you were to come out……}
{Puck: But you already know the answer, don’t you?}
Interrupting Subaru’s trailing question, there was almost a hint of ridicule in Puck’s voice.
Receiving this thought, Subaru fell into a momentary silence before lowering his eyes,
{Subaru: ――It’s just a guess}
{Puck: Hm, go on. Let’s hear it. I did say this, didn’t I? I’m expecting great things from you, Subaru}
At Subaru’s mutter, Puck gave this entirely ungratifying stamp of approval. Feeling his mood lighten somewhat even from that meagre assurance, Subaru continued,
{Subaru: If you’re present, then Emilia will……}
{Puck: Mhm, mhm?}
{Subaru: ……have to accept some inconvenient part of her past. ――That’s why Emilia’s subconsciously stopping you from interfering}
{Puck: ――――}
Receiving Subaru’s thought-waves, Puck’s reaction was neither rejection nor laughter, but silence.
If that unseen cat-spirit was here in form, he’d probably be floating there with his leisurely air and carefree expression, swaying his long tail to and fro.
{Puck: Amazing, Subaru. That’s a better answer than I expected}
Puck said after a moment of silence with an impressed tone in his voice.
At this, Subaru exhaled a sigh through his nostrils.
{Subaru: Seriously, your compliments don’t make me happy at all, you know}
{Puck: It’s honest praise. You didn’t have much information to go on, so the fact that you’ve deduced this far really is surprising. You know Lia’s heart well}
Saying so with an air of deep compassion, Puck’s consciousness was probably watching the sleeping Emilia. As if lured by that voice, Subaru turned his gaze to her pale, sleeping face as well.
Lying there, sound asleep, it was impossible to tell whether she was having a good dream or a nightmare.
The Trial and its accompanying past whittling at her heart―― Subaru had his doubts as to how accurate that recreated past was to the past that actually took place.
The past that Subaru saw in his Trial was about him parting with his parents, who were the symbols of his past regrets. It was only natural. The past Subaru needed to overcome was not a single great event, but the environment in which he had languished throughout the time he had spent in sloth.
And so, for Subaru, the Trial created a time and space that never truly existed, and gave him a pleasant reprieve to be with his parents while urging him to make his farewells.
{Subaru: Those pasts aren’t necessarily faithful to what happened in the real world. They’re just mental images drawn from the challenger’s mind assembled into a form suited for the Trials}
At the end of the Trial, Echidona had told Subaru the rough outlines of how the Trial worked. Having collected pieces of memories that even Subaru didn’t know he remembered, the Trial had used them to craft “An Elaborately Fabricated World”.
In other words, none of Subaru’s parting from his parents was real, and it had been no more than self-satisfaction.
――“But so what?”, were Subaru’s present thoughts.
{Subaru: The past you see in the Tomb is a forgery disguised as the real thing. And the asshole who set up the Trials did it so that the challenger’ll reach whatever answer satisfies her the most}
Echidona hadn’t stated as much, but, from what he had seen of that Witch’s deviousness first-hand, Subaru was sure it was just the kind of thing she would do.
And so,
{Subaru: The past that Emilia saw would be part reality and part fabrication. And you…… must know something that would be decisive in correcting that discrepancy. That’s why Emilia’s subconscious is blocking her attempts to summon you}
{Puck: ……Which begs the question. If I’m with her, Lia would see the past as it really was. So why would Lia’s heart reject me, knowing this?}
{Subaru: That’s s……}
“Simple”, Subaru was about to say when he hesitated.
The reason for his hesitation was just as simple. If the next words came out of his mouth, it would mean exposing the reality of Emilia’s past―― as well as the fact that the cruel and aversive scene she had described was only a cover for the truth buried in her heart.
{Puck: …….because the truth that Lia has forgotten is far more unforgiving than the false memories she had spoken of}
Puck finished Subaru’s sentence for him.
Recognizing what he had failed to recognize until the words came out, Subaru’s face twisted in grief as he looked towards Emilia.
The people she had spent those days with in tenderness and warmth―― to have those same people turn on her with all their hate and malice, showering her with their spite inside the ice as she bade her long, long farewell:
That past which tore at Subaru’s body and soul just thinking about was, in fact, a gentle cradle to shield her from an even crueler truth.
{Subaru: Do you… know what Emilia actually saw?}
{Puck: ……Unfortunately, I don’t. When I first met Lia, it was already after she had been frozen alongside the forest. So I don’t know why Lia would be afraid of my presence. And I have no idea how I play into Lia’s past}
Listening to Puck’s mutters of genuine regret, Subaru bit down on his lip.
Emilia’s real past―― was the reason she couldn’t pass the Trial. Grasping this, he was now one step closer to the answer.
Each time Emilia was inside the Trial, she saw both her real and her fabricated past. And she herself wanted that fabricated past to be her real one.
As long as she fails to reach an answer to her actual past, she will not pass the Trial. And so long as Emilia continues lying to her own heart, those sweet knives of her past would continue shredding away at her mind.
{Subaru: What should I do?}
{Puck: I don’t know}
{Subaru: I want to help Emilia… and become her strength}
{Puck: It is the same for me. I exist only for her sake. If I cannot be her strength, then there is no reason for me to exist}
{Subaru: I want to support her in everything she wishes to do… and I want to be at her side}
{Puck: ――――}
Faced with Subaru’s appeals, Puck fell silent as he sank into thought. All the while, Subaru intently waited for the spirit’s reply. Then, with a voice laced with determination,
{Puck: Subaru. ――There is only one possibility}
{Subaru: Possibility……?}
{Puck: It is a solution that would’ve been absolutely unthinkable if I were on my own, and, even now, I am strongly averse to it. This is something I never imagined I would suggest, even if I did consider it}
Listening to Puck’s consternation, Subaru braced himself for the words to come. At least, this was the first time Subaru had heard Puck speak in a voice this serious in his normal form.
{Subaru: What do you need me to do?}
{Puck: It is something that I will have to do. Though you will be the one left with all the cleanup afterwards}
{Subaru: ……You sound like you’re gonna say something insane next, I’m kinda scared}
{Puck: I never thought I’d end up leaving it all in someone else’s hands, either. But, well…… I believe you are the only person who’d be willing to stake your life for Lia’s sake, if need be}
Sensing that Puck was repressing some great emotion as he spoke, Subaru sucked in a small breath.
No doubt――Puck’s assessment was correct. For Emilia, Natsuki Subaru would gladly lay down his life.
Seeing Subaru give his silent assent, Puck must’ve nodded inside the crystal as well.
And then, in a quiet voice,
{Puck: Tomorrow morning, I will break my contract with Lia. ――And once the relationship between Lia and me is severed, I’m sure that when she cries, you will do what you can to comfort her}
-=Chapter 92 End=-
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