Volume 4, Chapter 91 [False Sleep]
Listening to Emilia’s tearful wish, Subaru felt his entire body stabbed by pangs of remorse. The guilt of digging up her painful memories to the point that he made her cry tormented his heart to no end.
From Emilia’s faltering words, he could sense the love and gratitude she felt for the people she had lived with inside Elior Forest. Yet, it all changed on the day the snow first fell, when her fond memories were replaced by their voices, full of hatred and malice.
Subaru couldn’t possibly know what they really thought, trapped inside the ice. But regardless, Emilia’s days of warmth and happiness had been sealed along with them inside that thick, unmelting ice.
[Subaru: ……But why did they say those things to you? From what you just told me… it’d only make sense if the one who froze the forest in ice was…… you. But, were you really powerful enough to do something that incredible when you were that little?]
[Emilia: ――I don’t know. Back then, I knew far less of the world than I do now. I knew nothing of what I could or couldn’t do, and I was always imposing on everyone’s kindness. But…… without Puck, I doubt I have the power to freeze an entire forest by myself, even now]
[Subaru: But if you had Puck… you could do it?]
[Emilia: ――――]
At Subaru’s question, Emilia wordlessly nodded.
Her half-hearted affirmation was probably because she was afraid Subaru would mistake her for the culprit behind the freezing of the forest. But that wasn’t what Subaru was thinking at all.
Not because he was biased, but because of a simple matter of sequence.
[Subaru: You don’t have to look so worried, I’m not gonna misunderstand. You met Puck way after the Forest had already been frozen…… by almost a hundred years, right? The freezing and you meeting Puck is totally in the wrong order]
[Emilia: M-mn…… yes, but……]
Sensing her unease, Subaru gave her his conclusion. Receiving this, Emilia nodded, though her expression was too tense to be called relieved.
Resisting the urge to furrow his brows at her reaction, Subaru strained himself to keep his expression composed in front of her as he folded his arms.
――He had a vague feeling that something was off even while he was listening to Emilia’s story. But it was here, in this instant, that he felt this sense of incongruity more intensely than ever.
It’s only natural. Natsuki Subaru had never delved into Emilia’s past or inner thoughts before this, but had been content merely to coddle her and love her for the surface of her character like he would a child.
And so, this is Subaru’s Trial―― the one which he must start from.
Now that Subaru had lost his qualification to challenge the Trials of the Tomb, this will be the Trial that will determine whether he has the right to stand before Emilia, and to support her at her side.
[Subaru: I understand what kind of scene you saw in the Trial now. ……So, if we flip this around, what do you think you’ll have to do to beat it?]
[Emilia: That’s…… um, it’s……]
Emilia’s gaze wandered. Not because she was hesitating whether to answer, but because it was so vague that she was struggling to find the words.
Emilia had no clear insights about how to break through the Trial. On her very first attempt, she was abruptly presented with a long-held quandary, and now she was being asked to give a perfect answer.
But, in the first place, the First Trial only requires the challenger to give an answer to the past they’ve been avoiding―― do this, and they will pass the Trial, that’s what Echidona had told him.
Affirm it, or deny it, either would suffice as an answer.
Emilia had already accepted the sad memory of being rejected by all those who had been kind to her. So, does that mean she’d have to get over it in order to pass the Trial?
To get over something you’ve left behind in your past―― how does one do such a thing?
Subaru had no clear answers to give her. But, having overcome the First Trial and experienced the Second, there were some things that Subaru did know. Just through the few interactions he’d had with the character named Echidona, he did know this:
――Chances are, the Trial would not present its challenger with an impossible problem.
That’s only natural, considering its creator, Echidona’s, goals.
What Echidona desires are the “Results” to sate her curiosity, a treasure which shines the brightest when attained through the passing of a Trial. At least, that should be what that Witch is thinking.
In this case, the result would be whether the challenger affirms or denies their past.
In other words, Emilia should already have everything she needs to pass the Trial. If she could just figure out what the conditions are and give her reply, that would be her solution. So then, the obstacle here isn’t the Trial itself, but――
[Subaru: If you keep challenging without having an answer… it’s always going to turn out the same way]
[Emilia: ――So, what do you think, Subaru?]
[Subaru: …………]
[Emilia: Having heard my story…… about my Trial and my past…… what do you think? Do you have any ideas on how to beat it? I’m still wondering what I should do……]
Last night after her Trial, Emilia must’ve spent the whole night asking herself this question instead of sleeping.
It must’ve been like this, trapped in this vortex of soul-abrading thoughts, that she passed out in the end.
[Subaru: Emilia… earlier you said that you wanted to melt the ice and thank everyone…]
[Emilia: Mm]
[Subaru: But why do you feel this way?]
Emilia had been cruelly treated by those people who were closest to her.
So for what reason would she want to save those men and women, trapped beneath the ice?
[Subaru: Your last memories of them were how they cursed and rejected you, right? After those cruel and hateful things they said to you…… why do you still want to help them?]
[Emilia: ――Subaru… if I said a bunch of awful things to you now, would you no longer want to help me?]
[Subaru: ――――]
He fell speechless.
Emilia’s amethyst eyes were gazing at Subaru, full of sincerity, and the indecisive weakness in her pupils had vanished as she answered.
[Emilia: Yes, my last memories of everyone was painful…… but just because that was what happened at the end, that doesn’t invalidate all the time we’ve spent together. We’ve shared many good memories, too]
[Subaru: …………]
[Emilia: I don’t want to forget those, while only remembering how they hurt me…… I want to save everyone so we can laugh and smile together again……. I know it’s greedy of me, but that’s how I feel…]
Saying this, Emilia held her hands to her lips as she peeked at Subaru’s reaction.
She looked as though she had just accidentally voiced some ugly part of herself and was afraid of being despised for it.
Perceiving Emilia’s unease, Subaru thought to himself,
――She’s just the kind of person who couldn’t go without finding that wish greedy, huh.
[Emilia: ――Subaru?]
[Subaru: Nothing, I was just thinking… that you’re completely right]
Even if they only wanted to hurt her in the end, that didn’t mean all the bonds and memories they’ve shared had disappeared.
Rem and Ram had both killed Subaru in the past, but that didn’t stop him from striving his best to save them, and it was those same feelings that had kept him going during those loops starting from the Capital.
What Emilia felt was just what Subaru himself had felt―― that’s all.
[Subaru: ――――]
But just when he felt this sense of relief, Subaru noticed the greatest incongruity yet.
Just how could he have overlooked such an astoundingly obvious discrepancy?
[Emilia: ――Subaru?]
Seeing Subaru staring at her with his face frozen stiff, Emilia’s eyes wavered with confusion. Yet, despite realizing that he was worrying her, Subaru still couldn’t pull himself together. Because,
――Inside Emilia’s heart, she had already reached her answer to her past.
[Subaru: ――――]
Deep in Great Elior Forest, the Elven tribe she had once spent her days together with are sleeping, frozen in ice. In that remembered past, on the day the forest was buried by snow, Emilia had endured all the malice of the people she had trusted, and yet, she proclaimed without hesitation that she wanted to save them, and thank them.
That is the decisive answer to the past she had tried to avoid.
If Subaru’s resolve to admit his stupidity and say goodbye to his parents in his past met the conditions for passing the First Trial, then Emilia’s determination here should be deemed just as worthy.
And yet, the Trial refused to recognize that she had fulfilled its conditions.
Perhaps, it was because Subaru had woken her and interrupted the Trial. But even in the previous loops after the first night, when Subaru wasn’t there to wake her, never once had she passed the Trial.
Was Emilia’s answer just not suited for the Trial that was given to her?
[Subaru: But, that’s…….]
If Echidona is the one ruling on the Trials, could the worthiness of the answer simply depend on the Witch’s mood at the time? Yet, Echidona herself had declared that it doesn’t matter what answer she is given, but merely that she receives an answer.
It’s unlike her to reject an answer given by a challenger. Yet, assuming that’s true―― it did occur to Subaru that maybe, for whatever reason, she was rejecting only Emilia’s answer.
It tormented his heart to consider it.
Because to consider it would be to recognize the possibility that “Only Emilia can never break through the Trials”.
[Subaru: As if I could just accept that…… I’m begging you, Echidona…]
[Emilia: Subaru, what’s wrong? Did I say something strange again……?]
[Subaru: No… it’s not you, Emilia. If anything, it’s a problem with the examiner. ……Now, you said you wanted to melt the ice and save everyone, but… were you not able to? Before Roswaal brought you outside, you and Puck were living inside the forest, right? There must’ve been plenty of time to try…]
Although he knew it was a cruel question, Subaru still asked it.
Having heard Emilia’s past, Subaru understood that freeing those people from the ice would only mean having those same people showering abuses upon Emilia once more.
Emilia herself must’ve agonized about this many times over. Her nails dug into her arms as she cast down her eyes,
[Emilia: I’ve tried with Puck many times, but…… I couldn’t melt the ice]
[Subaru: When you say you couldn’t melt it… do you mean mentally couldn’t or… physically couldn’t……?]
Even if it was a mental reason, Subaru had no intention of blaming her.
It’s not easy to do something that you know for a fact will hurt you, that’s the same for anyone.
However, at Subaru’s question, Emilia weakly replied [Physically couldn’t… I think],
[Emilia: That ice is a special ice…… it wouldn’t melt no matter what we tried from the outside. Maybe only the one who cast the spell could reverse it, or we’ll need something even more powerful…… that’s why I accepted Roswaal’s proposal……]
[Subaru: Proposal……?]
[Emilia: Ah……]
Seeing Subaru’s brows furrow, Emilia covered her mouth as if she had just said something she shouldn’t have.
However, faced with Subaru’s silent gaze, Emilia’s shoulders immediately dropped,
[Emilia: Roswaal, we…… made an agreement]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: He came with an emblem, asked me to hold it…… and once he saw the gem glow red, he told me about the Royal Selection…… and he said…]
Perhaps, the fact that he’d find Emilia in the forest and that the emblem would glow when she held it were also written in the Gospel.
Subaru could almost see―― in his imaginings, Roswaal’s strange smile as he reached out towards Emilia and said:
[Emilia: ――“If you can ascend to the throne, then surely, your wish to melt the ice in this forest can also be fulfilled”]
[Subaru: ……and you believed him?]
[Emilia: I was pretty desperate, I guess. He didn’t tell me the details of how to melt the ice, but…… I accepted his offer, and left the forest with Roswaal. Puck…… he didn’t object, but just came with me without saying anything]
[Subaru: So that’s why you decided to participate in the Royal Selection…… before, when you said you had a selfish reason…… that’s what you meant?]
Emilia once said that, unlike the other candidates, she was participating in the Royal Selection for a very selfish reason. Subaru had avoided prying into the details thus far, but now everything was finally coming together.
[Emilia ……You must think I’m terrible, right?]
While Subaru pieced this together in his mind, Emilia quietly murmured.
When he looked up, he saw Emilia timidly watching him with her lips quivering.
[Emilia: All the others…… everyone has an amazing resolve as their reason for competing in the Royal Selection, but mine’s just a reeaally personal problem]
[Subaru: But I think wanting to help everyone in that village is really amazing as well. The number of people you’re helping doesn’t diminish how amazing your motive is…… and you weren’t lying when you said what you said in the Royal Selection Hall, right?]
[Emilia: What I said in the Royal Selection Hall……]
[Subaru: That you want to see everyone treated as equals… I don’t think those words were a lie]
At first, maybe she was just seeking some resolution to circumstances which were beyond her control. But, as Emilia learned of the outside world and of the largeness of a hundred years of time, surely, she would have had a chance to think.
Subaru didn’t feel that the words she spoke at the Royal Selection Hall were just insincere, superficial varnish.
If those were her genuine thoughts, and her reasons for wanting to win the Royal Selection remain the same even now, Subaru would have no cause to look down on her.
[Subaru: So it’s alright, you don’t have to look so worried. I’m on your side and you can rely on me, that hasn’t changed since last night. My shoulders are yours, even if you say that you’re fine]
[Emilia: Ah…… um, about last night……]
[Subaru: Don’t, I’ll feel horrible if you apologize. Well, I’ll just say this… I’ll always stay at your side where you can lean on me whenever you need me. Even though I’m happy to see you stand on your own, it’s fine to be a little weak once in a while as well]
Thumping his hand to his chest, Subaru relaxed his lips, and saw Emilia let out a relieved sigh. Then instantly, as if being overtaken by that relief, her upper body began swaying,
[Emilia: Now that I feel relieved… suddenly, I……]
[Subaru: That’s because you just had a terrible dream and didn’t get much sleep. Don’t push yourself, it’s alright to take a little nap. I won’t do anything, just stay here and watch over you]
[Emilia: Although that part about “won’t do anything” reeaally bothers me……]
While somewhat minding by that unnecessarily-appended statement, Emilia’s silver hair went on swaying as she fought the temptation to sleep. Subaru placed his fingers on her forehead, and gently pushed her slender body down.
[Emilia: Aa……]
[Subaru: Don’t worry, just get to sleep]
Without leaving any room for debate, he laid her down on the bed.
Drawing the sheets over her delicate figure, Subaru pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat himself down where he could better observe Emilia’s face as she slept.
[Subaru: You’ve been talking non-stop, and your head must be exhausted, so if what I said could relax you a little…… then get some nice rest. Because we’ll need you to do your best again tonight]
[Emilia: ……Is it really alright to spoil me like this?]
[Subaru: Of course it is. Just keep getting more and more spoiled. I’ll pamper you till you’re so spoiled that you’re all rotten inside]
Seeing Subaru give her a shrug, Emilia quietly laughed as she lay on the bed. Then, still keeping her gaze on Subaru, Emilia slowly reached out her arm from under the sheets,
[Emilia: ――hand]
[Subaru: Hm?]
[Emilia: If you’re going to spoil me, will you…… hold my hand? Just until I fall asleep, please?]
[Subaru: Ooho, leave it to me]
Subaru took her small, delicate hand, smiling as he savored the luxurious smoothness of her palm. Emilia smiled in return as she followed Subaru’s advice and softly closed her eyes.
It didn’t take long before she exhaled a quiet breath of sleep.
[Subaru: ……I hope you can have some good dreams, for just a little while]
Watching Emilia as she lay quietly in bed, Subaru gently brushed aside the few strands of silver hair on her forehead and dropped his eyes to the hand still holding his.
If feeling someone else’s existence like this could free her from the loneliness of her dreams, then he’d be glad. Because to be left alone in this room, endlessly tormented by nightmares, would be far too cruel for her.
[Subaru: Well, anyway…… sure learned a lot today]
Sitting there, holding her hand, Subaru straightened his back as he chewed over the details of their conversation.
Emilia’s past, and her reason for competing in the Royal Selection. Roswaal’s proposal as he brought her outside, and why Emilia had no choice but to accept it.
And most importantly, Emilia’s Trial, and its true motives for rejecting her even though she should have already reached her answer―― leaving those loose ends untied, and having put Emilia to sleep, here he was.
[Subaru: ――――]
Quietly, he gazed at Emilia as she slept.
It might’ve been that it pained him to see her so frail, and so he decided to postpone it for now―― but that wasn’t why. There was a reason Subaru put off getting those essential answers and practically forced her to go to sleep.
Something that would’ve been impossible to do―― if Emilia was still awake.
[Subaru: But, all things considered…… this is all I can think of]
Over the past loops, the details that tugged at him and other circumstantial evidence all forced him to consider this possibility. But there was only one way to be sure, and it can be easily done now.
And, if he is right, it would definitely be the light to break through this darkness――
He breathed in, and held his breath.
While listening to the thumping of his own heart and the rushing of his blood, Subaru reached out to confirm it.
Opposite his right hand, which was holding Emilia’s, Subaru reached out with his left―― towards the center of her slender, pale neck while she soundly slept, and,
[Subaru: You aren’t really sleeping, are you?]
He felt its cold, hard touch at his fingertips.
Straining his voice as he said this, the words nevertheless came out.
A few moments passed in silence, and just when Subaru’s heart began to blaze with burning impatience―― suddenly,
{Ah, so you’ve noticed. ――I’m so glad, Subaru}
From inside the green crystal at his fingertips, the androgynous voice of a spirit echoed directly within Subaru’s skull.
-=Chapter 91 End=-
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