Volume 4, Chapter 90 [――I’m Sorry]
――Though he was supposed to have confirmed his resolve, the moment Subaru saw the waves of emotion in her tearing eyes, he felt himself struck with regret.
Asking her that question was no different from ripping open the scars inside Emilia’s heart―― clawing at her unhealed wounds while using “concern” as his justification.
The pain of this realization was no less than the pain he must have made her feel.
[Subaru: The Tomb’s Trial shows you the past…… that’s what everyone told me]
[Emilia: ――――hk]
But, in search of what lay beyond that pain, Subaru treaded even deeper.
Biting down on her lips, a tremor flashed across Emilia’s expression, but her trembling pupils did not look away from Subaru.
For now, he decided it’d be best to avoid mentioning that he had taken the Trial. He wasn’t going to make the sort of frivolous comment like “If I can beat it, you can beat it too”, especially not now that his qualifications had been revoked. Besides, even if he did, she might very well mistake it for a comforting lie.
If that’s how it’s going to turn out, then he might as well just tell Emilia his honest feelings.
[Subaru: I’m guessing that’s why you came back like this… You’re agonizing and hurting, yet you keep it all to yourself, and…… you’re going to challenge the Trial again tonight, aren’t you]
[Emilia: ――――]
Through those four repeating worlds, Emilia had never conveyed the details of her Trial to Subaru. This was partly because Subaru had been practically ignoring her right to challenge the Trials by deciding that she didn’t need to be the one to clear them, but also because Emilia never had a chance to talk about it with Subaru.
The former had been resolved by the fact that Emilia was now the only one who could challenge the Trials, and ideally, the latter was in the process of being resolved this very moment.
Hearing this, Emilia’s cheeks stiffened as she cast down her gaze.
But before her eyes and their long lashes completely left him, Subaru continued.
[Subaru: But, still]
[Emilia: ――――]
[Subaru: The crushing burden you’re carrying, won’t you share some of it with me? If your past is something you’re afraid to look back on, how about letting me stand by your side as you meet it?]
The downward tilt of her head halted as she timidly looked up at Subaru once more.
He mustn’t let her see the weak, indecisive self that he was. And so, with entirely unwarranted abounding confidence, Subaru puffed out his chest as he accepted Emilia’s gaze.
After all, bluffing and baseless self-confidence were precisely Subaru’s specialties.
[Subaru: Come to think of it, I barely know anything about you, Emilia. I like you.. and part of it’s because I really like the way you look, but in the time we spent together, everything that I’ve seen of what you’re like on the inside has made me fall unbearably in love with you…]
[Emilia: ――――]
[Subaru: And that’s why I can say with my head held high that I like you just the way you are now. But, as for what you went through, how you felt, and what you thought before you became the person you are now…… I don’t know a thing about that. Because I didn’t feel I needed to know. Because the present and future are more important than the past. …..But]
[Emilia: ……but?]
[Subaru: Now, you’re in a situation where you need to look back on your past, and if you’re saying you’re afraid to face it alone…… will you give me permission to stand beside you so we can face what must be faced together?]
His permission to suffer Emilia’s hardships for her had already been revoked.
So now, Subaru was asking for the permission to support Emilia from her side, and give her his shoulder to lean on when she is exhausted and close to collapse.
It might only amount to a superficial consolation, but surely, there will be a time when that consolation means all the difference.
[Emilia: ――――]
Subaru waited intently for Emilia’s reply.
The wavering of her eyes spoke volumes of the intense conflict inside her. Hesitation and indecision, guilt and self-loathing. The various emotions raged inside Emilia’s slender body in a voracious frenzy.
Until finally, Emilia quietly muttered,
[Emilia: Just, by being here…… you’re already helping me just by being here for me…… and so, to trouble you any further would……]
[Subaru: Being troubled by Emilia isn’t trouble for me at all. It makes me happy to be able to do something for you. And when you’re in trouble and want someone to offer you a hand… I want to be the first person to reach out and help you]
[Emilia: ――h]
Subaru proclaimed once more as Emilia weakly tried to dismiss his proposal.
As long as Emilia doesn’t refuse him outright, Subaru had no intention of withdrawing. He was well aware that he was treading on a topic she didn’t want to talk about, and no amount of half-hearted refusals was going to dissuade him.
It wasn’t with such flimsy resolve that Subaru had forced that contract upon Roswaal.
Still conflicted, Emilia firmly closed her eyes and drooped her head.
[Emilia: Subaru……]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: Subaru, do you really believe……]
The words that were supposed to follow did not leave Emilia’s lips. Her nobility would not allow her to give voice to those cowardly words.
She could not do something so disgraceful as to doubt the person appealing to her with sincerity.
If she did, she’d be making the same mistake as when Subaru tried to impose his selfishness upon her.
Even when cornered, Emilia’s spirit did not lose its dignity.
And so, Subaru did not pursue the matter further while Emilia slumped her shoulders, regretting those words.
[Emilia: ……Ask me what you want to know, Subaru]
[Subaru: …………]
[Emilia: If I’m the one explaining it, it’ll just turn into an incoherent mess. ……So, it’ll be better if you ask the questions]
[Subaru: ……is that alright?]
[Emilia: ――Mm. I’ll just think of it as another one of my Trials]
Emilia said resignedly, her smile fleeting, and for a moment, Subaru was left at a loss for words.
Then, shaking his head to compose himself, Subaru pointed at the bed, suggesting a change of location.
[Subaru: Anyway, this might be a long conversation, so how about we sit down?]
[Emilia: ……Yeah, you’re right]
Correcting her posture, Emilia seated herself on the bed. Subaru pulled over a chair, and sat down facing Emilia.
Smoothing out the wrinkles on her clothes, Emilia waited for Subaru to speak.
Having reached that crucial juncture, Subaru hesitated for only a few seconds on what to ask first, before coming up with the words.
[Subaru: What kind of past did you see in the Trial, Emilia? Going by what I heard from someone who knows…… it’s something like the memories of your regrets?]
Subaru asked, carefully choosing his words so that she wouldn’t notice that he had taken it.
The First Trial was facing your past. But that doesn’t mean the past that Subaru saw was “A past that actually happened”. What it was was a fresh theatrical production based on his guilt and regrets towards his family in his original world.
So then, just what was the Trial like for Emilia?
Listening to Subaru’s question, Emilia remoistened her parched lips, and,
[Emilia: The…… past that I saw, was…… probably a memory from before I went to sleep]
[Subaru: ――? Before you went to sleep……?]
[Emilia: Yes, before I went to sleep. The memory is vague, and not very clear, but…… in it, I was still small, so that’s only to be expected]
Emilia closed her eyes as she searched through her memories, while Subaru seemed to be confused by her explanation.
He could understand what she meant by “I was still small”. Most likely, the Trial was showing her past from when she was young.
But, “Before I went to sleep”―― was the part Subaru couldn’t understand.
[Subaru: Hold on… what do you mean before you went to sleep? It’s not like when you go to bed at night, right?]
[Emilia: No, it’s not. Before I went to sleep was…… before I fell asleep inside the ice in a great tree in the forest. That was reeaally, really long ago]
[Subaru: “Inside the ice”…… what’s that supposed to mean?]
With no context being given, Subaru wasn’t sure if she was making it impossible to understand on purpose.
But regardless, Subaru’s imagination brandished its claws, dragging its chilling edges down his spine.
Feeling the burning impatience pounding against his chest, Subaru tried to keep himself calm as best as he could.
[Subaru: Please answer me… Emilia. What do you mean “Inside the ice in a great tree”?]
[Emilia: ……It’s exactly what it sounds like]
[Subaru: ――――]
Pausing for a beat, Emilia looked up and told Subaru.
[Emilia: All that time, I was frozen with the great tree in the forest. And it was only after a reeaally, really long time…… that Puck found me]
{???: ――I’ve finally found you}
――Who’s there?
{???: Sorry… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… for leaving you here alone. I’ve been searching forever. Constantly, and constantly, I’ve been searching and searching for you}
――Where… am I? It’s so… cold.
{???: I’ll get you out right away. ……Such a lonely place, all by yourself…… why did a child have to go through…… why did it take me so long to……}
――Say… who are you? Why…’re you crying?
{???: ――Because you’re the most lovely thing in this world. Because I’m so happy to see you again}
――You’re… that glad?
{???: Yes. It was for you…… it was in order to see you again, that I was reborn}
――Who are you?
{???: I…… I’m your greatest companion. Your one greatest, truest companion}
――Then, you’re my……
{???: ――Yes, that’s right. From this day forth, I will be your family. From this moment onward, you’ll never be alone again. ――This, I promise you}
――Really? Then, I’m……
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
[Emilia: ――reeaally glad]
Emilia held her hands to her chest, reminiscing on a happier time.
Listening to her words, Subaru felt his mouth rapidly drying.
Emilia, sleeping inside the ice.
In the Great Tree of Prayers of her homeland. Frozen within its trunk, Emilia remained there until Puck saved her.
Just how long a time was it――?
[Subaru: Emilia… the place you lived in would be Elior Forest, right? The one that was frozen a long time ago, where the ice is gradually spreading even now?]
[Emilia: Mn, it is. By the time I woke up, they were calling it the “Ice Forest”. ――But it was a bright and luscious place bathed in sunlight before I went to sleep. It never snowed when I lived there with everyone]
[Subaru: Luscious…… no, more importantly… who’s everyone?]
Subaru didn’t know much about that place, so the before-and-after of Elior Forest was unknown to him. But here, it was something else that caught his attention.
[Emilia: Everyone is everyone. Everyone I lived with in the forest…… all the Elves]
[Subaru: The Elves…… then, your family was there too? Your mom and dad, and…… maybe siblings, too]
[Emilia: ――――]
However, seeing Emilia’s eyes filled with sadness, Subaru once again realized that he had misspoken.
Emilia must’ve said it at some point before. That Puck was like her foster parent, and her only family.
Subaru was supposed to have known that Emilia had lost her family in one fashion or another.
[Subaru: I’m sor…… I didn’t mean……]
[Emilia: It’s fine. You’re just worried for me, Subaru. ……But my family wasn’t in the forest. Everyone in the village was very kind to me, and always smiled at me, but…… I had no blood-relatives in that forest]
[Subaru: ……if there’s no one, then, your parents are……?]
At that question, Emilia quietly shook her head.
She fiddled with the ends of her braid as if to distract herself, then,
[Emilia: They were both gone by the time I was self-aware. I didn’t think it was all that strange at the time. ……I did have someone who was like a mother to me… who was reeaally kind, and strong, and cool…… I had someone like that]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: But that person, and everyone else…… when I fell asleep, they all went to sleep as well. Even now, deep in Elior Forest, so many people remain there in unwaking sleep]
[Subaru: Hha――!?]
Speaking in a dispassionate voice, Emilia seemed to be tasking herself to state only the facts. Subaru’s throat clogged up at the content of her words, but Emilia paid it no mind as she continued.
[Emilia: After I woke up, Puck and I went on watching over everyone sleeping. So that someday, when someone wakes up like I did, they wouldn’t feel lost, not knowing anything…… thinking this, we stayed there]
[Subaru: ……Hold on a second]
The information load was so dense that Subaru’s brain was struggling to keep up.
What on earth happened in Elior Forest on the day Emilia first saw it snow?
[Subaru: From what I know, Elior Forest began freezing…… a little over a hundred years ago…… I mean, I must’ve heard it while I was in the Royal Selection Hall or something]
[Emilia: Mm. I was reeaally surprised too when I went to study at the Mansion and learned of this]
[Subaru: So, you were there when Elior Forest first froze, right? Do you know how it happened?]
[Emilia: ――No, I don’t]
Emilia shook her head to Subaru’s question.
Seeing Subaru furrow his brows, she looked down with a pained expression.
[Emilia: I really don’t. Whatever happened back then…… I can’t remember it clearly at all. All I remember is that I was little, and I was terribly scared. But since I went on sleeping for so long, those memories are vague too……]
[Subaru: You mentioned that you were little… but about how old were you back then?]
[Emilia: ……I think… I was around seven]
[Subaru: Seven…… and it’s safe to assume that Elves count their age the same way as humans, right?]
At this, Emilia nodded.
If Elves count their age the way people normally do, then it’d increment by one every passing year. Elves are well known to be a long-living race, and Emilia, being a Half-Elf, should be the same. On the other hand, even the long-living Elves must go through a childhood, so the seven-year-old Emilia was beyond any blame.
Although, with some simple arithmetics, this means that Emilia’s current age would be seven plus a-hundred-odd years.
[Subaru: The age gap’s nothing to worry about at this point… And considering we’re from different worlds to begin with, that’s nothing, really…]
[Emilia: ……Subaru, what’s wrong? Did I say something funny, or……]
[Subaru: Nope, nope. I was just thinking that you and me have a really serious age gap, that’s all]
While putting his thoughts in order and catching his breath, Subaru threw in a joke to lighten the mood. Although the joke was probably lost on her, Emilia’s tense cheeks did relax somewhat as she let out a small sigh,
[Emilia: We do… but since I was asleep and unconscious for so long, I’m not really sure I’ve matured to my real age……]
[Subaru: Really? I don’t exactly know how fast Elves grow, but if it’s anything like humans, I’d say you’re pretty matured]
Subaru casually looked over Emilia on the bed before snorting off her worries.
Her limbs were fully grown, and her body had all the curvatures of femininity. Her melancholy amethyst eyes and dream-like features anointed her with a mysterious beauty, traveling in between that of a girl and woman.
Emilia was plenty enough matured already.
But it seems Subaru was missing the point of Emilia’s worries, while with a [No], she shook her head.
[Emilia: Sleeping in the ice did not stop time for me, but only put my consciousness to sleep. So my body kept growing even inside the ice. Controlling my body felt so different from when I went to sleep that, for a time after I woke, I stumbled over so many things]
[Subaru: So being in that ice…… also has its flaws, huh]
Having her seven-year-old body when she fell asleep turned into a fully-grown woman when she woke must have been bewildering for her.
It happens quite a lot in animes and mangas for children to have their bodies suddenly turned into adults, and the adaptation must not be easy. It’s only natural that Emilia would’ve been distressed by the discrepancy between her mind and body.
[Emilia: When Roswaal brought me out of the forest to study outside…… and I learned that I had slept for nearly a hundred years, I was reeaally shocked. To find out that I had been sleeping for so long…]
[Subaru: If people age normally inside the ice… then for anyone other than long-living Elves it’d be all ov……]
“Over”, was what he was about to say, when he noticed that he had just been told an incredible fact.
Shutting his eyes, Subaru quietly put the numbers together in his head. Adding and subtracting, and then rechecking it several times just to be sure, his doubts turned into definite suspicion.
[Subaru: Hey, Emilia…… you just said you slept for almost a hundred years?]
[Emilia: I did, yeah……?]
[Subaru: And you were about seven before you went to sleep, right?]
[Emilia: I was. Subaru, what’s……]
[Subaru: Emilia. How long has it been since Puck woke you up?]
At least, from what he had heard, Roswaal brought Emilia out of the forest about half a year ago. Which means Emilia would have lived with Puck in Elior Forest until then. The question is, how much time had passed between her falling asleep, waking, and meeting Roswaal?
Still with a troubled expression, Emilia placed her finger to her lips.
[Emilia: ……About, six or seven years…… or so]
[Subaru: ――――]
Hearing Emilia’s answer, Subaru’s suspicion turned into absolute conviction.
The fact shocked through Subaru’s body like a lightning bolt.
Seven years after she was born, she spent nearly one hundred years sleeping, then spent another seven years awake.
Which would mean that――
――Emilia is around 107 years old. Looks like she’s 18. While mentally, she’s 14.
[Subaru: Her actual age, apparent age, and mental age…… are all messed up……]
That kind of discrepancy was only possible because she is an Elf.
So many questions Subaru had about Emilia’s behavior up to now suddenly made sense.
Subaru had found her rather ignorant to flattery for an over-a-century-old Elf, and he couldn’t help noticing her disproportionate lack of experience of being around people, plus the cuteness of her occasionally childlike demeanor was always quite conspicuous.
So all of it was the result of having spent the majority of her life in the ice…
[Subaru: Fourteen…… that’s no different than Felt……]
Why did a girl this young have to shoulder such great responsibility? Subaru’s irritation towards the Royal Selection and for Roswaal was only mounting.
Then, reflecting on how the topic he brought up to lighten the mood had completely derailed, Subaru cut into another certainly-not-unrelated topic.
[Subaru: Earlier, you said you don’t know why the forest was frozen. So then what did you see in the Trial? That vague memory of before you were frozen…… that’s what you saw, right?]
[Emilia: ……I think so. The scenery was definitely from before I went to sleep…… so I think it’s a memory of a time that really existed]
[Subaru: So then, maybe the fact that you’re so terrified of the memory is because in it you encountered whatever froze you and the other Elves, and you’re subconsciously rejecting it……]
[Emilia: ――That’s not…]
[Subaru: I mean, it doesn’t get scarier than that, right? The Trial shows you your greatest regret. So maybe what you’re seeing is……]
[Emilia: I said you’re wrong!]
Emilia shouted, shattering Subaru’s overheated train of thought.
But she immediately blinked as if regretting raising her voice, and then closed her eyes to shake off her hesitation as she turned her watery eyes to Subaru.
[Emilia: That’s not…… what I saw in the Trial. It wasn’t anything like that. ……What I saw was……]
[Subaru: E-Emil……]
[Emilia: ――Devil-child]
A chill like an icy spear pierced into Subaru’s spine.
Emilia buried her face in her hands, hiding her expression. From beyond her covered face, her voice continued quietly, without emotion.
[Emilia: The seed of disaster. Silver abomination. The creature that should never have been born. Source of all hatred. Unforgivable spirit. Demon. ――The Witch’s Daughter]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: Everyone who was kind to me, who smiled at me, said those things to me in the freezing snow, and……]
Emilia’s limbs, and her entire body, was faintly trembling.
[Emilia: I don’t remember anything that happened after I was inside the ice. But I can’t forget how everyone must have cursed me, frozen there. And how they must continue to curse me still]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: And so, I want to free everyone from the ice…… and apologize]
Absently, with her face in tears, Emilia looked up, as if seeing them, before quietly bowing her head.
[Emilia: I’m sorry I caused you trouble. ――Everyone, I love you all]
-=Chapter 90 End=-
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