Volume 4, Chapter 81 [Light]
After receiving that pep talk from Otto and Patrasche, Subaru’s heart was temporarily brought back from the depths of the abyss.
Quite frankly, there was a lot about the events inside the Dream Citadel that he still hadn’t swallowed down, but nevertheless, he must chew them and turn them into strength.
[Subaru: Well… won’t be getting any help from Echidona anymore……]
The Witch of Greed Echidona had put up a friendly facade as she observed Subaru’s struggles. But after their final exchange, he was now convinced that that wasn’t all of it, and that Witches are creatures who never stray from their principles.
This was made painfully clear by the other five Witches―― Sekhmet, Daphne, Camilla, Typhon, and Minerva. In Subaru’s eyes, they certainly weren’t evil beings. But by no means would he call them virtuous.
This was true even for Minerva, whose very creed was to heal others. The way she rushed with self-abandon to heal him, despite losing her arm and legs, was more horrific than noble.
As for the final Witch, Satella―― he would much rather not think about her for now.
His feelings for Satella, those incomprehensible emotions surging inside him: he instinctively knew that seeking their answers now, when he was so pressed for time, would be dangerous.
And those final words they exchanged at their parting. The last he saw of Satella―― just remembering her in that moment sent the insides of his chest into a frenzy, as if his heart would tear itself out.
And so, Subaru consciously avoided thinking about Satella, and instead directed his thoughts to other matters. That is, the last bit of advice Echidona had given him, and the question of whether he should take Satella at her word.
[Subaru: Be kinder to myself… it’s easy to say, but……]
From meeting Satella, and through the experience of the First and Second Trials, Subaru was made aware of the fact that those he wished to save from death would also grieve over his. ――And that, in his heart of hearts, he didn’t want to die.
But then, what could he do? Nothing had changed the fact that he had no other weapon at his disposal.
The multitudes of problems waiting to be solved hadn’t gone away. In fact, the number of people he could rely on to help him had only decreased.
Though his heart had slightly gotten back on his feet, everything else had only degraded rather than improved.
[Subaru: Rely on the people who care about me…… how am I supposed to do that……]
Just be honest and ask them for help. That’s probably what she meant.
But the one forbidding him from telling others was none other than Satella―― or, judging from the flow of the conversation, the one forbidding any mention of Return by Death was probably the persona of the Witch of Envy. Perhaps, Satella had different ideas than her alternate personality. And, in that final whisper――
[Subaru: ――Ugh, I already said this isn’t the time to be thinking about this]
Noticing that his thoughts were once again drifting towards Satella, Subaru stepped on the brakes.
What he needed to do was find to concrete plans to solve his problems.
[Subaru: Garfiel is… afraid of the outside world…… huh]
That was Echidona’s last piece of advice, and possibly the information needed to break through this situation.
Garfiel had practically confessed that he had taken the first Trial, and Echidona’s words had confirmed it.
The question was, what did he see in his past that made him afraid of the outside world?
The trauma of not being able to follow Frederica out of the Sanctuary to live in Roswaal’s Mansion couldn’t be unrelated to this.
But Subaru doubted Garfiel would divulge it freely if he asked him upfront.
[Subaru: Which means I’ll have to get it out of someone who knows…… Frederica or Lewes-san were both pretty tight-lipped about it……]
If Frederica’s words could be believed, then she was unable to follow Garfiel into the Tomb, and consequently, she would not be in a position to know the contents of the Trial. Lewes, on the other hand, or at least the Lewes clone who ran in to drag him out, had taken the Trial. There was a good chance that she might know the details of Garfiel’s Trial.
[Subaru: As much as I hate to do it…… the most reliable plan would be getting the Command Authority from the Lewes Meyer crystal and ordering her to tell me]
Not even the leader of the clones and the representative of the Sanctuary, Lewes, could disobey an order from the one holding the Command Authority. Even if it went against her wishes, he could force her to do it.
And more than just information, it would also mean obtaining the support of twenty-odd accomplices. At least, that was how he tried to convince himself.
[Subaru: ――――]
The image of the Sanctuary in flames, overrun by a horde of white rabbits, rose in his mind. As well as the wretched memory of ordering the Lewes-clones to protect him as he ran.
I must get to Emilia’s side. With that as his justification, Subaru mindlessly gave his order as he sprinted, wound-ridden, into the Tomb.
He had never regretted or reflected on his actions after the fact, but now that he looked back on it with a clear head, the callousness of his deed horrified him.
Especially now that he realized that it was out of his own pathetic desire not to die.
Was there a more arrogant, more shameless way he could have sent those girls to their deaths? Even though he insisted that he didn’t want to, he couldn’t trust himself anymore.
[Subaru: My head’s a mess…… I’m going too far into the negatives, damn it. My brain’s gonna explode if I keep thinking like this. Let’s go one by one, and eliminate the things that I can eliminate]
Questions and answers, untangle the problems. Start clearing them one at a time and then connect all the answered questions into a bigger solution.
Approach the problems so that it leads to a positive outcome. First,
[Subaru: Since I’ve passed the First Trial, I should be the one to liberate the Sanctuary. There’s no need to put any more burdens on Emilia. Or rather, since any more pressure would break her state of mind, that has to be avoided at all costs]
He could remember Emilia sweetly drawing closer in the snow-covered Sanctuary.
It was obviously the result of her mind breaking as she repeatedly challenged the Trial. Nothing good can come from making her face the Trials anymore.
[Subaru: Clearing the Trials will be my problem…… which brings us to the Second Trial. I managed to survive it, but…… does that mean I passed?]
The presents that were not to be―― just as the name suggests, are worlds that would have been if a different choice had been made. The Second Trial was precisely to experience such Parallel Worlds.
To anyone other than Subaru, it might simply have been an exploration of alternate paths that the world could have taken. But, to Subaru alone, the Trial truly bared its fangs.
Subaru was shown the continuations of the worlds in which he had failed.
Facing him was a myriad of regrets, consequences, and grief-stricken laments for his “Death”.
Taking them into his eyes and soaking them into his skin, Subaru’s heart was shattered to pieces.
Even now, recalling it sent chills coursing through his body and assaulted his limbs with inescapable numbness.
And, just when he was swallowed by the shrieking of his own heart, he was summoned to the Citadel of Dreams―― so now the question is, did he pass the Trial or not?
It doesn’t look like he passed.
But then, what would he have to do to clear the Second Trial? Unlike the First Trial, he couldn’t figure it out at all.
[Subaru: Just thinking about it won’t get me anywhere. ……I just have to do the things that I can do]
Shaking his head and clenching his indecisive heart, Subaru stood up. He pressed his hand against the mossy wall behind him and peered into the dark entrance of the Tomb.
He had been pondering here alone, with neither Patrasche or Otto at his side.
Embarrassed by the sheer stupidity of their last exchange, he had asked Otto to bring Patrasche back to the stables. In the end, although it consoled him to see Patrasche’s concerned gaze as she left, Subaru needed some time alone to sort over the various thoughts on his mind.
[Subaru: The primary problems that need addressing are the Sanctuary and the Mansion. In the Sanctuary are the Trials, Garfiel, and the Great Rabbit. In the Mansion are Beatrice and Elsa…… I’m fighting on too many fronts here]
With not a single solution in sight, he was just about falling into despair. But this was no time to be despairing. He must steadily eliminate his problems, one at a time―― while no longer treating his life as if it were disposable.
[Subaru: First is to confirm the status of the Trials. If the Second Trial has just started then all’s well, but if it’s completed and the Third Trial has started, that’s even better]
At least, if he could remove the Barrier sooner, that would help the situation greatly. He should start thinking about how to move Garfiel as well. In the worst case, when the Great Rabbit attacks, they’ll be able to escape outside. Even Garfiel wouldn’t be so stubborn when he is faced with the Great Rabbit.
Removing the Barrier would move the problems of the Sanctuary closer to resolution.
Thinking to this point, a faint glimmer of hope opened before Subaru’s eyes, bringing with it relief.
He had been racking his brain over the endless problems, but now he finally saw something that could be leading to the answer.
[Subaru: ――――]
Standing at the entrance of the Tomb, Subaru held his breath as he gazed into the darkness of the stone corridor.
If he enters, the Trial would start, and he may be faced with another present that was not to be. Subaru could never get used to those scenes, no matter how many times he saw them.
But he knew that he was not allowed to ignore or forget them.
If he cannot escape, then he must face that challenge.
Subaru inhaled a deep breath, held it inside, and stepped forward.
Venturing into the Tomb, he would challenge the Trials and release the Sanct――
[Subaru: ――――!?]
The moment he stepped inside, a sensation swept over him like a punch to the skull.
The pain was like needles stabbing directly into his brain as light scattered before his vision while his legs gave way. His upper body toppled, and, unable to stand, Subaru collapsed on the spot.
Intense nausea surged up, wrenching out the contents of his stomach as he choked on its bile. He coughed, but no matter how much he did so his body would not be appeased.
Alarms, alarms, the alarm bells were ringing.
Caught in this cycle of discord and dissonance, Subaru panted as he tumbled towards the Tomb’s exterior. Instinctively, he knew. If he takes one step deeper inside, the torment racking his body would explode in ferocity.
[Subaru: U, gh…… hha, ph, ua]
Tumbling out of the Tomb and throwing his hands onto the grass, Subaru puked over and over.
The moment his body completely exited the Tomb, the agony tormenting his body fell away. The headache, the nausea, the numbness of his limbs all faded as Subaru looked up with his teary eyes,
[Subaru: A… ugh…… what was… that……?]
He looked to the entrance, but just as he reached out his hand to crawl towards it, a primordial rejection rose inside him.
It wasn’t in fear of the trauma from the Trial or anything of the sort. ――It was simply that he understood that the Tomb had rejected him.
[Subaru: What, is……]
It rejected him. Understanding this, Subaru immediately realized what had happened to him.
Patrasche was injured when she went inside to bring him out. Roswaal was severely wounded when he went in to challenge the Trials. The Tomb rejects those who lack the qualifications to challenge the Trials. And it had just done so to Subaru.
[Subaru: That can’t be…… I mean, that would……]
Standing up, tottering, Subaru mustered the courage to face the Tomb once more.
But, in just one step, the moment his foot entered the headache and nausea returned as the overwhelming malaise crushed him so that he couldn’t even stand.
[Subaru: Hha…… hha, hhah……h]
Stumbling back drawing ragged breaths, Subaru pulled away from the entrance of the Tomb. This attempt only confirmed what he had already realized.
[Subaru: That… vile……]
Floating into his mind was the white-haired Witch in her funerary dress.
At their parting, surely, she was asking Subaru,
“Will you take my hand, or will you take Satella’s?”
And Subaru turned down her hand to choose Satella’s.
If this was her revenge for his choice, then that’s just far too――
[Subaru: And just when I thought……!]
In the very, very end, that apparent gesture of goodwill that had made him almost think fondly of her,
{Echidona: ――You’re not wrong in the least?}
Hearing the mischievous voice of the Witch he should not be hearing, he turned his head to the sky,
[Subaru: Revoking my qualifications…… you said nothing about this, ECHIDONAAA!!!]
――Natsuki Subaru had lost the qualifications to challenge the Trials to liberate the Sanctuary.
-=Chapter 81 End=-
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