Volume 4, Chapter 77 [All Alone……]
How to describe the impact that shocked through Subaru’s entirety the moment he heard that confession of love?
He felt the illusion of a bolt of lightning piercing him from head to toe.
Every pore of his body opened as goosebumps carpeted his skin, while the blood coursing through his veins seethed to a virulent boil. The thumping heartbeats in his chest flushed him red from the neck-up, as, roughly panting, Subaru stumbled one step backward.
He couldn’t stand there any longer.
If he kept standing there, his breaths would reach her, his fingertips would reach her.
If he didn’t get away from her now while he could still keep his instincts in check, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.
And if that happens, Subaru would be swept away by “Love”――
[Subaru: Stop……]
[Satella: I love you]
[Subaru: Please, stop……]
[Satella: I’ve always, will always, love only you]
[Subaru: I told you to stop――!!]
Shaking his head and swinging his arm, Subaru wrested his attention away from her hot, entangling gaze.
Still, Satella’s expression remained invisible to Subaru. And so, he couldn’t tell just what emotions were harbored within those eyes.
Yet the feverish pounding in his chest showed no signs of abating.
Only by consciously suppressing that feeling, desperately crying out, thrusting her with that rejection as if he was spitting out blood, could Subaru manage to preserve his fundamental self. If he didn’t maintain this effort to keep himself conscious, he was certain that his very existence would distort. And that thought terrified him to no end.
Blatantly rejecting her, flinging his open disgust, and slapping her with that truth, Subaru screamed, while Satella only stood there as before.
Her unseen expression remained behind a veil of darkness. Indiscernible. Impossible to read. And yet, somehow, Subaru could tell that Satella was being injured by those words, and was now casting down her gaze. Somewhere within his heart, was an urge to caress her hair, console her to ease her pained expression, and whisper her his love so that perhaps she might smile again.
Even as he tried to reject it, his heart was insisting that he “Loved” Satella.
[Subaru: Wh…… what are you!? What did you do to me!? Like Return by Death… did you put something in me to manipulate my heart!?]
Subaru poured all of his distrust for his disobedient heart at Satella.
Just why was his heart suddenly reacting in a way that was utterly contrary to his understanding? If this overwhelming emotion inside him was also the doing of this unnatural Witch, then that’d be simply far too horrifying.
Twisting people’s hearts to one’s will―― would be the lowest, most abhorrent act.
The first glimmer of light Natsuki Subaru ever received in this world was his “Crush” on Emilia.
Lost, and without a heading in that initial desperation, he was indebted to Emilia for extending him her hand, and his memories still told of her rescuing his heart just when it was all but abraded away. Even now, her existence had not lost even a fraction of that luster.
Over the days he spent repeating the loops starting from Death, fighting alone through countless adversities, the number of precious people he wanted to protect had only grown, while the words, bonds, and feelings he shared with them slowly accumulated inside him.
By now, he could no longer say that his feelings for Emilia was his primary motivation.
But even so, Emilia was still the first ray of light Natsuki Subaru had received. And now Satella was demanding that same “Crush” for herself.
Even though there was no word exchanged, no touch of warmth, no time spent together, no bond accrued, and nothing whatsoever shared between them, she was demanding “Love” from him.
What could one call this, if not heinous?
[Subaru: You, and Echidona…… you’re both insane! This…… this place is just full of incomprehensible bastards! I’m fucking sick of it!]
To the faceless Witch in front and the white-haired Witch behind him, Subaru screamed without hiding his disgust.
Satella, who sought to extort from him this baseless affection, and Echidona, who would entangle others to sate her devious curiosity, were both monsters beyond Subaru’s understanding.
[Echidona: It’s rather upsetting to be lumped together with that thing. Even though we are both technically Witches, to me, that is a vulgar creature several magnitudes below Witches. But, “Incomprehensible”, now you’re not wrong there]
[Subaru: Just shut up. You pretend to be friendly, but I haven’t forgotten how deceitful you are. ……Enough. There’s no point in me staying here. Let me out. I don’t wanna be involved with you people anymore!]
Cursing at Echidona, Subaru hugged his head and pleaded to be freed from her Dream Citadel.
He couldn’t stand another second in front of Satella and Echidona. There were enough things Subaru needed to worry about, now was not the time to be looking for more.
He wasn’t omniscient, and there was a limit to how much he could handle. Yet why do the problems keep mounting, one after another, when the obstacles were already so stacked against him?
[Subaru: I’ll never ask for any of your help again… All the problems outside, I’ll deal with them myself. ――That’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it!? That’s what I should’ve done from the start……]
[Minerva: And then? So it’s back to dying over and over, making heaps of people cry while telling yourself “This is information-gathering, there’s no helping it”? Heh, good for you]
Minerva crossed her arms and snorted at Subaru’s words of definite parting. Then, seeing Subaru return her a glare, Minerva’s unruffled face reddened,
[Minerva: What. Got something to say for yourself?]
[Subaru: Like it has anything to do with you. The pain, the anguish, the wounds, the abrasions because of Return by Death, all that’s got to do with is me! What right do you have to complain about it!?]
[Minerva: It’s easy for you to say that you’re ready for the pain, the suffering, and the anguish. Who cares about the feelings of those who have to watch you spew blood while your flesh gets flayed and your bones get crushed? You can always use the excuse that you’re the one who’s suffering the most]
[Subaru: What……!?]
[Minerva: Just because you’re taking on the most obvious, most visible wounds, you think the ones who receive lighter wounds as the results of your actions have no right to say anything. After all, you’re the one who’s hurting the most. Suffering the most. Enduring the most…… And so, naturally, the others around you should just shut up with their snivelling, right?]
Perhaps because of the rage building up as she spoke, Minerva’s tone intensified as Subaru bared his teeth. There was just no way Subaru could let those merciless words go unanswered.
[Subaru: You! You think I’m getting drunk on my own tragedy just so that I can shut everyone else up!? That this dead-end road I’m walking is just a fucking act!?]
[Minerva: No, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m telling you is that thinking “It’s alright as long as I’m hurting more than anyone else” is cowardly. I’m not a fan of Echidona’s devious methods, and I can’t for the life of me understand how roundabout Satella is…… but I think the way you twist things is way more sickening than us Witches]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Minerva: Above all, while I beat everything in order to heal them, the way you live is not only the opposite, but the antithesis of what I do. ――Isn’t that just way too ungrateful for what she’s doing for you?]
Holding out her small fist at Subaru, Minerva huffed out those words. Adding that quiet whisper at the end, she turned her blue eyes towards Satella.
Still standing there as before, Satella had stayed silent ever since Subaru showered her with his abuses, and made no indication of affirming or denying those words. Seeing this, Minerva narrowed her eyes, somewhat sadly.
But Subaru couldn’t care less about their sentimentality at this point.
[Subaru: Sickening…… ungrateful……?]
Catching Minerva’s last few words, with his face downcast, Subaru’s shoulders slightly trembled. The tremble grew larger, and, when Subaru lifted his face again, he was smiling.
It was far too ludicrous, how could he help but laugh?
[Subaru: The hell is that. Sickening or whatever… and just why do you think I chose to be like this? How did you think I got to this so-called twisted way of thinking? Whether it’s my methods or my mindset… isn’t that just the natural consequence of the fucking hand I was dealt!? ――Isn’t it!?]
[Satella: ――――]
[Subaru: And it was you! YOU! You were the reason I became like this!!]
Shrieking, Subaru threw all his rage at Satella, who had kept her silence up to now as if to escape her culpability.
It was by accepting Return by Death, using its characteristics to overcome his obstacles, enduring all varieties of hardships that Subaru had made it this far.
Tasting the despair of “Death” time and time again, letting it carve into his soul, turning it into his strength, Subaru got to where he was.
――And it was that same Natsuki Subaru’s wound-ridden path that made him this way.
[Subaru: The one taking on the wounds, the one suffering…! It’ll be me, all me, only me! If having me suffer is enough, then everything’ll turn out great, won’t it!? As long as I can hold it in, as long as I can bury the rage, the grief, everything, I won’t let despair touch anyone else no matter how painfully I have to die! From beginning to end, as long as I’m the only one who gets hurt, then it’s all fine, isn’t it!? What’s wrong with that!?]
Repeat with Return by Death, and, through trial and error, reach the optimal future. It was just as Echidona said. But rather than accept Echidona’s offer which would use that resolve to satisfy her own curiosity, he would continue to forge his path alone, just as he had always done.
Unlike Echidona, who would lure him into taking extra detours, if Subaru set his heart and mind to search for the optimal path, the number of retries would no doubt be less than if he went with her. It might very well be more times than he could count. But, even so, there was value in trying.
If at the other end of the bruise-laden Subaru’s outstretched arm was a future where no one else would be hurt, then,
[Subaru: I said you’re incomprehensible, that I’m sick of it, didn’t I? Yeah, sorry, my bad. There was not a shred of dishonesty in that feeling… but I should’ve thanked you. How did I forget? I actually forgot, how utterly ungrateful of me]
[Satella: ――――]
[Subaru: There is just one thing I have to thank you for. Thanks, for giving me Return by Death. It is all thanks to you. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to protect a single thing important to me. So I’ll be sure to keep relying on that power. So for that, and only that… I thank you]
He was prepared to go on through trial and error.
The option to flee from this fate had already been abolished a long time ago.
Ever since he said “Take my hand, and run away with me” and was rejected, the option to flee was gone.
He must fight on. For this was his oath, what she expected of him, and what she believed in him. Subaru will not run away, but keep on fighting.
Subaru was the man who would always stand back up. Otherwise, he would no longer be Rem’s hero.
[Subaru: That’s why… thank you for giving me this power. It’s thanks to you that this useless, worthless fool could turn those hopeless situ……]
[Satella: ――don’t]
[Subaru: situ…ations……]
Just as Subaru was going to pour out all the heat that had been pent up in his chest, Satella broke her silence with a murmur.
Hearing that single fragment, Subaru’s words dulled from their momentum. His face stiffened, waiting, begging to hear that whisper once more.
What did she say just now? It was like something he couldn’t bear to hear.
He held his breath, while Satella, after a brief silence, spoke again.
[Satella: ――Please… don’t cry. Don’t hurt. Don’t suffer. Don’t make… such a sad expression anymore]
Pleading, Satella whispered to Subaru.
Her words swept up violent tremors in his heart. Of rage, of shock, of a nondescript jumble of every emotion there is.
[Subaru: Y, you…… what d……]
Overwhelmed by the maelstrom of emotions, he didn’t know what to say.
Intense passion clogged up his throat as he merely opened and closed his mouth, staring at Satella.
Before the wavering Subaru, Satella continued with her sedition.
[Satella: And so, love…]
[Subaru: Is… is that what it comes down to? ……You want to twist my emotions until I finally love you? Is that what you……]
[Satella: ――no]
Satella interrupted Subaru’s trembling words.
Her expression remained invisible. But, somehow, he could almost sense through his skin how Satella was looking at him behind that veil of shadow.
――Satella, she was,
[Satella: ――Love yourself… a little more]
Surely, she was casting him a look of compassion――
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
It took some time for the meaning of those words to filter into his brain.
But once it did, a shapeless, tremoring wave of emotion instantly engulfed his heart.
[Subaru: The hell…… did you just say]
[Satella: ……Please… don’t hurt anymore. Be kinder to yourself]
[Subaru: You… were the one who gave me Return by Death… weren’t you? You gave me this power so I’d have a way to move forward…]
[Satella: ――I love you. So, please, love yourself as well, and protect yourself]
[Subaru: If I only value my own safety, if you take this method away from me! What’ll I have left!!?]
In rejection of Satella’s boundless whispers of love, Subaru screamed, pressing his hand against his chest,
[Subaru: You know it too, don’t you!? I’m completely powerless! No wits, no skill, I have no special powers at all! The only thing this good-for-nothing self has is the Return by Death you’ve given me! So isn’t my life the only thing I can offer!?]
[Satella: Don’t be sad]
[Subaru: I’ve already factored in all the pain, all the deaths I have to experience. I’ve accepted it, I’m fine with it! If I’m the only one who’ll have to suffer, then I’m fine with that!]
[Satella: Don’t suffer anymore]
[Subaru: Getting myself hurt more than anyone else, by going through more than anyone else, if I strive and struggle to protect everyone else, then I can make sure that no one besides me has to suffer! There’s nothing more that I want!]
[Satella: Please… don’t cry]
[Subaru: It doesn’t matter what happens to me, does it!? Like anyone would be bothered care what happens to a bastard like me! No matter how broken, how torn I become, as long as everyone reaches that future safely, then…… hk]
Because, if Subaru stops taking those wounds at the very front lines――
[Subaru: If we can welcome that future… without losing anyone… then…… gh]
――he might irrevocably lose someone somewhere unreachable again.
[Subaru: ……Rem is.. already gone]
[Satella: ――――]
[Subaru: If I were smarter, if I were stronger, if I wasn’t so concerned about my life, if I had put myself in the front…… I could’ve prevented it]
The loss and the despair from back then still binds Natsuki Subaru always.
And so, Subaru had resolved not to rely on anyone, but to carry his wounds, fighting on alone, believing this to be the most correct course.
[Subaru: I have to believe…… I have to believe that there’s always a way……]
That Return by Death could solve everything.
That as long as he uses it well, Subaru will not lose a single thing in the end.
If he didn’t believe, if he didn’t tell himself that taking those wounds was necessary, if he didn’t convince himself that this was the truth, how could he possibly confront that despair again?
[Subaru: I……! I don’t want to lose anyone the way I lost Rem again―― gh!]
Grabbing his head, Subaru shrieked as if to reject all other audible sound.
Before he knew it, he had crumpled to the ground. Forgetting even to distance himself from Satella, he retreated into his shell, curling up as he denied her sweet whispers.
Poison. Virulent poison. Satella’s very existence was a will-melting poison to Subaru.
Subaru’s heart, which he had sworn never to allow to falter, began to fracture.
Into that opened gap entered ice-cold despair, wrecking his heart with the reawakened grief of that day.
[Sekhmet: You aren’t a child anymore]
Suddenly, there came a muttered voice.
Seeing Subaru, wailing and crying, stubbornly insisting on his self-made conclusions and shaking his head in denial of all else, one of the Witches who had kept silent until now murmured.
[Sekhmet: Crying, bawling, throwing up a tantrum, taking everything onto yourself…… isn’t that, just like…]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Sekhmet: ――a little child, left all alone?]
In a sad, pitying voice, Sekhmet remarked on the current Subaru.
The other silent Witches who had heard Sekhmet’s murmur did not refute it.
The Witch of Sloth’s words were all too accurate.
Because Subaru’s figure now was just that of a pitiful, frail, little child.
-=Chapter 77 End=-
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