Volume 4, Chapter 73 [Where Weakness Resides]
――How long had it been since he last heard that voice?
In reality, she hadn’t been sleeping for all that long.
At most a week: a conceivable time-span for going without seeing one’s friends or family. ――But Subaru could not think that way.
For Subaru, who was constantly shedding off his life and time, actual time-span meant nothing. According to his soul’s internal clock, a far longer span had passed since that voice had last struck upon his eardrums, and his heart.
[Rem: ――Wake up, Subaru-kun, I’d be happier if I could see your face]
The words rained down from above as he lay face-down on the ground.
The tender compassion and the heated affection contained within that voice swiftly filled Subaru’s chest with warmth, and instilled the parched, empty vessel of his heart with searing heat.
All this, from a single sentence whispered by that gentle voice.
――Just how much strength had she given him?
[Subaru: ……You’re kidding]
[Rem: No, this is not a joke]
[Subaru: You can’t be here]
[Rem: If you want, Subaru-kun, I will always be at your side]
[Subaru: Whenever there’s something important I must do… whenever I feel this way…… it’s like you’d always come to me…… but how could… something that convenient……]
[Rem: Well, I’ve always wanted to be the girl who’d just so conveniently happen to be at Subaru-kun’s side]
With his sobbing voice, he spilled that pathetic whimper.
But the voice that answered did not look down on him, nor think any less of him.
She―― knew.
Knew, that Subaru was weak, helpless, so brittle that he could not live without something to cling to, always lacking confidence, and perpetually in doubt.
Nevertheless, this girl told this hopelessly-weak Subaru that she loved him.
[Subaru: ――Rem]
[Rem: Yes. It’s Subaru-kun’s Rem]
He lifted his head.
Obscured by tears, the color blue filled into his eyes.
Roughly wiping his eyes with his dirtied sleeve, banishing his tears, he saw.
The form of the girl standing before him.
The form of his beloved Rem.
[Subaru: rem……]
[Rem: Yes, Rem. The maid who’s always within arm’s reach when Subaru-kun wants her there]
[Subaru: y, ou……]
Slightly tilting her head, Rem replied in a playful tone.
Just before he could say something about her attitude, he felt the air calmly seep out of his lungs. With a thump, the heavy burden in his chest dropped to the ground.
His breathing eased, and the tiny self screaming in his skull disappeared.
Being so easily, so easily saved, Subaru was struck dumb.
He had thought himself hopeless and stuck, and yet, upon seeing this single girl standing before his eyes, he was so easily released.
[Subaru: You’re incredible, Rem……]
[Rem: Why thank you. Subaru-kun is amazing too]
Smiling as she spoke, their exchange was just as perfectly offbeat as it always was.
Feeling such happiness at this back and forth, everything he had tried to endure up to now suddenly turned to tears on the verge of falling.
While he was pinned to the ground, casting down his eyes, Rem kneeled down before him,
[Rem: Are you alright? Are you feeling worn out?]
[Subaru: Who… knows…… maybe I am… worn out…… but nothing… is finished yet]
In these never-ending, looping worlds, Subaru had been battered and torn without reaching a single answer. He was in no position to say he was worn out.
Not while everyone else suffered more. Not while everyone else was enduring more. Just why did everyone else have to suffer along with him? ――The answer was obvious.
[Subaru: It’s because I’m too weak]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: Because I’m always lacking]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: If only I’m stronger, smarter, and a less useless guy…… they wouldn’t have to suffer, grieve, or hurt like this…….]
If Subaru was strong enough to do everything on his own, then the task of consoling Emilia’s broken heart in the face of her past, easing the sorrow of Beatrice’s 400 years of solitude, saving Petra and Frederica from the murderer’s blade, defending the people of the Sanctuary from the Great Rabbit’s threat, and reaching an understanding with Garfiel who sought to expel the outsiders―― would all have fallen to him.
Everything, all of it, every last aspect, was Subaru’s fault.
And so, in order to overcome this balance sheet of his own weakness, Subaru had to scour his soul and start anew.
――Or so he thought, and yet,
[Subaru: I didn’t save anyone…… in the end… did I?]
[Rem: Subaru-kun]
[Subaru: If the worlds continued after my death, then how many… how many times… how many people…… have I left to die?]
[Rem: Subaru-kun]
[Subaru: How many times did I let you die? How many times do I need to…… kill you before it’s enough?]
[Rem: ――Subaru-kun]
Shuddering from a dread surging from the depths of his body, Subaru ravingly confessed his sins.
Expelling them from his lips, he only wanted instant sentencing for his crimes. Before he could crush his own heart to dust, he wanted someone, anyone, to carry out his punishment for him.
He wanted someone to yell at this colossal idiot who pledged not to make another mistake yet stumbled on his very first step while heading the wrong way, to smack this irredeemable fool flying.
[Subaru: ――――]
――But Subaru’s plea for punishment was answered by a gentle, enveloping embrace.
[Subaru: re, m]
[Rem: It’s alright. Everything is alright, Subaru-kun]
[Subaru: But, noth…… nothing is…… alright…… is it]
Nothing. Subaru hadn’t succeeded in anything.
If Subaru slackened now, absolutely no one would be saved. Countless people would meet their end. Rem too, was someone Subaru absolutely must save.
Because only she had the right to chastise this inadequate, insufficient, hopelessly weak Natsuki Subaru.
[Subaru: You should be…… at me……!]
[Rem: ――I love you]
She pressed her forehead against his, and whispered those loving words.
[Subaru: ――――]
No words escaped him.
There was nothing he could say.
So near, her light-blue eyes were looking directly into his.
He could drown in the depths of the compassion in those eyes.
[Rem: I love you, Subaru-kun. ――And so, everything is alright]
[Subaru: Th, at’s…… not an answer……]
[Rem: Yes, it is. It’s the reason I’m here. The reason I forgive Subaru-kun. The reason I’m holding you now―― all of it is because of that]
Close enough to feel each other’s breaths, Rem’s smile softly grasped Subaru’s heart like an invisible hand.
He couldn’t move. Not even a twitch. Reaching around his back, her delicate hand clasped onto the hems of his clothes, tightly, tightly, so tightly as if to merge into one, she held him in her embrace.
[Rem: It must have been tough, Subaru-kun]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Rem: All alone, taking all the pain onto yourself…… it must have been hard, Subaru-kun]
[Subaru: ――――hg]
[Rem: You don’t have to bear all that sadness anymore, it’s alright]
With no words to answer her, Subaru desperately tried to keep everything from flooding out, while Rem’s sweet whispers went on.
Gently unravelling his heart, melting away his obstinance.
[Rem: All of Subaru-kun’s pain, grief, and weakness, all of it, Rem will bear it for you]
[Subaru: …………]
[Rem: Everything Subaru-kun wants to protect, to fight for, to accomplish…… leave them all to me]
[Subaru: …………]
[Rem: There’s no need for you to carry every single burden. ――You can leave them all to me. For now, just rest, and go to sleep]
[Subaru: ……I, I]
[Rem: And let me see the Subaru-kun that I love once again]
Rem set her hand against Subaru’s cheek and raised up his face, gazing directly into him.
Her lips tightened, as if with some hesitation, as she drew her face closer.
What was she doing? What would happen next? Even his lagging consciousness could understand.
So close, near enough to feel her breaths, the lovely girl’s lips were approaching.
It’d be fine if they overlapped, intertwined, drowned, melted, and merged with his, wouldn’t it?
――Regardless of right and wrong, she would forgive him, wouldn’t she?
Just how deeply had Rem’s gentle words seeped into Subaru’s heart?
His indeterminate emotions, his soul, agonizing over whether or not to reach for the helping hand, along with the entirety of this Subaru’s existence was once again saved by the girl who knew everything about him.
To this powerless Subaru, Rem extended her hand.
Against this fragile Subaru’s back, Rem added her support.
On this foolish Subaru’s path, Rem took his hand and offered to show him the way.
By so shamelessly, clingingly, relying on her so entirely―― would he be led to the answer at last?
What point is there, in struggling on alone?
Worn to the core, lost without a footing, no longer sure where to turn his steps, perhaps he should, just, give up, everything, and leave it t――
{Giving up is easy}
[Subaru: ――――]
{But,}
[Subaru: ――――]
{――It doesn’t suit you, Subaru-kun}
He heard a voice saying.
[Rem: ――Subaru-kun?]
Puzzled, Rem asked in front of his eyes.
It was only natural, since just before their lips could meet, a hand was placed between them.
The sweet sensation of entwining tongues that was supposed to have come grew distant, while a wavering, wounded glimmer flickered in Rem’s eyes.
Watching this wavering glint through the gaps between his fingers, Subaru spoke.
[Subaru: ――Who, are you?]
[Rem: Huh――?]
[Subaru: I just asked you. Who are you?]
[Rem: Subaru-kun, why’re y…… asking who, I……]
In front of Subaru’s quiet question, Rem’s throat seemed to choke up, unable to speak.
The faint, wounded color in her eyes deepened, as her expression became marked by grief. No matter what, it tore at Subaru’s heart to see this.
To distract himself from this feeling, he pressed his hand to his chest and bared his teeth.
[Subaru: When I…… was despairing and at the end of my rope, I genuinely wished that someone, anyone, could help me… and when I felt like it was impossible, and was about to give up…… I really wished, that you would come to me]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: If you were there, you would console me, comfort me, while I sat there stuck hugging my knees… I believed that]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: Just like this, you’d listen to my whining, let me spew out all my whimpers, watch me cry until I wring my tears dry……]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: ――And then, you’d tell me to stand up]
The delicate touch of her fingers, the up-close warmth of her skin, and the immensity of her love, Natsuki Subaru remembered with all his body and soul.
And so, he could tell, without a doubt―― that this Rem before his eyes was an impostor.
[Subaru: She would never say “Rest for now”]
[Rem ――――]
[Subaru: She would never say “Give up, and leave it all to me”]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: A girl who loves me, who’s loved by me, who’s kind to me, who’s head over heels for me―― who’s more strict and uncompromising with me than anyone else in this world, THAT is Rem!]
Springing to his feet, Subaru barked as he backed away from the Rem before his eyes.
Still on her knees, Rem looked up to Subaru without a word. Even now, he felt like he could drown in the sadness of her expression that was brought about by his rejection.
[Rem: No you’re wrong. Subaru-kun, listen to me! I… that’s not what I meant. It was just, I couldn’t stand seeing Subaru-kun suffering like this…… that’s why… I just wanted you to forget the pain and get some rest, that’s all!]
[Subaru: I’d let you see my weakness. I’d let you see my frailty. I’d let you see what a hopeless, worthless bastard I am. ――But I would never let you see me giving up]
“Subaru is a hero”, that was what Rem had told him.
And so, Natsuki Subaru had resolved to become Rem’s hero.
Ever since they exchanged that promise, Subaru had decided――
――That in this life, in this world, the only place where Natsuki Subaru would show his weakness, was in front of Rem.
Only in front of Rem, who despite knowing Subaru’s weakness still expected him to be strong, would he expose his own frailty.
Not Emilia, not Beatrice, he would let no one see it except Rem.
[Subaru: My weakness belongs to Rem. She accepts and shields my weakness, and in exchange, I will hold down any thoughts of giving up, and never let it out]
[Rem: ――――]
[Subaru: So fuck off, you fake. ――And don’t fucking coddle me wearing my Rem’s face and voice!]
Firmly declaring this, Subaru jabbed out his fist at Rem―― at the impostor.
In front of Subaru’s pronouncement, the listener was at a loss for words. Keeping her face downcast, softly, and quietly, she stood up,
[???: B-but that’s, not……what, she, told…… me?]
[Subaru: ah……?]
Slanting her head and swaying her blue-hair, the impostor stuttered out her words.
Hearing this, Subaru let out a voice of doubt――
[Subaru: ――――]
Before his eyes, the girl’s image seemed to blur as Rem’s figure turned vague.
A storm of midnight-television-haze drowned out his vision, and, following the momentary hijacking of the world, there was now another person standing in that same spot.
――Someone he had never seen before.
Her pink hair stretching halfway down her back, her bearing was gentle―― or rather, timid. The girl’s features were attractive, but nothing about it came across as outstandingly beautiful. It was more of an ordinary, commonplace kind of cuteness.
Wearing a white, long-sleeved robe, her hands were hiding inside her sleeves as she held them against her cheeks, watching Subaru nervously.
[Subaru: Who are…… you?]
[Camilla: I-I’m the Witch of Lust…… Camilla… you know? N-nice to meet…… you]
Hearing the girl―― Camilla’s reply, Subaru inadvertently swallowed his breath.
She just called herself the “Witch of Lust”. Which means,
[Subaru: So this strange, inexplicable space…… is inside Echidona’s dream?]
[Camilla: Yes… and no…… I guess. Echidona-chan is, watching, the Trial…… and the Trial itself is, kind of, like, a dream…mm…… yeah]
[Subaru: That’s kind of missing the point, but no, even before that……]
Camilla’s manner of speech was getting on Subaru’s nerves. Naturally, seeing Subaru’s gaze grow harsh, Camilla immediately started shivering and hugging her head.
[Camilla: P-please don’t hi…… hit me……]
[Subaru: I won’t do anything like that. I won’t, but…… what were you trying to do earlier?]
[Camilla: Earlie……r?]
[Subaru: Appearing in front of me, pretending to be Rem! Is that what your power is supposed to be!?]
All the Witches bearing the name of a sin seem to possess some sort of special Authority.
Assuming the Witch of Lust was no exception, she should have an Authority as well. If her transformation earlier was her Authority, then――
[Subaru: Well, I guess compared to what the other Witches can do, transformation is a pretty orthodox ability…]
[Camilla: I-I didn’t, tr-transform…… though? I-I, just, looked, to you, like someone, else…… b-because…… that’s, who, you wanted, to see… that’s all?]
[Subaru: what?]
[Camilla: I, mean…… I, didn’t, even, want to, meet you……. E-Echidona-chan, asked me, to…… and lied, to me, too……]
Camilla’s mutters were exacerbating Subaru’s annoyance.
The way she spoke, the way she shifted her glances, and the way she looked down whenever she sensed his gaze, all irritated him to no end. That whimpering tone, and those sulking complaints, the hell is her problem?
Not only was nothing she tried to say getting through, she didn’t even appear to realize how cherish a thing to Subaru she had just trampled over.
Irritated. Aggravated. He wanted to scream at her just so she’d understand.
[Subaru: You…… do you even know what you just did……?]
[Camilla: Echidona-chan, she…… s-said, I just had to spoil, you…… a little, and it’ll all be, fine…… even, though…… I-I didn’t want to, I told her]
[Subaru: Listen to me……!!]
[Camilla: E-everyone…… is ganging up, on, me, pick, picking on me…… like, this. Echidona-chan is, d-doing it, too. You’re all, so…… so mean]
[Subaru: DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT LISTEN TO ME MEANS――!!??]
Screaming, Subaru felt all the air being wrenched from his lungs as he expelled that scraping shout. He felt it, but the incinerating rage burning through his body erased that thought from his mind.
Suffocation was nothing compared to this irritation clawing at his chest.
He wanted to jam her snivelling, stuttering, whimpering mouth shut, and blast her with all the rage and agony inside him so she’d understand what she had j――
[????: ――Any more of that, your life would be in danger]
[Subaru: ――――gh!?]
That instant, Subaru heard a voice whispering into his ear, pulling him back to his senses.
The very same moment, the pain of being deprived of oxygen up to the point of asphyxiation struck him, along with the dry soreness of his continually wide-open eyes.
[Subaru: Aa―― a, aah?]
[????: They were drastic measures, but I’m glad to see you back. ――When facing Camilla, the “Faceless Goddess” of Lust, people tend to forget to breathe. Ultimately, even their hearts stop beating]
[Subaru: Egha, ghpt…… hha, hhaa]
Spitting out the choking saliva, having fallen to his hands and knees, Subaru’s consciousness was strobing.
But the voice had entered his ears, and its meaning delivered to his brain.
And so, Subaru wiped off his lips with his sleeve as he looked up at the most probable culprit behind this prank, and, baring his teeth,
[Subaru: Just what, what were you plotting―― Echidona]
At the receiving end of Subaru’s hateful gaze, the white-haired Witch softly stroked her hair, and all-so-naturally rested her elbows on the table,
[Echidona: Isn’t it obvious? ――I am a Witch. I’m plotting something nefarious, of course]
She said, smiling.
-=Chapter 73 End=-
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