Volume 4, Chapter 64 [A World That Was Falling Apart]
The first thing Subaru noticed as his consciousness returned was the unbearable pain throughout his body.
His face, and everything above his neck was wracked with extraordinary pain. His left cheek, the area around his right eye, his molars, his front teeth, his left ear―― far too many to list, there was not a spot untouched by pain.
He moved his tongue around in his mouth, and found that he had lost two molars, one front tooth, and that one of his canine teeth was gone. And when he opened his eyes to survey his surroundings, he noticed that his right eye was so swollen that it could no longer open.
[Subaru: Th, gha……]
When he tried to speak, his mouth only managed a strange gurgle due to the missing teeth and the blood pooling in his mouth.
Every breath drove a chill into the exposed nerves under his teeth, and though he tried to breathe through his nostrils, dried blood completely clotted the path. Gasping, he spat out the blood in his mouth,
[Subaru: No way…… I… didn’t die?]
As he dragged along his over-injured body, Subaru recognized the fact that he had survived what should have been certain death.
Looking out through the remaining half of his vision, Subaru found himself lying in the dark corridor. There was no one in sight. He began to recall what happened before passing out, and,
[Subaru: Where’s… Elsa……]
Not here.
At least, nowhere Subaru’s eye could see.
Being a woman who lurks in the dark for a living, even if she was within sight, she’d probably be able to keep herself from being seen, but―― she’d have no reason to do so.
There was no sign of Elsa. She was gone. At least, without killing Subaru.
[Subaru: Why…would…… no, more importantly……]
Every movement of his mouth made new blood gush out. Irritatedly spitting it out, Subaru shook his head. He tried moving each part of his body to check which areas hurt and which were immobile――
――When he noticed the warm, rhythmically breathing existence resting in his arms.
[Subaru: ――Rem]
The lovely blue-haired girl. The girl who was instilling him with strength even as she went on sleeping.
In his arms, Rem’s heart was silently beating. Her shallow, rhythmic breathing, her steady, undeniable pulse, and her faintly blushing skin―― were all proof of the continued rhythm of her life.
[Subaru: ――――]
Overwhelmed with emotion, he tightened his arms around her.
Taking advantage of her lack of reaction, he held her delicate body as he relished in its warmth, as if to perceive through her skin the proof that she still lives.
[Subaru: Why… did she leave……without killing me or Rem……?]
Holding Rem’s body, Subaru remarked on Elsa’s inexplicable departure.
She killed Petra, she killed Frederica, and even Beatrice was extinguished by her hands. And yet, the murderer left without taking Subaru and Rem’s lives when they were right in front of her.
Indeed, before losing consciousness, Subaru had pleaded for Rem’s life, and Elsa’s reply could be interpreted as an acceptance of his request. But would she really stay true to her word?
He doubted he would ever be able to understand the mind of a psychopath like the Bowel Hunter, but her reason for sparing Rem might have been just that simple.
[Subaru: But then…… why did she let me live……?]
He would be killed for sure, that was what he had thought.
At least, Elsa had swung her blade at Subaru with the clear intention to harm. The pain of every shattered bone and every carved-up muscle told him that was the case.
And yet, why did she let him live?
[Subaru: Either way… right now……]
Unable to understand, Subaru shook his head, and strained his aching body to lift Rem onto his arms.
Holding Rem lightly in his arms, Subaru looked towards the end of the hallway―― and, spotting Frederica’s corpse, lying there as if abandoned, he decided on what he would have to do.
――Before anything else, he would bury Frederica and Petra.
[Subaru: Even though there’s really no point when this world is bound to end……]
A sentimental, irrational, and wretched act, he muttered in self-derision.
Subaru had already decided that he would reset this world with his death.
Too much had been lost. And in spite of what he gained, he had failed to protect even a single thing he had sought to protect. Subaru lost everything, just like all those times before, or perhaps even more. Subaru no longer held the courage to live on in a world where so much was already lost.
If his death could bring them back, then he wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
This world was a world that was ending.
Whether it was Petra’s, Frederica’s, or Beatrice’s death, all of it could be reset.
His promise to Petra, his apology to Frederica, and his final answer to Beatrice’s sorrows, they could all be fulfilled in the next world.
Having made that resolve, there was really no point in mourning their deaths.
Because whatever sadness remains of this lost world would no longer exist in anyone else’s memories, and would only be Subaru’s alone to endure.
――But, if he truly had that kind of resolve, Natsuki Subaru would have already passed on to the next world by now.
[Subaru: Resolve, determination, ability…… I’m always lacking in everything. Why am I always so weak… huh, Rem?]
The girl in his arms did not answer him.
But, whether it was lamenting his own powerlessness, or laying bare his weakness, right now, the only place where Subaru could do this was in front of this sleeping girl.
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――It had been only about fifteen minutes after deciding to lay Petra and Frederica to rest when he saw it.
[Subaru: What… is that?]
Seeing the object sitting in front of him, Subaru let out this stupid groan in his throat.
But who could blame him? Because that was just how strange and incomprehensible the object before him was.
A pinkish hunk of meat―― would just about describe it.
Its shape was kind of like a lopsided ball of mud a child might have made, but out of meat. That much should have already aptly conveyed its strangeness, as well as the reason for Subaru’s consequent confusion.
[Subaru: It’s big――]
Simply put, the hunk of meat was enormous.
It was big enough for him to have to gaze upwards, and he could sense the weight of its dense mass just by looking. Both its color and texture reminded him of fresh pork or poultry one might find in the meat aisles.
Just as far as what he could see, there were about twelve of them. Every single one was the exact same size and conspicuously littered about the area.
[Subaru: What… the hell is……?]
Confused and without answers, Subaru repeated that same question over and over.
Then, as he looked around,
[Subaru: Where did all the villagers go?]
Standing in the deserted center of Arlam village, surrounded by hunks of meat, Subaru stupidly muttered to himself.
――Subaru had come to Arlam village hoping to find some help burying Petra and Frederica, and, more importantly, to inform Petra’s family of her death.
He was prepared to be beaten, and to be sworn at.
Just like back in the Mansion, even here, Subaru could still avoid going through that pain. He could hide the truth of Petra’s death, and reset this world without the villagers ever knowing.
If he did that, Subaru would have hid his responsibility for Petra’s death deep inside his heart with only his guilt to haunt him, and that would probably have been a grace.
But, as for whether he could forgive himself for doing so, that would surely be impossible.
[Subaru: In the end, it’s just self-satisfaction, isn’t it]
So he decided to inform Petra’s family before burying the two.
On the other hand, he had no idea how he should mourn Beatrice. Spirits don’t leave bodies behind. The clean, spotless manner of her disappearance had made her death seem almost unreal to Subaru.
Who knows, maybe―― he couldn’t help but cling to such thoughts.
With those ambivalent thoughts on his mind, Subaru made his way towards Arlam village.
He brought Rem with him, intending to ask someone to take care of her while he saw to the burials.
And then, when he arrived, while searching around for the villagers, he instead found those lumps of meat.
[Subaru: ――There’s… no one here]
Temporarily setting Rem down under the roof of one of the houses, and walking a full circle around the village, that was the conclusion Subaru had come to.
The sweat on his forehead had dissolved the flaking blood, painting Subaru’s face red, into a wretched sight. If the villagers saw Subaru now, he would no doubt be greeted with horrified shrieks.
But, unable to find a single villager to shriek at his sight, Subaru sat down beside the sleeping Rem, at a loss.
――When he saw that Elsa had disappeared from the Mansion, it wasn’t that he hadn’t considered it.
Elsa didn’t bat an eye when she murdered everyone involved in the Capital. So, perhaps unsatisfied with the people in the Mansion, she had decided to put the whole village to the blade.
Subaru had pondered over various explanations on his way to Arlam village, and that possibility was just a part of his unease. But what greeted him when he arrived was far beyond anything he could have imagined.
Instead of villagers, there were just scattered hunks of meat.
――Naturally, deep down, Subaru had imagined the worst, but he was just subconsciously ignoring it.
[Subaru: No one’s here… then there’s no point dawdling here…… better hurry and… bury them]
Muttering this excuse, Subaru lifted Rem into his arms and left the village.
The enormous, motionless masses of meat remained as they were. Subaru didn’t feel the slightest pang on his conscience, leaving them there. He would have prefered if they didn’t even linger in the deepest recesses of his memories.
It felt like his head was going to explode.
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Burying Petra and Frederica turned out to be an unexpectedly simple affair.
Preparing their appearance for interment, he had wiped clean their bloodstained skin with a cloth. As for clothes, he had changed them into a new set with his apologies. Naturally, there were no inappropriate feelings involved.
As he passed the girls’ cold, stiffened arms through the sleeves of their clothes, he wanted to cry, but the back of his eyes only grew dry, trapping his heart within that inexplicable emotion.
[Subaru: ……at least, go in peace]
Subaru quietly said a prayer to lay them to rest as he laid the earth over them.
It goes without saying that Subaru knew nothing about the prayers of this world, nor much about the sendoffs of his original world, for that matter. All his family members were still alive, so he never had to attend any funerals, and he never took any particular interest in the secular ceremonies of the Japanese people.
He regretted that now.
――The fact that he didn’t even know the proper words was filling him with remorse.
[Subaru: And I’ve imposed on you too. Thank you, for helping me]
Saying this, Subaru reached out his hand, and the black ground dragon brought her snout over to his fingers.
With her legs dirtied by the dug-up soil, Patrasche nudged closer to Subaru as if concerned for him.
After finding Patrasche safe in the stables, Subaru asked her for her help with Petra and Frederica’s burials. The clever dragon quickly understood Subaru’s clumsy request, and, alongside Subaru, who was using a tool similar to a spade, she dug the hole for the tall-statured Frederica.
Even with her mighty legs that could outrace the wind completely coated in mud, it did not diminish the jet-black ground dragon’s nobility and beauty. And Subaru was once again reminded of his immense gratitude for her existence.
Petra’s grave was dug by Subaru. Though her body was small, he didn’t want her to feel cramped, and so he wound up tearing the skins of his palm several times over on the handle of the unfamiliar tool.
Laying the earth over her, and watching Petra’s figure receding from view, at last, the stifled tears poured out, and Subaru did not bother to wipe them.
He gave Frederica the same send off, and after placing a simple marker over their graves, the funeral had drawn to an end.
Having concluded one of his tasks, where he should have felt a burden taken off his shoulders, the weight only grew heavier.
[Subaru: ……There’s no point staying here anymore]
He softly murmured.
The curtain had fallen over the irrevocable tragedy at the Mansion.
Carving each and every detail into his memories, he made sure he’d never forget his present regret as he bid the two farewell.
It was a regret carved into his very soul, which he will be sure to wipe away in the next attempt.
Only once he had accomplished this, could he truly take responsibility for their deaths.
[Subaru: After we’ve checked what we need to check, let’s return to the Sanctuary. ――We can’t leave Rem here, so she’s coming too]
The sun had begun to wane.
In the steadily darkening world, Subaru realized that it must be approaching the third night. Once he had checked what he needed to check, if he set out from the Mansion the next morning, he would be back in the Sanctuary before the fourth night.
That would leave a day and a half until the fated sixth day. And this would also be the first time Subaru had traveled back to the Sanctuary from the Mansion.
Defend the Mansion, and break through the Sanctuary.
Because there were two inevitable hurdles, he would need to head back for the necessary experience points before he could take on the final loop.
What would have changed at the Sanctuary while Subaru was gone?
Things would have probably proceeded along the same lines as the time Garfiel knocked Subaru out and imprisoned him. In that case, Otto and Ram might just take action to free the Arlam refugees on the fifth night.
[Subaru: Must be before that happens……huh]
The way he left Garfiel was another cause for concern.
Having forcibly blocked his pursuit using Leweses as shields, it was impossible to imagine just how infuriated Garfiel must be.
On top of that, he would have to tell Garfiel about his older sister’s death. How he suspected her of being a spy, and how he had failed to do anything to save her.
He would have to resign himself to Garfiel’s rage, and take anything that may come.
[Subaru: Back to the Sanctuary, then. ――I miss Emilia]
Thinking over all the countless incidents beleaguering his mind, Subaru absently let slip this honest thought.
Or perhaps, it was closer to a whimper.
But, in this very moment, it was what he truly wanted.
He wanted to see Emilia’s face. And to touch her.
He wanted to feel the reality of Emilia’s existence, and to heal his heart that was on the verge of breaking.
Those thoughts were just a testament to the extent of Subaru’s exhaustion.
――It was when they entered the forests surrounding the Sanctuary that Subaru noticed that something was strange.
Riding on Patrasche, he was holding the sleeping Rem against his chest. It was a horrendously unbalanced and precarious posture, but thankfully, Rem did not move about, and Patrasche was able to perfectly make up for her master’s incompetence as they sped along the road.
Naturally, they couldn’t go at full speed as they did on the way to the Mansion, and it took them seventeen hours to retrace the same path. And now, it was already approaching the fourth night.
He had planned to spend a day and a half in the Sanctuary, but it looked like it would have to be shrunk down to one day.
It was a necessary use of time. And of course, he had no intention of blaming Patrasche.
But if there was one thing Subaru had failed to take into account,
[Subaru: Seriously, this is no joke…… What the hell’s happening here……!?]
Halfway along the road to the Sanctuary, through the forest where the Barrier stood―― they began to notice a piercing cold enveloping the world.
The trees’ green leaves were spattered with frost, and the surfaces of the branches were coated in white. The puddles along the ground had frozen over, and there were thin sheets of ice every way he looked.
The temperature was abnormally cold―― even more frigid than that of a harsh winter. Subaru tightened his arms around Rem as he looked about, expelling breaths of white mist.
As usual, the forest lacked the signs of animal life, but now, even the life force of the trees have weakened. The fact that the forest was so unprepared for the cold only proved that it was no natural phenomenon.
[Subaru: Everything ahead is frozen and white…… I got a bad feeling about this, Patrasche]
[Patrasche: ――――]
[Subaru: Hey… Patrasche?]
Irritated by the ominous feeling in his chest, he wanted to tell Patrasche to speed up, but Patrasche did not respond.
Furrowing his brows as he looked down at his favorite dragon, he saw that her legs were stopping, and her breaths were pained and ragged.
[Subaru: Patrasche!?]
Subaru hurriedly pulled on the reins to stop her. He hopped down from the saddle, and reached out his hand to her neck. The rocky texture of the scales of her neck felt the same as usual, except it was terrifyingly cold. And, it was then that he realized it.
[Subaru: Unless, are ground dragons vulnerable to the cold……? They look just like reptiles, I wonder how they deal with winter?]
Most reptiles like lizards and snakes hibernate during the winter. Since they look so similar visually, perhaps some of the reptilian qualities applied to ground dragons as well.
In that case, having Patrasche move towards the cold would be nothing less than suicide.
If what Subaru imagined was correct, then the closer they get to the center of the Sanctuary, the more severe the cold would become.
[Subaru: It’s too harsh for you to come with me…… I guess. From the looks of it, the ground dragons that stayed in the Sanctuary might be in danger as well]
Subaru stroked Patrasche’s shivering body with his hand. Perhaps it was doing nothing more than to console her, but Patrasche leaned her body into his palm as if to wrap herself around the sensation.
Without her, it would no doubt take even longer to reach the Sanctuary―― but if she went along with him, she might very well die on the way there.
[Subaru: Patrasche.. I’m sorry, but I’ll have to leave you outside the forest…… or actually, could you go back to the Mansion?]
Hearing Subaru’s decision, Patrasche let out a sad snort.
But she was clever enough to understand Subaru’s concerns, as well as the state of her own body and the conditions of the forest ahead. After a few more consoling words from Subaru, she lowered her head and did not disobey him.
After rubbing her head to his heart’s content, Subaru took out some basic rations and clothing from Patrasche’s travel pack, and put on as much as he could to ward off the cold. He did the same for Rem, and after securing the baggage with her body, he lifted her up.
[Subaru: The way to the Sanctuary is… straight ahead……right?]
[Patrasche: ――――]
[Subaru: Don’t give me that worried look… I’m more worried about you, you know. You must be exhausted… sorry for putting you through this. It was inconsiderate of me, sorry]
Subaru drooped down his head, and Patrasche let out a small neigh as if to say “There’s no need to apologize”. Then, she set out her steps towards the forest’s edge, while Subaru watched her until she was out of sight.
Patrasche didn’t look back even once as she left. Perhaps, it was because she was too proud to let him see her reluctance, and, at the same time, it would have been out of the gentle regard to lessen his sense of guilt.
Through and through, Subaru acknowledged everything his beloved dragon had done for him.
[Subaru: Patrasche should have no problem finding her way out of the forest. ……Actually, I’m more worried about this end… crap]
Shifting Rem in his arms, Subaru walked onward with the sound of frost crunching under his feet.
His exhaled breaths turned white, and his teeth would clatter if he allowed himself to feel the cold. Forward, forward, he headed towards the Sanctuary.
[Subaru: What on earth happened… Emilia……?]
He called to the name of the girl who must be at the heart of this freezing cold.
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He forced his frozen legs forward, breathing in shallow huffs through lips that had already forgotten how to shiver. Doing his best to keep his sticking eyelids open, Subaru managed to maintain his hazy-white vision as he advanced through the forest.
――The extreme cold enveloping the Sanctuary far exceeded Subaru’s naive expectations.
With every step that brought him closer, he could feel his body temperature dropping.
He had long lost the sensation of his skin, and the only thing driving his body was the sense of duty to those who have departed, and the will to move forward,
[Subaru: ――――]
In his arms, Rem went emitting her steady signs of life, giving no indication of whether the outside environment was affecting her.
Forging straight ahead, he advanced towards the Sanctuary.
He couldn’t tell by sight whether he was on the right path or not. But he could only trust that he was getting closer by the intensity of the cold as he walked.
The snow had already piled up to his shins, and before he knew it, the forest had completely transformed into a landscape of winter.
It was a power capable of transforming the very nature of the world―― and Subaru knew what it might be.
[Subaru: ――――]
Quivering, he pried open his frozen lips while blood seeped from the ripped-off tissue as he gasped for air. He touched the warmth of his blood with the tip of his tongue, and was assured that his body hadn’t frozen through.
He could keep going. He could still do it.
He hadn’t learned anything yet. If he stopped here, he wouldn’t be able to tell himself what all those sacrifices had been for.
And so,
[Subaru: ――a]
Suddenly, noticing something cut across his stark-white vision, Subaru halted his steps.
Rubbing his nearly-closed eyes open, Subaru strained his gaze to see the anomaly that had cut into his sight. Gradually making out its contours, he saw that it was a person―― a person he knew.
[Subaru: Lewes… san?]
[Lewes: ――――]
At Subaru’s call, the girl only responded with a silent gaze.
Observing this reaction, Subaru immediately recognized that this girl wasn’t “Lewes”, but a replica of “Lewes Meyer”.
And that, if she was a replica, then he should have command authority over her.
[Subaru: It’s good.. you’re here…… please… guide me to the Sanctuary……]
[???: She ain’t gonna listen t’yer requests, y’know?]
Huffing with white, faltering breaths, Subaru called out to the replicant girl, but another voice cut in between them.
He looked up, and immediately saw someone landing in the snow beside the girl. Watching the figure sink into the snow with a crunch, Subaru saw that it was a single youth.
With short, blonde hair, and a sharpened gaze, his entire body emanated murderous hostility.
[Subaru: Garfiel]
[Garfiel: Yo, y’still got the guts t’come back? Gotta say, I’m impressed. “Lyin’ Bittoon bows better than most” as they say]
Without forgetting to throw in an incomprehensible reference, Garfiel clicked his fangs at Subaru.
But as he disdainfully looked down at the panting Subaru, Garfiel’s eyes suddenly widened in surprise when he saw Rem in Subaru’s arms.
[Garfiel: Huh……? What’s Ram doin’ wi……wait, that ain’t Ram. Hah? Th’hell’s goin’ on? Who’s that girl……]
[Subaru: I’ll explain, but whether you’ll understand is a bit sketchy…… This is Rem. Ram’s totally authentic younger sister]
[Garfiel: I ain’t never heard ‘bout Ram havin’ a sister…… but can’t really decide if yer lyin’ outright either, oy]
Facing someone who looked exactly like the girl he had a crush on, Garfiel’s aggression somewhat diminished. Seeing how Garfiel didn’t kill him on sight, Subaru determined that he was still rational, and decided to put off making escape plans for now.
Then, Subaru turned to the Lewes replicant quietly standing at Garfiel’s side,
[Subaru: You said that girl won’t listen to me anymore… what do you mean?]
[Garfiel: ……Ain’t that pretty simple? Soon as ya left th’Sanctuary, I went to th’experimental grounds and overwrote the command authority to myself. Had t’revisit some unpleasant memories cus’ of you]
[Subaru: Really? You just have to go pat-pat, and the command authority transfers?]
[Garfiel: Y’basically just have’ta touch it. That’s how you got it, ain’t it?]
“It”, would be the crystal sealing the original Lewes Meyer inside. If touching it was how Subaru received the command authority in the first place, then it was only natural that Garfiel took it back the same way.
In any case,
[Subaru: It was really considerate of you to come all the way here to get me]
[Garfiel: I didn’t come here t’entertain yer bullshit. Just take a look at what’s happenin’ and it ain’t hard t’see we’re way past th’time for pleasant conversations, yeah?]
[Subaru: Yeah, you’re right. ……I’ll just come right out and ask, then]
Subaru nodded at Garfiel’s retort, then inhaled with a slight shake of his head, and said,
[Subaru: ――Emilia’s the one doing this… isn’t she?]
[Garfiel: Got no fuckin’ idea. Either way, she ain’t coming out of the Tomb]
[Subaru: She hasn’t come out of the Tomb?]
Subaru furrowed his brows at the unexpected reply. Seeing this, Garfiel clicked his tongue and kicked up a great chunk of snow with his foot,
[Garfiel: Th’Half-Witch’s been actin’ weird since th’day y’left. I thought she’s calmed down, but then she shut herself inside the Tomb. By the time we realized it, th’whole Sanctuary’s covered in ice. ――Just like Elior Forest]
[Subaru: You know about Emilia’s home……!?]
[Garfiel: Y’think I haven’t heard? Roswaal’s a fuckin’ bastard, but he still answers questions when needed. That’s why I ain’t trustin’ Emilia-sama one bit]
Listening to Garfiel spit this out, Subaru’s expression darkened. Yet, before he could react, Garfiel had already closed their distance and was now standing right before his eyes.
[Garfiel: That expression’s fuckin’ pathetic]
[Subaru: Wh――!?]
A palm shoved against Subaru’s chest, and he gracelessly fell backwards.
He hurriedly tried to shield Rem with his arms, but his hands clutched at nothing. As for why that was,
[Suabru: What’re y… Rem――!]
[Garfiel: What, y’want her back? Oyoy, yer one greedy bastard. And here I thought Emilia-sama was th’girl of yer dreams]
Having struck Subaru where it hurt, Garfiel snorted through his nose.
There, in Garfiel’s arms, was Rem’s body which he had snatched out of Subaru’s grasp.
Frantically forcing his insensate body into motion, Subaru tried to grab onto Garfiel, but Garfiel leapt out of reach.
[Subaru: What’re you going to do to Rem……!]
[Garfiel: I won’t hurt her or anythin’. That’d just be wrong. I’m a reasonable guy, y’know. I hate it when people ain’t got proper sense]
As he said this, Garfiel’s gaze as he looked down at Rem indeed did not carry any hostility.
At least, Garfiel’s nature wasn’t twisted enough for him to harm someone who looked just like the girl he loved.
“Then why”, Subaru almost wanted to ask, but Garfiel beat him to it.
[Garfiel: Go inside the Tomb. ――And pull that Half-Witch out for me]
-=Chapter 64 End=-
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