Chapter 54
How How dare someone like you!
Carynnes cheek was stinging. This life was truly difficult, gosh. Carynne sighed as she rubbed her cheek.
I hold a higher post than you, Isella Evans.
You Someone like you Whats so, good, about you?
If it wasnt her social standing, then.
My face?
W-What?
Ah, itd be best to hold it in. However, Carynne was actually annoyed at Isella this time because she interrupted her train of thought with such a trivial matter.
Its not good to be so loud like this, Miss Isella. Are you trying to stain your fathers reputation?
This beggar-like
Stop it now, Isella.
Raymond caught Isellas hand.
How dare that, that girl say such!
Isella Evans.
Raymonds tone of voice was icy.
Please be rational.
The resounding clack that was brought on by Isellas energetic hand was so loud that most of the people inside the hall looked this way, all astonished and curious. Carynne wondered if its a praiseworthy thing to have this kind of talenta clownish temperament that did not fail to draw everyones attention with just a single gesture.
Its alright.
Because its so fun.
Isella cried out.
Lord Raymond!
Carynne smiled at Isella, who didnt even care when Carynne said that she was fine.
Its alright, Miss Isella.
Isella, again, didnt listen and instead leaned on Raymond as she cried. Even so, what a pity that no tears came out. At the very least, Isella collapsed with the accompanying sound of wailing.
Raymond awkwardly caught her.
I feel so wronged, Lord Raymond!
Miss Isella Evans. Theres a lot of eyes on you right now, so it wouldnt be good to cry like this.
Raymond handed her a handkerchief.
With a grim expression, Verdic strode up to them. He acknowledged Raymond and Carynne with a nod, then grabbed his daughter by the shoulder.
I apologize, Miss Hare, Sir Raymond.
Its alright, Mister Verdic.
Verdic towed Isella out. She continued to cling to Raymond, but Verdic was stronger than her. While fighting back, she kept crying with only her mouth, but she eventually let go.
There they go.
Seems like it.
As Verdic and Isella lumbered away, Raymond glanced over at Carynne and clack, clack, he clapped his hands together.
You were incredible.
Watch your fiance better.
Carynne grumbled at Raymond.
Her personality is something she acts on by herself. Why are you asking me to supervise her?
Thats right, too. But you know, while you were looking at me earlier, Sir Raymond, if only you hadnt missed the chance to stop Isella at that moment, then I wouldnt have gotten slapped.
Of course he wouldnt. But even if he knew this, so what? Then it would be just like that. Its an insignificant matter anyway. The important thing here was that Carynne got hit by Isella. And Raymond disliked that fact.
Raymond wavered for a moment, but he soon bowed his head.
I apologize, Miss Carynne Hare.
And Carynne was annoyed by how he would draw near her like this.
Please stop meddling in my business from now on. Its already hard enough for me.
So dont come any closer. I dont need you in this life.
As she looked forward to unveiling the truth through one more corpse, Carynne turned her back on Raymond.
And Raymond did not come after her.
* * *
In the dead of the night, Carynne was building a mountain. She took out practically all the books in the study.
Itd be nice to find something special, like Mothers diary.
How did she live her life? How did she escape the shackles of her life? Carynne was terribly curious.
The fief lords study, which was like a personal library, had only one door leading from the hallway, but the expansive space within was divided. Carynne used the ladder inside the study so that she could go through more reference materials. The smell of the old books entered her senses.
How could people of the olden times put up with quills?
As she flipped through the writings of the past century, Carynne searched for a more personal record.
Creeeak.
Didnt Mother leave behind a diary or something?
The fief lord entered the study right then, looking haggard. He had to stay behind at the dining hall much later than Carynne. She gestured to Tom, wordlessly telling him to close the door.
I dont know.
Did you really love her?
Carynne looked away. She didnt know what kind of face she had if she were to look at the fief lord.
But, sure enough, that wasnt much help.
Father, you said that you believed Mother, but it seems like you dont even know much about her.
Even if I dont, I loved her very much.
In the fief lords hands was a long piece of rope, and he was tying it into a noose.
Would you like some help? Ive done it a few times, so Im confident in my skills.
Carynne offered as she recalled her suicide attempts from the past. However, the fief lord only continued to tie the knot tightly by himself, then he looked at his daughter.
No need. There should be no indication that someone else tied it.
Ah.
Though it didnt really matter whether shed be implicated with a crime or not. Carynne wondered if she should be impressed by the care he was displaying here.
But you went too far with what you said at dinner earlier, you know, Carynne noted. Its like youre advertising that youre about to kill yourself.
She was referring to how the fief lord basically asked Verdic and Lady Elva to take care of Carynne. She wanted to go to the capital, but he wasnt feeling well, so he would like to ask them a favorthis was what he said. Verdic grudgingly said yes, and Lady Elva gladly became witness of this.
Wouldnt that be better though?
I guess so.
Right.
Well then Um Should I go out?
Yes.
Carynne went out along with Tom, then she rested one ear onto the door to listen in.
Hey Tom.
The boy looked up.
Maybe your wish will come true. If I lose my father and fall victim to adversity on top of being an orphan, wouldnt that be considered revenge for you?
Tom opened his mouth, but no words came out. Carynne stopped trying to read his mind through his facial expressions.
If not that.
Then, Carynne waited.
For that rattling sound.
For a while now.
Even as the angle of the moonlight had changed, there was still no indication of that sound.
Perhaps.
Creak.
She opened the door. There, the fief lord was seen to be shedding tears as the noose was tied around his neck. However, his feet were still on the chair.
Ah.
So its like that.
Youre scared, arent you?
No, no Im not.
But thats not what his face was saying.
Youre afraid of dying.
Carynne walked closer to the fief lord. She understood him well enough. Even when shes already used to it, she still dreaded that same feeling when its close the anticipation of pain, the surging despair, the final thought.
Shed think, what if this was really the end?
As her breathing stopped, shed come to the conclusion that all the value and meaning that she had built during her lifetime was meaningless. That she was nothing but a pebble on the side of the street. That, even if she did not exist, the world would continue to turn, and after a million years, just one person was worth nothing at all. As though she was overcome by a huge wave, shed be crushed by this fear.
However, Carynne conquered that fear.
If you were to die a hundred times over, then youd be forced to overcome it. Youd have no other choice but to accept it.
Right now, what Carynne feared during the moments before her imminent end was not the fear of death. It was the fear of life. It was a fear that would invade her senses until her final breath.
If shed live again this time, what would she do.
So, she was feeling lonely. After all, the fief lord would never be able to understand her. The only person who could have sympathized with her had already died long ago. She did not even have one single memory of her. Carynne couldnt remember Catherine.
Its alright.
And yet, even when the fief lord couldnt understand her, Carynne could understand the fief lord. He didnt know, but she remembered. She could remember that frightening past.
Its been such a long time, but she still remembered.
Her first death. That fear.
Haa
Thats why she could understand what the fief lord was feeling as he shed those tearsit was that sense of shame.
Although faced with despair so painful that it felt like the entire world was collapsing, even greater was the pain of the longing for life.
Besides grieving over lifes separation, there would be the undeniable sense of not wanting to die.
Instinctive fear and denial.
This content is taken from freewebnove(l).com