An Xiulan opened her eyes and at the sight of white walls and the smell of disinfectant, she groaned. Lord, please don’t let it be a hospital again! She was tired of getting admitted to the hospital. Each time she would faint and find herself in a hospital. This was now getting ridiculous. She couldn’t understand who loved the hospital more? The doctors or her rotten luck! Or maybe hospitals loved her too much that she was here every third day.
“How do you feel, Miss?” The doctor asked her as she opened her eyes.
“Sore?” An Xiulan suggested the world. She felt as if the ants were crawling all over her body and she could feel her head threatening to rip open into two pieces. “How long have I been out this time?”
The doctor sighed and replied, “Two days.”
An Xiulan gave him a small smile but didn’t ask any more questions because she didn’t know what to say at this moment. She couldn’t describe what she was feeling. The sudden epiphany that she just wasted her whole year made her want to stop uttering a single word. She hated her stupid luck so much that she had an urge to burst into sobs. But crying couldn’t solve anything. If it could, her last life wouldn’t have been so miserable.
“Do you feel pain in your arm or leg?” The doctor asked her again.
“They are numb, ” An Xiulan replied in a weak voice. Apart from numbness and pain, she was feeling exhausted and sleepy. “I don’t feel them.”
“You will be able to feel them soon, ” The doctors assured her. “It’s just a fracture and you will be able to walk in a month or two.”
“Wait, I have a fracture?” An Xiulan asked, horrified. Not only did she miss the paper, but she also broke her leg and arm too. Bravo, An Xiulan. Let’s give you a round of applause.
“Your left arm and leg, ” The doctor told her. “Four stitches on the head.”
To say An Xiulan completely got numb after hearing this would be an understatement. Should she be heartbroken that she missed her entrance test or that survived a calamity?
Humans always cried for what they couldn’t have, ignoring what they got and she was no better. She lamented over the missed exam to the point of going into a deep shock where she couldn’t even form words. When someone would ask her a question, she would nod or shake her head. She was not trying to make anyone feel over her bad luck, she actually didn’t know how she was supposed to react.
She even wondered if dying was better than missing a paper at this time. This was how bad her mental condition was at the moment.
For three to four days after waking up, she didn’t say a word to her family. It was only when she had to attend sessions with her old therapist did she recover from her shock enough to form a few words. Still, her mental health was poor.
“Xiulan, does the congee not taste good?” An Qinyan softly asked. Her poor mother had been coming to the hospital religiously ignoring her work and life to see if her daughter was doing good. They weren’t leaving her alone in fear that her condition would deteriorate further.
Suicide among teenagers in conditions like this was common and maybe that’s what her family was worried for. But An Xiulan didn’t have the energy to tell them that she was too weak to take such a brave step.
“Mom, I want to go home, ” An Xiulan said in the end. If she lived in the hospital any longer, she would lose her mind.
“You are making progress here, ” An Qinyan said, declining her idea. “I think staying at the hospital is a better choice for now.”
“But—”
“No, Lanlan, listen to mom and focus more on healing first, ” An Qinyan said in a soft but stern voice. “Doctor said your head stitches can be opened today. Are you excited?”
“Mom, can I see the mirror?” An Xiulan asked. She realised that she hadn’t seen her face since the accident.
“No, ” An Qinyan strictly denied.
“Do I look ugly?” An Xiulan asked a while later.
“Nonsense, my daughter is the most beautiful girl in the world, ” An Qinyan said.
An Xiulan highly doubted her mother’s words at this time. She just believed that her mom was lying.
Seeing that her daughter didn’t look convinced, she said, “Wait for a while. Your face is swollen because of injuries on your head. I don’t want you to get into another shock. Stop thinking about anything else. And focus more on healing.”
“Can I at least have my phone?” An Xiulan asked her.
“No, ” An Qinyan refused. “You can watch any show here on the television here.”
An Xiulan agreed reluctantly. She didn’t know what her mom was hiding from her but she had a very bad feeling about it. Sometimes you could feel in your bones that something was not right and this was what she was feeling at this moment. However, she pushed all the negative thoughts to the back of her mind and focused on healing her broken limbs.
The day passed with great difficulty. Every day, her brothers or her friends would come to visit her. They would never mention anything about University or exams. She hated how all of them walked on eggshells around her. But she knew that she would hate it even more if they mentioned anything about exams or grades in front of her. She was hating everyone and everything at this moment and this was making her hate herself.
The hospital was making her irritated and frustrated to no end. She wanted to go out but she hated using a wheelchair. Sitting in a wheelchair was making her feel pathetic and weak. It would remind her of what she had lost. She didn’t know when her thoughts turned so negative that she could not talk without hurting anyone. She knew that it wasn’t like her at all. She hated herself for being so rude and insensitive to others’ feelings. Due to this reason, she stopped meeting people. She could barely handle any audience.
Being rude to someone would later cause an ache in her heart and she wanted to avoid it at any cost.
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