Jin was well aware that Shui would not understand where he was coming from without context. They never met Kang Xue in this life so how was it possible for him to have any relationship with her? It was just as Jin expected. The look of utter confusion reflected across her face.
"...Slept with Kang Xue? Kang Yuze's sister we just met outside?" More than feeling hurt and crushed, the oddity of the entire conversation puzzled her.
The mental exhaustion seeped into every crevice of Jin's heart, and a strong fear gripped him. "Just…leave…" his voice had no strength left as his eyes turned redder and redder.
"No," she stared at him fixedly, gaining determination in her stance. "I will stay here with you."
Trembling, he turned his head for the first time ever since he had abruptly left. Meeting her gaze, he asked, stupefied, "You…want to hear me talking about my intimate past with a woman when you like me?"
"I want to hear everything you have to say, Jin."
"You are only going to get hurt."
"Not more than the hurt you have been going through."
He inwardly bit his tongue, his jaw tightening. "You won't believe me. You will think I am talking nonsense."
Tapping her finger on her thigh, she thoughtfully asked after a pause, "Is this…related to the incidents at the church and Liu Corps where you suddenly collapsed with a high fever?"
He froze.
"Is this also related to our car accident?"
The turbulence in his gaze was his silent admittance.
"This is something Jun, Ai and I think…Uncle Jinhai knows about too. I was always suspicious of your sudden sickness but on the contrary, they weren't. As if they knew what was going on with you."
Jin looked away, feeling breathlessness settle in his throat.
"So yes, I already have an inkling that something strange is going on between you, Jun and Ai. Don't worry about it being nonsense. I will believe everything you have to say. So please tell me about your past with Kang Xue. Where did you meet her? I don't think I recall you ever mentioning her."
There was no answer for a long time, and Shui didn't push for one either. Eventually, Jin seemed to gather his words as he hoarsely said, "I met her for the first time today."
Which only made Shui more confused. How could there be a past if this was the first meeting?
"But when I say the past…I don't mean this life."
She blinked.
He took a deep, silent breath. "Shui, this is the se-second life that I am living. I had…died once before and then I was reborn. Time turned ten years back for me to live my life again," his voice faltered. "Not just for me but for…B-Bro Jun and Zhou Ai too…"
Jin spent the next several minutes gradually revealing every truth of the past life and everything that had transpired until now. Beginning from all the tragedies that took root in their past lives till the moment of their deaths that ended everything.
Shui listened to Jin in complete silence as her heart violently shook upon learning this grim truth. Concepts like rebirth and second chances were supposed to be fantasy, not reality. But if Jin was talking about this with pain, guilt and shame filled in every corner of his heart, with a grief that had been eating Jin from within for such a long time now, then there was no way that the events were a lie.
Jin would never lie or joke around about something like this. No matter how hard it was to believe, the miracle of rebirth had indeed happened.
He lowered his head, covering his face within his palms that grew wetter with his tears. "I co-collapsed in the church because I saw the golden clock. It had trapped me in a space until I accepted that I…I held feelings for you. I fell again in the company because I saw a blink of the past memories of you meeting Cai Guiying when I touched your forehead. Then the accident…happened because the light from the golden clock suddenly blinded me. You couldn't see it, but I did…That light was a reminder to me to not get astray from my promise…"
Staring blankly at the floor, he didn't know how to continue anymore. "But…coming to Kang Xue. She was somebody I met in those five years when Bro lived away from us. You rejected Bro. You hurt him. He kept suffering because of you, and he started hating me because of you too. I co-couldn't see Bro like that. He misunderstood that I cheated behind his back. It was miserable living for him and I only blamed you for his despair. He lost everything…you, his ties with the family, his company that he built himself with all his devotion…Everything was gone…"
Jin clasped his trembling hands together as he reached the part that was the source of his guilt. "I wanted to punish you for hurting Bro to this extent. He loved you with all his heart, but you crushed it. So…I thought to crush your heart that loved me. What better way was there to break you apart other than sleeping around with a woman? Seeing the man you love touching another woman would be the ultimate weapon against you, right? I did just that. I met Kang Xue in the bar once and since then we…"
The light in his black irises soon began to converge in the shadows of self-loathe and hatred. Regret and shame imprisoned him at first, but now only disgust for himself occupied his heart.
"I made it a point to make you aware of my flings. I know it was hurting you deeply to see me with another woman, but I didn't care because you hurt the person most important to me. I wanted to give that grief to you a hundred folds. The hatred grew even more when you threatened me to marry you because it would have completely broken Bro apart. It did too in the form of his bullet piercing my chest."
He broke down in tears as he painfully continued. "But I was wrong about you. Y-you weren't wrong in rejecting Bro when you clearly knew you didn't love him. Lying about your feelings to him would have crushed him even more. You were...right Shui. But I couldn't accept it. You wanted to marry me because you wanted to protect him against Cai Guiying, even if it meant to bear my and everybody's hatred for the rest of your life. I realized then...
Nobody cherished Bro more than you. Not even me. You always..." His voice broke and he closed his eyes, "always protected him...And towards a woman like this who treated my brother so preciously, I...hurt her in the worst way possible. I made you go through utter bullshit that you never deserved. That's why Kang Xue is a burden I cannot forgive myself for and neither do I want you to forgive me either. Ever."
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