Meng Renshu wasn't going to do this, but he couldn't hold back as expected. He had to do it if he ever wanted to have closure.
That was why he deliberately waited for the time when Li Junjie was exceptionally busy to visit Li Chunhua at the hospital.
Meng Renshu knew his best friend would never allow him to meet his sister if he told him about it, so he secretly entered her ward one day.
Meng Renshu stared at the figure sitting on the bed. He almost couldn't believe that was the same woman who gave his life colors once.
Her smile was enough to lift his mood, and her laughter made butterflies fly in his stomach.
However, that same girl now had dead-fish eyes with hollow cheeks. Her skin had an unhealthy color, and her hand was as thin as a twig.
Li Chunhua's condition was worse than the last time he saw her, and it was painful to see.
"Xiaohua, I can finally see you." Meng Renshu said with reddened eyes.
Li Chunhua didn't respond, but her shoulder visibly flinched when she heard his voice. Meng Renshu walked over to her.
"How are you these days? I'm sorry for not coming to see you sooner. Junjie doesn't like it when I get involved with you any longer." Meng Renshu smiled bitterly, "And I'm sure you also feel the same. But I have to talk to you no matter what. Please indulge my selfishness for the last time."
Li Chunhua still had yet to say anything. She didn't even want to turn her head his way.
Meng Renshu had already heard about her condition. He knew she actually listened to his words, so he didn't ask her to respond and continued to talk instead.
"Xiaohua, the three months after Xiaoyi's death were the hardest times in my life. Even more so than when I fought my way to gain recognition in the company. I lost sense of what I had to do or which direction I should go. It was like drifting away in the vast sea with no island in sight."
Meng Renshu clenched his hands into fists. "I didn't deserve to receive forgiveness, but I needed to talk to you no matter what. I felt like doing that will finally give me an idea of what I should do next. This will be the last time I come to see you."
He looked down at her thin and frail hand. He wanted to reach out and hold it, but he restrained the impulse to do that.
"Xiaohua, during the times we had spent together, do you ever love me, even for once?"
Meng Renshu finally said it, the question that kept disturbing his mind after he read Li Caiyi's book. He knew it was written from his wife's point of view, but there were still too many inconsistencies in what he remembered.
One of the inconsistencies was that Li Chunhua probably wasn't as innocent and pure as he thought her to be. Li Caiyi had no reason to lie, so everything she had written must be the truth.
'No, even if it's false, I will not doubt her words. Not anymore.'
Li Chunhua still didn't show any sign of responding. Meng Renshu looked down in disappointment. He didn't have much time because he came here without Li Junjie knowing. But he couldn't force Li Chunhua to talk, either.
"...once?"
He immediately raised his head when he heard her voice and was dumbstruck when his gaze met her deep yet empty eyes. It was like he was gazing down on the bottomless darkness.
For a moment, he thought that the woman in front of him was Li Caiyi, who had given up on everything and ultimately lost the light in her eyes. Words failed to come out of his mouth as he was drowned in that darkness.
"Do you ever love her, even for once?" Li Chunhua asked in a hoarse voice.
Love?
Meng Renshu had always thought of Li Caiyi as his wife, his life partner. But did he ever stop to think if he loved her, for once?
Even after mulling it over for minutes, no answer came up in his head.
Meng Renshu was pretty sure he held some affection for Li Caiyi. She had a special and irreplaceable place in his heart, and she was always there during his lowest times. Saying that he had no feelings towards her would be a total lie.
When she rejected his advance, he was incredibly hurt and sad. It felt like she was pushing him away, and he was disappointed. If it weren't because he was attracted to her, then there was no way he would feel that way.
The signs have always been there, but he was too thick-headed to notice or acknowledge it.
Meng Renshu didn't know why he kept denying it, even though he knew deep down that he needed her in his life. Without her, he lost his sense of direction or purpose.
'Is that it? Do I love her, and not only because I feel obligated to think like that?'
Meng Renshu felt that his feelings for Li Caiyi were far too deep and complicated to be defined with only the word 'love'.
Li Chunhua looked at his conflicted face and felt her nose turn sour. "For the current you, Xiaoyi probably has become the most important person in your life. But for me, she has always been and will forever be the most important person in my life."
"Xiaohua, you…"
"It was all a mistake. I used to be her most important person too, but everything changed when she fell in love with you. I always hated it. You took something I desire the most for granted." Li Chunhua clenched the blanket covering her lower body.
Meng Renshu was stunned. But a second later, a weak smile appeared on his face. "I see. So that's how it is, huh? I was too blinded by my own feelings and didn't even realize it."
Meng Renshu and Li Chunhua confessed to each other, and back then, he believed his feelings for her were genuine. Whenever they were together, he would envision their future together. He couldn't wait to formally become someone who could protect her for the rest of her life.
But then the woman in his future was replaced with someone else; he couldn't accept it.
Li Caiyi was a virtuous wife, but she wasn't Li Chunhua in the end. He was self-conscious of that fact, to the point he ignored the sign of changes in his feelings towards her.
Meng Renshu chuckled dryly. "I didn't understand when Li Junjie called me a fickle person, but I think I understand the reason now."
"Are you disappointed after knowing the 'true love' you believed has been false all along?" Li Chunhua asked coldly, but it strangely felt refreshing for Meng Renshu.
Perhaps because he finally could hear directly from this woman about how she genuinely felt about him. Without deception or sweet words this time.
"No, I wasn't disappointed. On the contrary, I feel relieved now. Thank you, Xiaohua."
Li Chunhua looked away in disdain. "You have a chance. But you completely wasted it. What a fool. Poor Xiaoyi. That's why I said only I understand and love her the most in the world…."
Li Chunhua's shoulder shook, and her voice trembled. She looked like she could be blown by the time anytime. Meng Renshu's gaze softened, so he stood up and put his hand on top of her head gently.
He didn't say any comfort words like usual and only stroked her head several times.
"Thank you for everything, Xiaohua. Take care of yourself. Goodbye."
With that last line, he cut his last attachment to the woman in front of him and left the ward without looking back.
Meng Renshu never went to see her anymore after that.
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