Volume 3 Chapter 109 - Fear
"Start my training? Aren't I already training for these past five days?" Koneko asks Kisuke while they're walking back towards the place where Koneko would always meditate.
"Well yeah… But the way you are now, you won't be able to touch that Fried Chicken even if you caught him off guard. You can take a few hits from his 'Queen' but that's about it. You can't count on that master of yours. She might be able to strategize but she can't beat the Fried Chicken. Himejima-san might be able to do it with her holy power, but something is stopping her from using it and I doubt she'll be able to overcome her fear without a good catalyst. Issei is too weak to pull out the power of his Scared Gear. Kiba-san, although he has potential, he's a normal fighter right now. Lastly, Asia-san is a pure healer and can only be beside one of you, and that will be your master's side for sure. In other words, your group has no chance of winning as the trend goes." Kisuke didn't change his pace and explained the situation to Koneko.
"… Then what should I do?…" Koneko stopped walking and looked down biting her lips and clenching her fist.
"That's up to you… How much do you want to risk it?" Kisuke also stopped walking and faced her.
Koneko looked up and saw his serious expression without a trace of his former nonchalant attitude. She shook when she looked at his eyes which contains rare strictness, "… How much should I risk?"
"Haah… Koneko… Why are you asking me that? Didn't I tell you that it's up to you?" Kisuke let out a sigh but he continued to look at her.
"But-" Koneko started to shake under his stare as fear slowly surfaces.
"Koneko, I won't be here forever to decide for you. I'm giving you this chance now to do something you yourself decided without me pushing you to a choice." Kisuke interrupted her and continue speaking. He has to remind Koneko now that her future is hers and should not be easily given to others.
"…" Koneko is speechless. Since the beginning, even though she's trying to distance herself from the others, she's been looking for something or someone to lean on. But when she finally found it, she's being tossed away. Her thoughts halted into a full stop as she stares at Kisuke blankly.
Kisuke already expected this, but he didn't expect that she'll be this dependent on him which isn't good. "You'll be walking this path on your own in the future as even I don't know what lies ahead. All I can do is give you occasional guidance, but even that would certainly stop as you move beyond the realm that I can't understand."
"…Senpai…" Koneko called out to him be she still doesn't know what to say.
"Don't mistake me as your master. As I said since the start, Yoruichi and I started this out of a whim to see where you could go. I'm just someone who shamelessly meddled with your life and give you a startup push in a certain direction."
"…" Koneko now felt that he's getting farther away from where she couldn't reach him. Now he's even denying the relationship she thought they have. 'What is he saying!? What's happening!?' Aside from fear, doubt is also starting to take root on her mind. No matter how much she tries to resolve herself to continue what she's doing despite the chances of losing control of herself, it's still the trauma that shaped her childhood and couldn't discard it easily even after knowing the truth about her elder sister.
"Are you scared? Of which one? Are you are not mistaking it for being scared of losing control yourself to the fear of the unknown future?"
"…What…?" Just as she's about to lose grasp of reality, his words awaken her, 'Fear of the future?'
"Every time you look at Aika gritting her teeth to continue her training, what comes to your mind?"
"I'm jealous of how she could let go of her worries and do what she wants regardless of the consequences that might haunt her further in the future," Koneko answered blankly without thinking too much about his question.
"Right? You're jealous, but of what? Think about it again."
"Of how she let's go of her worries?"
"In other words, your jealous of that idiot's ability to forget about things and just do what she wants."
"…" Koneko stayed silent but she could now understand a little what he's trying to say.
"You never got jealous of her ability to overcome her training nor her luck for not losing control of herself even though you two are on the same boat that can sink anytime."
"I'm scared of the future?" Koneko muttered.
"It's true that it became your trauma when you thought that your elder sister became insane and killed you, former master. But what scared you the most is the fact that your sister suddenly left you and you didn't know what to do."
"Ah… I get it…" Koneko got a glimpse of light in the dark hallway, 'I'm just hiding behind the fact that I'm scared of hurting others when the truth is I just want someone to carry me and lead the way so that I wouldn't have to think about it again…'
Koneko wiped the tears that are accumulating in her eyes and looked straight to Kisuke's eyes, "Yes… senpai. I'm scared of what would happen in the future. I don't know if I can still be with Buchou and the rest the way I am. At the start, I thought that I'm just scared of hurting them if I use Senjutsu, but it looks like what you said is the truth, I'm afraid that they would turn their backs on me if I become like my sister… I don't want to be left alone again…" Even though she just wiped her tears, it started falling again.
Kisuke finally smiled and patted her head, "Now that you finally know and admitted it to yourself, that means you already started on something instead of running away from it. I'll be honest, I'm no psychiatrist, so I don't really know how to cure your trauma aside from pointing it out to and force you to face it."
Koneko wiped her tears again and shook her head, "No… I'm very thankful for what you've done. So please don't call involving with me shamelessly meddling with my life. If not for you I'll be running away all this time without me even knowing it. I just have a request, senpai."
"Hmm? Go ahead."
"Please don't ever turn your back at me."
"Hmmm… let's see… I guess I shouldn't do that if you're asking me." Kisuke pretended to be hesitating, but for Koneko, it's the most reassuring answer.
After a few moments of silence that calmed her down, Koneko once again faced Kisuke, "Senpai, please teach me how to beat up that Fried Chicken."
"It won't be easy~." Kisuke knew that Koneko would still depend on him but she already started moving forward which is already enough for him.
"Yes, I know… By the way, senpai. I want to experience losing control of myself once under your watch. If I can't run away from it, I'll just embrace it."
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