Tom smiled as he watched Jamal, who sat at the edge of the bed watching him sip from the glass of cold juice while telling him all about his day.
Jamal had insisted that Lucy massage his foot, but Tom had playfully declined, not wanting to put Lucy in an awkward position.
"We will be going home after grandpa gets better," Jamal announced, and the smile disappeared from both Lucy's and Tom's faces.
"Already?" Tom asked, and Jamal bobbed his head.
"I'm going to miss you," Lucy said, and Jamal's brows pulled together.
"I will miss you too. I didn't want to leave you, but mom said we have to. We need to go back to school, and we need to be home when Aunt Andy comes back," Jamal told Lucy with a sad sigh.
"Your mom is right," Lucy said quietly.
"You don't have to worry, we can visit you, and I can always talk to you over the phone," Jamal promised, and Lucy smiled.
"How soon are you leaving?" Tom asked thoughtfully, and he shrugged.
"When grandpa gets better. Are you still going to give my mom the job and car?" Jamal asked, and Tom smiled.
"Sure. You could decide on any car you want and let me know. I will have it delivered to your home after you get back. And your mom can let me know after she decides on the sort of job she wants," Tom said, and Jamal smiled happily.
"Thank you," Jamal said with a yawn.
"Are you feeling sleepy?" Lucy asked with concern, and Jamal shook his head even though they could both tell he was feeling sleepy.
"Why are you both not talking to each other?" Jamal asked with a concerned frown. He had wanted to spend time with them because he enjoyed their company, especially how Tom pretended to be jealous whenever he went too close to Lucy, but tonight things seemed different between them.
"We are talking to each other," Lucy said with a bright smile.
"No, you are not. You are talking to me, not each other. Tom is not even mad that I'm sitting so close to you and holding your hand," Jamal pointed out as he looked from one to the other.
"That is because I'm too exhausted to be jealous of you tonight," Tom assured him with a grin, but Jamal eyed them suspiciously.
"Did you fight?"
"No, we didn't. We have been talking all day, so we have nothing left to say to each other right now," Lucy explained patiently.
"That's true. You look tired. You should go to bed now," Tom suggested.
"I look tired because you both keep looking at me. You are not even looking at each other," Jamal complained with another yawn making both Tom and Lucy smile.
Their eyes met, and they returned their gaze to Jamal, "Why don't you go to bed now? I need to sleep. Tomorrow is another busy day for me," Tom said, and Jamal sighed as he got off the bed.
"Goodnight, Lucy," he said as he embraced Lucy, who kissed his cheeks, and then he moved to Tom's side of the bed.
"Don't be mad at Lucy for too long," He said quietly, and Tom raised a brow.
"Who says I'm the one who is mad at her?" Tom asked, and Jamal shrugged.
"Because you're the one who looks mad. She just looks sad," Jamal said simply, and Tom sighed, wondering how the child got to be so observant and perceptive.
"See you tomorrow," Lucy said as Tom rose and escorted Jamal out of the room.
Lucy didn't bother to follow them. Instead, she went to lie down on her side of the bed. She knew without a doubt that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep. She wasn't the type to fall asleep easily when her heart was so troubled.
Tom didn't want to talk, and it wasn't like she could force him to resolve things with her either. She was just going to let him rest and try to figure out what next to do on her own.
Her heart skipped when she heard the door open, and she shut her eyes, pretending to be asleep since it would be too awkward for them both to be awake and not talk.
Tom shut the door behind him and stood by the door staring at her still form. She was lying at the edge of the bed and not in the middle as usual.
His heart ached as he watched her. He knew without a doubt that she was pretending to be asleep, and it made him sad. He wished things weren't this way between them. He loved her so much that it hurt him to see her this way.
What was he going to do? He wasn't even sure if he was going about it the right way. He knew that he needed to take his time to think and map out a better plan that would work out perfectly for them, but his head had been aching all day, and saying he was exhausted would be an understatement. He couldn't think straight or have a normal conversation with her right now the way he knew she wanted.
Deep down, he knew there was nothing he wouldn't give to keep her in his life, but all he wanted right now was for her to really show him that she wanted their relationship as much as he did. He wanted some sort of assurance that it would all be worth it, Tom thought with a sigh as he got on the bed and turned off the light on his side of the bed.
He lay on his side of the bed for a minute and then moved to her side of the bed and pulled her into his arms, surprising Lucy, who was pretending to be asleep.
She said nothing as she let him cuddle her, but she found it hard to relax against him. Her heart was racing, and it was hurting at the same time. She couldn't breathe. Tears stung her eyes as she lay stiffly in his arms, and she bit down on her lower lip to keep herself from making a sound.
Tom patted her back and kissed her forehead, "I have no idea how to deal with any of this or make it easier for us both. I wish I did," Tom murmured sleepily, and tears dropped from Lucy's eyes, but she remained still and waited until Tom had dozed off before getting off the bed.
She picked up her phone and quietly walked out to sit on the balcony. Once she was there, she let the tears flow freely and raised both hands to her lips to stifle whatever sound accompanied the tears.
She had thought apologizing for her behavior and contacting the therapists, as he had wanted her to do, would resolve their misunderstanding, but it seemed that wasn't all that Tom wanted, and right now, she had no idea what else to do.
She was experiencing a myriad of emotions that she could not even explain. She was in pain, and she was scared. She was terrified that she was losing Tom. All she knew was that her heart was breaking, and she didn't know what to do about it.
Without thinking she dialed Tyler's line, hoping that Lucas was close to the phone so she could talk to him. She needed to talk to someone right now and he was the only one she could think of. Sonia already had her own problem to deal with, and she couldn't bother her parents with this.
"Princess Lu! Tell me you're calling because you miss me and not because you want to talk to your brother," Tyler greeted in a cheerful tone that would have made Lucy smile if she wasn't so upset.
"Is Lucas there?" She asked, and hearing her voice, Tyler could tell that she wasn't okay.
"Give me a minute to get the phone to him," Tyler said as he rose and hurried to Lucas' bedroom.
"Lucy is on the line for you," Tyler said as he knocked on the door, and almost immediately the door opened the Lucas took the phone from him.
"Are you okay?" Lucas asked with a concerned frown which was also mirrored in Tyler's face.
"I'm not fine. Can you talk right now? I need to talk," Lucy said, and Lucas looked at Tyler.
"Excuse me for a moment," Lucas told Tyler and returned into the bedroom after Tyler gave him a nod and walked away.
"What is the problem?" Lucas asked wondering what could be so serious to make Lucy was call him by that time of the night.
"My relationship with Tom is crashing and I don't know what to do," Lucy cried, and Lucas did his best to calm her and encouraged her to tell him what the problem was.
Lucas listened patiently as Lucy told him about Tom's desire to settle down, as well as all that had transpired between her and Tom that day, including the awkward dinner conversation.
"You told him you don't want to get married?" Lucas asked, sounding slightly surprised.
"Yes," Lucy said and Lucas sighed.
"If your fear was only about having kids, I might be able to understand that, but I can't understand why you would feel anxious about getting married to the man you love and already live with," Lucas said, but Lucy said nothing.
"I don't blame Tom. I can imagine how devastated he must feel, considering that he had already imagined you pregnant with twins...."
"He told you that?" Lucy asked in surprise.
"Yeah. That first night at his house (Chapter 269). He said he wanted to have a boy and a girl, or two girls who looks and acts just like you," Lucas said, and Lucy's eyes filled with tears.
"What do I do? I would get married to him and have his kids if I could but I can't. The thought of getting married or having kids makes me feel so anxious I can barely breath," She cried in a voice that tore at Lucas' heart.
"Well, therapy is a good starting point. After therapy you can know for sure if you want to be married to him or not...."
"What if I still don't want that?"
"Then you will have to let him go," Lucas stated simply, shattering Lucy's heart.
"But I can't! I love him!" Lucy cried.
"Love is never enough. Your desires and goals have to align too else you will both be unhappy. Love is not selfish. It would be selfish of you to want to keep him when you can't give him the kind of life he wants. Can you stand seeing him unhappy and unfulfilled? How do you think his mother and grandfather would feel about you when they find out you are the reason Tom is not talking about marriage and not because he doesn't want to get married?" Lucas asked softly.
He knew that this was tough for Lucy, but he believed deep down that her decision not to get married had more to do with her trauma than it did with anything else and he had no doubt that before the end of her psychotherapy she would be more open to the idea.
"So you are saying it's either I give him what he wants or we break up?" Lucy asked, and Lucas shook his head.
"No. It's not just about Tom. It's about you too. It would be senseless of you to get married to Tom and have kids if you genuinely don't want to. You will end up unhappy and resentful. You have to also want it to do it. So, go for therapy. But make sure you do it for yourself not for Tom. Do it because you need it. You really do need it, Lu, whether or not you change your mind about marriage. You need to be whole," Lucas said, and Lucy sighed.
"I think you should move back to your apartment. That should help the both of you. It would be easier to break up and move on at the end of the day if you're not living with him. Living with Rachel made things worse for me," Lucas said, and Lucy sighed again.
"Alright, I've heard you. Thanks for listening to me. I should go back to bed," Lucy said before hanging up.
Maybe if she could stop being Lucy for a minute and look at the issue from a logical standpoint, she would know what to do, Lucy mused as she wiped her tears and decided to set emotions aside and approach the subject as she would an official assignment.
She tried to cheer up by reminding herself that Tom loved her. This was a rough patch in their relationship that they could get over if she would be able to be there for Tom as he wanted her to be.
As she had done several times already, she went over all that had happened in her head again, only this time she did so not as Lucy. She tried to think about her relationship with Tom from a logical and unbiased point of view.
She knew that Tom's primary desire was to get married and have kids. Even as she thought about it, her heart began to race. Getting married and having kids was not something she was sure she could do.
Lucy shook her head to discard the thought and remind herself that she wasn't Lucy at the moment. She needed to be objective.
Just as Lucas had said, it would be selfish of her to try to hold on to Tom if she couldn't be there for him in the way he needed her to be. It would be selfish to want him to give up all he wanted for her sake.
Tom was an amazing person, and he deserved to be happy, Lucy thought as tears gathered in her eyes once again, but she brushed them off as she rose to go back into the bedroom after making up her mind on what to do.
He had said he would keep tolerating her until he couldn't, and then they would break up. She was just going to enjoy their relationship while doing her best to be there for him in the ways she could until she also knew for sure what she wanted.
She was going to move back to her apartment and she would give Therapy her best shot whether or not she believed in it, and if her feeling concerning marriage and having kids remained the same after therapy, then she was just going to have to let him go regardless of how heartbreaking it would be for her.
Once Lucy got on the bed, Tom sleepily reached for her, "I love you," Tom murmured in his sleep, and Lucy sighed as she snuggled against him.
"I love you too," Lucy whispered and listened to his steady heartbeat until she drifted off to sleep.
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