Monday morning came very fast, and as usual, Tom and Lucy left for the office before the others came out of their bedrooms.
They had woken up a bit late and had to hurriedly get ready for work and leave. It was the week of the anniversary and there were a lot of things that needed to be done, starting with the annual meeting with the shareholders and board of directors to present the company's financial performance to them, and to discuss the way forward for the coming year.
Tom pretended not to notice the way Lucy kept glancing at him at intervals as he drove them to work. He had noticed that she seemed to have a lot on her mind, so he had decided not to ask her any questions and wait for her to tell him what she was thinking when she was ready to talk.
Knowing Lucy, he knew if she wasn't ready to talk about it, he would need to probe for a while before she would say whatever she was thinking, and he really wasn't in the mood to probe.
"Are you okay?" Lucy asked after some time.
"Yeah. Why?" Tom asked, and Lucy shrugged.
"You've been silent," Lucy said, and Tom shook his head.
"No. You've been silent. I'm just letting you be while also trying to work out some of the details of the meeting and also a couple of other things," Tom explained as he turned to spare her a glance.
"This is going to be a busy week," Lucy said, and Tom nodded.
"Yeah. Is your head still aching?" He asked since she had complained of a throbbing headache earlier.
"No. I feel much better after taking the hangover medicine. I'm sorry I slept off once again," Lucy said, and Tom smiled.
He had stepped out to the balcony to receive a phone call from one of his foreign-based shareholders, and by the time he returned to be entertained by Lucy, he had met her sprawled on the bed fast asleep in the same manner she had done the first night they met.
"Nah, It's not your fault. I should be the one apologizing. The phone call took longer than I expected. Besides, I know yesterday was pretty exhausting for you. I'm also surprised you remembered last night, considering the fact that you never remember the details each time you are drunk," Tom said, and Lucy scowled.
"I told you I wasn't drunk. I was tipsy. I didn't think that the alcohol content was enough to make me tipsy. I was drunk the last two times but I was tipsy last night. I know the difference," she said, and Tom nodded.
"Does that mean you remember all you said to Harry, Jade, and Candace last night?" Tom asked, and a blush stained Lucy's cheeks.
Tom chuckled, "I see you do."
"You could have stopped me from making a fool of myself," Lucy pointed out.
"There was no need to. You didn't make a fool of yourself. You are cute that way," Tom said, and Lucy scowled.
"What is cute about being a blabbermouth? What if I had said something more embarrassing that I wasn't supposed to say?" Lucy asked with a displeased frown, and Tom smiled.
"I don't think it's a bad idea to let loose sometimes and allow those around you to see that side of you. Besides, I wouldn't have let you make a fool of yourself in front of strangers. Everyone you spoke with was family," Tom pointed out.
"I think I should stay off alcohol completely seeing how loose-tongued I can be when I'm under its influence."
"On the contrary, I was thinking I should let you indulge in alcohol more often so you can loosen up as that is the only way I can know what you are really thinking. You are often too cautious," Tom said, and Lucy raised a brow.
"Too cautious?" Lucy asked, and Tom gave her a nod.
"Yes," Tom said without explaining further.
"What do you mean?" Lucy asked, and Tom sighed.
"I can barely tell what you are really thinking. It's like I know you and I don't at the same time," Tom said, and Lucy frowned.
"But I always tell you what I'm thinking," Lucy said, and Tom shook his head.
"No, you don't. Sometimes I have to probe, and other times I have to guess. You only tell me the outcome of your thoughts, not really what you are thinking. It's almost like you are scared to voice out your raw unfiltered thoughts," Tom said, and Lucy shook her head in disagreement.
"I do tell you what I'm thinking. I did tell you my unfiltered thoughts yesterday, and where did that get us?"
"No. Yesterday you told me the outcome of your thoughts, not your unfiltered thoughts. If it were your thought you wouldn't have said it the way you did like you had it all figured out. You would have told me what led you to think that and how you got to that point of conclusion."
"That doesn't make sense to me," Lucy said, and Tom shrugged.
"It doesn't have to."
"Can we talk about yesterday?" Lucy asked after a moment.
"What do you want to talk about yesterday?" Tom asked without looking at her.
"About our misunderstanding concerning my suggestion?" Lucy asked, and Tom shook his head.
"We are done with that. I already told you I'm not discussing that subject until next year," Tom said with a note of finality in his voice.
"I wasn't saying we should talk about my suggestion or the subject. I just want to ask you something different," Lucy said, and this time Tom looked at her.
"Alright. Go on," he said as he returned his gaze to the road.
"Do you think I am a selfish person?" Lucy asked, and Tom shook his head.
"No. You are not," Tom said without hesitation.
"You don't have to lie to please me. You can be honest with me," Lucy said, and Tom glanced at her briefly again.
"I honestly wouldn't be with you right now if I thought you were a selfish person. If you are asking this because I said your suggestion was selfish, you should know that bringing up a selfish suggestion once doesn't necessarily mean you are a selfish person. Every one of us does this at some point," Tom assured her, and Lucy sighed.
The first thought on her mind when she woke up that morning had been their misunderstanding. Thankfully, Tom had still been fast asleep. She had taken the time to think about their situation and misunderstanding since she had been too occupied the previous day to find time alone to think.
"Can you tell me what you are thinking? No filters," Tom said when he noticed the concentration lines that fanned her brows.
"I don't know. I think I'm not happy," Lucy said, and that made Tom's brows pull together in concern.
"With what?"
"My life I guess," Lucy said, and Tom raised a brow.
"What about your life?"
"I always thought I knew what I wanted and I was in charge of my life, but I no longer feel that way. I feel like everything is changing so fast and going out of my control, and I no longer know myself or what I'm doing. It makes me anxious because I don't know what might change next or how that change might affect me. Does this make sense to you?" Lucy asked, and Tom nodded.
He could tell where this line of thought was coming from, and quite honestly, he understood. She used to be so meticulous and had a pattern she stuck to, but since he came into her life all of that had changed in a matter of weeks.
From never wanting to be in a relationship, she had not only gotten into one but had sort of moved in with him. From being an introvert and having her own space, she was now always surrounded by people who never minded their business, and she could hardly find time to be alone.
And now she was scared that she was going to change even more and no longer be able to recognize herself. It scared her because she felt like she was not in control of the changes.
The car was silent for some time and Tom looked at her again, "So can you tell me the areas of your life you feel are out of your control?" Tom asked, and Lucy wrung her hands together.
"My whole life. My life is spinning out of my control and I can't help it. The incident with Anita yesterday, that person out there was not me. I'm acting differently and I can't seem to recognize myself," Lucy said, and Tom nodded.
"Do you regret handling Anita as you did? Do you like or hate the person you are becoming? Would you say these changes are positive or negative? I mean, apart from the fact that you feel anxious by the uncertainty of it all, do these changes improve your quality of life? Do the effects make you happy?" Tom asked, and it took Lucy a moment to carefully consider it before giving him a single nod.
"Yes. I guess," Lucy murmured.
"Yes to which of the questions?" Tom asked since her response was not specific and he wanted her to spell it out.
"The changes are not exactly bad. It's just...."
"So would you say it's not exactly that you are unhappy with your life, but rather you are anxious and scared about the changes that you are seeing in yourself? You like how things are right now, but you are just not comfortable because they are not as they used to be?" Tom cut in, and Lucy shrugged once again.
"I suppose," Lucy said, and Tom sighed.
"You know what I think? Change scares you, Lucy. You love to stick to what you know and what you believe to be safe. You are scared to try out new things. I really think you should be more open to change," Tom said, hoping she wouldn't misunderstand him.
"Open to change? I'm very open to change. I'm in a relationship with you because I'm open to change. Who suggested that we have sex in the car? That was something new for me," Lucy said, and Tom shook his head.
"That was not exactly the kind of change I was talking about, but since you brought it up, can you remind me how long it took me to convince you that it was safe to have sex in the car despite the fact that you were the one who suggested it?" Tom asked, and Lucy grimaced.
"I was worried someone might see us."
"You mentioned our relationship as part of the changes you've made. While I agree that it was a major change for you, I don't think you are entirely open to it yet. I'm pretty sure our relationship is part of the changes that are making you anxious, am I wrong?" Tom asked, and Lucy frowned.
"I just don't like to make mistakes."
"What sort of mistakes do you think you could make by being in a relationship with me? Besides, what's wrong with making mistakes? Mistakes are a natural and integral part of learning and growth. When you make a mistake, you learn from it and that is how you grow and become better," Tom said, and Lucy shook her head.
"What if it's a mistake that can't be corrected? Some mistakes are more costly than others," Lucy insisted, but instead of arguing with her, Tom said nothing.
"It's not like I like to be this way. I just can't help it. I'm really trying," Lucy said, tears gathering in her eyes.
Tom sighed, "No one is disputing the fact that you are trying. I think you need to understand that no one is perfect. If you plan to do anything worthwhile in life, you are definitely going to make mistakes, unless you plan to stick to only the things you already know. And you won't grow that way. You'd only be setting yourself up for a mediocre life," Tom said, but Lucy said nothing.
"For someone who is so scared of change, why did you accept the promotion and move from Heden to Ludus? Wasn't it scary for you, leaving everyone you know behind?" Tom asked, and Lucy shook her head.
"That was different. It was about the advancement of my career. I was coming here to do something I know," Lucy said, wondering if she was making any sense.
"So you are only open to change as long as it has to do with your career?" Tom asked, and she shrugged once again.
"My career is predictable. If I put in the work, I get good results. I can see where I'm going. It is within my control. I could wake up and decide to quit my job if I feel like it has become too much to handle. I could always make a switch to a different company, and it will be entirely my decision...."
"Or you could be fired. That's not within your control," Tom pointed out.
"Still, I will always have other options. I have control over my career but it's not like that with relationships. You can't just quit and resign on people. When it comes to dealing with people there is so much more at stake and a lot more to consider. There are lots of uncertainties. People change, feelings change."
Was that what her fear of marriage and having kids was about? Control? She was scared that things could change between them? That didn't make any sense, Tom mused.
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