Chapter 101: Not Alright
Vivian’s POV
Vivian loved her job, she really did. But sometimes she wished that she had chosen something else to do, that she had not picked that particular career.
In other industries, when a person was having a bad time, all that they had to do was make it through the front door and fake being cheerful when greeting their co-workers. After that it was just a matter of staying in their cubicle pretending to work, and letting their tears fall silently, ( at least she assumed that office jobs were like that).
But as a preschool teacher, Vivian did not have that luxury.
Were it up to her, she would have been curled up beneath her desk just bawling her eyes out. But that was not the way that being a teacher worked.
If it were adults that she was hiding from, she would have been able to at least let a few tears slip out here and there. Pretending like she had allergies or something. But kids were a whole different ballgame, they were emotional bloodhounds.
They picked up on distress with terrifying accuracy, and often reacted to it negatively. So unless she wanted to be called into the director’s office and asked what was wrong. Vivian knew she had to be on her A-game on a day when she would rather have been crying and doing her best to bury her misery in ice cream.
So instead of crying, she was smiling brighter than she had ever done before, and hoping that the kids did not notice that it was all a lie.
She sang, danced, gave cuddles, wiped snort, told stories, tied shoelaces, and gave as many hugs as she was asked for, (which was a whole lot more than she was used to the kids wanting, but she gave them freely). Her outward cheer masking the fact that on the inside her heart was breaking.
***
By some miracle, Vivian managed to make it to the end of the school day, and of course as her luck would have it. That was when she found out that she was not as good of an actress as she had thought she was. She had just seen her last student off and was watching the little girl walk out the door with her father when the kid suddenly turned and ran back to her. The next thing Vivian knew her knees were being squeezed really tight in a hug. When little Mary let go, Vivian crouched down, a big smile on her face.
"What was that for?" She whispered to the shy little girl and Mary smiled at her.
"That was a get well soon hug. My daddy says sometimes people hurt on the inside, and the only thing that helps is get well soon hugs, so I’m giving one to you right now,"
Having said her piece, Mary ran back to her father and the two of them left.
But Vivian stayed where she was for a long time...absolutely stunned.
She had been so convinced of her own acting skills that she thought no one had noticed her heart bleeding throughout the day. But sweet little Mary had, and Vivian got the feeling that more than a few of her students had noticed as well, ( that would definitely explain all of the extra hug requests). Feeling bad that her little ones had seen her in such a state and had pretended not to know that anything was wrong for her sake, Vivian gathered her things and made her way home. The drive there was completely silent, no music playing in the background and she was not even humming to herself.
Were it up to her she would have put the entire city on mute as well. But since she could not do that, she contended with outside noises as she drove. Ignoring the fact that every little sound that came from the outside world, made her want to start screaming. Screams that she just knew would end up being sobs.
She held it together on the drive home, not even crying when she stopped at the traffic lights. But when she finally made it into her apartment, it was the silence, the very thing that she had wanted during her drive that did her in.
The quiet of her own home squeezed her tight. Pushing, and pushing until finally all of the sounds that she’d been holding in throughout the day just burst out of her.
Her cries coming straight from the heart, each and every one burning her soul.
***
When she was going to stop crying over men who did not care about her, Vivian had no idea. But she hoped that that day came soon.
Ryan Terrell had been using her the same way that Bryce had done for years.
In fact, in a way Ryan had been worse. With Bryce, Vivian had at least always known that the man did not really respect her. That he was just using her. But until she had found out about the existence of Gwendolyn Stuart the fourth, Vivian had truly believed that Ryan Terrell cared about her.
Bryce had always made sure to put her down, to belittle her. But Ryan had made Vivian feel like someone worth loving. And then he had gone and torn her heart in two revealing himself to be an even greater snake than her ex.
He was not a man worth crying over. Vivian should have been celebrating being parted from someone like him. But being her weak self, she found herself crying instead.
Now that she was home, she should have been changing out of her work clothes, and finding herself something to eat before relaxing for a bit. But instead Vivian did not even make it off the living room floor for a few long hours. She spent a ridiculous amount of time on the same spot, curled up and crying her heart out.
When she finally did move, all she did was go to her bedroom and fall face down onto the mattress, resuming her crying session. She fell asleep still dressed in her day clothes without having even eaten. But even in dreamland, Vivian could not escape her pain and she could not run away from her own questions.
Why?
Why could she never be good enough for a man just once in her life? What was so wrong with her that men only ever saw her as someone they could toy with?
