Chapter 186
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You must have actually considered telling me, there was definitely a moment of conflict in your head, right? But you didnt say anything! Not a single word, until it has come to this! So, whats it that you want me to realise? What are you up to? Do you want me to go as far as seeking you out and hearing your excuse? Is that it?
You didnt give me any chance to explain myself. You shot me.
Because you tried to catch the pigeon!
Oh. So, was shooting me to death the right thing to do then?
You tested me that morning in the cabin. You were going to get that message into your hands. Do you think I shot the ceiling because of my poor shooting skills?
Then should I say thank you for shooting the ceiling and not me?
Ahhh!
Lil waved her arms dejectedly.
What on earth were you expecting me to do? Should I have covered it up and trusted you blindly? Cut the bullshit! If you had just explained it properly, we wouldnt have gotten to this point. Were you happy that you got to twist the whole situation? That whole fucking mess mustve looked like a masterpiece to you, didnt it?
You abandoned me, who was nothing short of a corpse, in the arms of our benevolent Mother of All Things! Did the Western Pirates inspire you that much? Its their tradition of slaughtering people to the brink of death and then throwing them into the Mothers embrace!
Lil, stabbed where it stung the most, breathed in. She instantly remembered Eds bloodied face of that day.
It was the day that I never should have let Ed go
But it makes me wonder. Dont you think you were being punished for blowing countless opportunities?
Is that your idea of justice? You must be a very fair judge then. And a great one at that.
Lil looked back at that moment countless times. She regretted that she didnt raise her sword against Cesar, and even blamed herself for not jumping after Ed.
But he turned out to be the Admiral and came after me destroying the Bell RockI cant forget the Admirals bloody face on the Bell Rocks deck Now, I have a completely different kind of regret. That very day, I shouldve definitely killed Ed. Even when I thought Ed was dead, his deception continued. I never expected that he was following the Bell Rock with his fleet, while I lamented for him and accepted the fact that I would never be able to be forgivenThats why I cant even think of rejoicing about the fact that hes alive I shouldnt be happy that your life is continuing
Youre a cowardly bastard who cant even admit his mistakes. What happened was inevitable because you behaved like that.
You just didnt dare to refuse what your subordinates wanted, you wanted to play the role of being a noble judge, thinking you only had to turn away from me to achieve it.
Cut the crap! No matter how complicated the situation was, wasnt it basic instinct for the Bell Rock to know that we had to abandon anyone from the Navy? And then there are those irrespective things you said; like that you believe me or if I think youre special. Even asking me if Im in love with you? Its not even funny! If I had admitted to it, did you think I wouldnt be able to abandon you? That I was going to cover for you somehow? Instead, shouldnt you have told the truth about this crazy quest youve been on if you had the leisure time to think that way? In that case, I could at least have decided whether you were a spy or not! What a poor way of thinking you had! Im ashamed of everything I ever told you!
It was only natural for the Bell Rock to collapse because you chose to be a lover rather than a leader. If you cared so much about that ship, you shouldve noticed even the smallest signs of it collapsing. But, you couldnt go against the captain*, so you simply considered me a spy.
Who asked you to evaluate my qualities as a captain? Why dont you look at your own human qualities first? No human being should ever look down on other people. Youve been cheating me the whole time you were aboard, all the while telling me you were honoured to have met someone like me in this lifetime, and later on become angry at me for not trusting you fully. Is this what a decent person does to his fellow? What the hell did you take me for? Why did you treat me like that?!
Do you truly believe that we couldve avoided this outcome if I had told you the truth? What happened to the noble judge? Was she afraid of being suspected of unfaithfulness by the captain*? I had no idea that throwing me out there was your idea of proving your love for him?
You confessed! You, right in front of my eyes, told me that you leaked so much information to the Navy that you couldnt even remember! I wasnt even truly interrogating you. I was just standing there, waiting for you to come up with an excuse. I waited for you, you damn bastard!
Lil rushed forward, completely oblivious to the fact that she was actually trying to avoid Ed. When she closed in on him, Lil pushed him away, forgetting where she was, who she was, and who Ed was. Despite her lack of strength, the desk was moved by Eds size.
But you only kept your mouth shut! It was your choice to ruin everything. You shouldve held on to me from the moment the pigeon flew in and explained yourself, but you thought everything you had done to fool me wasnt enough. You stayed silent to test me and continued deceiving me till the very end!
Lil grabbed a handful of papers from the table next to her and threw them at him. As Ed swung his arm, the crumpled flagstick and ink splattered in all directions along with the papers.
I rather you had despised me openly! Instead you chased after me and did your best to come close to me only to stab me in the back in the end! No one has ever made me feel this small. No one! You laughed at my beliefs on the inside while praising them for being something you agree with on the outside! Youre the worst! You dont even deserve to be called a human! I thought you were the only one
who understands me Im disappointed because I thought you were the only one.
Lil, who couldnt stand that sentence, threw whatever she could get her hands on. She didnt even know at this point if Ed was dodging them, getting hit, or knocking them off.
I thought that it was the Bell Rock that had collapsed, but now I know it was actually me
She felt shattered, like a piece of wood broken by a cannonball, and she sank far too deep.
Suddenly, it was hard to breathe.
How could you
Out of breath, Lil grabbed her forehead. Her head felt dizzy. As she lowered her head, tears ran down her cheeks. She didnt even know when they had begun to flow. Her shoulders rose and fell uncontrollably, and her sobs leaked through gritted teeth as she was trying hard to control her breathing.
How could you do this
It wasnt until Lil repeated that sentence that she realised the ridiculousness of the situation.
Who am I crying in front of, and what am I complaining about? How could you do this? Admiral Retiro could do that. Hes a psychopath who couldve easily done this. To him, others are nothing but a toy. No one would be significant in his presence. And theres no denying that the man in front of me is that Admiral
Lil laughed silently.
What excuse do I want? What kind of excuse can he even use to erase the pain that has rooted in my heart? That he still has some lingering feelings? Is that what I want to hear? Its funny that Im still this pathetic even after coming back from the brink of death.
I can ask you the same thing.
Not paying Ed any attention anymore, Lil wiped her eyes with both hands. Her fingertips trembled, unclear if it was too much for her to bear the sadness or to hold back her laughter.
How could you have done that to me?
Ed, who came closer, turned Lil around. He grabbed her arms and thus removed the hands that covered her face. Because Lil still had little grip and muscle strength left, she resisted with her forearms right away, but she couldnt get away from Ed.
Why on earth
Perhaps because of the ink, his eyes looked red rather than green.
Why did you do that?
..!
The ink ran down his cheeks. Slowly, like bloody tears. Falling silently into the darkness. Ed was still buried in the pain of that time. It seemed that he couldnt control his mental wounds. It wasnt an exaggeration to say that his eyes had turned completely mad. They were the eyes of a man who had crawled out of the jaws of death.
Its my turn to question you now. Why didnt you even think of looking for me after locking me up?
Footnote:
Captain: Same goes for this chapter, Ed is talking about Cesar when he says captain.
References:
Youve been cheating me the whole time you were aboard, all the while telling me you were honoured to have met someone like me in this lifetime, and later on become angry at me for not trusting you fully = chapter 66, back in Panichi. Ed will meet Lil in a recruitment tent for new crewmembers and they start talking. After Ed tells the story about the farmer and the seed, he will say its an honour for him to meet someone like Lil.
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