Chapter 129
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Lils whole body froze and she needed time to process Eds words.
What did he say? Just now, Ed Im sure
She felt suffocated.
Even in this situation, I know very well that Im treating Ed extraordinarily by not kicking him out of the cabin right away. The reason weve come this far was that I didnt want to go back to our old relationship. Apart from his occasional rudeness, I still care for him. Im aware of that. Hes the one who has been saying the words I have longed for throughout my whole life, so his existence is special to me But, what the hell, cant he be satisfied with the patience Im giving him? Doesnt he know how hard it is to forgive after going through so much humiliation? Or see how I still want to leave room for something? Isnt this enough?
Lil had no idea how much special treatment he wanted.
Are you implying that I have certain feelings for you and I cant admit them? I didnt answer your question, so you immediately call it love? How are you in the position to ask me this just because I applied some ointment on your wound for once?
Can those certain feelings be his own cherished heart? I dont know what hes hoping for. But hes clearly waiting for me to answer.
However, she never wanted to talk about how she felt about him and even if she wanted to, she couldnt. Cesar knew best how suspicious Lil was of Ed in the beginning. Thats why, whenever she and Ed clashed in an unusual way, Cesar would watch them closely.
A wave of guilt coursed through her stomach.
I could have stayed on the deck instead of following him to his cabin in the middle of the night I could have requested that he carry his bag to the upper deck.
She couldnt decide whether she was angry at herself for being careless or at Ed for insisting profusely. Lil raised her chin. Ed had already locked his gaze on her. Her eyes suddenly sting due to being pricked by his green needles. When she tried to clench her fists, her sweaty fingers kept slipping out.
Why does he feel the need to exaggerate the fact that my attitude has become somewhat softer? Who does he think Lil Schweiz is? Havent I already emphasised that Im the Captain over and over again? Great feelings? Love? This is unforgivable After thinking about it for a long time, I finally gave him my trust, but he takes my change as a joke.
How disappointing.
His comment was the final straw for Lil. Unable to hold back her simmering anger, she started to shout.
You!
Youre the disappointment!
I finally trusted you, and now youre going to say some nonsense like this in return? Let me be clear. Youre just a sailor, nothing more nothing less.
Yes, accepting you as part of my crew took time, but Ive been treating them that way since the moment they boarded the ship. Dont think youve gained anything just because Im being more generous now.
Are you sure about that?
The moment she met his confident face, Lil realised her mistake. The first and foremost thing she overlooked was the fact she should have denied it from the beginning. Still contemplating inwardly, Lil crossed her arms, trying to remain calm.
First of all, why would I like a man?
I should have said this first. How on earth did I miss this?
Ed, on the other hand, radiated a calmness that overshadowed Lils regret. As if her concern about gender was irrelevant, he indifferently moved closer. By instinct, Lil pushed him away. She recalled that her untied gun belt was lying on the edge of the desk. Moving her head slightly, she caught a glimpse of it in the corner of her eye and gave Ed a stern warning.
I dare you to touch me one more time. Know that when you do, the trust I had in you will be gone. Well go back to the way we used to be and I wont overlook any signs of sodomy anymore.
That story again? What do you gain by erasing the past and hiding in one of your shells? Convenience?
Ed, who was standing in front of her, looked exhausted. It was Lil who was tired of her opponent, but Ed looked like he was too. This caused Lil to be increasingly confused because the person that instigated and upheld this troublesome discussion, was getting angry and fed up himself.
What are you so sick and tired of, exactly?
Lil couldnt overcome her frustration and asked.
What the hell are you hiding? What do you know and I dont?
I thought you would stop deceiving yourself in front of me, so why did you go back to being so stubborn again?
Dont just talk ambiguously about the things that you think you know. Explain it properly. Otherwise, youll never get the answer you want.
At that time, youre the one who asked!
You asked if I wouldnt mind regardless of who you are. You wouldnt ask that if you didnt want to go back to how we used to be. So I gave you my honest answer.
And even though you only silently smiled Werent you the happiest youd ever been? How can you say you dont care about me when you were so happy you nearly cried? Theres no reason to hold back in front of me. You feel at ease, right?
You said you hadnt been sleeping well, but didnt you sleep so well just now?
Or, could it be that everyone else gave you the same answer, so there really is no difference between me and them?
Lil avoided his piercing gaze. Her heart pounded violently, and with her breath caught in her throat, she pressed down her chest.
Since when is it that easy for him to see through me? I dont remember There isnt a single mistake in his words and he knows it. But I cant give him the answer The moment I do, Ill lose the little control I still have
It felt like a stiff wooden pole pierced her heart.
Your heart knows the truth so well that it shows you everything. So why cant you say it out loud? Are you afraid that it will all disappear once you open your mouth?
Lil fumbled with the necklace under her shirt. Its round curve touched her fingertips. Even though not a word was said about it, she somehow felt compelled to check it. The feeling that it could fall off at any moment, was terrifying.
The reason you asked me is obvious
Their gazes locked. Ed had been staring at Lil for quite some time now as if he was waiting to get her attention.
You want me to see you for your true self.
Stop it.
But youre still living while deceiving yourself, whats this if not deception?
Whomever you are now and who you were in the past, you want to return to your original self. But right now, youre hiding in a different shell for convenience or whatever I know it all, so dont make those futile efforts in front of me. Tell me the truth.
Lil staggered back and muttered.
No. What the hell are you talking about
A gust of wind blew through Mortus tightly closed castle. In there, Lil was swept around aimlessly. She realised it was the kind of wind that didnt just tickle her heart, but shook her entire core.
What the hell Im I supposed to do? When Serlio is just around the corner If I agree with him now, what will happen to the castle? Wont it collapse? Wont the whole land be uprooted?
With Mortu as its owner, Lil had no authority to decide on such a grand ending. But Ed, who didnt know that, continued to talk.
Ill ask you one last time, dont you feel like youre overlooking something really, really important?
Lil hid her tongue away.
How can you put me in this position and not be aware of it?
She simply couldnt answer.
Admit it. You want to be yourself in front of me.
And you know you can do that. That feeling isnt something you have in front of an ordinary sailor. In one way or another, you think of me as special.
I dont love you
It doesnt have to be love. It doesnt matter. Its not like I want to be by your side in that form.
Lils heart raced toward her neck, making even breathing painful.
So far, theres only one thing Eds after. He wants my approval Approval, that I dont downplay his significance in my life. But I can never give it
Her and Cesars world would shatter if she did that. Lil was fully aware that shes already been shaken too much.
It doesnt have to be love? That may be the case for him, but not for me Even if it isnt love, his wind will always be blowing. Like a gust of wind. Even if I dont want to, being around him has an effect on me that I cant ignore Who wouldnt want to fully step into that wind if they had the chance? Wont my desire grow? Everything is self-evident
Lil bit her lip to retain herself from answering.
If this goes on any longer, it will become dangerous.
Were running out of time. I really want to know your feelings before this shallow relationship ends
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