Chapter 723: A Snowy Slumber, Part
I wanted to completely ravage Amanda.
To take her, to usurp control, and do things to her I didn’t even think I could think. To sully her unblemished perfect white skin all over with welts from my kisses. For my fingers to be entangled in the wild, unruly curls of her long blonde hair. Have her erotic moans and frantic gasping resound piercingly in the stagnant silence of the frosty night.
A few desires of countless dozens I yearned for, but would never out loud admit to. Yet here I was, elbow joints aching by the second, with Amanda utterly defenseless right below me, whispering to me in sweet tender breaths, the hazy glint in her eyes wanting for me, asking of me... to do exactly that.
“Oh, look at you...” She cooed, gazing back at me with always the same gentle adoration that never seemed to have an end. “Anybody else, they wouldn’t even hesitate. It’s just love, it’s just right. But you... what’s the matter? You don’t have to say it to me, you know? You can just do it. I’ll know...”
“Mixed messages, Amanda,” I said, sighing wearily at her continuous stream of affection. “You’re saying you haven’t got a clue what to do, but here you are acting like you do. Are you playing? Is this another game? Am I being tested?”
“You’re not. I mean it, whether we do it, whether you think now it’s right, I really do think it’s better if I leave it to you to decide that,” She said bashfully. “All I’m doing is helping you make your decision.”
Touching me, teasing me, that’s supposed to be helping me? If this girl ain’t an undercover succubus all along, then I’m God.
.....
“Is there even a right choice here?” I asked.
“Is there even a wrong one?” She playfully threw back. “You know, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you about to finally make me into a woman before my parents rudely interrupted? ”
“That was different.”
“And the difference...?”
How do I even start to explain? Hell, how do you even begin to find the words for this? This, just nuances and feelings mixing and stacking in layers of confused senseless emotions.
“Look, I just don’t want any regrets when...”
“Regrets?” Her eyelids fluttered, her face rippling with surprise. “What regrets? You mean you? Regret you?”
“No, of course not, not what I meant,” I quickly said before she could transition into outrage. “Ah, this is just getting more complicated, isn’t it?”
“Which is why I’m giving you the chance to simplify it,” She said, suddenly a soothing comfort, her hands reaching up at me once more to caress, to accept. “Come on, just do what you want.”
Again, all my unspoken desires swelled hard beneath my surface, all my carnal thoughts forming cracks, creating fissures, carnal instinct slipping through.
It was the same with Irene, the same with Ash. But here, with her, something still didn’t feel right.
Amanda was relinquishing her choice to me, but since when was love ever a solitary decision? And since when was she the type to start getting cold feet when it counted?
From the beginning, I knew exactly what I wanted, and being with her, seeing her as she was now only bolstered my resolve a hundredfold. By all accounts, she should be feeling the same way, being with me here...
So why wasn’t she?
Slowly, I felt the crick of bone shooting through my arms, the malleable sway of the mattress in response to my shifting knees as I pulled myself off of her. Amanda shot quickly upright, sitting on curled knees and wearing the most bemused expression on her face.
“Okay,” She slowly said, incredulous. “I’ll admit, I was expecting things to go a little differently than that.”
“If you have to stop and consider if things feel right first... then that pretty much explains itself, doesn’t it?”
Amanda narrowed her lips, agreeing with heavy reluctance.
“I’m not saying I don’t want to do it.”
“I know,” I said. “But like you said, does it really have to be now, just because we’re here now?”
“It’d feel like kind of a waste not to...”
“Nothing’s wasted, Amanda. It’s alright to take our time. It can wait. I can wait. When you feel like the moment is right, then it’s right.”
Her lips thinned out even more than before.
“Ever consider that I’m just wrong? That I’m just... being really stupid right now?”
“You forgot already?’ I asked, stretching my hand out at her to lift her shoulder strap back in the proper position. “There are no wrong choices.”
She snorted.
“Besides,” I said, stifling a yawn, leaning backward and slumping my head back down on my pillow. “I didn’t even bring a condom anyway.”
My eyes were then drawn upward, the lamplight at beside casting a slender silhouette on the ceiling, unmoving for some time, until it began gliding across the white surface, disappearing from my sight just as the bed rocked lightly close on my other side.
“I know what you’re thinking...” Amanda muttered, huddling closer and resting her head on my chest. “It’s just sex, it’s just making love... why am I so hung up about it?”
“Okay, now you’re being stupid,” I said, glancing down at the top of her head. “How you feel matters, Amanda. It’s your body, it’s your love, and it’s only up to you to decide when and who to give it to.”
“I just feel like we’re only doing this because it’s just the natural thing to do, you know?” She sighed, her voice smothered by her own frustration. “Not because we chose to, or plan to. I suppose I... I just don’t want to give myself to you as a result of a mere whim. I want something... a little more special to happen before I commit myself.”
Amanda then made a noise that was somewhere between a grimace and self-ridicule.
“I sound silly, don’t I?” She asked, placing a hand on her face in an attempt to hide from the shame. “Like some naive pampered princess thinking her life’s a fairytale. So choosy, so picky. Ah, I feel so childish.”
“Well, I think it’s adorable,” I said, grinning. “Get a heart-shaped bed, put some rose petals on the sheets, a row of scented candles to set the mood...”
“Don’t start.”
“I also think it’s the least you deserve,” I added on. “But the choosy, picky princess that you are, all you’re asking from me is for the perfect time.”
“Oh, sorry,” She spoke airily. “Should I ask for more?”
“Yes, you should, you deserve more,” I said. “I want to give you more.”
Amanda made another cryptic noise except only not as cynical. For a while, she just laid there... content with the quiet as I absentmindedly stroke her hair. She might have already gone to sleep, all signs were pointing to that notion... save for the scoff I faintly heard resound, and the nuzzling motion of her head, dragging itself closer toward my neck.
“Thinking of something?” I asked.
“Thinking of you,” She replied, tilting up slightly and showing a glimpse of a smile. “How you might make quite the good father.”
I blinked. “What?”
“Kind, patient, considerate, and so eager to spoil,” Amanda lifted her head a little higher, and it slightly rattled me that she wasn’t bursting out laughing and saying ‘I’m kidding’. “Seriously, if you were to have any children... I mean, if we were to have any... like, maybe, a daughter?”
“Hold on, Amanda.”
But seeing that twinkle in her eyes, I knew there was no derailing this chugging train of thought.
“Just imagine it. A little girl. My hair, your eyes, running around the place, laughing while you give chase. I’ll be on one side, cooking dinner maybe. What do you think?”
“Umm...”
“Actually, how would she even turn out?” Amanda frowned in ponder. “Would she inherit some of your magic? Would she turn out to be purely human like me? One-quarter deity. How would she even react when we tell her?”
This was getting awfully intricate. How was she even thinking this far ahead... and why does she look so absolutely in bliss thinking about it even more.
“And when she gets a boyfriend of her own...” Amanda went on, a gleeful tone to her words. “Would history repeat itself? Would you be like my dad? Would I act like my mom? Wanting the absolute best for our precious little bundle of joy, and refusing to accept any less. You know what? I can actually see you doing all that. Cradling her in your hands as a baby, planting the streamers for her first birthday, comforting her as she loses her first tooth, I can see it all...”
“Amanda,” I finally found a moment to interrupt. “If you really want kids that bad... y’know, it’s not too late to change your mind.”
Laughter. Loving, jovial laughter told me she was fine again, back to her usual cheery self, as she wrapped her hand around my chest, a drawling yawn echoing her exhaustion.
“Maybe next time.”
“You’re thinking of kids, ” I tacked on, half-chuckling. “You don’t even have a ring around your finger yet.”
“Hmm,” She glanced down at her finger. “Well that’s kind of your problem to solve, isn’t it?”
My problem to solve, huh?
It was quiet again, peaceful again, the snow falling, the night prolonging, the cold kept at bay in our shelter of one another. After a while, Amanda’s eyelids began to droop, her breathing was becoming more shallow, and more and more, I felt the tension oozing away her body as she gradually succumbed to slumber.
“I’m still a little amazed at you, you know?” She remarked, speaking with eyes closed shut and the faintest slur to her words. “Out of all the guys I’ve met, you’re probably the only one to turn down the chance to sleep with me.”
Wow, guess sleepiness amplifies ego to the max.
“Should consider myself blessed too, huh?” I said, indulging her senseless murmurings. “For being the lucky one that actually managed to get this close to you.”
Amanda feebly smiled at that.
“And the only one that ever will... and if you want it to stay that way...” rustling, she spoke again, sleep draining the strength of the last of her words, clinging onto me even tighter. “Then promise you’ll stay close.”
“Of course,” I said, finally shutting my own eyes closed. “Till death do us part.”
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