Chapter 585: Missed Moments
I very nearly had something to say, very nearly meeting her surprise gesture with words, but not of gratitude. Having these tickets in my hand, feeling the residual warmth from when she still held them in hers... the last thing I could be feeling now was gratitude.
It took a moment to find the words, and just when I thought I finally did find them... Amanda found hers first.
“Okay, listen, look...” Amanda spun her entire body towards me, pushing a finger to my mouth with wide unblinking eyes pleading for me to hear her out. “Do not dare give them back to me, do not dare say you don’t want them. I know you’re feeling bad, I know you’ll probably feel like the worst boyfriend in the universe taking them from me. But please believe me, like really, really believe me, when I tell you I want you to have them.”
There was a pause, and I pounced for it, wriggling my lips free from her binds, “Amanda, I can’t just take them and – ”
“Yes, you can! Listen to me, just take them, I want you to take them,” Before I could even react, Amanda’s speedy hands swiped the tickets from my grip, stuffing them deep, deep down my coat pocket. “You go with Ash. you make her happy, you make her one wish come true, alright? Easy-peasy.”
“And what about you?” I demanded before she could interrupt me again. “Asking me to take them is the same thing as asking me to just forget about you.”
“No, you won’t. You won’t forget about me, you can never,” She said, confident, half-amused, half-exasperated. “That’s the one single drawback to this. Even if I tell you to, you won’t forget. The entire time, I’ll be on your mind. And sadly, try as I might, I can’t stop you from thinking without violating some human rights act. Just do me a favor, try not to be too obvious about it, won’t you? Or else Ash will get suspicious.”
.....
Oh, how I hated this... this tug of war on all sides, I could almost physically feel myself being pulled in all kinds of directions by vastly diffrent emotional fronts. But nothing was more a kick to the heart than having Amanda assuring me that it’s okay. No, this wasn’t okay. So why was she trying so hard to make it out to be that way?
“Anyway, I think it’s my cue to abruptly change the subject now...” Amanda said, rising to her feet, clicking close, and powering down the camcorder by her side. “Because I think we’re just about done here now.”
Then there she went, quickly striding off out of the room, making the choice for me to stay or go. I followed after her, and with every step she took that I made right after, it felt more as if I was chasing her down than actually just trailing her... and in a way, I guess I was in a sort of pursuit, made even more arduous by the things in my pocket weighing me down like anchors.
This wasn’t over yet.
“Just like that?” I muttered, faint whispered words turned to magnified echoes in the empty halls of the fourth floor. “You really have nothing more to say about this?”
And just as well, my ears caught the quiet sigh she blew out right after.
“I really don’t, no,” She flatly answered. “But I know you do, and I know you have a lot, but I’m telling you, you don’t have to. If I was at all reluctant, if I really didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Because you’re you, Amanda,” I said, nearly slipping following after through a sharp corner. “If someone’s struggling, distress, you wouldn’t hesitate, especially if it’s someone like me... you’ll do anything to help, even if it’s at your own expense.”
“Oh, gee, and I wonder where I must have picked that up from?” She said, throwing back a dry glance. “Must be quite the bad influence, should probably cut ties, huh?”
“You should be upset,” I said, every word bouncing down in time to the hard concrete steps to the third floor. “You set up a date and time, you put in so much effort, and here I am daydreaming about something else instead.”
“Is that how you saw it?” She chuckled at that, while also simultaneously picking up her pace, “Wow, that’s some mad arrogance.”
“You’re not even a little annoyed at me?” I asked, striding quicker to match her speed. “You’re really this willing to let this whole thing slide?”
“Livestearms are a thing, for your information. Not like I’ll be missing it out on anything anyway.”
“That’s beside the point,” I groaned. “It’s not just the tickets. It’s me, it’s you – times like this, it feels as if you’re too generous for your own good.”
“So you just want me upset then, is that it? You want me mad? If that’s what it takes to convince you, then I think I can do that, umm, let’s see...” She briefly paused, making a clear show out of clearing her throat before expelling a disgruntled breath. “Ah, you! You sleazy pig! You’re seriously just the worst! I got all dressed up, got everything all planned out. I was so, so looking forward to today! But you can’t even be bothered to pay attention to me just for a single day, just for a few hours? Ah, I’m so frustrated!”
Mocking, taunting, the usual ploys she’d deploy to try and diffuse the tension. She was using it again, with a hint of a smile in her tone... but for some reason, it wasn’t working as effectively this time.
“Argh, I really don’t get it! Why? Why is it like this? Am I really that boring of a companion? That vapid, that I can’t even keep your attention? Even after trying so hard, even after wanting so bad,” She continued on, and at a certain point, I wasn’t at all sure which side of her was the facade anymore. “Is it me, after all? Am I just not that good enough for you compared to everyone else? Is that it? Is it? Had to resort to letting you talk about other girls just to retain your interest?! And them, you can go on and on about! They don’t even have to try, they already have your attention But me? I can barely just hold you over! Am I that bad? Am I really that – ?”
I caught up close enough to be able to reach out and pull her to a dead stop, my grip tight on her wrist in fear she’d try to pull free. Her eyes widened, freezing, slowly turning back around, slightly startled.
“Hey, hey, relax, I’m not being serious,” She told me, reverting back to a softer, gentler voice. “I didn’t mean any of it, and hey, you asked for it! I was just playing around...”
“Uh-huh,” I said, nodding, staring, our distances shortening. “Or maybe I’m just not the only one who was seeing it that way...”
There’s that smile forming again, that chuckle resounding again, and that disbelieving stare... always so springy. “Why can’t you accept that I’m really fine with it? I feel for you, I want to help you, and so I did. Why can’t we just leave it at that? Why can’t you just say thank you and move on?”
“Do you want me to just thank you? Do you want me to just move on?” I asked her. “The next time, the time after... do you want me to just keep thanking you every single time too?”
Then one by one, the beam in her smile, the kindness in her stare, and the joy in her voice – they all instantly froze. In my grip, I felt her hand curl into a fist, “That’s not what I’m telling you to do...”
“Tell me, then, because I still haven’t a single clue,” I asked, edging closer. “What are you telling me to do?”
It seems even Amanda was unsure herself. Ten seconds went by, and a full minute it became before I heard anything else coming from her narrowed lips.
“Do you know why I bought the tickets in the first place?” She suddenly asked me. “It wasn’t just an excuse for another date, another event to try and get you all to myself. Well, it was that, but it was also – I... I bought them because I wanted something special for myself... a kind of special memory... a special moment, just me and you, you know?”
“A special moment?”
Amanda nodded once, a fleeting smile faltering. “I never have one of my own... I don’t think. Just a time, just a moment, when it’s me, you, and nobody else. With Ash, Irene, it just kinda happened, didn’t it? Nobody forced it to happen, and I don’t want to force it either. Maybe I’m being greedy, or perhaps I’m just a glut for affection... but I’ve been wanting one for so long now... been trying for one, one of these days perhaps... somehow out of sheer luck, that it’ll finally be my turn soon.”
Her cheeks were a bit flushed. It was understandable – something so frivolous, so ridiculous as this having to confess it would make anybody grimace. Yet, hearing her say it in the way she said it... it didn’t sound too ridiculous.
“A typical relationship, you don’t usually have to try and cut in line, you know? Get your time in the spotlight...” She muttered. “But I didn’t mind it, if that’s what it took to be with you – so be it. So that’s what those tickets were for, you see? Me cutting in line. A one-way ticket hopefully to that special moment with you.”
“And you’re giving it away...” I said.
“Because I realize, as special and memorable as it’ll be for me...” She lowered her head, letting out a little breath of acceptance. “For Ash, it’ll be a thousand times more memorable and special... so what is it exactly that I’m telling you to do, you ask? It’s simple, share it with her, that special moment, because clearly, it’s her moment now... not mine. ”
I must have pulled some kind of face, for immediately after, Amanda softened hers, forming again that gentle assuring look, intertwining our hands together, burying my fingers in the warmth of her mittens.
“Come now, we’re all adults here, aren’t we? We all learned how to share, didn’t we? I’m fine. It’s you here that’s the one struggling,” She remarked, her eyes observing my expression. “Not easy the harem life, is it? You win some, you lose some... and in this case... I suppose this has to be my loss, then, huh?”
“I’m sorry...” I told her, and immediately she went and burst into full-blown laughter.
“Why the hell are you saying sorry for, you dummy?” She asked, after many failed attempts at containing her amusement. “There’s always next time, right? There are still plenty of chances to have something special. It’s just a matter of time. For now, why don’t you really say what you have to say in the first place?”
Our breaths were in-sync, and every motion of our bodies was too... shifting in closer to her, I could feel her breathing getting faster. When she blinked, I followed along. When she jutted her lips forward, I leaned mine closer. And when she closed her eyes, I shut mine right after.
Once more our breaths were in-sync, and beyond that, they were as one... still mirroring each other’s every action. She clenched my hands, I gripped back. Her light moans harmonious with my heavy groans. Her lips pressed hard against me... and I pressed back even harder.
Then we broke apart, with a gasp, with a shudder, holding her close still, I muttered, “Thank you.”
Amanda smiled, her lips faintly gleaming with drool. She raised a sleeve to her face, rubbing away... and when she dropped it back dpwm again, I realized then she had also rubbed away her smile.
“It’s funny...” She spoke softly, batting once at me, her gaze long and staring distant. “I never realized you’ve become this good of a kisser. It’s like you’re so used to it already, and meanwhile, I barely even knew what I was doing... you must have had plenty of practice in-between, haven’t you? Unlike me...”
It’s not as if she was even looking for an answer, she didn’t look at me as if she wanted one. She was wondering, musing... and I just happened to be there to listen in on her thoughts.
Her true thoughts.
“It makes me wonder, actually...” Another look on her face, another long stare almost dimly obscured by her bangs, and another amused chuckle... a weak one at that. “Just how many special moments have you had already?”
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