Volume 13 Chapter 9 - Parent
Part 1
The moment the Hydra breathed its last, the crystal prison shattered.
Zenith was alive.
Though unconscious, she was breathing.
Scattered about the surrounding area were dozens of huge magic crystals and a large quantity of magic stones that comprised the Hydra's scaly armor.
Further inside the room, a large amount of magic items had been dropped.
If I sold those, I would become filthy rich.
However, no one gleefully went to pick the treasure up.
I surprised myself, at how detached I was completing the work.
There was a surreal feeling, like being in a dream.
I would reply if asked, but my thoughts were empty.
There was another me who seemed to be answering involuntarily.
I cremated the remains of Paul in that place.
Even though there were various reasons, I wanted to take the corpse back home with me.
But regarding the conduct of how to handle the dead inside a labyrinth, I did as I was told.
Only three items remained to be passed on as family heirlooms.
Paul's thin metal breastplate.
His tantou, which could inflict heavy damage on the toughest of opponents.
And lastly, Paul's beloved sword, which he always carried around.
Under the care of my Fire Magic, Paul became a pile of bones in the blink of an eye.
Elinalise said that if I buried it now how it is, there was a chance Paul's bones could resurrect into a skeleton, and I agreed.
That being the situation, I broke off a single bone that I may take home with me.
I made a small vessel out of soil, and placed the bone I broke off inside of it.
"…"
There was a mysterious feeling.
My chest clenched up very tightly, and I did not understand the meaning of this feeling.
"Let's go back."
On the return trip, I was worthless.
My surefooted steps were unstable now.
Although I used magic to defeat enemies, if Roxy was not near my side, I would have more than likely stepped on a trap.
Whenever I made a mistake, no one scolded me.
Elinalise, Roxy, Talhand, and Gisu all said nothing.
There were not even the comfortable words of complaint.
Everyone was at a loss for words.
We escaped from the labyrinth after the third day.
Everyone took turns helping to carry Zenith for this long time.
Even though there were moments of intense combat in the labyrinth, Zenith never woke.
Though I was anxious, however, since she was still drawing breath I was eventually persuaded that she was alive.
What we said to the three who waited for us back in town, I don't remember.
Certainly, Elinalise and Gisu gave a detailed explanation.
I was unable to say anything.
What could I say? There was nothing.
Shera broke down crying, and Vera fell to her knees in shock.
Even seeing such a scene, I was incapable of saying anything.
Lilia's reaction was different.
She had an expressionless face.
Concealing her own facial expression, she looked at me, and brought me into her tight embrace.
She conveyed so many feelings to me all at once: 'You've been through a lot, haven't you?' 'Thank you for all your hard work,' 'You can leave the rest to me,' 'Please, rest for a while.'
I, who had such a feeling of emptiness, had to put forth some effort to nod in agreement.
When I came back to the hotel, I took off my robe.
Looking around the shoulder area of the robe, I see a deep tear.
I should repair it with some sewing.
Though I thought that, I tossed the robe at some corner of the room.
Aqua Heartia, the tool bag, I tossed everything on top of the robe…
I collapsed in a heap onto the bed.
Part 2
That evening I had a dream.
In that dream, I was in my previous form.
The form of the slovenly and subservient NEET.
However, Hitogami did not come out.
There was no white-colored room either.
It was just a memory of my previous life.
That's right, just a dream about my previous life.
I don't recall exactly when it was.
But I remembered a scene of that time.
In my previous live, at my house, even down to how my living room looked.
And then, the dream shifted to my previous life's parents talking about me in the living room.
Because it was just a scene in a dream, I didn't hear any voices.
However strangely, it was clear to me that I was the point of the discussion.
Were my parents at that time worried about me?
I didn't even know the cause of my parent's death.
Even though the both of them died at the same time, I wasn't even sick about it.
Was it an accident? Or, perhaps it was suicide?
Just before the moment of their death, I wonder what they thought of me.
How could I think of my own self as anything other than that of a shameless NEET?
Surely, there would have been an irritated feeling.
Yeah, or at least thoughts about how I was deplorable.
But, the truth is, I just don't know.
Sometimes, I saw my mother’s face.
Or father whom, after a certain point tired of dealing with me, stopped saying anything at all.
At the time of their death, did they think about me for even an instant?
And then, there was me. Me, who didn't even attend their funeral. What was I even thinking?
To not even gather the bones of my parents; what on earth was I thinking?
Why? Why did I not even go to their funeral?
I was scared.
Even though my parents died, I could not lay my eyes upon them and grieve.
Other’s turned eyes of contempt and hostility towards this sheetty NEET.
Of course that wasn't all it was.
I was in no way an admirable person.
Actually, at that time, I didn't think the death of my parents to be a sad thing at all.
I don't think I was sad, because I didn't think my parents had any love for me.
The feeling of, [This is bad, what am I going to do now?] was stronger than the feelings of caring about the death of my parents.
From this point, I wasn't even able to stomach looking at myself.
I do not intend to justify my actions; it was just something that I did.
This situation of losing my last refuge of escapism put me between a rock and a hard place; this situation suddenly threw me unprepared into the depths of reality.
Everyone wants to have one or two places to escape himself or herself.
Though I have regrets, I however, am not being blamed.
But, at the very least,
I should have at least gone to the funeral.
I just cannot understand what was in my thoughts at that time.
I should have at least seen the last face of my parents.
I should have at least picked up their bones.
Was the last face of Paul not worth worrying about?
It wasn't a laughing face.
It wasn't even a face that seemed satisfied.
However, clinging to the corners of the mouth was a hint of a relieved smile.
What were your last words going to be?
What kind of faces did my previous parents express when they died?
Why? Why didn't I see it?
Oh, how much I wanted to return and see their faces.
Part 3
The next day.
Waking up was the worst.
The feeling of wanting to do nothing exerted its influence over my whole body.
However, somehow I cheated it, and got out of bed.
I went to the next room, to Lilia and Zenith.
When Lilia sees me, she gives me a look of astonishment.
"Rudeus-sama, are you feeling all right now?"
"…Sort of, for the time being. Wouldn't it be troublesome if I kept resting?"
"It's okay even if Rudeus-sama needs to rest a bit longer, no one would mind it at all."
Listening to Lilia's advice, I went to the bedroom where I followed an urge to keep resting.
However, more than that, there was an urge to do something, the feeling I had to keep moving forward.
"Please allow me to remain here."
"…Is that how it is? Understood, please, have a seat then."
In the end, I decided to examine Zenith’s state, with the company of Lilia.
How many days has Zenith been asleep for now?
It was three days out of the labyrinth, one day to Lapan, and so on the fourth day, she has still not awoken?
No matter how many times I look at her, it seems to me that she is just asleep.
Even though she's been asleep for however many days, I don't get the sense that she's lost any weight.
Rather, she's actually very healthy looking.
The same way the Zenith in my memory looked.
Nor, does it seem that she's aged even a little more.
Her hands and cheeks felt warm to the touch, and when I put my ear near her mouth, I heard her breathing.
It's just she hasn't woken up.
Maybe she'll be this way for a while.
If she stays like this, won't she eventually weaken and die?
Such a thought instantly crossed my mind.
However, I don't dare speak it aloud.
There are things I don't need to say, and there are things I just shouldn't.
Lilia and I just quietly watched over Zenith.
Occasionally, Vera or Shera would come and talk.
However, what they talked about didn't remain in my memory.
I ate a meal with Lilia.
I wasn't feeling very hungry, and the food managed to stick to my throat.
Though I tried to wash it down with water, I nearly vomited it out anyway.
It wasn't until midday that there was any kind of change in the condition of Zenith.
Lilia watching with me saw Zenith slowly opening her eyelids with a small groan,
"Mmn…"
In that room were Lilia, Vera, and I.
Vera immediately ran off to call the others.
I attentively watched over her as she tried to straighten her body upright.
Normally, when someone is asleep for a number of days, it's difficult to sit up.
However, Zenith was able to sit up almost entirely on her own, with a little help from Lilia.
"Good Morning, Madam."
Lilia's smile blooms when she spoke to Zenith.
Zenith after rising up looked at Lilia with a particularly dim face.
"…Mm?"
Zenith's voice.
It was a familiar voice to me.
If I thought about it, when I was born into this world, I had heard her voice first.
A voice that emits a feeling of relief.
I felt relieved.
Paul had died.
However, we managed to save the person whom Paul wanted to rescue.
She was safely alive.
We accomplished Paul's will.
When Zenith hears that Paul has died, she will begin to mourn.
And, most likely, cry.
However, between Lilia, Zenith, and I, we can at least share the grief three-ways.
"Mother…"
It seems like now is not the best time to say it.
When she is able to take it easy and understand the present situation a bit better.
It'll be fine after that.
It's best to take things slowly and sequentially.
I don't think it would be wise at all to push the harsh reality on her so suddenly.
First, meeting Zenith after all this time, shouldn't it be a pleasant thing?
"…?"
Zenith had a look of mild confusion.
With an action, she pushed my chest away.
She had forgotten me.
It can't be helped.
It's the same as it was with Roxy.
Because time has passed, my face has changed.
It might be a shock now, but it'll become a funny story later.
"Madam, this here is Rudeus. It's been nearly ten years since you saw him last."
"…"
Zenith stares at me absent-mindedly.
And then moves her stare to Lilia.
In my mother’s eyes they reflect the face of Lilia.
"…?"
And then she returned to looking confused again.
The eyes of Lilia open wide.
Something strange is going on.
Definitely strange.
For a while now, Zenith's face was expressionless.
It's peculiar that she managed to get up after so long.
But, perhaps something else is the matter?
I don't have the words for it.
She can only groan.
And the current gesture,
A gesture that makes it seem like she has forgotten Lilia.
I can understand if it's just me, but how can she possibly forget the existence of Lilia?
Lilia grew a little older, sure.
But, not so much that there was a drastic change.
Even her hairstyle and clothes are the same as always.
"…Ae…A—…"
Her voice was poor.
Her eyes were dim.
Her words were lost.
We can only observe her reaction.
"Madam…could it possibly be…?"
Lilia seemed to notice it too.
[Could it possibly be?]
We understood the meanings of those words there.
It's a joke right, that she lost her mind?
Lilia and I talked about this many times.
"…"
We reached a conclusion immediately.
Though Zenith reacts to our voices.
However, she cannot reply with words.
That it's possible she can't understand what we are saying.
"Rudeus-sama… the madam… is lost."
Zenith lost everything.
Her memories, knowledge, and wisdom.
All three things that is vital to form a person.
She's an invalid.
She's not capable of remembering Paul.
My mother doesn’t even remember Lilia or I.
Who? How? What happened that it became like this?
To be not able to remember anything,
In other words, she cannot grieve the death of Paul.
We cannot share the grief with Zenith,
Such a fact is now made clear.
"Ah…”
My heart is broken.
Part 4
Since then, I wonder how many days have passed.
My sense of time has become vague.
Waking, sleeping.
Sleeping, waking.
I repeated the motions many times.
When I slept, my dreams kept playing back the moments of Paul's death.
Paul slashes the Hydra.
The Hydra's neck swings around.
Paul pushes me away to evade the attack.
Then Paul moves and the Hydra moves.
I am unable to move.
Paul kicks me and sends me flying out of the way. The head of the Hydra falls in front of me.
Then, I jump to my feet.
I take a moment to reaffirm that I'm not in a dream, and then drop myself back into the bed.
I did not have the energy to stand.
Only enough energy to think; my thoughts are only on Paul.
Paul.
That guy.
He was by no means a praiseworthy guy at all.
He was a scumbag philanderer, and an egotistical show-off.
He was weak to adversity, and quick to escape to the bottle.
Surely, as material for a father, he would be disqualified.
But… I loved him.
But, it was a different kind of love.
The love of Paul was very different.
The Paul I came to know was more like a "partner-in-crime.”
While my mental age was superior, Paul's physical age was superior.
Even if you accounted for all the knowledge of my previous life, because I was a shut-in for at least ten years of that life, Paul probably had the upper hand in life experience.
But that doesn't matter.
Age doesn't matter.
When I talked with Paul, I got the strong feeling he and I were the same type of man.
I was never able to see him as a "father.”
When I was a child, I never really thought much of him.
But,
Paul took the time to raise me properly, as his child.
This child, born from the contents of a deplorable thirty year old,
And who, no matter how others observed him, he exhibited strange behavior.
Paul saw me as family, and never looked away in shame.
There were certain parts that father and son couldn't meet.
But even then, this guy saw me without fail, as his relation.
There was never a time when he treated me like an outsider.
To the very end, I was his son.
He saw me only as his [son], the superman.
We were completely backwards.
But that guy had been my father the entire way.
And he continued being a father, even while he had to move around and balance so many things.
And then, he protected me until the very end.
He, the father, protected me, the son.
He risked it all, to save me.
Because it was the most natural act he could do as a father.
And because of that, he died.
It's a strange story.
Me, who isn't a child,
Paul, who was the father,
Paul, who had two real children,
Unlike my fake self, I mean, authentic, genuine children.
Unlike my fake self, who had his soul from another world put in a male body, he had two docile, cute daughters.
Norn and Aisha.
Now, I will have to be the one to protect them.
Don't you have two wives as well?
Zenith, who you searched hard for over so many years and finally found,
And Lilia, who supported you all that time until you could find her.
Two wives and two daughters.
Four people in total.
How could you leave these four people behind, Paul?
Weren't they the most important people to you?
…for Paul, perhaps I might have been one of those as well.
Two wives, two daughters, and his only son.
All five of us are equally important to him.
Although, I never watched him in the capacity of a father,
That guy's thoughts always cherished me.
AAH! SHEET! WHY THE FU- ARGH!
Paul.
Please, please forgive me…
How many times did you say it?
[Rudi, I'll try and treat you like a man.]
Did you treat me as a man?
I got married, I bought a house, I took in my sisters, and I felt like I became properly independent.
I came to help you. I even took an active role in the labyrinth party.
It was my intention to remain independent.
Did you have any trouble seeing it?
And at the end, helping me, even at the cost of your own life. What did you want to tell me with your last words?
Yet, why?
Damn it, why…
Why did you still protect me, who became independent?
When I have to go back to Norn and Aisha, how do I tell them about you?
With the current state of things, how should I explain it to them?
To the extent of Zenith, what should I do for her?
And from this point ahead, how should I continue?
Can you teach me, Paul?
Truthfully, what did you think about at the end?
Sheet.
Did you expect to die?
Ahh, godd*mn it!
Why did I have to let you die, Paul, just when you were finally going to be free of all your worries.
…If only he lived, no one else would have to be troubled in the end.
[Hah, this is no good, isn't it?]
Sadness overflowed.
My tears endlessly spill out.
During my life… no, my previous life, when my mother and father died, I never truly wept.
I didn't even think it was a sad thing.
Yet, when Paul died, the tears came.
It's sad.
It's hard to believe.
The one guy who wasn't supposed to disappear had disappeared.
Paul was my father.
He was my father.
Even if I never thought of him as a father,
As much as the ones of my previous life, he was my parent.
Part 5
I think and think,
I cry and cry,
I am so exhausted.
[…I don't want to do anything.]
With my lethargy, I have not been able to move from this one room.
Even if I know there are things that still need to be done, I cannot muster the energy.
I don't have enough power to leave the room even.
I sleep, I wake, and I sit.
Days wasted with barely changing my body posture.
Lilia and Elinalise took the time to come check up on me.
They talked about something with me.
However, I do not remember what it was.
It felt like I was suddenly listening to an unknown language, and I was unable to understand the words that they spoke.
Even if I understood the meaning of the words, it's still just as likely that I wouldn't have been able to give a proper reply.
I did not have the words.
I did not have the words, even for them.
Supposing,
Suppose for a moment that I, for example, could have handled a sword better in combat.
Then, I also could have helped in severing the neck of the Hydra.
Would Paul really have had to die then?
Paul and I would slice the heads off, and then Roxy and I would seal it with flames.
If I had been able to decapitate heads too, we could have defeated it far more easily than what actually happened.
Even if I could have at least worn touki.
Or, if I could have just dodged out of the way a bit faster.
By evading the attack of the Hydra, Paul wouldn't have had to protect me.
Or,
If I walloped Paul hard at that time, and made us return at once.
When we returned, we could have calmly held a strategy meeting.
We may have come up with a good plan for how to handle it.
Not the impulsive way we barely managed, but a really good idea.
If the plan was different, if it was just even a little different…
However, it's too late.
Paul has died.
I can no longer see the dead face of my parent.
Even if I come up with anything now, it is already far too late.
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