185 Miss You
~ SASHA ~
Zev turned from pulling on his leathers, still buckling his belt. “No,” he said shortly. “That bitch is scrambling because we got loose and now she knows she’s got a problem. I’m not buying any of this shit about remorse and how she was going to free us herself—”
“But what if it’s true!?” Sasha said abruptly. “Zev… please… I know this has been rough, but I talked to her before things got crazy. I told you, she thought you were going to sleep for hours yet.”
“So she told you—but what if it was just a plan to make sure I was alone when I woke up?”
“No, Zev, you don’t understand, the conversation we had by ourselves before things got out of hand… We were already talking about ways to find peace—”
Zev growled. “Everyone throws that word around like we can just pluck it out of the air. Like it’s nothing but a simple decision—”
“It is!” Her heart thudded in her ears. Sasha hurried forward, Zan still hugged to her shoulder, but now drifting off to sleep. She needed to change him, but by the time she had that done—she was still struggling to learn how to tie the cloths so they were secure—Zev would be gone, already prowling the encampment and riling himself up again. “Zev, please,” she breathed as she hurried across the cave to him. “Please… it doesn’t have to be like this.”
Zev went very still, his eyes locked on hers and blazing. “Like what?” he snapped.
“We don’t have to plan for war! We can talk to these people—what do we lose by talking?! We wished they’d talked to us when we showed up.”
.....
“Exactly. You want to talk to people who didn’t have the decency—”
“They’ve done a lot of things that were decent, too!” she insisted. “They never kept Zan away from us—they cared for him. They gave me advice… Jayah would be here if—”
Zev’s eyes flashed with a warning and she cut off, but didn’t submit. They both stood there, staring warnings at each other, and a little part of Sasha’s heart died.
She needed her mate. She needed Zan’s father. She needed… she just needed to feel loved again and like… like the entire world wasn’t out to get them.
Which was what Zev needed, too, she realized.
With a heavy sigh, she turned to lay the now-sleeping Zan on the furs, praying the messy diaper wouldn’t wake him, then returned to her mate with empty arms.
Zev watched her warily, his jaw was rolling.
Sasha shook her head. “Do you feel like I’m the enemy as well?” she breathed, tears threatening again.
“Of course not,” he said immediately, and his voice was softer than it had been. Gentler. But his expression didn’t relax. “I just think you’re too quick to forgive and… trust.”
“Zev… not every person is out to destroy you.”
“I know that,” he snarled. “I already left two Anima wolves wandering around our camp free because everyone thinks they can be trusted but me, and I…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Sasha… You always said we had different strengths. You said when we had a physical problem, it was mine to fight.”
“And it is. It will be. I just… I’m not convinced this is that problem, Zev,” she breathed, stepping right up to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning against him. “If they want peace, if they’ll agree to it… isn’t that what we want?”
He brought his hands up to her face, cupping her jaw on both sides, staring down at her, his forehead furrowed like she was a book he was having trouble reading.
“Peace,” he murmured, his eyes still locked on hers. “True peace? Freedom? Yes. Yes, that’s what we want,” he said, his voice dark and thick. “But how do we get it, Sash? If I walk out there tomorrow and tell that female that sure, fine, let’s all just live like one big happy family, what happens next?
“She outnumbers us four to one. She’s established. She’s got shelter, resources, weapons… so much that we don’t.”
“If she’s offering peace—”
“How do we know she isn’t just offering it to get us to relax so she can split us up? Or kill us? Or enslave us—”
Sasha groaned. “They don’t have slaves, Zev.”
“How do you know?”
“Look at Jayah and the other healers! Look at how Tarkyn tried to help us get out—you really think those people have been living in a society that just… enslaves people?”
“No. But they’ve been fucked up by the humans just like us! At least, their Queen has. I told you, get Elreth out of the way and I’ll talk to the rest of them. But don’t tell me to trust that bitch. She’s strong and cruel and selfish, and I’m not putting anyone—least of all my son—in her hands!”
“But… if she’s admitting she was wrong—”
“It’s easy to say you were wrong when it’s been proven to you,” Zev growled, letting her go and turning away to pick up his shirt and pull it on. “Show me a leader who’s willing to admit they’re wrong while they’re neck-deep in their own pride… then I might listen.”
“Like you, Zev?” she said softly.
Zev froze in the act of tugging his shirt down over his abs. He stared at her, not breathing. Like she’d drawn a weapon on him.
“You saying I’m prideful, Sash?” he asked so quietly, so carefully, she couldn’t tell if he was hurt or angry.
Sasha swallowed and shook her head. “No. I’m saying… I’m saying it’s really hard when you’re certain you’re right to look at things a different way. But sometimes… sometimes we have to, Zev. Please. I—”
She reached for him, but he jerked out of her grip, staring at her like he’d never seen her before. “Seriously? You saw what they did to me. You know!”
Her tears flooded then, blurring her vision and stealing away the sight of her mate staring at her like she’d just plunged a knife into his back.
“I do know, Zev. I do. And I begged for you. I pleaded for you. I did everything I could so they’d let you out of those bonds. They didn’t know—not what you’d been through—”
“I don’t give a flying fuck about what else they knew! They tied me that way because they knew it would stop me from shifting. Stop me from protecting you and Zan and… I can’t believe you’re taking their side on this.” He backed away from her, towards the door, shaking his head. But Sasha hurried after him.
“I’m not! Zev! I’m not! Please, don’t leave—”
“I need to go for a walk.”
“No! I’m sorry, I just wanted to talk to you when no one else was—Zev, please—”
“I need a break.”
“Zev! Don’t!” she leaped after him, grabbing his arm and Zev turned into a whirlwind, throwing himself around with a guttural snarl, whipping his arm high and wide to break her grip, and almost backhanding her as he did. The air of the swing rushed across her cheek and her hair fluttered in the wind of it.
Sasha froze, wide-eyed, and Zev did too.
“I wasn’t… that wasn’t—”
“I know, Zev. I know. It was a reaction. Reflex. I know. I get it,” she said, swallowing back the fear that was suddenly creeping into her throat. “But that’s the thing… we all have those. Even… even our enemies. We all have stuff that makes us just react where we can’t even think. And if that’s all anyone ever judged us by… we’d all look like enemies.”
He blinked, staring at her, the muscles at the back of his jaw flexing and twitching. Sasha stood right at his toes, staring back, pleading with him in her mind to hear her. To soften.
He cursed under his breath and turned away, glaring at the side of the cave, those muscles still flexing as he ground his teeth.
“Fine,” he muttered.
“What—”
“I’ll agree to the talks,” he said. Relief rushed through her chest, though his brows were shoved down into a V over his nose, and he hadn’t met her eyes again yet. Then he finally turned back to meet her gaze again. “But you let me lead this, Sasha. If we’re going to meet them face to face… we’re prepared to take them down if we have to.”
Sasha nodded, then threw herself into his chest, hugging him and stroking his back.
It took him a second, but he soon wrapped his arms around her and even stroked her hair.
They both stood there for a long minute, just breathing and holding each other. She felt the hitch of his breath and wondered if he felt like crying too.
But when she squeezed him tighter he sighed. “If I’m going to do this, I have to go find Lhars and Skhal. They need to get all the fighters together and… it’s going to be a long day, Sash.”
“I know. I know. I just… I miss you, Zev. I miss us.”
He took a deep breath that expanded his chest. “Me too, babe. Me too.”
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