After she had woken up, Axel and Alice barely had a moment alone together as the doctors were amazed by how quickly Alice was recovering. They ran test after test to ensure that her healing was working and that there were no surprises.
Only one day after Bell's blood had been introduced into her system and she was already almost entirely healed.
But it was clear to Axel that while she was not complaining or refusing any treatment or test, she was deeply uncomfortable in the hospital.
Ashleigh had told him about the first lab they had stopped in on their adventure, about the room that had belonged to Alice.
Doctors and scientists, he couldn't imagine she had a good impression of either profession.
Axel asked that she be released from the hospital as soon as he got the chance. They would stay for a few days in Summer and do any follow-up testing required, but he wanted her to have some peace.
The doctor quickly agreed that it would be alright for her to move out of the hospital and into the guest room that Ashleigh had arranged for Axel.
Once they arrived in their room, Axel did not hesitate to pull her into his arms and hold her as though she would disappear.
Alice laughed and turned around in his arms. She kissed him and smiled.
��I'm sorry,�� she said softly.
��Oh?�� he asked with a playful tone. ��For what, exactly.��
The smile on his face was playful, but she knew that he was actually very upset with her.
��I really was planning on getting a scan,�� she said, running her hands from his shoulders down to his elbows. ��But I had a suspicion about what they would find.��
Axel clenched his jaw.
Lesions on her brain. The doctor had said they would need to do another scan the following day to see if there was any improvement. But they suspected there would be no change.
��I needed to make sure those children were safe,�� she continued. ��I was afraid that if I found out something was wrong with my brain, I wouldn't have the confidence to return to that place.��
The cause of the lesions was prolonged exposure to the Bitter Night. All the years she had spent trapped in that lab, being experimented on, and erased. The injections, teas, mists, and whatever else they tried on her for the a�?best' delivery system.
The thought made him sick. He could hardly imagine how she must have felt returning of her own free will.
Axel nodded. ��I can sort of understand that.��
Alice waited, but he said nothing more. She took a deep breath.
��It's alright for you to be angry,�� Alice smiled. ��I didn't tell you where I was going, or what I was planning. I put your sister's life in danger, made you come all the way here, and then Bell had to give me her blood.��
Axel clenched his jaw.
��Go ahead,�� Alice said, looking up at him. ��Let it out.��
Axel averted his gaze and then pulled away from her. Alice watched him, turning to follow him. He sat down on a small couch, leaning forward with his elbow on his knees, and sighed.
��I'm not your keeper, Alice. You don't need my permission to go somewhere or tell me everything you plan to do that day. Would I like to know that you are entering into a dangerous situation? Yes, of course. But I am your mate, not your handler.��
Alice looked away.
��My sister?�� he laughed. ��She puts her life in danger all the time. It's practically a sport for her.��
He took a deep breath.
��Ashleigh and Bell make their own choices, whether following you into a burning building or donating their blood to you. It's their choice. You are not responsible for their choices.��
Alice swallowed, glancing back at him.
��As far as my coming here���� he sighed. ��Alice, I would go anywhere that you are. I honestly don't know how to make that any clearer to you.��
Alice could hear the exhaustion in his voice, and she wondered how much sleep he had had in the past few days. She knew that last night he had stayed awake with her most of the night. Yet, after she woke, he was still by her side.
��Then you're not angry?�� she asked, already knowing the answer.
Axel clenched his jaw and closed his eyes.
��I am angry, Alice,�� he said quietly, nodding his head as he spoke. ��I am�� really�� angry.��
Alice swallowed and licked her lips. Then, she moved forward, squeezing by his leg and sitting on the coffee table, placing her own legs between his.
Axel lowered his head, but his hands naturally fell to rest on her legs, his thumbs gently rubbing against her knee.
��Tell me,�� she whispered. ��I can take it.��
��You forgot yourself,�� he said.
��What?�� she asked.
Axel lifted his face to look at her. Alice felt a tight grip in her chest as their eyes met, and she saw not anger but pain.
He licked his lips.
��You apologized for endangering my sister and Bell to an extent and for a�?inconveniencing' me,�� he said. ��But you didn't mention yourself. You didn't say anything about endangering yourself.��
Alice lowered her gaze.
��You apologized for not telling me where or what you were doing but not for planning to go on a suicide mission.��
His voice was quiet and low. It was miserable but laced with soft anger.
��Axel, Ia�����
��You were dying, Alice���� he whispered. ��I felt you�� dying.��
Alice took a shaky breath and felt the grief that flowed through their bond.
��You were supposed to be getting a scan, and then suddenly there was pain and weakness, and I felt you�� slipping away,�� his voice cracked, and he lowered his head. ��I thought��.��
Axel let out a heavy sob and then sniffed. Then, he took a deep breath, bringing his hands up to wipe his eyes before clearing his throat and lifting his head to look at her.
��I thought I would lose you without even having a chance to say goodbye. Just like my father,�� he said firmly. He pushed out the words and then clenched his jaw tight to hold back the emotions that crowded his heart.
Alice felt the tears that rolled onto her cheeks. She swallowed and sniffed.
For so long, she had known that her life would be given for the mission at any time. That her value was in accomplishing whatever task was assigned to her and not in her return home.
Holden may have wanted her to return. He may have even been grateful when she came back through the door each time. But not at the cost of the mission.
She had never thought about the value of life applying to herself.
Watching the tears fall from his eyes, hearing the pain in his voice. It broke her heart. She loved him, and she knew that he loved her. But still, she hadn't expected this reaction.
Alice knew Axel would be upset with her. She knew he would be angry at her for doing things independently without explaining or asking for his help.
She just never realized it would be because he was scared of losing her.
But if she thought about it differently. If she considered how she would feel if Axel was the one in danger. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest, and there was a lead weight in her stomach.
No. That was something that could never happen.
Alice pushed away the fear of her imagined scenario. Instead, she reached out and held his face in her hands.
��I am so sorry, Axel,�� she whispered. ��I wasn't thinking��.��
She took in a shaky breath.
��I know,�� he replied, lowering his eyes.
Alice lifted his chin, making him look up at her again.
��That doesn't make it okay,�� she smiled sadly.
Axel's jaw shook, and his eyes were glossy from the tears he held back.
Alice let go of his face and stood up. He moved back against the couch to allow the room she needed to stand. She then straddled him. His hands naturally moved to her hips as he looked at her mournfully.
��I am truly sorry, Axel,�� she said. ��I have spent too much of my life not understanding what it means to care about someone or have someone care about me. I wasn't trying to be cruel. I just honestly didn't think about my death meaning anything to anyone.��
Axel closed his eyes. His hands at her hips wrapped around her waist and pulled her close. He laid his head on her chest.
��You mean something to me!�� he cried angrily into her shirt. ��You are not a doll, or some tool, or someone that can just be thrown away! You are Alice. My mate! My love!��
��I know,�� she whispered, petting his hair softly as her tears fell.
��Don't forget about me, Alice�� please���� he whispered through soft cries.
��I know. And I won't forget, never again.��
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